Driving...

okay so the break is over, if just for the moment, because I really think I should share this with you all... first I should apologize to roo and debra... didn't mean to get all whatever tonight... it just happened... SORRY... now on to the topic at hand... as I was driving home something weird happened and I wonder if it has ever happened to any of you... be forewarned that this might end up being very graphic (as it was it my mind at the time) or not making any sense what so ever (as many things I write here lately do) so here goes...

So I was driving home and I saw the lights of an oncoming car in the distance.... I wondered what it would feel like to drift slowly into their lane and then finally collide with them head on... I wondered if I would feel the seatbelt lock and then cut through the flesh on my neck as my whole body tried not to fly forward... then I thought I would probally hit my head on the steering wheel and be knocked unconscious. I wondered if I would feel the glass from the windshield shatter over my unconscious body and slice through my clothes and then my flesh like a hot knife cutting butter.... then I wondered if it would feel good to be in so much pain.... then I wondered if I could survive such a thing...

I am not sure what made me wonder all of that... it was quite disturbing actually... maybe there is something wrong... while we were in Target I just got numb for some reason... again I am sorry you guys... I really don't know what it was... I am still numb... I don't expect you to understand... I don't even understand...

Too much of a good thing...

I think I am going to take a break from blogger for a little bit... I will still be keeping up with everyone here but just note posting anything for a while... it may only last a couple of days, or it could last longer... I don't know....I just think that too much of a good thing can be bad... so I am just going to quit for a while... just didn't want anyone to feel unloved or left out of my life while I'm gone... It is no one's fault... I just need to spend more time in the real world... When I come back I will try to explain more... yeah... and don't go abandoning all your blogs just because I am gone for a while... I will be back I promise... maybe sooner than you think... k, bye for now...

Taco Sauce...

For your reading pleasure... things that are written on the sauce from Taco Hell...

• mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Sauce
• You had me at taco
• Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future.
• Does a Grilled Stuffed Burrito qualify you for the car pool lane?
• Pick me! Pick ME!
• Open quickly.... I'm burning up in here.
• When I grow up I want to be a waterbed.

so there you have it.... deep thought from the taco sauce.... just thought I would share that with you all since roo and I went to Taco Hell and there were funny sayings on the sauce... so yeah now i am going to go and drink my sour apple martini... yeah... yummy...

..........

so blogger was being anal and unresponsive for a little bit on my end and wouldn't let me post something... so I just typed it up in Works and now I am going to copy/paste it here....


WTF!!! Why is blogger being so crappy… it just knows that I need to blog so it isn’t letting me… It can’t be normal to almost draw blood by digging your fingernails into the plam of your hand and not even feeling it… maybe that is what I need… to bleed… bleeding used to work really well… maybe it still would… but then there would be a multitude of people that were pissed of at me… and there would be the people that would say I am crazy… I thought I didn’t care about what people thought… I guess I am wrong… I hate this… I hate it all.. I’ve never wanted so badly to do something that I knew would piss so many people off and make so many people lose all respect for me…Why am I like this… why can’t I cope with every day life? Hmmm I will have to post this once blogger stops being anal…

so there it is... yeah...

the begining of a poem

Seeing you
makes me want to change
to try to be a little better
than what I've grown happy being...

Reflecting on what could have been
if ony I had tried harder...
Wanting things to be different
but crying because they are the same....

standing on the edge of reason
trying to decide
if I should just jump off...


...maybe I will finish this later

Thankksgiving...

Happy thanksgiving to all... today wasn't totally horrible as was expected... Got to hang out ith Bob for the first time in like ever... It was cool getting to talk to him... I am proud of the person he has become... so I am going to finally list the things I am thankful for... this probally won't be a complete list as I am exhausted and will forget how to type at some point...

roo- I love you and couldn't even begin to describe how thankful I am for you... we have had a very odd friendship over the years but I like where it is now... Lets agree never to let CRAP ruin our friendship, k?

mom- mostly because she moved out of my house so now we can go back to being friends again and not mother/daughter

dad- he really is a great dad even though he has made bad decisions in the past... I am also thankful that I am close enough to see him on the holidays but not close enough to see him every day

the little people- they really are fun and I know I will miss these times when they are gone... they keep me somewhat in touch with reality and have made me a little more responsible

tim- well he is my husband, you didn't expect me to leave him off the list did you??? he can be okay, but he has changed alot... we'll see what happens...

other family- they put up with me, which is more than some people... and the in-laws aren't that bad (most of the time)

BOB & Andrew- no they aren't included in the general family they are special... I was around them so much for a long time... I feel like they are my kids too... they have taught me more than they could ever know... I love you guys!!!

