I am depressed. I feel so... I don't even know. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good wife and mom, but I feel like I have failed. and I want to be who ppl think I am, but I can't. I guess I am just at one of those points right now. I am so mad at some of the stupid decisions I have made. I am mad that it took me 23 yrs to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, and I am mad that I can't do it. I hate that I am at this place again. I feel so helpless. and I hate that it is all my fault that I am here. I look back and I see that my whole life has pointed me to what I was made to do, but I was just to stupid to realize it. now I feel like it is to late. and now I feel like I have to settle for less than that because of the choices I have made.




escaping reality sounds real nice about right now.....

Is it worth it?

Over the pst 48 hours I've found myself asking is the $$ really worth it. I keep telling myself it is only a year, but every day I believe it less and less. Not that I think I will have to do it longer than a year, but it is so much more than JUST a year. It is on e ENTIRE year out of the short time they are little. It is the last year that my oldest will be home all the time. It is an entire year, wasted, lost. I will NEVER be able to get it back. It is 2080 hours that won;t be spent getting big bear hugs and sloppy little drool face kisses. All for what? some stupid money? Why the HELL is it so important! money doesn't even last. Time, that is what is important. and I feel like I am losing the precious little time I have....

today was crappy. I couldn't do anything right at all. I feel like crap. Hubby told me tonight that he really doesn't like his job as much as he has pretended. he doesn't want to stay there, but I think he will stay for a while longer. I think he wants to see what happens once he gets past the 90 day mark. from the sounds of it they want to promote him. he is good at what he is doing, he just doesn't like it. I don't know. I am too tired to think straight.

nothing

I've got nothing insightful to say. I very rarely have anything insightful to say anymore. The other night ruby and I were sitting around connecting some rather bizzare dots that have appeared over the last year. it is amazing what you can come up with when you aren't given all the information on a situation and are forced to come up with your own conclusion. we didn't have church last night, but ruby stopped by. It didn't seem like much of anyone cared that we didn't have church. it all seems so weird now. sorry for those of you that are left clueless by this post, it is really just a random attempt to find something worth talking about. it is almost July. not that that means much of anything special, cept bob and andrew will be in MS. and my birthday is close. well enough of the random posting, at least you all know I am still alive. thats something, right?

I need to sleep. but I feel very distracted right now. I don't really know why. I just can't focus on anything, not even sleep. how pathetic is that. I took some tynenol pm a little while ago (yes still in pain, but getting used to it now) so hopefully I will just pass out soon. this is going to be a long week. He is going to have to take the girls to mom's house in the morning and I will pick them up in the afternoon. I hope he desn't get too stressed out by the added hassle to his routine. well, off to be now, really!

maybe I should blog today. I don't have much to say. I feel like I am going to pass out. and I have to be awake at 5:30 in the morning. and on top of it all I have a little person sitting on the other side of the room screaming for no reason at all... blah

I'm tired... I think I should take a nap. but I am waiting for roo to get back so I can go with her to do some stuff. oh I was told to let everyone know that she (ROO) ate at a buffet last night. she isn't dead. and it was her idea to eat there. I just want to sleep right now. very tired... balh

today

I did something increadibly out of charater for me today, but I am glad I did it. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much you dislike someone you can put that behind you if it is really important, and it was. I also think Christians are increadibly to quick to judge ppl on their past mistakes. Part of being a Christian is forgiving ppl. I am sorry to those that I have judged because of things in their past. I think I will look at things differently now though.

Back here again...

I keep coming back to community. This can't be community. ppl don't even talk to each other. I don't think most of them even like each other. how on earth are we supposed to do this? we don't trust each other, we are prejudice of each other... we end up just sitting around looking at each other most of the time. and then there are the ppl that are really trying. but they just get seen as trying to be better than everyone else, not trying to be what this was ment to be. It all seems so forced. I just want what I have seen elsewhere, but I can't figure out,for the life of me, how to get that... maybe that is part of it. it isn't about doing it for me. maybe I am just being to selfish in all of this. Or maybe I am just not listening to what HE is saying... I think I know what I need to do... but knowing isn't the same as doing....

Hurt...

I hurt.... not only for me this time. it isn't just physical pain now. I hurt for nizza. I was just told, by roo , that her mom passed away around noon today. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this has to be on her. It was only a few months ago that they even found out she had cancer, now she is gone. I think they were expecting this, but how can you ever prepare yourself, emotionally, for the devistaion of it all. Please pray for nizza. I know she was VERY close to her mom, and the past few months have been HELL for her.

something fun...

want to waste a ton of time? go play this game. you will become addicted. don't say I didn't warn you....

I feel like crap. moatly I just hurt today. I have a little fever, but not much. and I am alone. well, the girls are here, but he is at work. it has been a long day already and it has no promise of coming to an end anytime soon. blah. it feels like it has been forever since I didn't feel like crap. and the fact that I went to the ER and still don't know what is wrong isn't helping. i need to do stuff, but I don't feel like it. I just want to sleep. blah.

a blood test, a urine test, a CT scan, and 3 hours later....

I still don't know what is wrong. I was in so much pain that I finally went to the ER. they did alot of stuff and made me hurt worse than I did before, but still no clue. I do know now that I don't have a UTI, a kidney infection, or kidney stones. but the ER dr said he really didn't know what it was. the blood work was all fine as was everything else he did. he can't figure out why i have a fever and feel sick all the time. and yes he did a pregnancy test, no I am not pregnant. he said the pain could be from a strained muscle, but i have had strained muscles before and this isn't one. puls that doesn't account for all the other symptoms. and I haven't done anything at all to strain a muscle. so I get to continue feeling like crap.... yay.... just shoot me the next time I think about going to the ER. it took way to long for them to tell me they don't know what is wrong..... and i am sure they will send me a nice big bill being that I don't have insurance.....

Have you ever had one of those days that just sucked from the begining? That was how today started. I am still sick, I got no sleep at all last night, and the little ppl were up at 8am. Things got better though. I was thinking about a friend, and then I talked to them. It made me smile. I love suprise phone calls from ppl far away. I miss my friends that don't live close. I still feel like crap. I was a little better yesterday, I didn't throw up at all, but that was short lived. now I hurt, and I am puking again. YAY. Blah....I should take my temp again, but the only thermometer close it the crappy one that doesn't work well; it is supposed to be a "lighening" fast and accurate, but it always says everyone's temp is 97.1. It lies and does me no good. I will go get the other one.... okay now the temp has been taken with the slightly slower, but far more accurate thermometer. it was only 99.3. I don't think it has been that low in a few days. maybe I am getting better. One can only hope....

ick

yep I am still sick. and at this exact moment I feel worse than I have the whole time I have been sick. *pause to take temp* well it is 99.5 yay. this morning I felt okay. almost not sick at all even. but by early afternoon I thought I was going to die. I even woke up early this morning (early being before noon, remember I have to get used to staying up all night) but now I feel like crap again. I am irritated, hot, and tired. oh for anyone coming to my house for church tomorrow night I am NOT cooking. sorry. I feel like crap and I don't want to spend all day cooking something that I won't even be able to eat and keep down for more then 20 mins. today I have eaten like a handful of Cheez-Its and managed not to throw up. and I drank water. yep. at least I might lose some weight while I am sick and can't eat anything. did you know that one serving of Cheez-its is about 27 crackers? that is alot. I can only eat about 10 at a time without feeling like they are gonna come up. well, I think I am going to just lay on the couch all day tomorrow til time for church. sorry again about not cooking but I just don't think I will have the energy.

