something big is going on. something possibly really big. it will still be a long while before anything comes of it, but it is a big thing, so I thought you should know about it....

So it is a big big week. today I go for orientation at my new job!!! tomorrow I move into my apartment! I have to get SL registered from school here, get day care taken care of... holy crap! lots to do this week. then this weekend I will be "away" for a day or so and celebrating my bday!!!! lots of big stuff this week. hopefully things will settle down soon....

I feel the need to say things, most of which should not be put on the world wide web for all of the world to read. so I will refrain for now. just know that life is still going, even though some days I wish to God it would stop. this weekend is busy, and I have some of the greatest friends on earth, even though I forget to acknowledge it most of the time.

Life's still crazy, very little stability. Still kinda lonely too. I am working on it though

Lots has happened. I now have my own space, and it is good. still working on the job thing, but soon....

Six weeks ago....

Six weeks ago
today
my life was broken
into a million pieces
and I stood alone in the wreckage
I was left
to pick up the pieces
and put them
back together again
only when they were back together
there were still holes
missing pieces
that I wonder
if ever existed
to begin with
And here I am
now six weeks later
still clinging to
the brokenness
and the fragments
that I was able to salvage.

That's right this whole ordeal has been going on for 6 weeks (well really it has been longer than that, but 6 weeks ago is a good place to start the timetable) To me it seems like it has been 6 years, or maybe 6 lifetimes. to most ppl it seems like it all just started yesterday, and to some ppl it seems nothing has changed at all...
Today was hard, maybe not so much because it made 6 full weeks, but just because I realized how little I had accomplished, and I feel like I am in the same place I was 5 years ago. I feel pretty alone and disconnected right now. nothing seems to help much. conversations never last long enough, and ppl are too far away...

there is a strong possibility that i could be divorced before my birthday.... I don't know how I really feel about that. Lots going on in my head right now. It is really easy to believe that everyone else's lives will work out, but it is really hard to believe that for me. I guess there are alot of things like that. things that I can see as true for other ppl, but i just can't recognize them as true for me. I guess that is one reason it is so important to be connected to ppl right now. We can hold on to truth for each other, until we can claim the truth for ourselves.

here it is 7pm and I haven't been out of my pj's all day. didn't get much accomplished that I had wanted to, even though most of it wasn't stuff that would be noticed by many ppl anyway. soon the little ppl will be in bed and I will have some time think and hopefully connect with some ppl. I really feel like I need to be connected right now, and I feel pretty disconnected.

I was thinking about how Jesus interacted with sinner during his life. With sinners he was never pushy or rude, so why is it that the church thinks they have a right to be pushy and rude? why is it that we can't learn from Jesus and be tender and gentle with sinners, after all they are the ones that need it most. we tend to do just the opposite of what Jesus did. We beat up sinners and we gentle with religious ppl... that just doesn't sit well with me. Thankfully I am not in a church that likes to beat up sinners, but I know alot of ppl that are or have been. Those ppl have consumed my thoughts today. I hope they find a church (or even just a random group of ppl) that is willing to be Jesus to them, because that is when healing will begin.

ok so right now I think I am on somewhat of a bloging binge. not a bad thing I guess, but there isn't anything all that important to write about.... it's memorial day, and most of the ppl I know (or at least care to associate with) are out of town :( M is in town, she came over last night and we had some wine and chatted for a bit. It was a nice break from the physical aloneness I had been feeling. The little ppl are good, but not the best at listening, and the long distance friends are amazing but there is always the knowledge that they aren't close enough to touch. I think one of the hardest things about physical lonliness is that you don't get to touch ppl. There isn't anyone to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you will get through this. I have ppl telling me that I will get through this, but it feels more promising when it is accompanied by a hug.
Last night M and I talked about asking for what we need. I don't think I do that very well. The ppl around me have been/are great about helping me out, and making sure I am taken care of, at least physically. but when they ask what I need I have trouble figuring it out. I think I realized last night that it is because I always assume they want to know what I physically need, and most of that is taken care of for the moment. So I think I am gonna spend sometime trying to figure out what I need that other ppl can give me. That leads to isseus too though. I don't want to ask for what I need because I don't want to become whiney or needy. I feel like I am both right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time before every one get tired of me, and my situation, and they will leave my life (or ask me to leave theirs.)

And there is another issue right now, something that I am just pretending isn't there in hopes that it will go away. At this point that isn't looking very likely thoguh. So maybe I should work on taking care of it today too.

100 questions

I need to do something to take my mind off some stuff so maybe this will work...

1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
~i'm not convinced that it can happen at least not for me...

2. Do you bite your toenails?
~no, but I did until I was in high school

3. Are you a jealous person?
~sometimes

4. What are you allergic to?
~sour cream, and all those plants that make you itchy

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
~lots of books make me cry the most recent was Blessed Are the Desperate For they Will Find Hope

6. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
~yes, but I have come to expect it from alot of ppl

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
~cookie dough, or Cotton Candy Explosion from that one place by where I used to live

8. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
~I'd tell them that I didn't want to date them (but I don't think I will ever have that problem)

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
~sleeping, or maybe talking to someone

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
~Gravity by Allison Krauss

12. What did you dress up as for last Halloween?
~last halloween, nothing

13. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
~haven't watched TV in over a month but I was an avid LOST fan

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
~currently the same sex (Most men suck)

15. Can others make you cry easily?
~not really, there are a couple of ppl that can though

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
~I think here lately I have been mostly pissed at myself

17. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
~no

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
~not all that much

19. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
~Kiwi

20. Were you a "planned" child?
~no

21. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
~I currently have 4 pairs in my posession, but I own alot

22. What was the last thing to scare you?
~my husband...

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
~about 6 to function most of the time, right now it is alot more though

24. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
~Southern Comfort and Diet coke, or good wine

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor? )
~a couple weeks ago....

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
~physical attractiveness is all relative anyway

27. What personality traits are a must-have in the opposite sex?
~loving, kind, patient, we could go on forever...

28. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
~only if I don't have to take 2 preschool kids alone on an airplane

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
~probably not

30. Have you ever dated someone out of your religion?
~yeah

31. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
~if he asks...

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
~yes, and hopefully soon....

33. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
~I wish more than I plan these days, but that is starting to change a bit

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
~I can speak some french, I was only one semester away from having a minor in it

35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
~rassberry vinigarette

36. What movies do you know every line to?
~Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and Fight Club

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
~yeah

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
~yep

39. When was the last time someone hit you?
~been a while

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
~depends on what it is of and who is in it

41. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
~do they make shoes that aren't flip-flops?

42. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~potatoes and something...

43. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
~one older sis

44. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
~I try to do sweet things all the time

45. When was your last road trip?
~does yesterday count?

46. Name 3 schools you went to:
~University of Southern MS, Warren Central High, Culkin Elementary

47. Name 3 things in your pockets/wallet:
~changes, lighter, paper with a phone # on it

48. Three names you go by:
~lisa, mommy, hey you

49. Who is in the house with you?
~the little ppl

50. Who are you thinking about right now?
I'm not telling

51. How tall are you barefoot?
5'8"

52. Have you ever smoked heroin?
~nope

53. Do you own a gun?
~nope

54. Do you have a crush on someone?
~If I told you I might have to kill you

55. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
~yeah, parents don't like me much

56. What do you think of hotdogs?
~they were ment to be dipped in batter and cooked til golden brown

57. What's your favorite Christmas song?
~the ones I haven't ever heard

58. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
~coffee or diet coke

59. Do you do push-ups?
~nope

60. Have you ever done ecstasy?
~nope

62. Do you like painkillers?
~not really

63. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
~well, whatever it is it only lures the wrong kinda guys so it must not be too good

64. Do you own a knife?
~yes

65. Do you have A.D.D.?
~nope

66. Middle Name?
~Gayle

67. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
~it's almost time to go, I am still tired, I need to figure this out

68. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
~a soda, dinner last night, stamps

69. Name five drinks you regularly drink?
~water, coffee, diet coke... those are the only things I drink regularly

70. What time did you wake up today?
~8:30am

71. Current worry?
~you would be here all day

72. Have you ever been in love?
~yes

73. Current hate?
~me

74. Favorite place to be?
~the beach or the mountains

75. Least favorite place to be?
~alive most days

76. Where do you want to be?
~with someone that loves me

77. Do you own slippers?
~nope

78. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
~I don't even know where I will be tomorrow

79. Do you burn or tan?
~burn

80. Favorite color?
~black and pink

81. Would you be a pirate?
~I don't think so

82. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
~night before last

83. What songs do you sing in the shower?
~most of the time I don't

84. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
~a monster

85. What's in your pockets right now?
~a lighter

86. Last thing that made you laugh?
~a conversation with my sweet friend

87. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
~any were fine

88. Worst injury you've ever had?
~broke my wrist in 6th grade and broke all my toes one summer

90. How many TVs do you have in your house?
~I don't have a house

91. Who is your loudest friend?
~most of my friends are pretty loud

92. Who is your most silent friend?
~mindi probably

93. Does someone have a crush on you?
~not sure

94. Do you wish on stars?
~no but I love to look at them

95. What is your favorite book?
~too many to name

96. What is your favorite candy?
~regular Hershey's bar

97. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
~doesn't matter anymore...

98. What song do you want played at your funeral?
~play whatever you want I will be gone

99. What were you doing 12AM last night?
~I was actually sleeping last night

100. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
~I should go back to sleep

Yesterday...

so it was a long exhausting day yesterday, but I did have 11 hours in a car, half of it completely alone, the other half with just the little ppl, so I had alot of time to think. I started thinking about relationships I'm in and the fact that I will always be in relationships with ppl no matter how much I don't want to be. I know there are a couple relationships in my life that need to be redefined (or maybe defined for the first time) so that there are no misunderstandings (ok so there will always be misunderstandings but there will be less this way) and so that we bot (or all) know where we are coming from and going. There need to be bounderies in some of my relationships that currently have none. For the most part all of this seems like normal life stuff to everyone else, but right now it is a huge deal. Over the past year I have lost every close friend I had with the exception of 1 and I think that is mostly due to lack of bounderies and deffinition. I miss those relationships alot sometimes, but other times I know that this is how things have to be. I don't want to make those same mistakes again though. I want to keep the ppl that are currently in my life. I don't want to lose them because we failed to do something that most ppl do naturally. I think my largest problem is that right now I am pretty relationally retarded. it will take time and practice learning how to be in functioning relationships with ppl, and I will probably lose more relationships before it gets better, but I have no doubt that it will get better

This week has been a roller coaster. some really good things have happened and in an attempt to share my joy, not just my pain, I am going to post a few of those really good things...
-reconnected with a friend that I haven't heard from in months. It is good to have this person in my life, good for both of us....
-I've been really supported by some unlikely ppl this week, one's that have been in the background for most of this ordeal, but have stepped up this week an shown they cared
-got to working on the plan, not just planing it (more to come on this in the near future)
-started believing God may like me just a little bit.
-Felt things (good things) that I haven't felt in a while
-haven't cut in 2 days now

ok, so right now that is all the good stuff I can think of. oh wait one more thing...Found out that I have gone down 3 pants sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (2 in the last month)

so tomorrow I will be taking a road trip to TX... still not sure how I feel about it. I am going alone, so it is going to be long, but I think it will be good. it will give me time to work some stuff out that is running around in my head. I never thought that I would be dealing with some of the thoughts, feelings, issues, ect. that I am right now. it makes everything harder. and God still seems pretty darn far away, and that makes it tough too. but I think I am moving in the right direction. That direction being toward Him and His love. nights like tonight make me feel like He might really love me. and it is the little things that make it feel like that, like conversations with friends and pink furry hats, and hamster key chains. that is where I am finding God's love these days...

so recently I have been reading more books than one person should have time to read in such a short period of time. the other day someone asked me what the most helpful thing I have read has been. I was completely stumped. I'm supposed to be reading things that are helpful? I mean it isn't like I am reading trash, as a matter of fact, not one book I have read has been non-fiction. but most of the books are only making me madder, making me realize that God is sovereign and I am just stupid for not realizing this in the middle of the shit pile I am currently standing in, or that my life could be a hell of alot worse so I should be happy instead of miserable. so yeah all the books I am reading are only making me feel worse. I am sure on the other side of all this I will be like "yeah all those books that I read were right" but right now I feel like they might just be making me feel worse about the whole situation....
any suggestions on how to get over this, or books that might help, are welcomed.

A conversation with a friend...

So around lunch time the other day my friend comes in and, as usual, she is on the phone. she is tell the person on the other end of the phone about the shit that happened earlier in the day then she says "I think God hates me" to which I reply the only way I can "I think he hates me more" at this point the person on the other end of the phone becomes a bystander in our converstation. my friend agreed that God hates me more, or at least that my case is stronger than hers, and then decides that maybe that is why I am in her life. I say "Yep, that is why all this is happening to me, so ppl can look at me and say, 'God must love me at least a little bit because my life isn't as fucked up as her's'" we both laugh hysterically to keep from crying. that is how life has been for a little while now

today was lazy (when your in survival mode most days feel lazy) I didn't sleep well last night. so I slept off and on all day, mostly in one hour increments waking up due to random bad/weird dreams that seemed too real. sat on the back porch for a long time watching the birds and having random conversation with K. then we went to eat. K's bday is tomorrow and so we ate birthday dinner. I couldn't let her eat birthday dinner alone. it was a good time. we talked about relationships and the mess that we call life. I am so very glad she is in my life. Like I told her, I don't think I am doing amazingly well because of me, but mostly because of the amazing ppl in my life. thankfully there is lots of support. there are also lots of unsupportive ppl. sometimes it becomes hard to tell the truth from all the lies. thankfully today is not one of those days.


right now I feel like this whole situation might me the direct result of me praying that God would allow me to see what true community is, how it looks, and how it functions in the midst of the disfunction of life. This really isn't what I had in mind when I asked for that. I didn't mean for my life to fall apart.

so I am horrible about updating, but recent events in my life are just to draining and time consuming to type out after living them all day long. one day I will write it all down for those of you that aren't able to physically be around so you will know what happened in my absence from the world wide web.