Stacey- she has been one of my best friends for so long... I know that she is there for me when I need her and that she will tell me the truth, which is rare... I love you!!!

friends- If I listed you all I would be up for days... you may never know just how much you mean to me... You are the people who have kept me alive, and somewhat sane... I owe you my life...

my "kids"- you what gives my life meaning... I stive to be a better peron every day because of you... I would really do ANYTHING for you...

the internet- yes I am thankful for the internet... It is my source of life at times... it is the bridge that crosses the country so that I can be in contact with all my friends...without it I would be lost

RTPC- for the first time I have found somewhere that I really feel I belong... this is my family just as much as anyone else... I don't think I could describe where I would be without RTPC...

I am sure there are other people and things that I have neglected, and I will probally get hate mail for nameing some and not others... I am sorry... these are the people and things that are right at the front of my mind daily.... I didn't mean to leave anyone out... I love you all... there isn't enough time in my day to name everything that I am thankful for, so please understand...

wygbmb...

Well, roo and I have both neglected a topic that we promised to address a week ago so I will do the honors since I remembered now... Yes I am talking about the Wealthy, Yellow, Gelatinous, Blinging, Mouse Bug!!!!!!!!!!!! okay so it isn't as cool as you thought... I guess you just had to be there... maybe I should take a pic of it so you can see it.. but you probally still wouldn't understand how great it is...

here is another pic of it

I like this pic so I am letting you all see it...:)

this is my new hair color

so I said I would get the pics up for all to see and here they are... I really like it... maybe we will take some more pics of me with it up so you can see the underneath too (it is black).... so yeah there it is....

results....

okay here are the promised results... reading them again made me feel like crap again... so now that I am crying and really think I am crazy here ya go...

The following are areas of concern detected by the screening:

--You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be the product of many different disorders, both mental and physical.
--Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder
--Your symptoms point to Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder
--You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder
--Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder

--You experience some symptoms of simple Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of General anxiety Disorder
--You experience some symptoms of Panic disorder with Agoraphobia

now that you all know that I am crazy please don't just leave me comments like "Maybe you sohould see someone." because it I want to see someone I will and if I don't I won't... nothing you say will make me want to jump on the phone and find a 24 hour shrink to solve all my problems... K thanks...

oh and here is the link to the site before I get flooded with request for it.... these are the results from the "Do You Need Therapy" test I took some other ones but I don't feel like posting the results here...

Adventures in hair dying and other randomness

Well, the hair is dyed now... it is lovely and there will be pics soon... it was alot of fun, but there were times when all I could think was "what the hell am I letting them do to me?" the things you let your friends do... soon I will be posting some test results from this thing I took last night... have to go find where they are saved at first though... today has been busy with cleaning, cooking and hair stuff... I am going shopping with mom tomorrow... that is always great fun... then we get to spend thanksgiving with his family, maybe it won't be too bad... oh and I have to post my list of what I am thankful for too... will do that by Thurs for sure... anyway I am off to find those results so you can all see just how crazy I am....

I need a nap

I am so tired... I have been cleaning all day so that my house will look half way decent when my people come over... It is starting to look like a normal house now... I just need to finishe the laundry, and vacum my bedroom... you gus should feel special cuz normally I don't clean my room, but I figured we would probally be in there since we will be dying hair and all.. well, I should go start cooking soon so we will have food... but it is only 2 so I have a little while....

reply...

this is for you roo... I thought about replying in my comments section but then decided to just make it a hole entery on its own..