This weekend didn't turn out exactly as anticipated, but it was fun all the same. I did end up going to see my dad today, but that is a long story. I think I have felt the crappiest today, by far. I just wanted to sleep all day. I feel like I am never going to have my dream life, but maybe that is why it is a dream. maybe I just dream to big. I don't know. I feel like I should stop trying. I mean it isn't like I have a bad life, it just isn't exactly how I want it, and I don't know if it can ever be. I have always dreamed big. some of those dreams will never happen now, but some of them still could happen. who knows what will happen from here, but I do know that it can't be much worse than it is right at this moment. i feel like crap. tomorrow will be better though...

I should say something

I was going to write something yesterday, but then I decided that what I had to say wasn't as important as I thought at the time. We are broke, but that is begining to feel like the normal thing. I think that once we get to the other side of this I will not use the term broke so losely. I mean we are really BROKE now. I don't know why ppl say they are broke when they have $$ to buy things they don't need, but I did it to. I am going to try not to do it anymore. now that I have seen really broke I understand.
I am also sick, but can't go to the dr. no insurance and all that crap. I told mom that if my fever happened to get up above 100 I would go to the ER. I hope that doesn't occur, but if it does I will know that it is time to go, even if we can't pay for it. I don't want this to turn into something bad, which I am afraid it might be getting there, because I have felt crappy for the better part of 2 weeks now. and this is one of those things that doesn't just get better on its own with time. Thankfully it is also not one of those things that can be given to other ppl because life still must go on, no matter how crappy I feel. today was by far the worst. I laid around all day wanting to die. but then mom brought me some medicine when she got off work and it has made me feel a bit better.
so tomorrow I think I will stop by roo's house for the party, but I will obly stay for a bit as I have to go to a family thing on sunday and must be up early in the am. I wouldn't go but mom gave me gas money and said that I need to be there. so I am going.
other than that life in general is kinda crappy. I feel like most everything I have done for the past few years has been wrong, and not alot of ppl are helping the situation. I keep thinking "if I had just..." then things wouldn't be this way now. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I feel like most of it is my fault.
ok now I am just rambleing so I think I will go to bed now, after taking some more medicine that is....

Life.... Blah....

Life has gotten to me. I don't want to do it anymore. I know that all the things going on are just temporary and that on the other side of it all things are gonna be wonderful, but right now it sucks. I think I am going to start writing. not just bloging, but really writing. I just don't know what or when I will find time to do it. I need to do something. maybe I will...

have you ever done a search using your name? I did so earlier and the results made me sad. There were tons of Lisa Alexander's that were sucsseful, important ppl. Doctors, lawyers, managers, writers, producers, ect. All ppl I will never be; ppl I once dreamed of being. I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like chasing my dreams has cost me everything, and trying to have a perfect world has made my world so imperfect. I have made decsions that have ment that I will never be the person I once dreamed of being. I don't want to regret the choices I have made, but at times like this I do. I feel like it is all my fault that things are this way. I made bad choices, I made decsions without thinking through the possible ramifications, and now this is what I have to show for it. I know what I want to do, but I also know that I will never get there. At one time it wasn't so far out of my reach, but now.... Now I have to live with the choices I have made. My life isn't all bad, but I can see that this next little while is going to be rough, rougher than almost anything I have gone through. I know that this too shall pass, but right now it seems only a distant hope.

I feel like a failure, and I hate that. more than anything I want to make everyone take notice and listen to what I have to say, but it seems that no one takes notice of someone that has spent the past four and a half years being a mom and nothing more. And no one listens to someone that doesn't have any fromal training on the subject at hand.

Experience... what is experience? I was filling out a job application once and I wondered if they would count all the hours I spent running myself into the ground, just to prove that love really did exisit to a 16 yr old girl, as experience. Or would the think that the fact that I over came unspeakable odds, to graduate at the top of my high school class, despite the fact that I had been kicked out of my father's house and was living on my own, as experience. then I realized that this wasn't the type of experience they were asking about, even though it was the type of experience that would be relevant to the job. they wanted to know where I had worked and what I had done there. I didn't get that job, or any others like it because I didn't have the experience they wanted, and I didn't have a degree. I finally gave up. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be the person they wanted me to be because I am a mom, and that experience isn't very benifical, apperently, in any line of work, because you don't recieve a degree or certification from it.

Ever feel like you are being punished for something you were given permission to do?



Just wondering...

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interviews at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interview with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interview's at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interveiw with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

the day that refuses to end...

it has been a long day. I can't sleep, but I need to.... for details on the fun filled adventures of the afternoon check this out.... the best part was throwing the stuff... anyways from there we went on the mission for mason (who by the way I don't even know, but I do know that he is serving in Iraq currenetly) it was long and very unorganized. no one knew what was going on and plans were changed frequently (this is to be expected most of the time with this circle of friends however). all is well now though and I think everything is taken care of. and I NEED to get some sleep.... maybe I will have better luck now...

thinking....

I was just thinking about the parts of my past that I really miss... nothing too moonumental came from this thought process. but I realized that I am horrible at keeping in touch with ppl. a little bit ago someone asked me if I knew where my ex-step sister was... this is something that I really should know. Not that we were ever all that close, but you would think that I would have tried to stay in touch in some way.... but I didn't... I do know where a few ppl from my past are, but there are many more that I regret losing contact with. but then I wonder if finding these ppl would make a difference. I mean some of these ppl contributed to the really bad parts of my life. If I went out of my way to go back and find them would it make my life better? I don't know. for now I think things are best left where they are. Except for the case of my step sister. it is important that I figure out where she is, not for me, but for a friend. it is important to her, so it has become important to me. I need to call dad back and see if he has had a chance to look for an adress or number or something...

uh sorry....

Okay it has come to my attention that I could have hurt several ppl without knowing it, just by posting my most previous post. Sorry. really I am. It wasn't truely about any one person, or even group of ppl. I do have some REALLY amazing friends, and I am blessed to be a part of several groups that could be considered communities. I also want to state publicly that I do LOVE my church, there are just times when I wish there were more to it. so if anyone got offended and mad or hurt, I am sorry, it isn't about YOU!!! Really it is about me, it is about stuff that I am going through, and questions that I am asking. if it were about you, I promise you would know... as for right now, I feel crappy. I am nauseous, and my head hurts... but that is for a different day I suppose. just know that I am sorry... and I love you all...

longing....