Right now I want to talk about Jesus. I think I have talked about "jesus experiences" here but this is almost more than that. For my whole life I alway thought something was missing from the churches I attened, now I am beginning to wonder if that thing has been Jesus, or at least the real Jesus. thinking about the past couple of week and how my community of faith has responded makes me see a really good picture (not perfect by any means but better than anything I have seen before) of who the Bible portrays Jesus as. I mean I have seen other ppl go through similar things inside a church environment and they come out more beaten up by the church than the situation. Jesus didn't go around beating up ppl that were already broken and wounded. He was there to give them comfort, not to condemn them. He was there to offer what he could, not tell them they aren't doing enough. he was there to love them, not judge them. He came for the sick and wounded not the rightous. anyways, the community that I have been blessed to be a part of for not even a full year has really come together to love on me. and I have no doubt that that love will continue. I just wish all churches could be Jesus to ppl like this. my wish is that everyone could have a community of amazing ppl like I have here.

still so much shit going on. I feel like my life has literally fallen apart around me and now I have to pick up the peices and go on. I'm not sure I can do that though. I feel like I just want a different life now. I keep hearing ppl say it is going to get better, I am just having trouble seeing it getting any better...

I thought I should break my blogging absence. so here I am. I am not in a good place right now. I am hurt, alone, weak, tired, and don't know what to do. I don't know what the next few weeks are gonna look like, but I have a feeling they won't be pretty. I want to be better, but I am afaid of what it is going to cost. I feel like I am trapped and the only way(s) out will turn out bad. maybe being trapped isn't such a bad thing? but I know in reality it is....

the past few days have been difficult in my little corner of the world. Everything in my life (including my life at times) seems to be broken. I can't focus, I just want to stay in bed. I don't feel safe anywhere (almost anywhere at least) It seems like life is against me right now, and I am losing what little energy I have to fight. blah

so I guess I should explain the new journey so ppl will stop asking me if I am pregnant (nope I'm not) I started a conversation about teenagers at the Journey. ever since then the question "do you know what your getting into" has been runing through my mind. um.... not really. we have a good starting point and I am excited, though. this week has been a huge rollercoaster for me. terrified, excited, balanced, depressed. yeah...

oh and for those that knew anything about the would-be internship, I emialed them and told them I no longer wanted to be considered. there was alot more to it than that (including several phone calls) and all is well. so that is where life is.

Something new....

so I am getting ready to embark on a new journey. I am scared to death at this current moment, but I am so excited too. soon, there will be a new blog. this one will still be around but the new one will document the new journey. good things are happening.....

House Churches revisited

ok so let talk about house churches. in an effort to make today seem worth while I surfed over to the Time website to read this article that has gotten alot of talk lately. several ppl pointed the article out to me, and I was interested, but didn't have the time.
so my thoughts on house churches a year later...
I still think they are deffinatly doable. it is a great concept. I think it does take alot of passion, & support. Last year there where 5 or 6 (I could go look it up but I don't feel like it) house church that came out of RTPC. I was excited., but it all came crashing down. there were too many ppl that thought they were in charge (or wanted to be) and no one wanted to care about the other ppl. it all became a power struggle.
we left the house churches for a couple of reasons. 1. it felt too exclusive. it was worse than a big church that felt like a country club. there was no way for an outsider to break into these groups. 2. I could take feeling inferior, whether or not it was intended to be that way, that is how it felt
3. the pain was way too much. even before the split to house churches happened there was alot of pain and house churches seemed to make that pain explode.
all in all I am now 100% sure that it was time to leave. we are now in a good place (not a perfect place)
Do I think house churches are bad. well no way. I have some friends who are very involved in the house church movement and amazingly great things are being done through their churches. But I don't think it is for everyone. I think that if you go into expecting to escape form the horrors of the institutional church, then it isn't going to work. I think that if you love ppl that have been beaten and abused by church to the point they refuse to go near a church building, then you may have something with house churches. I think it takes alot of dedication and suffering to see the fruit of house churches.

so I have been away from blogger for about a week now. most of that is due to the fact that my children tried to eat my computer (ok not the whole thing just the power cable, and not really eat just destroy) but all is better on that front. the van was sick again. it is better also. tomorrow there is a girls party, but I don't know that I will make it (sorry girls) mom is coming into town at some point, and there are a couple other things that have come up. tim also has to work. and I don't know that I am up for much partying.... I haven't felt all that great all week. not sure if it is a physical thing or a mental thing (or a combonation of the 2) I have read alot this week. some really good stuff and some not so good stuff. I have also watched a ton of tv. I think I watched more tv this week than I have in the past year combined. Thursday night I watched 5 hours of tv. I can still feel my mind rotting from it.

last night we talked about Luke 13:10-17....
I'm still thinking about it. it might consume me for a while. some more thoughts that came after re-reading the story today......
Jesus can only heal someone who lets him heal them.... they may not be looking for it, but they need to be willing. I think that is alot of my problem. I want to be the one that heals myself.
The woman wasn't looking to be healed, she wasn't expecting to be healed. She knew the laws about the Sabbath. but Jesus saw her, and healed her. Maybe healing doesn't always come from where we think it should. and this woman had lived like this for 18 years. she had learned to deal with her problem. she had learned how to live in spite of her problems. maybe that is where I need to start. maybe I need to learn how to live in spite of my faults, and problems.....
the other thing is that this lady was visible, her problems were visible. Jesus saw her. that is tough. making my issues visible. that seems way to hazardous to me. the whole rejection thing comes into play...
oh another thought on this.... I bet the lady didn't wake up that morning thinking she was going to be healed. she went to the synagogue because she was jewish and that is what she did. I think alot of times I go to church expecting something to happen, expecting to be healed, even if it is tiny bit of healing that I am expecting. alot of times I probably miss so much of what is going on because I am too busy saying "Ok God I'm here at church now fix this or that".


so... yeah... those are my thoughts. that is where I am.