I am not really angry or at least not right now... I am feeling very dicouraged and apathetic... lots of things are contributing to this but I think most of all it is just me... don't worry about me though... I do know that happiness is just a state of mind, I just haven't been very enthusiastic about getting there lately... I feel like I spend so much of my time pretending to be happy that when I blog, or write anything for that matter, I have to get out all the unhappy stuff... I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is how it is... I really wish that I could act how I feel, but I really don't want to do that because it would piss someone off or people would really think I was going crazy... sometimes I think I am going crazy... Maybe I just try too hard... I don't know... I just want things to be okay... with me... with everyone... anyways... that is all...

what can I say...

I really should say something... I don't feel like talking about it though... so I will talk about something else... the holidays are upon us... and we all know what that means, making ourselves crazy so that we can spend unwanted time with people that drive us crazy... okay not all the people I will be hanging with over the next month drive me crazy and I am looking forward to seeing a few people even... but not many... when too many people get together there is going to be DRAMA!!! I really hate drama... especially stupid high school drama... I have to deal with it all the time... I just don't think that they understand how hurtful their words can be... if they would just listen to each other then maybe they would know how much it hurts... GRRRRR... anyways... things are just going... I have to clean the house cuz everyone is coming over here tomorrow night, but first I have to go get the vacum from mom... yippie. I should think about cooking supper soon... blah...

this weekend was long, but I have recovered nicely... it was fun...

lots of stuff seems to be going on right now. very confused and disconected... there are lots of things going on in my head right now... angery at people for being stupid... feeling really alone right now... and I think I figured out what the problem is with me... I just want to feel like I am special... that is what the problem is... I just need to feel special... and he should make me feel special but he doesn't... most of the time he makes me feel like crap... anyways...

RAIN!!!

It is raining... I like the rain... it makes me smile.... it is still kinda early for anything to be happening... going shopping after he gets off work... must buy a Christmas tree and a few other things... Roo and I are going to create some sort of fun tonight... It seems like it has been a really slow past few days... haven't been doing much and now it is Sat and I just have this desire to do lots... hopefully things will work out for the best... if so we will have alot of fun:) but then we typically have alot of fun... hmmmm... yeah, anyways... the little people are being needed so I will go deal with them...

Wishing things were different...

Have you ever wished that you could go back in time and change something you did, or said? that is where I am right now on alot of different issues... I know that there is no use in entertaining these thoughts because the past is the past... I guess it is just one of the many ways I like to toture myself... i can think of dozens of times that i could have reacted differently to change the situation to my advantage... but then my whole life would be different... I may not know all the things I know... i may not have the friends I have now... I think if I could go back and change something I might... but if I had to pick only one thing that would be hard...

Well, this has been deep and it makes me want to smoke and cry so I will stop for now... I am planning on posting things that I am thankful for soon... maybe not til after Tues night though so it will be new to everyone... we will see... Goodnight...

Look it is a new day...

Well, here it is, and new day... just for you mr. President...(lol) not to much of any importance going on... trying to keep the little people from killing each other, or me... anyway... I was just thinking about how different I am now... not really sure what it is that is different but I know that I am different...

I wonder when roo is going to do my hair?

sorry random thoughts today... I really need to start Christmas shopping... Just not motivated... hopeing that I will go to sleep and wake up on New Year's, just skip the whole Christmas, family thing... so amyway what do you want for Christmas... I have no idea what to get anyone... Yeah... anyways... this isn't very entertaining.... nothing good going on... sorry....

driving me insane...

So I get home tonight before 9:30 and he is asleep!!! What the crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he didn't even stay up to make sure I got home, or to kiss the kids goodnight.... now it is almost 11:30 and I think that both of the little people are finally asleep.... why is it that whenever they go to the park they don't want to sleep? oh well, not like I had anything better to do than sit here waiting for them to finally pass out.... I could have gone to see roo, but I didn't.... I should probally eat something before bed... I don't think I have eaten anything since lunch yesterday... I am starting to get really hungery...
I feel like a slug this week... I haven't really read anything or accomplished anything for that matter... I did get the bills paid today... (yippee) so yeah.... this weekend should be fun... going to try to find something cool to do... maybe I will go christmas tree shopping... I would like to get one before thanksgiving so I can put it up Friday if there is time... we'll see.....