I sit her broken hearted tonight. I realize that I don't have community, and I long so desperatly for it. the church I am at currently meets once a week for a couple of hours and we don't even talk the rest of the time... we aren't acessible to each other, and we only let the others see what we want them to see. I saw something that resembled community tonight. People intentionally getting to know each other, the real ppl not just the facade. I want that!!! I long for that so greatly. I am crushed by the realization that I have no clue where to start. I feel like I have had that before, but now I am just doing church, not being church. Church shouldn't be something I just do once a week for a couple of hours. I need something else, something more. I desire community, and I thought this new situation would help, bur so far it hasn't. maybe I have not given it enough time. maybe I am not doing my part. maybe.... I don't know.. I am torn over what to so... I am sad, and hurtting...

blah....

I got some shoking news today (no I am not pregnant, why do ppl always assume that when I say I have news???) the news itself isn't important, the important part is that it leaves all of life confused again... YAY! thankfully we are just coming out of our last confused life state, so maybe we will be able to keep sight of the really important things this time... I know that whatever happens will be for the best, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I am being forced to hold my breath for long periods of time. like I am going to pass out soon. Like the whole world is going to cave in around me. I just have to keep my focus. really I know things will be okay, I just don't know how....

in other news i think we will be having a ND party tomorrow night (firday) Roo let me know if this is still on.

Being that we are not moving, lots of things still need to be done around the house. things need to be taken to Goodwill or some such place. clothes need to be gone through. all that good stuff. Summer is rapidly approaching as well, so there will be lots of time spent outside.
My grandfather is getting remarried on the 28th. that should be a fun event, being that everyone within like 30 miles knows him or her. I am sure it will be fun though. I am glad he is happy....

still amazed!

Ok so as most anyone who has stumbled across this blog in the past month knows, we were supposed to be moving to Lexington MS, a poor middle of no where town, in the poorest county in the poorest state in the US. I was not happy about this but it looked like there was no way around it so I asumed that God had a plan. Boy did God have a plan, one bigger than I could have imagined. Monday we found a house up there and I was supposed to go up Thursday to look at it. It was a good deal, and we would be moving in at the end of the month as long as it wasn't uninhabitable. Tuesday I get a call from hubby saying he is having a bad day, boss man was at the office, ect. ect. Tuesday night I go to chill with my girl at her house. she asks when hubby will be home. I say WHAT? and she says she heard he would be back in Pearl effective Wednesday morning!!!! What the crap!!! so I call hubby and all is true. another office gained status in the Jackson area, needed a AM the AM from preal wanted to leave but stay in the Jackson area. so pearl was in need of an AM. hubby wanted to not have to move to Lexington. so all worked. God had a plan, part of wich was to scare the crap out of me and make me think I was going to have to live in the middle of nowhere. I am sure there is a reason for it all. I am still amazed by how God works.

Where will we go from here??? I have no clue, but I know it won't be to Lexington. What have I learned from all this??? God is God and he is going to take care of me, even if I don't see a way, He has made one!

So for now I am here, and I am happy, and life is good. I know that hubby will come home every night, and that I will have time for me, and that my kids will not think daddy lives at work.

Looney Tunes....

So yesterday I was hanging out on the WWW and I came a cross this site... my 4 yr old happened to be looking on to see what I was doing and promptly asked me why bugs bunny looked so mean, or something like that. Now I like the Looney tunes just the way they are. why do ppl have to go changing things just because they are old? blah....


and here is the WB studio 

Dang it's hot...

It is 83 freaking degrees!!!!!!!!!! now normally this would not bother me in the slightest because I could sit on my porch in the shade of the large umbrella, and have something cold to drink while the little ppl ran around the yard.... but today is different... I decided that I would cut the grass so that while my hubby is home for a day and a half this weekend he won't have to do it... so I have been out in this blaxing heat WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!! He better realize how much I love him....

In all this I have found a GREAT way to cool down quickly,but not too fast.... BABY WIPES.... now I really already knew how cool baby wipes were from being pregnant in the summer... but if you place a baby wipe directly on your skin and leave it there til the wipe becomes warm, then remove it your skin is so much cooler.... i still need to weed eat the ditch and such but I thought I would take a short break and tell you all of these interesting things...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today my oldest little person turns 4!!! below are some pics of her, most of them from our vacation... She is growing up so fast

Stacey with Dora 

Eating ice cream at Disneyland 

my baby sleeping 

stacey on the couch 

stacey dancing some more 

Stacey about to pass out at the wiggle's concert 

Stacey at Universal studio's 

Stacey at the beach 

my baby working hard 

HI

I am home! (okay for those of you that have been keeping up I have been home since Thursday, but I have been a slacker and haven't posted a darn thing) home is just as I left it, still here and all. I have been/will be quiet busy for the next little bit however. We need to move by the first of June (giving us just over a month) so if anyone knows of anything for rent closer to Lexington, MS than we are now, PLEASE let me know. we have a couple of leads on some places, but don't know what will happen.

In other news, my grandfather is getting remairried! I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy and not alone.
And also, my oldest little person will be 4 tomorrow. that means the potential of Pre-Kindigarten in the fall (depending on where we live) and only one more year til school for sure. WOW how time flies. Hubby is staying in a hotel closer to work during the week and only coming home on the weekends... that sucks. and I need to start packing, so that when we find a place we can move. I have just been generally unmotivated though. Maybe we can have a packing party one night in a few weeks. that would be fun, right???

Just whining...

I am ready to go home. Things have been fun here, but I miss home. I miss my friends, and my routine. I miss all the boring things I hated 2 weeks ago. Only one more day here though, and it will be spent mostly packing, and I think we are going to go down to the beach too! I have some cool stuff for some cool ppl that I am bringing back, and some of the cool things I am bringing home will need explination. I will talk about that later though. I just want Thursday to get here so I can get home. I miss hubby, and my friends. I miss my house. Unfortunatly this weekend isn't going to be fun; we have family reunion crap to do, but I think we are only going to go one day (Sat probably) instead of all weekend. It would just be too much. Well, hopefully life will be back to normal next week and I will get caught up with everyone and everything, and then I will need to start looking for somewhere to live soon. (that story will also come later) goodnight

Pics... finally

okay I know there are a couple of you who are just dying for pics... I got some for ya here... there... be happy now. I have more, but these will have to do ya for a bit as I am busy right now... must go soon to have more fun

ugh

really I am going to get pics up soon... we are still having problems with the network, or at least my comp on the network....and my pics are on my comp so it might be a little longer til the pics are up, but there are some good ones:) today was long, and there are lots of pics.... hopefully they will be up soon...

here

Well I am here, and having a great time. we were having some problems with getting the computers oline together, but we think we have it worked out now.... there should be pics up tomorrow sometime.... Had a great time at Disneyland today... I am really sun burned though, and exhausted.... balh

my bags are packed....