I feel the need to blog something of substance, unfortunatly there isn't alot of that going on in my life right now.... I did get a new cell phone (finally) so if you feel the need to have the # and don't email me and I will get it to you (if I deem you worthy)
other than that, life has been uneventful. I am in the process of thinking about something... (yeah that was really descriptive) I don't think anything will come out of it for a while, but it is really where I want to go with life. time will tell I suppose. I just wish I knew for sure that it was what I was supposed to be spending any and all my time on. right now I feel kind of stuck, and disconnected. I don't know. lots of thinking going on, but doesn't seem like there is much doing....

oh... go here and do this, then make your own...

it has been a long week. lots of random crappy-ness, and I don't feel very well. I don't know... some of the crappy things seem almost funny now. but it has been a whole week of bad days, ones where I wish I would have just stayed in bed. the fact that it is saturday only eases the pain a bit. knowing that the week is almost over, and maybe next week will be slightly better. but knowing that he doesn't have a day off til friday doesn't make it all that great. I want time alone. not time alone with the little ppl. I do love them, but I want to be alone. to read in peace and quiet. to see my friends without having to worry about them being decent. ugh... I need to do things...

so yeah.... sm groups start back this week. I am pretty excited. Wed night tim and I are gonna go to one together, we'll see how it works out. I think it will be good. then thurs night I am going to another one. I feel honored that I get to be a part of the thursday night group. it is going to be a small, safe group. I like that. there aren't alot of places in my life that are very safe right now.

saw Brokeback mountain Sat night. it was fun and spontaneous. I am glad I got invited, and I am glad I went. still forming thoughts on the movie itself. it was intense. I also created a me space yesterday, and used it last night for a while. it needs a lamp, I think I might go look for one today at some point. I also need some more candles so I don't have to relocate the other ones in my house. and I still need to find a belt for my vaccum cleaner so I can vacuum. my floors look so bad.

this week has lots of promise. I am pretty excited. I might get things accomplished and such. and I will most definitely get to have contact with other ppl. I guess I need to feed some little ppl and get to work on being productive....

so I have been back to being a stay-at-home mommy for almost a month now (seems like way longer) and for the past few days I have been trying to figure out why it is so hard this time. I did this for almost 5 years before. I have come to the conclusion that it has alot to do with the ppl. not the little ppl (even though they are getting older and more independent) but the ppl in my life. until last april, I knew someone else that stayed home (I still know her but she is too far away to visit when I need to talk about things) And for the most part the ppl in my life now all have lives. And tim isn't home much right now, so my one chance for adult time is gone. It has been a couple days since I saw another adult who wasn't sleeping. yeah that is fun. and I have become alot better at organizing and cleaning the house with limited time (or livining with it a mess) so it doesn't take me nearly as long to do things now.
I love being at home. I really love getting to see my kids grow up, and all the fun things they do. but at the same time I really want contact with the outside world.
maybe it has just been a bad week...

Monday again...

yep here it is monday again. hasn't been all that bad, a little disappointing, but not too bad. blah... Got to do a little theraputic shopping tonight. it was nice. hubby got a new job. he starts tomorrow, but he will still be working, at least part time, at the other job. yeah. that is gonna be lots of fun. anyways, I think my house is becoming a cave, and I think I will see how long I can go without leaving, or going crazy. doubt it will be very long....

I thought I should update... I am in the middle of several things that aren't very fun, or easy right now. some days I am doing good just to survive. Others, I don't know that I am even surviving very well. There are days when I wonder if my life was ment to be lived in a cave, and there are day I cry because I know it isn't. There are relationships that are falling apart all over the place, and there are I am, standing in the middle of it all.
I think it all has alot to do with growing up, or at least realizing that I have responsibilities that don't go well with the not so grown up life style. And then I see all the fun things that I get out of it. all the happy little moments that seem so divinely appointed. these aren't the same things that would have made me a happy a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth all that I fear losing. Sometimes I think they are, but other times I'm not so sure.
I am trying desperatly to cling to relationships that are far beyond dysfunctional. Relationships that should have been let go of along time ago, but loss is too hard, even when I know it is for the best for everyone involved. why the hell is change so fucking hard.....

there are things I need to be doing, but instead I am sitting here in alot of pain. it all started about this time last week. I finally went to the dr on friday. turns out it is a kidney infection (no real suprise there) but the severity was suprising. so I have been taking antibiotics and phenagran (sp) (so I don't throw up the antibiotics) all weekend. the dr didn't give me anything for pain, but said by today I should be feeling significantly less pain. um, WRONG! and I keep getting chills, and just pretty much feeling like death. I felt better yesterday, but last night I started feeling worse again. it feels like my heart is racing, but when I check my pulse it is normal. I'm kinda shakey. I don't think this is a good thing. I think I will call the dr and see what they say. hope I don't need to go back in, not today, I don't know if I can move that far, or for that long.

deja vu

so last week I started feeling this strange since of deja vu. it wasn't a good situation and I wanted to run really far away from it. but the more I find out about the situation (which I am not involved in really, but friends are) the more ok I am with it. I don't think it will turn out the same way as the last situation. and now I realize how different the 2 situations are, but it is still weird. almost like bad situations follow me around. yeah... I think the worst thing about it is the fact that ppl might still get hurt, or are being hurt already. it sucks...

Christmas pics.

so after forever I finally have christmas pics up. here they are

ok, so, I had a really weird thing happen today. I am still recovering from it. I was in target looking at candles. there was a little girl (later I would find out that she is 12) and her mom looking at candles also. well the mom was looking at candles but the little girl was looking at me. it wasn't the way most ppl look at me, ya know like I am weird or something. she was studying my like there was going to be a test once she got out of the store. after a few mins the girl said "Mom, can I dye my hair?" to which the mother quickly replied "NO!" the girl went back to looking at me some more. then she said "well then can I get a tatoo?" the mother's reply was "Have you gone crazy? of course you can't get a tatoo. you are only 12!"
the girl stood there for a min looking like she might cry soon and then she said "I'm almost a teenager, I just want to look cool like her" she was pointing to me. her mom looked at me, and then drug her to the other end of the candle aisle as if being another few feet away I wouldn't be able to hear their conversation. the mom said "you don't want to be like her. she can't be any older than 16 or 17, and she has 2 kids. she probably had to drop out of high school because she got pregnant by some boy who doesn't even like her. she isn't cool at all, she is probably a depressed drug addict"
WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to say so much, but I didn't say anything. I just walked away with my yummy rasberry candle and my little ppl. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she really shouldn't make assumtions about ppl. I wanted to tell her that I was 25, I graduated in the top 5 percent of my class, that I had been off drugs for almost 5 and a half years, that my kids have a dad that loves them very much..... but I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't look anything like this if I were all the things she thought I was, but I just took my candle and left.

so my question is, what did you think about me the first time you saw me?

Happy 2006!!!

so it is here, the new year. looks alot like last year. lots of dreams and hopes for this year. my oldest little person starts school this year. I think it is gonna be a good year. yep I do

new years ever? what is going on this year guys? for the past few years there was no need to make plans, because it was always to the in laws house, but this year we aren't doing that, (mostly bc the inlaws live in ca now.) so what are we doing? come give me something to work with here!

I feel very disconnected right now. if I can just make it through this week I will be ok. then I can go to the dr, and find out what is wrong. but this week I just can't. I am kinda sad. and I feel icky. I have to go to work soon, so I should probably start trying to move now. this morning my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. I must have passed out again, it seemed like an eternity before it went off again, but it was only 9 mins. I feel really lightheaded, so I ate, but now i just feel like I might throw up. everyone says I should go to the dr, NOW, but I think I can wait. just one more week. just til mon. I will be ok, really I will.