Am I really that insignificant....

After many different events of the still early day, I find myself asking if I really am so insignificant that people would just over look telling me somewhat important info? yes there is a reason for this, or a dozen reason, but no I am not going to go into any of them right now.... I feel very unimportant and unloved right now... (I know in reality that I am loved by a handful of people but right now I am in some other world so you will just have to indulge me on this one) It is driving me absolutly insane.... I jsut want to cry....

on a different note... I think that I almost figured something out last night.... (this may not make sense to anyone that doesn't know me real well but that is okay....) So here it is, my huge self revelation: I only feel really intense emotions, and most of the time that leaves me feeling numb because the emotion isn't intense enough for me to really feel it... anyway that was just one of those things that I finally figured out and now I don't know what to do with it so it will become a usless piece of info that will sit in my blog and rot.....

Anger

I really do hate being angery... but I really think that it is called for when someone breaks a promise... So many things are going on in my head and this doesn't help matters any... I just want to cry... am I really that unworthy of love? I really don't think that I ask for much, just do what you say you are going to do, and love me and I am good... but apparently that is too hard for some people to do... there is just too much going on and whatever.... CRAP, that is what it is it is all CRAP!!!! I hate when I get like this, mostly because there is nothing I can do to make anyone love me, or at least act like they love me.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..........

and in other news I have to go to my dad's on Sunday... now this wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that we are going to be celebrating Thanksgiving... that just brings up so many bad memories between me and my dad... I really wish that I didn't have to go... maybe I will come down with the flu or some other really bad illness between now and then.... probally not though and I will go up there and all will be well and then I will come home... that is how it always happens... I get so worked up over these things for nothing most of the time... anyway... I should go now...

life and stuff

life and stuff

and here is nizza's blog.... I can't believe so many of my friends are conforming like this... It makes me laugh and smile...

The Breast of Humanity: succumb to the winds of conformation...

The Breast of Humanity: succumb to the winds of conformation...

here is debra's blog....:)

really should say somthing...

I figure that I haven't posted in a while and I should really say something so that people that only have contact with me through my blog know I am still alive... Alot has been going on... I am trying really hard to figure stuff out that is happening, but I can't come up with anything... Last night we had a confession time... It made me say things that I never wanted to say... hearing them said made me feel sick... I don't know what to do... I hope our rules that we set up work.... I really hope they work...... but it is still really hard not to think somethings.... I can control my actions but it is much harder to control my thoughts....

this may not make alot of sense... sorry I just feel very chaotic right now...

tell me this isn't me...

So I usually don't post the results of these little quizes I take out of bordom... but this one seemed to be oddly true so I thought that I would share it with you... here it is and if you want to take the quiz it is the color quiz

Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the efforts to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels rather isolated and alone, but is too reserved to allow herself to form deep attachments. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being
Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

emmy's lovely blog

emmy's lovely blog
Look emily has a blog now too... I must be starting a fad or something among my friends... or maybe I am just introducing them to a fad that has been around for a while....

Journey of an Unfinished Work

Journey of an Unfinished Work
here is roo's blog... it makes me smile that she started a blog...

I was just thinking about you... how we hadn't talked in a while... and how you always made me smile when we did talk... I was wondering how you are... and if you are thinking of me... I hope that you are well... and I wonder if you still love me... I wonder if you ever really did... I miss you... I wish that we could be close... I wish that I could just pick up the phone and call, or get in my car and drive to see you... I wonder if I could do anything to change the way things are... I wonder why I am drawn to you like this... I know that this is deep... and I know that if people read this they will think that I am an aweful person... but if that is what they think they don't know me.... and none of them know how YOU are... It is raining now... that makes me think of you even more... one day I know that I will wake up from this dream that I call life and I will be in your arms... until then... I will be here... thinking of you and remembering how wonderful you are... I LOVE YOU... I just wanted you to know that....

Sad...