and the final count is..... 4 checked bags and 3 carry-ons plus the umbrella stroller and a car seat that will be carried onto the plane with us..... and the 2 kids.... man tomorrow is going to be a fun day.... but the work is done now... all I have left to do is wash up the dishes and the kids, and sleep some, and I still have 11 and a half hours.... YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only 17 hours til I leave

I leave for CA in 17 hours!!!! I have started packing!!! still have alot to do though.... the little ppl are greatly hindering my packing abilities... so I am going to be keeping you all updated on the trip here in my lovely blog. there will be pics (or at links to pics) and stories of all the fun. Friday we will just be resting from the flight (we have to get up at 4am) but Saturday we will be off to disney so there will be fun pics!!! and we will be seeing the Wiggles Live on sunday, so there will be pics of Austrialian guys acting goofy! it will be so fun, and I will do my best to make you all feel like you are there with us. I am sure you will all be awaiting word on our daily adventure.... I must finish packiing NOW

This week....

so I thought I would let you all know what I have to get done this week, before leaving at 6am on friday..... so here is the list....

- clean the house (this is a never ending battle that will never br done)
-laundry (but I got caught up this weekend so just have to stay caught up)
- get snack stuff for the flight
- get batteries
- pick up glasses
- get new contacts
- finish my hair
- pack (for trip)
- start packing (for move)
- clean out the fridge


and all this while taking care of the little ppl, and normal daily stuff.... yeah it is going to be a long few days.....

well after almost a week of insanity here at bogger things seem to be back to normal. was anyone else haveing problems with blogger? like it posting things that you just saved as a draft, or it not posting things that you published? Well, 5 days til we leave for CA. things will be busy, and on top of that I will be trying to pack some for the move. it seems like there is so much to do... but I am sure it will all get done, I just don't know how at this point. the little ppl are getting excited about seeing Grnma, granpa, and uncle A. and riding on an air plane. I am looking forward to CA, but not the trip out there. it will be a long day in airports and on planes, but I can do, really I can. I just hope the girls don't freak out on the plane, or while we are in the Dallas airport for 3 freakin hours....

next week...

Next week is going to be busy with preparation for CA!!! one week from today I will be leaving for CA and I will be there for 13 days. it will be a time to relax, have fun, and see some really cool ppl!!! but I still have so much to do before then. I need to do laundry so bad it isn't even funny and all that other stuff that goes along with vacationing. And on top of all this I feel that the impending move is drawing near. He was told yesterday that new offices would be opening in April. 4 of them, all in LA. one will be his, no doubt. so not only do I need to get all things ready to go to CA I also need to try to start getting things in order here to be ready to move not long after getting back home. at least I will be able to see better.... I am expecting to arrive home on April 21 to an empty house, my husband being gone to his new office somewhere in LA. 3 of the offices will be in South LA and one will be near Shreveport.... Who knows which one he will get. I am sad, excited, and overwhelmed....

Thoughts on Million Dollar Baby...

yes this is really going to be about Million Dollar Baby, not just the blurb that was in the last post.... this movie was very emotional, because it was so real, and i felt like I was there I was her....
some observations....
-He wasn't just her trainer, he was her savior, even to the point of freeing her into death.....

-She was me, she was you, she was us.... the normal everyday ppl with a dream. she fought hard, she gave her all, and in the end she got unfairly blindsided, and her dream was over just as quickly as it started... If we listen, and give our all, we too will live the lives we were intended to live, but it could always end with one harsh blow to the head when we aren't looking, we aren't promised anything more

-the priest was busy, to preoccupied with being holy and religious to see ppl. He believed what he wanted to believe. more times than not the church is to busy being holy to notice the ppl begging for answers right outside our doors.....

-her boxing name given to her by the trainer was beautiful, she truly was his darling. they became family to each other. she was his joy, his life, his accomplishment. We are the Darlings of Christ when we become all he knows we can be.

- his daughter was a mystery. she refused contact with him. maybe I missed it, but I don't remember hearing why this was. He tried to reach out to her, writing every day, but never with any response. Is this how God feels when he is trying to get our attention, but we are just too busy to hear or care what He is doing?

Million Dollar Baby

o went to see Million Dollar Baby yesterday and it was GREAT. I did cry but I bet you did too if you have seen the movie. I am still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. It was very painful to watch parts of it; I felt so helpless....

Today was Easter, and I decided to be all sacrilegious and not go to church. Really I overslept and so I didn't go, but that is okay as I wasn't going to my church, and I ended up have a great family day here at the house. We did read the crucifixion and resurrection story from the Bible, and it wasn't like we treated it just like any other day, we just didn't go to church.... I think this is the first year in my whole life I haven't gone to church and just been busy doing all things religious on Easter. It was really nice, and I had time to think about Easter, and not just "play" Easter....I think that so much of the time we get caught up in doing the "church" thing or at least trying to be religious, that we forget WHY we do things. This year was a nice break from religion....

this post has been deleted, it will soon be replaced by a much happier post on the movie I finally saw... Million Dollar Baby

GOOD FRIDAY

today has been great! I went to the Good Friday service at Journey tonight and it was amazing! Very powerful, and it was great to get to experience a different type of worship than what I have grown acustome to.. We are going to go to the Easter Celebration at Smith park on Sunday... it should be great as well. other than that I have spent today being somewhat productive. Finally got some summer clothes (it was 82 here today) and I also tried to blow up my house.... ok well I didn't really try to but it almost happened.... after shopping I came home and the whole place smelled of gas.... i opened some windows and then went in search of the porblem.... it was the stinkin pilot light on the stove. it had went out so there was gas leaking into my house.... I lit it and all was well, but ever since I have had the worst headache ever..... ugh... I think I will go to bed soon and hope the head ache goes away... oh and hubby has decided that I get the day off tomorrow !!!! :) I might catch a movie.... and suggestions? other than that I will probably just take the lap top out somewhere and write.... I like to do that....

Look it is me!!!

look it is a GOOD pic of me! thanks to my big sis!


so finally I have a pic that I acctually like! I think it is a miricale.... not that other pics of me are bad, just not as good as I wish they were... The funny thing about this pic is that my sister took it on Sunday and it was supposed to turn out crappy. we planned it that way but instead it was good, maybe I should plan for more picks to turn out bad. hmmmmmm just a thought

the long awaited shoes 

here is a closeup of the laces 

I should...

I should blog something so you ppl (what all 4 of you now) aren't bored when you come here...
I should sleep at some point....
I should do something productive....
I should keep in touch with ppl better...
I should be more encouraging....
I should eat more regularly....
I should be more honest....
I should work on the book....
I should read more....
I should be less apathetic...
I should get my sewing machine back....
I should RAK some ppl....
I should go shopping...
I should remember to make an eye appointment...
I should be more diligent...
I should be nicer...
I should stop this list and do soemthing....