I think something is wrong, even more wrong than I could have ever imagined...... I've lost 23 pounds in just over 2 months, and I don't lose weight, especially when I am not trying. I passed out in walmart today. It was really scarry, especially since I had the little ppl with me. I don't know what is going on....

Happy Chistmas Eve!

here it is already the afternoon of christmas eve. where has the day gone. I even got up at 8 this morning. I have been reading Prozac Nation today, and I have to layed down after every chapter. maybe that is where my day has gone, to napping in between chapters of prozac nation what a way to spend christmas eve. soon I will be getting ready to go to the Christmas eve service, and then... I don't know. I think that somehow I was convinved that we should open presents tonight so we could sleep in tomorrow before going to my dad's. it is gonna be fun. I want to spend later tonight with my friends, once the girls are in bed, but I don't know if tim will be ok with that. I won't get to see them tomorrow because I will be at dad's house. but for some reason it feels important to spend time with them. they are a different kind of family. maybe I will get be with them for a while. I'm cold. and the girls need to eat.....

I need to be filling out last min. christmas cards (the ones that I do more than just sign for close friends. that I will be hand delivering tomorrow) and I need to be doing cleaning, but none of that is quiet too appealing right now. a friend asked me what my dream job is, it is no job at all. not that I don't want to work, but my dream job wouldn't even have to pay as long as I got to do it. if it did pay that would be good but not necessity. it is more of a vision than a job really. I might talk about it more later when I have it worked out more. I don't know.....

thinking out loud, for just a min.

hmmm... it has been another long week, but I have almost made it, not by anything I have done however. God is making me rely on him more. it is tough. but I know he is going to provide. it is like he has said, "ok you tried it your way, and it didn't work out so great, now let me tak over" but that is really hard. right now I am ok, but I think it is because I am so tired I can't even worry. last night was great. I got away for a while. and for the first time in a while, I felt like it was ok. not that life was ok, but that I was ok. sometimes I think me being ok isn't important, but maybe it is. the random thoughts that are running through my head are getting all jumbled right now. this is what makes ppl go crazy.

I feel like crap... there could be a couple reasons for this, but I think it is a UTI or kidney infection more likely, being that UTI's rarely faze me anymore.
so in good news the van will be fixed tomorrow. if it is done by lunch then we will go get it then, if not it will be Wed morning, because the stupid place closes at 5pm and I don't get off til 5.... ugh. but they do open at 7:30am. so by mid week I will have my lovely van back. I promise to take better care of her.(even though most of the problem is that I just drive way too much)
Christmas is on its way. I've already gotten the best thing ever. I have great friedns and I feel more loved than I have in a really long time.
I was thinking about christmas memories today. my favorite christmas growing up was my Sr. year. yea that is a bit weird since it was just a month be for that I that I got kicked out of my dad's house. but I got to experience Christmas in a completely different way that year. I went to the mountains in NM and spent christmas with some ppl that are still very dear to me. I didn't get alot of stuff, but it was great. I think this will be one of those christmases too. you know, the ones where what you learn is so much more important than what you get. I like those the best. and I have concluded that hugs are the best presents

the word wrapped in flesh, dwelling among us. that is what it is about. S talked about this tonight. about how when god has an important message for us he wrapps it in flesh and sends it to us. in the old testemant it was the angel of the Lord, and then god wrapped up is grace and his truth up in flesh, called it Jesus, and sent it to live among us. how amazing is that. and now god wrapps his grace and truth, and everything else that he is, up in us so that we can be that for ppl. I knew just what was being siad tonight. it has been happening to be alot lately. ppl being jesus in the flesh to me, and to my family. I love it. I still don't know that I can be that for anyone else, but maybe that is when it happens, when we don't even know it is happening. hmmmm.... I love having Jesus moments, no matter how small they are. like tonight, it was as small as k just putting her arm around me.
I'm trying to work out lots of things. anger, denial, worry, fear.... it all seems to come at once. and there are some things that I am convinced will never make since. I don't know...

A christmas story....

so with the van broke, and all the other random crap going on, we had decided that christmas wasn't going to be about presents this year (it isn't about presents anyway,but wth little kids it is hard.) so I had asked some friends to pray about the $$ situation, and one of them convinved me to make an amazon wishlist for the girls. so I did. and in less the 24 hours the list had been purchased, and now the presents have started arriving. there are a couple of things that are really special about this to me. the first being that it makes me feel really loved. I don't feel worthy to have friends this great. I don't deserve any of this, but that is kinda like God. We didn't deserve the wonderfully precious gift of his Son dying for our sins, but we get it, all be have to do is accept it. the other thing that was so great about this was that someone had amazon wrap the presents before they were shipped, and the gift tag on those presents says "Enjoy my birthday, Love Jesus" I read it to stacey the other day and now she is so excited that Jesus sent her a present. I am so greatful that there are ppl that are willing to be Jesus to my family. I didn't even think I wanted anything for Christmas, but I realize that I have gotten the only thing that I could want, I am happy and I feel loved.

sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it, only to find out that it is worth so much more....

I have great friends. all the ppl in my life are so amazing. thank you all for what you do, for what you have done, and for what I am sure you will do in the future. It all means the world to me. but thank you most of all for loving me, even when I am in the middle of not loving myself.

so there is alot going on, but most of it is internal and doesn't make much sense to me right now. I have amazing friends, great kids, a wonderful husband.... but I feel alone, and hurt. I don't know why. I am sure it is somthng I have created. I have alot to do today, but instead I am here. trying to figure out what is going on, and why. the house is a wreck, but I think it is just an outward reflection of my heart right now. it has been a long and rough week. I have seen the love of God in ppl like never before, but at the same time I feel so far from that place. I feel like I am so worthless. I know this isn't true, but that is how I feel. I just need to find a way to tranlate the knowledge from my head to my heart. I hear all the words ppl say, and they all sound so good, but it doesn't help.

so I need to blog about not blogging, or at the very least the whole online journal scene. I think I will post this on all my journals. let me explain what has happened. I have 3 online journals. this one, one at live journal, and one at xanga. they are all very different. this one is to keep me connected to my virtual world. all the ppl I know online, and a couple of ppl that cross over. it is random updates on life and stuff, sometimes deep, sometimes now. xanga (where I have been spending most of my time) is mostly kept for my community of physical ppl. the ones I see. I say things there that I don't say in real life for one reason or another. it is about me, but different than blogger. and live journal is a very small part of my online journaling life. I keep up with a select few ppl there that I love very much. I seldomly update there, but when I do I know that it will be read. it is all about audiance. not that I am a different person on each journal, but I share different parts of my life at different places. so there.

happiness.....

wow! I am really overwhelmed right now. this has been a big week. I feel so loved right now, and it rocks. I was so afraid that this was going to turn out bad, real bad. but instead it turned out better than I could have ever hoped for. how amazing is this? how great is it to feel so loved? I just want to hold onto this feeling forever. life isn't ok, but knowing how much I am loved makes it seem a little bit better. man this is so cool.

tomorrow is sunday. I have come to really like sunday alot. first of all I get to sleep in. that is always a good thing. then, I don't have to do anything when I wake up. sure the little ppl need tending to, but the are growing up, and they want to be independent, so I let them, for the most part. then on sunday nights I get to be with a ton of really great ppl that I love and worship God. what could be better? its not about going to church. going to church is something I have done most of my life. this is different. we don't go to church, we attempt to be church. not just on sunday night (we don't meet on sunday mornings at all) but all the time. we don't always succeed, but that is ok. it is all part of it. I love the fact that there are ppl that are ok with the fact that I screw up, because i do, ALOT. church is taking on a new meaning for me. church is ppl not places. church isn't somewhere you go, or even something you do, it is something we are.