Have you ever missed someone so much that just the thought of them made you cry uncontrollably? that is where I am now... There are few people that I am so attatched to but I miss both of those people right now... I was thinking of leaving today... everyone says that I shouldn't... that I should try to work things out... Blah blah blah.... I don't know that I want things to work out... I am tired of being tired... I am tired of all the crap... I am tired of my mom helping me more than him... I just want to leave... but I can't... not yet... I hate that I have put myself in this position... but it is no one's fault but my own... I really hate it... I feel like i am going to fall asleep but I can't because no one else is home to watch the little people... I help roo take some things to Yazoo today... it was fun but just made me want to go on a road trip... we are thinking of going in Feb... after all the holiday crap is over and we get readjusted... we are planing to go to see her bro... I think I will go stand out in the rain now... sometimes that helps....

Bi Polar and other random things

I think maybe i really am bipolar... maybe all those therapist where smarter than I thought... but I thought I could handle it... I'm not so sure anymore... all this crap just hit me tonight... Roo thinks I need to see someone... she didn't say that out right, but I know that is what she thinks... I miss my friends... I know I have friends here, now... but there are people that I wish were here that aren't... I was so happy at some point tonight and now I am crying... how did I get this way??? I just don't know that i can deal with all this right now... not with all the other crap that is going on... I just want to be okay... but I don't even know what that would consist of right now... I wish things were still easy... I wish that I had been smart enough to know what I was supposed to be doing 5 years ago instead of just messing up so much... I am never going to be able to do all the things I am dreaming of now... I don't have the aility anymore... my oppurtunity has passed me by... What am I going to do now... I want to do what I love, but no one has enough faith in me to let me do it, or at least no one here... i am just a mom, without a real job, that doesn't even have a degree.... How could I possibly know what I am talking about... You have to go to college and have a real job for that... I don't understand.... I just don't get it... Why can't they just trust me... I know that I am going to screw up, but so do they... That is part of living... but I guess I just screw up more, and worse than them... I will never be good enough for them... maybe they are right....

I don't know...

I just feel like I don't know anything anymore...I feel like crap... I don't feel like I can talk about this though... Not to anyone... where are all those people that I could tell anything? I hate this... I don't even know if I would have anything to say even if I had someone to talk to... I don't know what is wrong... I just don't feel like I can deal with any of this anymore... I love my life, outside of my house, but when I am in my house I just want to die... I know this can't be normal... I need something... I need to figure this out... What the crap is going on? I HATE THIS!!!!!

Why now...

I am depressed today... don't know why I just feel like crap... I don't want to keep doing this today... maybe something really is wrong... nothing happened to make me feel like this... It just happened... I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and cry for a long time... I hate this... anyway.... maybe someone will be around later.... right now no one is around and I feel very alone.... I hate it when this happens... maybe I will try to call A just to talk...

church and other Sunday stuff...

Well, today is the first Sunday that we are not having a morning service and I am loving it!!! I got to sleep in til 10am (usually I am up and out of the house by 7:45 at the latest) and now I get to just chill for a while instead of going straight to "work" setting up.... I do have to be at the church at 2pm (4 hours before the service starts) but I can handle that... I am way excited about this change... Alot of things could work togather to make this a really GREAT thing... I guess we will just see how things go tonite. I wonder how having the service at night is going to change the dinamic of things? anyway, as for the other normal Sunday stuff, Lunch will be turned into dinner, and small groups will... well, I am not really sure what our small group is going to do right now.... we are just going to wait and see I guess.... well, I am going to go relax now....

Chips and soda....

Okay as promised a couple of days ago here are my thought on communion (the Lord's Supper, the Eucharist, ect.) so they used wine and unleaven bread, right? Why do you think that was? Was there something more holy about wine and bread? I think that the reason Jesus used wine and unleaven bread is because that is what the people of the day had... Jesus could have created any elements He wanted to perform this sacrament with but He chose to use something common... Now why do I think He chose to use something so common? I think that it has something to do with the fact that He said every time we drink the drink and eat the bead we are to remember Him... See back when Jesus was around it was nothing to have wine and bread with every meal.... So do you think that, maybe, just maybe Jesus knew what He was doing? Do you think that maybe He wanted people to remember Him more than the few times a year that the church decided to serve up wine (or grape juice) and bread (or crackers)? Do you think that maybe He wanted us to remember Him DAILY when we sat down to eat normal everyday foods, like chips and soda? Now I have gotten a lot of flack for this already so I am prepared... What would it mean if we changed the elements of communion? Is it sacrilegious? Is it okay? I know how I feel and I know that I chose to remember Jesus' sacrifice for me daily, not just when someone in my church decides it is a good idea...

today is almost over....