Reson # 568

so here is reason #568 why i hate being a stay-at -home mom (I don't really hate it but today hasn't been a good day, take what I say with only a grain of salt) When I need to talk there is no one around.... UGH I hate it.... I really want someone to be around (someone I trust not just some random person that wants to fight about things) but everyone is working, or sleeping, or having a life apart from me.... most days this really is okay, I know the world doesn't revolve around me.... but today I need to talk (even though I don't know about what) and there is no one..... UGH!!!!

seems to be the thing to do

so talking about the Scott Peterson verdict seems to be the thing to do, so I shall jump on the wagon... in case you have been leading a more of a sheltered life than me, he was sentenced to death today... my emotional side says kill the a**hole.... I mean he killed his wife and their child.... if he doesn't deserve death who does.... and then there is another part of me says that no one deserves death for anything, and he should be given a chance to repent and we should show him the grace and love that God showed us.... I am still so torn over the whole deth penalty issue...

as promised something insightful....

this is something that came out of a conversation I had the other night.... (I hope you don't mind me quoting you and yes I saved the conversation so I could re-read it and ponder)

Luckily, God said to stop trying to measure up and instead start trying to relate, to God and to each other.

I think that is what is all boils down to.... Relating.... We already know we are NEVER going to be perfect, so we shouldn't spend so much time worrying about not being perfect.... we need to instead spend time trying to understand and encourage each other, and then we might find that we learn to understand God better in the process...

Part of what went on in the New Testament church was confession... but they didn't confess their sins so that they could be looked down upon or shunned by those that were better than them.... they confessed their sins to each other so they could hole each other accountable and encourage each other.... so they could relate to each other....

Sadly we have, for the most part, lost that art. The art of confession and the art of relating have become things that are seldom practiced in the church today.... we are too worried about beating ppl up with the Bible, and how we interpret what God has to say, to even begin to think that we can relate to each others problems.... and we are too afraid to confess out sins because we don't want to be rejected by those we consider closest to us.... we don't want to be thought of as bad ppl.... so we stay stuck in our runt of not confessing and not relating.... something needs to change.... something HAS to change.... ppl think Christians are hypocrites because for the most part we ARE! we talk so lavishly about having a loving relationship with God, but we REFUSE to have loving relationships with each other......

phone numbers....

if you don't live in MS you probably won't care at all about this post (just thought I would warn all 2 of you) as of today to call anyone in the our local area (the 601 area code) you will have to dial 10 digits instead of just 7.... I promise I am not so lazy that dialing three extra digits is going to keep me from making phone call (not that I make many in the first place) but I do have a question... Are there really so many ppl in the 601 area code that they are running out of #'s so they have to add a new area code? (this is the reason stated for changing to 10 digit dialing, they are having to add another area code because they have run out of, or anticipate running out of soon, 601 #'s) I know that most states have tons of area codes and MS, until this point, has only had 2, but are there that many ppl here? I don't mind having to dial 3 more numbers (even though it was somewhat of a hassle this morning when I lost my dial up connection, yes I still have dial up, and it was after midnight so I had to go in and change the way the #'s are dialed so I could get back online and finish what I was doing) I am just wondering how necessary it all really is.... sorry for boring you all with this....

song lyric

I don't typically post song lyrics, but I feel like it tonight..... don't read too much into it, I didn't write the song, I just like it.....


Peice of Glass

Can't believe I did it again
wake me up from this nightmare
Cuz this monsters filling me up
filling me out
and everyday I live a bit less
one night leads to another.
Even if I went back they wouldn't recognize me
Criticize me.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I can't tell if your telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
after all you're just a peice of glass

Still this nightmare's all mine
When I call Him He answers
I can tell him when to com
when to stay
but sometimes I'm weaker than he is.
Is he just letting me win?
He can tell me when to com
when to stay.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
telling me that I' m just a trace of the person I once was
cuz I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
After all your just a peice of glass.

Don't talk
Listen.
Hold me
tighter.
Stay with me just for a while
until the sun shines stay with me
just give me one more day.
Who are you that lies
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person you once knew
Cause we're not the same
you're just a piture of me
You're gone as soon as I leave
You've lived my life for me
and you're no more than just a peice of glass....



-Ceadmon's Call

Different lifetime

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.... to go back and read things I wrote 10 yrs ago... I don't remember 10 yrs ago, and I don't really care to... it was a whole different life, or at least that is how it seems when I go back and read the things that a scribbled on sheets of paper, napkins, and torn paper bags.... I guess that is what happens when you grow up, all the thngs from your past seem like a different life... it is tough reading about things that happened then.... It makes me cry to know who I was... and then there is the ocassional thing that makes me long to be in that life again... it was a different reality that I lived in.... and in some odd way I loved it there... But I can't go back... We can never really go back to the past... we can't redo our mistakes, or relive any of the greaat times.... they are all ust memories, even if only on paper, and not in our minds.... it is going to take a while to sift through the past 10 yrs of my life.... but when I finish I will let you know how it turned out....

thinking

I had this conversation with someone today about writing... it made me want to write again.. don't worry I didn't write anything new (cept for this post of course) but it got me thinking... maybe I really should write something.... I feel like I have alot to say.... so now I will spend the next week or two going through all the things I have written trying to decide what is crap and what is almost good... then I may post some of it over in my poetry blog....then I might write something new... wouldn't that be a treat... but for now all I have done is dig out the stack of all the stuff I have written that isn't in the comp yet and it is sitting on my desk and on the floor around my desk, and some of it has spilled over into the kitchen.... yes there is quite a bit of it... my writing was called edgy/real/transparent today.... why would anyone want to read my edgy/real/transparant crap when they are living there own? I have no doubt that I will never stop writing, but will I ever really write? okay it is 1:30 in the morning and I am making very little sense now, or maybe you understand completly.... if you do, thank you.... if you don't, I am sorry to have bothered you...

oh and thanks for getting me stared again, you mystirous friend.... I am always much happier when I write.... so thank you.... :)

new poetry

just thought I would let you guys know that there is a new poem here
yeah that is all for now....

why?

okay why do you ppl have to be rude in comments on my blog? I don't know if the anonymous poster meant to be rude or not, but the only reason I allow anonymous comments is b/c I do have friends that don't have blogs.... PLEASE don't go off assuming you know me in my comments when you don't, and if you do know me tell me who you are..... do you really need to know was your question, and maybe my friends do need to know....you however DON'T get the privilege of knowing because you didn't tell me who you are..... if rude anonymous comments continue I will be forced to not allow anonymous comments....

last nights drama

okay so I has already typed out my last post early yesterday afternoon (for those that I talked to that would have been right after I was crying so hard I thought I would throw up) anyways, so I posted it lastnight and completely for got about the events of the night that needed to be told... well the girls were playing as they usually do and C squatted down for a second and when she stood up she hit S in the chin causeing S to bite her tounge.... poor baby.... welll as it is gushing blood we are trying to figure out what to do so I call mom.... she says to bring her over and I do... after looking at it for all of 2 mins she says that I can take her to the hospital and they will make it stop bleeding or I can just go home and wait for it to stop on its own, but that they probably wouldn't stitch it.... so we go home, she gets some children's pain realiever stuff and is off to bed... that was our fun night.... and Roo was here so she got to experience the whole thing with us.... oh the fun... this morning it has stopped bleeding but still looks gross, we will have to keep an eye on it so it doesn't get infected, but she is going to be ok...

todays thoughts...