I am thinking about doing something to my hair this weekend. I guess you will just have to wait and see (and if I update as frequntly as I have been you might have to wait a while) In other news, I am starting to like new ppl alot. yeah it is weird, and so are they.
went to artmix last night. it was cool. there were ice sculptures. it rocked. if it doesn't rain tomorrow I might take the little ppl to the park. got to clean up the house too. ugh, I hate cleaning. but it has to be done. no insightful stuff today. maybe later my brain will feel more like working

the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....

life just got insane. since I am working we have some friends watching the girls during the day. thus far it has been a good deal and worked out well. until today.... Fri night the grandmother of the babysitter had a heart attack (she lives with the babysitter) and we decided that things would be okay and the girls could still be watched there. today however grandma's kidney's started to fail. so now the babysitter is going to be at the hospital with her during the day. hence there is no babysitter until further notice. this wouldn't be much of a problem if it had been this weekend as my sis is coming to stay at our house while I am in nash. but as it is we are without a sitter Thurs, fri, and mon. ugh. Hubby is trying to find out if he can take a couple of vacation days, so he can stay home and still get paid. but we won't know til tomorrow. I am taking an entire week off so I would feel like crap if I had to take more time off. this is one of those situations that is completely out of our control and I hate it. I am sure there is a good lesson somewhere in this, but I don't know where right now.

Nashville is coming upon me very quickly. this time next week I will be busy packing and buying all the last min things for the trip, drinks for the road, and snacks. as I will have to work the 14th and will be leaving early in the am the 15th. I have to be there the 16th to start working on Registration stuff, but the 15th I will get into Nash at a decent hour and hang out with the debra. I can't wait to see her. there will be much fun had. I am finding it harder to get excited this year. there is so much to do that I just don't have the time to be excited. it will come, I am sure. but there are other things going on in life also. some that are not so blog worthy. others that I will blog about at some point.
Last night was fun. I got bored of being home cleaning so I called some ppl (brian and candi to be exact) and they were going to Hal & Mals so I decided to go along. Living better Electricly played. they were good. it was fun. glad I got to see Brian & candi again, it has been to long. we need to make it a habit to hang out with them more often.
I am working on a secret project. it might turn out well, took some time to talk to someone that I really want to be involved in it yesterday. I think they are on board. not much will happen with it until after christmas though. there just isn't the time.

I did add something new to the poetry blog, so if you like that sort of thing you should check it out. um.... yeah that is about all....

Disconnected.........

I don't feel very connected to anything... I don't know why. I have felt like crying for the last few days, but I still haven't. I did get really fusterated today and slammed my head into the desk at work. it almost felt good. that is scary... on the way home tonight my 4yr old was singing "free falling" it is creepy that she knew the words. I don't feel like doing anything. maybe I just won't...... goodnight

it's been a while. ONLY 2 WEEKS TIL I AM IN NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that rocks so hard. work is... going.... lots of stuff it a pain in the butt right now, but I get to get way and go to Nashville for a little bit!!!! it will be a nice vacation.

drowning in emotions
exhausted and overwhelmed...
not sure where I want to be
but I doubt it's anywhere
pain and doubt crowd my mind
I just feel like falling down,
and staying there for a while....

yeah that is where I am right now. I think I will go learn something right now. yep...

so we were supposed to do my hair last night. it didn't get done, but it will be done Saturday. tonight we are having a party at my house. yay! it is gonna rock. it is gonna be a busy weekend. but it is gonna be fun. just over 2 weeks til I get to go to nashville, see the Deb, and hang out with some really cool peeps. that is gonna rock too. lots going on, and I should be working but I don't feel like it...

and now for an update....

first off... DEBRA I have not forgotten about you I am just really busy but I will be emailing you soon and I will be seeing you in less than 3 weeks

so now for an update on life.... it is busy.... we are having a halloween party at my house. it is going to be fun... it is cold. I like cold. life is going. things are changing. yeah that is about all for now I need to sleep.

so an update on the random ear pain, it is still there, but not quite as bad. And the mysterious fever that came along with it seems to have gone away as of yesterday. I am feeling alot better, and I am sleeping better thanks to the muscle relaxers.

yesterday I had a fun adventure. when I left work I noticed that my back tire was a little flat so I put some air in it and went on my way to get the little ppl. I never made it however (Idid finally make it to the little ppl but my van did not) the tire decided it needed to die. it sucked. so I got someone to come get me so I could get my spare (it was at my house, not in my van, because that is the logical place for a spare to be) then we took the spare and put it on the van, only to realize the spare was flat as well, and it wouldn't even pretend to hold any air. so today will be spent getting a new tire and putting it on. then hopefully we will have time to go to the halloween carnival at the Rez. the girls will have fun doing that.


oh an debra I haven't forgotten about you, I will try to email you this weekend with the plans for when I am up there.... love ya lots

been a while

yep I have been slacking on my blog. partly because I have been working but mostly because I have been sick. I am still sick but go to the ENT in the morning. I go to nashville in less than a month. I can't wait to see my deb and meet up with some of the YS peeps. it is gonna rock. hopefully my sickness with be over by then. I will keep ya updated.

Well, we went to the state fair tonight. it was fun. it is always fun when you go somewhere that you know is going to be way to crowded. what is it that compells ppl to go somewhere when they know tons of other ppl are going to be there. I did run into an old friend though (I was truely suprised that I only saw one person I knew the whole time) Anyways this old friend was someone that I used to write poetry with when I was going to Holmes. it was good to see him again. It made me want to write again. I don't think this counts.

some things I should have blogged about....

so with the business of the past week I have been meaning to blog about some things but haven't gotten around to it. here are just a few of them:

- something was said last week that I really agree with The primary goal of the gospel is to reunite people with their Maker by way of the cross, but much of what the church does today only makes that seperation lager. I don't know where the quote origianlly came from but I like it and I have alot of thoughts on it that I hope to get around to posting later.
- also now that I just started working, there probably won't be a baby as soon as I would like one, but right now I am just going to leave all that up to God. After all He is the one in control anyway.
- the new church we are going to is growing on me alot. I took a huge step (for me at least) and went out to lunch with some ppl on Mon (some of the leadership) it was nice to see them as ppl and not just positions. they are some fun ppl too.
- I got the new DC*B cd at some point before the release date. it rocks and if I can swing it I am going to see them in concert on 10-27 (I think that is the date) and then I will be seeing them at NYWC as they are leading worship part of the time.
-Speaking of NYWC the boss said it was cool that I take the time off, being that it was a preivious engagment so I am all set.
-mom has moved to TX and she is liking it, I think. life will be very different without her around

and that is pretty much all, nothing too deep and profound right now. too much going on. once I get used to working things will get better. now I have to go finish house cleaning.