Sitting here in the quiet with no one to talk to has made me realize how much really has gone on this week... Lots of good conversation... Lots of sad times too though... Why is it that the people you want to talk to are never around when you want to talk to them... I don't know... The Melted Heart show was fun tonight.. I will post pics later... I think I got some good shots of all the girls... I also got pics of my kids playing hockey... they are so silly... well, i should go to bed now... maybe tomorrow I will get into the deep thoughts from this week some more...

Are you ready to die today...

Well, over the past few hours I have been thinking alot about what we as Christians need to be prepared to do.... When I first started thinking about this back in high school it was important to know if you would DIE for Jesus... I found this odd but then agian I found alot about Christians odd at that point... then at some point my thought process changed... maybe it wasn't all about die becaue you love Jesus, even though alot of people have.... maybe there was something more too it... I started with the word Christian... It means little Christ... so as Christians we should be like Christ.... Jesus didn't die for himself did He? Jesus died for people because he loved them.... SO instead of being willing to die for Jesus (who by the way doesn't need us to die for Him) shouldn't we be willing to die for people.... Shouldn't we love people so much that we would be willing to die if that would show them God? But now my thought process has turned yet again... Dying is easy, far easier than living most of the time.... there are alot of times that I would rather die than live.... maybe it isn't about losing our physical life, maybe it is about something more... Maybe to really show people God's love we don't have to die, but maybe we have to be willing to put our reputaion on the line.... Jesus did this.... He talked with a Samaritian woman at the well... What would people think? now this has been shown to me in real life recently... there have been people in my life that have put there reputaion aside to be there for me when I needed them... how will that look in my life.... I don't know just yet... but I do know that it won't look like me going around telling people that if someone was holding a gun to my head and told me to deny Jesus or die I would die.... I don't know that I would in all honesty.... I don't know that I will ever know for sure what I would do unless I was in that situation, but I do think I will stop caring so much about what people think and say about me , and start doing what God tells me, no matter what the personal cost may be...

my head is full...

trying to process all the things that have been said today is going to take a while... being in the gutter, what does it mean, and do I have to do it all the time... who do you minister to kids that you don't know and won't see agian.. would I have done anything if I were in the south tower in Dallas??? I doubt it... alot of crap happened to me in Dallas, and I was very self-absorbed... Even if it looked like I was serving everyone else, I was doing it for me... But even if I wasn't so wrapped up in me I probally wouldn't have done anything... I wouldn't have thought that I could have made a difference... I need to work on that... I can't make a difference but God can... there are alot of times that God used one person to make a difference.... I really should be more aware of the oppertunities that God gives me... I didn't know all the things that happened in Dallas, and I am not going to beat myself up for not doing anything, but I am going to try to be more observant of what is going on around me... I do want to make a difference... I don't know what all this is going to look like, but I know that it isn't going to look like what the rest of the world is doing... it isn't going to look like running away from sinners because I am afraid or uncomfortable... God never said that folloeing him was going to be easy or comfortable... I think that things will look different, but how....

anger....

how can he get so angry so quickly over nothing... he was fine and then I said that I could do something and didn't need him to help he go angry... It was scary... I have seen where anger can go and I don't want to be there again... he has never hit me, but there have been times I thought he was going to... I don't want to be here... now that the little people are in bed I feel alone... not that they really made me feel less alone, just safer... maybe this is all in my head... why is he so angry... and why won't he talk to me... I just want to be okay and feel like he loves me... I don't want to be scared....

Pics of my babies dressed up...

here are my babies