Let me start my saying that most days I love being a mom and I love being able to stay home with my adorable little girls, but there are the occasional days that I dream about doing other things…. Getting out and being someone else… that is what this is about….

Being a mom is tough work…. I should know because that has been my primary occupation for the past 4 plus years….you don’t get sick days, or vacations… you have to be there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year… when you do happen to go away you can’t help but feel guilty about leaving, and in the back of your mind you know when you get home you will have to work twice as hard to get life back to the way it was before you left… Unless you die you work… now I know there are a lot of ppl that think being a mom isn’t work at all, you just play all day long and then you go to sleep only to wake up the next morning to do it all again… YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WRONG YOU ARE!!! Mom’s are not only the caregivers for the children at home the are also the disciplinarians during the day, the cook, the maid, the story teller, the chauffer, the all purpose what ever you need lady…. And when you aren’t doing one of those things you are thinking about doing those things…. No matter how sick or tired or stressed out you may be by the rest of life you have to go on because if you don’t, if won’t get done… if it doesn’t get done, then someone calls child protective services on you and your precious little ones are given to someone more competent than you…. This is way more stressful than being the CEO of a company, you can always get a new job, but you can’t always get back your little ones…. And one of the worst things is there is very rarely a thank you or anything…. At least in your everyday stressful job you get a compensation at the end of the week, not to mention a day off. But here as a mom you get nothing… you get none of the respect of someone that has gone to school, gotten a degree, and nice day job. You get none of the perks that go with leaving your work at work and your home at home. But occasionally you get a slobbery kiss or a hug from little arm… it almost makes up for all the rest…

just cuz I feel like reliving the horror...

Dec 2003...

Friday night we met up at the church to leave.... there where 8 kids and 3 adults mydelf being the only female..... I rode with L because I didn't know him and everyone else did... the first thing he says to me as we start the hour drive to the retreat place is "Do you know what you are getting into?" now at this point I thought I knew at least a couple of the kids pretty well, but what was to come I could have never expected.... L and I chatted for the next hour about the kids, life, and pretty much all the things that should be chatted about when you meet someone and 5 mins later get in the car with them.... we arrive at CH.... all the kids are still in one peice and we retrive out lugage from the van got settled and M and I left to get pizza.... upon arriving back the fun began... it was really all girls wanting to be the center of attnetion, but it sucked because they made the rest of the weekend HARD.... there was ODing on meds for depression and anxiety, there was running off into the woods, and there was just in general insanity all weekend long.... I didn't sleep at all and I had to take finals monday morning.... Sunday morning Finally came and we loaded up in the van and went home.... so sunday night I finally got to go home and sleep a bit... Monday morning came... I took my first final and then went to sit in the courtyard.... I wanted to have it out with God... Why did He make me go on this aweful trip? why didn't He do great things while we were there? so I sat there going over the weekend in my head trying to find something, anything that was remotly positive about the weekend.... and nothing came to mind. So right then and there I vowed to NEVER do anything with these kids again... by the end of the day I somehow understood what God did this weekend and that I would never not work with these kids.... I got home and had 3 calls from teens that were on that trip... the rest is history, but that is the trip where I found my passion, however hard it may be, this is what God made me to do....

happy memories...

hmmmmm.. where do I even start.... I remember walking in for the first time and feeling like I was at home.... Dec. 2003: central hills(it is a good memoriy in retrospect), need I say more... April 2004: central hills (that was fun).... mexico.... small groups... all the nights at the park... being mad... the artery... cups... man so many memories... it has been a crazy adventure, and it will continue... and who knows where we will be 2 yrs from now, cept for God....

today is the day..

well, today is the day.... the end of something, and the begining of another.... it is very bittersweet. for those of you that haven't been keeping up tonight will be our last meeting at RTPC before going to house churches.... I love the idea of house churches, but I will greatly miss RTPC as it is now... over the past week I have spent alot of time thinking about the past 2 yrs and how I have changed so much largly because of RTPC... It IS family! I think this is the first time I have really understood the real meaning of community. maybe it is because I am older now, or because this is the church I choose to go to, not one that I am told I have to go to... Or maybe it is because we have all made an effort to grso what community really is... now don't get me wrong, there are things that happened that I wish I could change, but I think they all happened to create this moment in time.... RTPC has been around for almost 3 yrs and I think that every second of that time, since the very first thought of RTPC, has worked together to create what is about to happen. It is going to be big! it may seem small, but it is going to be big in the ppls lives that continue to perserve through the trials with the rest of the house churches, here and across America.... things are changing, there will be tears and laughter, but at the end of the night I know that God is going to smile on us because we are doing what He has called us to do!

I really hate

I really hate how RUDE ppl can be.... sometimes it is because of thier ownd ignorance and I understand that but I really wish that ppl who don't know what they are talking about would just keep their mouths shut!!! I mean come on ppl... you don't always know all the circumstances suronding a stiuation so why on earth do you feel the need to judge the ppl involved and bad mouth them.... there are almost always exceptions to the rules...

And then there are ppl that are rude just for the sake of being rude.... what's up with that? you really shouldn't go around stomping on ppl just because you can...

yes i a refering to specific incidents here.... don't worry it probably wasn't something YOU did and if it is when I see you again you will know for sure.... there just seems to have been an outpouring of rude lately (and it wasn't even the I love you and I am just picking on you kinda rude that we all like from time to time), and really it wasn't even directed in my general direction, but it was still rude none the less.... I know I have let one of the offending parties know how I feel, and I am considering ways to let the other know how I feel.... It is just really annoying ...


Ignorance is NOT bliss!!!!!!!

for roo and some other stuff

first of all ROO--- I tried to leave another comment on your blog but it was being anal and wouldn't let me, so what time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow????

in other news, I feel like crap.... not really sick crap, but I have had a fever all week and I am tired... so it is kinds wearing me down....and tim asked if I got a phone call today... I did get a phone call or 2 today but nothing out of the ordinary that would make me wonder why in the world is this person calling me... he wouldn't tell me who it was that was supposed to call so now I have to wait til he gets home to find out.... hmmmmm..... and I finally got tim's tire patched so he will not have to put air in it every morning now... :) other than that I took a nap and did nothing.... just trying to rest for this weekends festivities...

times like this

it is times like this when I really hate life.... I wonder why I was allowed to live this long.... I know that everything happens for a reason but this sucks.... I just want to go away, somewhere that there are no ppl... just me.... thinking out loud.... this makes no sense to you, but that is okay.... I haven't done anything yet (so you can put your minds at ease for now) but I know this day is just going to get worse, so who knows what will happen.