work was good this week. I think I am going to like it. and it is cool working with roo. she rocks. Stacey is sick (ugh) so she is just laying around on the couch. it doesn't really seem like she is getting much better. I guess if she isn't better by Mon I will call and make an appt. for her to see the dr. yay fun. she never gets sick so this sucks.

today.... man....

it was a great day, but I feel like it has been alot longer than just one day. God has been amazing! so fist I went to lunch with the Journey staff. this was a big step. it has alot to do with what happened with the last church, and the fact the I have a huge fear of it happening all over again. but today I got to see the ppl not the positions. it was cool.

then I came home (after making several stops.) got the mail and opened it before getting out of the car. The health insurance cards came, which I knew would mean they $$ would start coming out of hubby's check, which means I need to get a job NOW!!!
So I go inside, and start returning phone calls that had happened while I was out. Called roo to find out that I have a job, starting tomorrow!!!!!!!! how cool is that of God!!!!!!!!! I knew that the thing with roo would happen but I wasn't sure when, and god made it happen in his time. so I will be starting work and it will more than make up for what is taken out for insurance. and I have a great babysitter too!

here is my big girl on her birthday!!!! 

I thought I posted this already....

a couple days ago I ran into a blog that I like.... it had a quote on it that I liked. I took the quote with every intention of making a post on it, but just realized I still haven't so now I am...

the quote....
I believe that our understanding of God is deficient without the contribution of those who have a dependency on Christ that most of us only read about. Yet we write the books on ecclesiology (church), which is ironic since our culture provides us with a context that leaves community as an option, whereas community for them is often a means of survival.
shouldn’t they be invited into dialogues about church since they live what most of us attend? They really know what it means to "share all things in common" (Acts 2), we "sacrifice what we don't need, keep what we want" and then write about community while living in neighborly isolation.


I want what "they" have. I want that community so much. About a year ago I fist saw what really community means, and first realized I didn't have it. Last year I was somewhere with a bunch of ppl I didn't know. something happened and some of those ppl helped me out. they didn't care how it looked to the outside, they didn't care about what ppl where saying... They cared that I was hurting and that they could help. I came home from somewhere and tried to find that here. I couldn't, mostly because we live in neighborly isolation. we talked about community, but we weren't one. we still kept our distance outside of "church", but I don't know why.
With recent life events, conversations about where life is going, and just general 'stuff' I wonder if community really is an option for Christians. We weren't created to be solitary beings. if my life keeps going the way it is community won't be an option for me. I just hope I don't have to move to another country to find it.
I want to be part of a ppl that "share all things in common". I need that. I know God wouldn't put this desire in me if He didn't have a reason. I know that GREAT things are going to be happening soon... I just don't know what all this means right now.


oh... in life news...
my mom is moving to TX tomorrow.
my little girl turned 3.
and the secret is.... we are planning on having another baby, we thought we were pregnant, but it turned out that we weren't, but we will be soon, hopefully. :)

this cute thing is now 3 years old!!!!!!!!!!! 

yep as of yesterday my baby turned 3!!!!!!!!!! time flies...


2months 


1year 


2 years 

there will be 3 year pics soon, I just have to get them onto the computer from the camera. she got tons of stuff and is a happy camper right now!

(oh and just so you know I have been without a computer for 3 days because of a stupid power supply, but thanks to my daddy it is fixed and cost me nothing :) )

update on catlin

well, she is recovering fine. her gums are pretty beat up behind her 4 front teeth on the bottom, but only one tooth is loose. she is having some trouble eating however. looks like she will be on a mashed potatoe diet for a little while. the problem is that whenever she bites into anything it hurts and she cries out "mommy, my teeths hurts!" so that is no fun at all. it looks like she will loose the tooth that is loose fairly soon (long before baby teeth would normally start coming out) probably within the next month it will be out, yay. I can hear the screaming already.

in other news. we got a cake pan today for her birthday cake. it is a 3-D duck. there will be pictures as soon as it is made and decorated. all of which I am doing. yay.

tomorrow is Sunday. it will be a busy day. I am already planning a nap. we have partnership classes (like membership classes at most churches) in the morning, then church tomorrow night. there should be plenty of time for napping as hubby doesn't have to work. YAY!

MY CAR IS FIXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that is almost all I have accomplished today. I did get to the store to pick this nifty little think up for my littlest one's 3rd birthday! it rocks and she will love it. (almost as much as the toys grandma and grandpa sent her that I have yet to wrap) other than that the day has been uneventful. wait no! I take that back there was almost a catastrophe (maybe I am exagerating a bit but it sure seemed that way at the time) Catlin (the one that is almost 3) fell face first onto the ground and busted her mouth. we think what happened was it moved one of her front teeth on the bottom (as it is way more crooked now) and caused her gums to bleed really bad. most of the bleeding has now stopped, but I don't dare touch the tooth yet to see how loose it really is and if it can be pulled or just needs to stay, because she has fallen asleep and earlier when I touched the tooth she screamed like she was dieing. while I was typing that last sentence she woke up and was in alot of pain. we gave her some tynenol and put some orajel on her mouth. she didn't like it at all but she seems tonot be hurting now. hopefully things will settle down by in the morning as I have things to do that don't involve sitting with a screaming almost 3 yr old on my lap all day long. only time will tell

thoughts....

I've been thinking about alot of stuff lately.

Community- yep thinking about that again. about how I am afraid to get hurt but I feel like I am in a safe place now. When I first went to Journey about a year ago I thought it was comfotable, and so, even if I was in a place to chage churches (I wasn't just ask GOD) I couldn't go there. but now it feels safe. it feels like a place where I can heal. it feels like a place where I can be loved.

vulnerability- this is why we aren't going to the same small group. if I went to the same small group as him then I would not be as vulnerable, or open. I would let him talk while I just sat there nodding in agreement. I don't like to trust ppl unless I know them, or unless I have to trust them. there are some exceptions to this rule, but after the recent 'church' incidents not many of those exceptions are found within churches.

life- my life isn't bad, but it isn't where I thought it would be. I can remember being in highschool and thinking that life would be perfect by now. Little did I know that what I thought was perfect then would never become reality. I do like my life and where I am right now. it has taken alot to get to this place, but I don't think I would trade any of it for the whole world.