I had an awful dream last night... basically he left and took the girls with him... then I killed myself... would this ever happen in real life.... who knows.... it makes me sad though....

more on house churches.....

okay so if we remember corectly it was back in like Nov or Dec that I started thinking, talking about house churches and now look where things are.... I know that I had nothing directly to do with this but it makes me smile and giggle a bit.... I think it is a great direction for us to go in... there is going to be a bit of confusion at the beginning I am sure, because that is how it always is when things change, but in the long run it is going to be GREAT. I think this is where RTPC is supposed to be.... anyways Sunday we will be eating (so what is everyone bringing) and we will be sharing memeories from the past years.... man the memories are abundent.... maybe I will share some here also.... some are good, some are less than good but they are all a part of who I am now.... they have shaped me and made me, ME!!!! I am sure there will be some around here soon

House Churches

okay so for those of you who don't know RTPC is going to go to House Churches.... this is such a God thing!!! I think He has been preparing us for this all along... but I may not be here to see it which makes me sad, but that is life... I have linked the new RTPC blog to up so you can check it out if you wish... there are so many things to say but I shall refrain for now as it is late and I have ALMOST died like 3 times today (lol) bt I am still alive.... I will let you all know that NEXT sunday is the last SERVICE at RTCP then house churches will start... so what do you guys think about house churches? I will post more later

Here they go again

Okay so while hanging out online today I came across something that was troubleing to me... basically it is the purpose driven life for infants and toddlers... First off let me say I have no problem with Rick Warren or Saddleback church... I do believe God is using Saddleback in huge wasys out in CA and hope to get to visit saddleback when I am in CA later this year... but all this purpose driven CRAP is going to far... the basic idea behing the whole thing is a good one, but now many ppl, non-Christan and Christian alike, see it all as a marketing ploy... really, would it have been so bad if they had stopped after the first book? okay I admit that I haven't read all of every book, I read most of one and glanced at the others, but I think that once you have the basic idea of what they are saying you can apply it to all aspects of your life and minisrty without having to buy and read all 19 billion books to make sure you are doing it right... maybe someone who has read all the books could tell me if I am wrong... this just seems like a never ending thing... I mean where will it stop? do we really need purpose driven house cleaning and purpose driven reading of purpose driven books? maybe somethings have a purpose that is easiy enough to figure out and we really don't need a book to tell us... and maybe there are some things in life that have no purpose at all... Purpose Driven Dust Bunnies anyone?

WHY

why do I feel like everyone is better than me... they are all prettier, stronger, and happier (yes can you believe that there are ppl happier than me?) I feel very apathetic today... really don't care about much of anything... I just want to disapear, not die, just stop exsisting... the more I think about things the less I care... maybe it is because I don't know if there is a need to care, being that I don't know how much longer I am going to be here... maybe it is my minds way of preparing me to leave all that I have cared about for so long... maybe my mind has just simple gone on strike until we move and get settle and then it will start allowing me to care again and get attached to new ppl... who knows....

I may go to the zoo tomorrow with Debra, squishy, and debra's family that is in from Nashville... I really don't know if I want to go but I do want to spend time with debra before she leaves... just the thought of meeting new ppl is yucky... not that I think her family is ctazy or anything, just that I don't feel like meeting anyone new right now...

It doesn't seem like anything is going on this weekend.. roo will be sewing for the war, and well, who else do I hang out with... maybe I will catch up with B&C or maybe I will just spend some time alone... I need it after this week... BLAH....

I have watched ND 5 times since sunday... it is a great movie and it never gets old.... "You're just jealous because I have been chatting online with hot babes all day" yeah....

well, mom is off tomorrow, so maybe we will do something with her... who knows... I really want to take the girls to see the Heffelump movie... but I doubt that will happen... maybe I should do something productive.... I did dishes today, that was mildly productive....

WAITING

so I HATE waiting on things, especially whe n I know I have no control over the situation at all. I would rather you just not tell me anything until it happens...Unfortunately I did not get this option... Two weeks ago I was told that we would be moving, but told that we didn't know when or where!!!!! We were given the best guess estimate that it might be in about 2 weeks and it could be to NW Louisiana... And since then NOTHING!!!! so I am just sitting here waiting rather angry at this point that ppl feel that just because you work for them they can mess with your life like this... I mean I understand that they may really not know until 2 days before he is asked to be there, but WHY did they say anything to begin with... I feel like I should be packing, but what if they decided to keep him in this area (which I would love but that is not the point right now)... I have become semi okay with the idea of moving, I just want to go ahead and get it over with already, I don't want to sit around waiting anymore... I want to get on with my life... There are so many things that I can't plan for right now because I have no freakin clue where I am going to be a month from now! UGH! As you can tell this is really getting the best of me... I feel somewhat debilitated by the whole situation... I hate not knowing....

ND quiz

You are Tater Tots. Go get your own!!


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

exhausted....

well, I don't know about having girly group tomorrow... I am just exhausted and I have alot that I really need to do... so if we do have it I will probably not be there... we still don't know when we are moving but that is okay right now because there is so much that I need to get done... I feel like I haven't slept in weeks, or maybe longer, even though I know I have... I think I am going to bed early tonight... I can barely keep my eyes opened now... good night

adventures in hair dying....

here is my new hair...

okay... so we were up til after 4am, and it was alot of work but here is the final result.... I like it... oh and there are some other pics here. it was a great night... I love you guys

busy and fun...

well all we are partying here tonight... anyone can come if you can get here, if you need directions email me, I will probably check it at least one more time before fun begins.... any ways, we watched the Grudge last night... I don't want to talk about it... well, I need to go stir the chili....
oh hair pics will be up by Monday for those of you who can't come see me....

It is done....

okay, I got it cut... and I will post a pick at some point, but not now as it is getting late... maybe I will wait a while to keep you all in suspense... by the way who is coming over tomorrow night. if anyone.... I know that there are ppl coming over Saturday, but what about tomorrow night? let me know... I love you guys

what do you guys think of this? it is a little shorter than I was thinking, but what do you think 

Hair

okay guys I need some imput, I want to get my hair cut (just how short I am not sure) so I want to know what you guys think I should do with it... I could just get a trim, or I could go all out and chop it off... I WILL NOT GET BANGS!!!!!!!!!!! other than that I don't know what I want.... so go ahead, give me some ideas.... Oh and make it quick I want to get it cut tomorrow afternoonish... if I don't do it soon I will never do it, so comment away.... (and for those who have no clue what my hair currently looks like I am sure you can dig up a pic in my archives, probably in November...) so suggest away

Tuesday?

so are we doing girls group? if so, same place same time? or should we go to roo's house to eat all the left overs from Sat night? or is everyone busy this week? let me know... love you guys...

the couch

so as promised here is our new couch...



the new couch


the couch again



stacey one the couch , and isn't her hair just cute... it doesn't look like a mullet today


catlin on the couch, she is eqully as cute

the weekend and other things

so the party was GREAT this weekend, many props to niza and roo!!! the rest of the weekend was someone insane... we got the couch (I really will pst pics soon I just haven't gotten around to taking them yet and currently the couch is under a pile of stuff) it is great.... we also got all the random stuff from forest that his parents gave us, and it was an ordeal getting it all here.... but now it is here and life is good...

SO this coming weekend (18-20) there will be a party at my house house all weekend!!! it is kinda an unoffical going away party... will start Friday night and end sunday... Sat we will be dying hair!!! and other than that we are just going to hang out, wtch movies, and stuff... all are invited, just email me for directions....

this weekend?

Okay gals we just have to do something fun this weekend.... I am really bummed out and need to have fun... Roo and I were talking about a anti valentines day party... watch movies, play games, and stuff. Sat night ..... who's up for it? come on lets have fun

sad things....

Well for all of those who know my hubby is awaiting his own office... he was told by the big man today that it would be soon. How soon you ask, well within the next couple of weeks more than likely. and we was told by, the not quite as big but almost, man that it was looking like NW LA (no not Los Angles, but louisiana) this is trumatic for me... I don't want to move to stinking NW LA... I don't want to move at all!!!!!!!!! and with everything else that is going on this is really the last thing I need... there are some good points but right now I am chosing to be tramatized by the whole thing... once he is moved they will put him up in a hotel for up to 60 days to give us a chance to figure out what to do and move.... so then it is looking like I will be moving in less than 3 months... I don't know that I can take this... I really don't... I am going to need lots of support and this screws everything up... I will move though and things will work out, but it is going to be hard!!!! I just want to cry, but I can't and I hate that... we haven't even been in this place for a whole year yet (we have been in pearl but not this house) I am tired of moving... I don't want to do it anymore... and now we are going to be going to somewhere that I don't know anyone... I am going to have to start all over... I can't do this again.... I need sleep... BLAH

I'm better, REALLY...

I am feeling better today, really! I don't feel as disconnected and crappy... still don't know what happened... I figure it was all just in my head... I don't know why I get like that... but now I am better so life will go back to normal until next time..

what the crap is going on....

sorry if this makes no sense to you guys just need to vent without saying too much....


I feel like shit... I don't remember alot of things that happened... what is going on with me? I woke up this morning and didn't know how I got into bed... last thing I remember was sitting here being online at like 11pm... then I woke up in bed... there were other strange things but I will leave out those details for now... I know it is all my fault... but why do I get like this... I just wish he would have stayed up so I could tell him what happened, but instead he got all mad and was in bed before I got home, which caused me to freak out and pretty much lose my mind for a while.... someone told me earlier that maybe I should think of doing some inpatient treatment somewhere... What the crap? I couldn't do that I have kids that need to be taken care of and a house that would never get clean... who cares if I am crazy anyways.... so that is what happened (kinda)

also mom did buy us a couch today but since it is raining we will not be picking it up until the weekend... that what I won't have to try to carry the thing inside by myself... or maybe I will have to do that anyway, but that is another story...

so what am I going to do? probably the same thing I always do, agonize over what to do until eventually I feel better and I don't think I need to do anything until this happens again...

babies and other things

now for the real post...

Okay so the topic of babies has been running in and invading alot of my conversations lately... how many babies is too many? am I going to have more babies? ppl are planning on having babies... and the topic of birth control has also been coming up alot lately.... so I thought that I would talk about it here amongst friends and total strangers alike....

so how many babies is too many? depends on who you are... I don't think I have reached too many yet, but I think I will know when I get there... for some ppl one is too many, but others can have like 6 or something...

am I going to have more babies? I think so... I don't know when, and I am not keeping anything fro you... it is just a thought... I will let you know when it happens though...

I have a question for those that are planning on having babies though, seeing how I have not planed the previous ones that I have acquired. is it easier planning them? also how is it emotionally and mentally when you plan to get pregnant? how do you plan emotionally for pregnancy? I was thinking that I might plan the next one but I also think it would be very emotionally taxing so let me know...

and now... BIRTH CONTROL... this conversation line was started on a message board the other day and it made me think of a conversation with a bunch of unmarried, ppl about a year ago... The question that started both dialogues was "What is God's take on birth control?" I still don't know that I have worked out all my feelings on this, and I think it is a personal decision that you and God and your spouse have to come to... I personally haven't taken birth control in a year and a half and I haven't gotten pregnant, but I think that is because God knows I am not ready for another kid... I conceived both of the kids I have while I was on birth control so I don't care for it much... plus it makes me all sick and stuff... I don't think there is anything morally wrong with most birth control... I am against abortions and the morning after pill... other than that it is a personal thing I guess... what do you guys think...

okay, so we have established that I will have another baby someday and I don't take birth control... anything else you guys want to know? now that I have rambled on and on I think I should stop now before I go into horror stories from pregnancies past...

flip-flops and rainy days

ok so this isn't the most interesting thing I have to post but it needs to be said... BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN WEARING FILP-FLOPS IF IT HAS BEEN RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean it, seriously. I would avoid filp-flops completely if it is raining... see today I was wearing y cool new filp-flops cuz my sneakers were in the van still and I was just going to mom's house and when I was leaving her house I fell on her wet porch and alost died, seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I think I will live... they might have to cut my foot off though... it hurts really bad... so yeah don't wear flip-flops in rain...

back

okay it is monday.... I got home last night in time for church.... seems like there is alot of catching up to do after being gone for one weekend, but I don't feel like it.... so I am just going to go on with life... It was a good weekend... lots of fun... well I need to clean the house now...

there will be church this sunday... A said that he didn't think that many ppl cared about football... did he read your blog Debra?

Finding church...

so here lately I have been finding church in the most unexpected places.... God never ceases to amaze me at how He makes himself know at the least expected times, in the least expected places... God is truely amazing....church is more than a building or even a group of ppl that get together once a week and pretend to like each other for an hour.. church is a family... they support each other... no matter where everyone is your church is there for you... Okay so maybe that isn't how church happens most of the time, but I have seen it happen like that here lately and I know that it is just what I needed... it is very refreshing to see ppl that can really can be a church, without a building or structured meeting time even...we just get together, hang out, start talking, and BAM church happens... we laugh together cry together, and encourage each other... I am so glad I have this... I wish everyone knew just what I was talking about... but in time... I just feel really loved right now, even though some ppl are stupid, and others a bit freaky, I know that I have family.... real church...

from the weird to the rude...

what is with ppl... first of all I got this insanely weird message from someone that I don't know.. then someone that I do know was increadably rude to me for no apperant reason. What the crap!!! oh well... I have gotten alot of nice little encouraging thoughts, in different forms, from many nice ppl.... that is what it is all about.... building each other up... it isn't about pretending to like ppl, or hanging out all the time, it is about being there when they need you... saying something helpful, not hurtful... loving each other...