I know that I am a weak and messy person, and I know that soon I won't be able to hide that from them. But I feel like it will be met with comfort and love, not condemnation and hate. I just pray that I am not wrong, again.....

it has been a stressful couple of days, so I made a quiz. yeah I suck.
my car isn't very happy. the alternator is dying a slow death. it is gonna be like $300 to fix it, and that is with knowing someone. ugh. but I can drive it during the day if I have to. like tomorrow when I must go get an iron, because ours is dead. yes we killed our iron.
I still have hurricane thoughts tucked away somewhere, and I still have a secret that has yet to be revealed. the secret was put on hold by the hurricane. I didn't forget to tell you. just nothing has really been confirmed yet, and it could be a little bit still. don't worry I won't forget to tell you...

new poetry

As promised

so I told you I would post my thoughts. they seem to be abundent so I will just start at the begining. I didn't right down how I felt at first so I will just type it here.

Sunday night- we decided to go stay with some friends leave monday and come home tuesday if there was anything to come home to. so I started to pack things we would need then I realized that if I were to come home to nothing I would need to take what was important with me. so I packed up all my poetry, some books that are hard to find, and my pictures. then I went to bed.

monday morning- finished packing clothes, some more stuff I couldn't live without, mostly stuff my grandma gave me, stuff time wanted, and a few toys for the girls. then left out not knowing what I would come back to in 24 hours but fearing it would be nothing at all.
it was raining and so windy on the drive over. I had my dog in the front seat and the kids in the back. and everything I hold precious to me in life behind them. it was a long 14 miles.
finally go there, got unloaded and there was no power. all I could think was that it was going to be a long day. thankfully the hurricane cooled things off a bit so it wasn't balzing hot.

that was pretty much it til that night....

(here is where the paper journal picks up.)

The power has been out for 10 hours and counting. Katrina messed up life. Things you take for granted like ice and water are now reason for fights. Power, you think it is bad that you have to wait a few days til your AC is fixed? It would be weeks til we have electricity. We do have phone lines still but cell phones aren't working. Food. did you eat a nice dinner cooked on your electric stove? WE did get hot food today. we finally got the grill started (in wind gusts up to 90 mph) and had burgers, instant potatoes, and texas toast. So I guess I can't complain. we played some cards and made shadow puppets to pass the time. We should be able to get out and drive around tomorrow, but they aren't promising power for at least a week. we won't know about our house til tomorrow, when we can drive over there. I am praying it will still be there and in one piece. I am so thankful for all the ppl that are praying for us. I know God hears you. at one point the eye was heading straight for us, only about 60 miles from us. but it didn't make it here. it turned and went East, completely bypassing us. I totally know it was because god heard our pleas. Now we need to pray for the ppl on the coast. they will be cleaning up there lives for a while. Sitting here in the candle light listening to the radio it all seems so surreal. Did this rally happen today? Was it all a dream?how long is life going to be this way? I just heard that in rural areas it could be 3 wks til they get power. the whole city is black, most of the state. Over 50 deaths in one county alone. the roads are disasters, trees and power lines all over the place.
But God has been gracious to us today. We haven't been hurt, we have been with friends, and we have had a good day. hopefully life will be back to normal in a day or so, but I don't know if life will ever be back to normal again. 700,000 ppl are without power. that is alot of ppl. some ppl aren't going to be able to stay in their homes without power. and tomorrow the sun is going to come out, and it will be hot. Almost the entire state has been wrecked, and we are under a cerfew til 8am. nothing will be known til then.

there is more, but I can't type it right now. it will be coming soon.

overwhelmed

still no time to post hurricane thoughts, but they are written down and will be coming at some point in the future. at this point more ppl in the Jackson metro area don't have power than do. went down to the red cross and signed up to volunteer today. they need lots of help. more shelters still opening up. they are saying ppl could be in shelters for months. it is going to be a long time before things are normal.
DONATE time, moeny, blood... whatever you can do, do it.

the past few days....

well, the hurricane-ness is over now, and I have lots to say, unfortunatly it is late at night and I am exhausted. so soon I will let you all in on the wonderful thoughts that flooded my mind as katrina wreaked her havoc on my wonderful state. for now you will have to be satisfied with knowing I am alive and I have power. goodnight

LOL

Tonight was fun and refreshing. we went to the welcome week concert at MC. this is the second year in a row that I really wanted to go, wasn't going to, and then at the last minute ended up finding a way to go. all that aside it was fun. It was Hawk Nelson and Matthew West. it was me, roo, and koko. it was full of silliness and funny sayings. I love your converse and Earl the girl to name a couple. over all it was a much needed break from the norm. it made me giggle alot too.

oh and by the way I am still not telling the secret so you still have time to guess what it is. and remember that the winner (if there is one) will get something cool from me. so if you read the guess already. I have only had a couple ppl guess. it doesn't even have to be a good guess just anything.

on that note.

Peace out girl scout. And don't forget to eat your carrots!

so ppl don't like the fact that my last post was really vauge, but let me explain. this news I have may be no news at all. It could just be me dreaming up things in my head and it might not ever happen, so I am going to wait to talk about it until I know for sure what is going on (this should be a couple weeks at the most)

But I have come up with a fun way to pass the time until the secret is revealed. you can all guess what it is!!! the first person with the right guess will get a cool suprise once I reveal the secret. how is that for fun. okay, so start guessing now (and by the way I am not going to tell you if you are right or not until I reveal the secret so don't ask.) You can guess that there is no secret at all, and maybe you will be right, but you will have to wait a little bit to find out.
have fun!!!

I thought I might post something today, but I have since changed my mind. all that I can say now is that there might be some big news in a few weeks, or I might just be crazy. yeah, that is all I can say right now.

Church?

So today at some point I came to the conclusion that it isn't church that I don't like, it is the ppl. then I quickly realized the problem with that, church isn't a place it IS the ppl. UGH!!!! now I am back right where I started again. I know that whenever ppl are involved things are going to get messed up. but the thing I don't like it the lying, sneaky, underhanded, backstabbing ppl. I hate all the polotics, and how ppl think that leadership=power. The more I think about the more it hurts and the more I don't want to get into it all again. But also I know that I can't not get involved in church somewhere. I just don't know what to do or how to go about doing it.

Hurt....

I guess I just didn't realize how hurt I was by it all until tonight. all the things that have gone on in the past 5 or so months. They took away the one thing I loved most. It is getting better now. At first I couldn't even go into a church without being angry; mostly I was angry at church in general, and God for allowing it to happen the way it did. That was where I found a huge part of myself. We sacrificed so much to be here, and just because we didn't fit thier mold we weren't listened to or takend seriously. that wasn't just our church that was a huge part of our lives. it hurts alot, even more-so now that we are getting into another church. it is tough. I am afraid of it all happening again. I still need time. I can't just pour my entire life into this so quickly. I think this is a good place for the healing to start though. and there are other things that I am working on, things that are going to allow me to get away from everything to think it all over. something where I can just sit at the feet of God for a little while and let Him pour out His love on me. that is what I need right now. it is all going to be a long hard process, but I am sure that eventually it will hurt less.

GONE....

My great-grandmother died. she was 103. anyway that means my weekend will be busy with the funeral. I will be out of town from Friday til Saturday, but I may not be around again until sometime Sunday or maybe even monday. as Sunday will be another significant day in my life. (if you wanna know why ask, I just might tell you) I need to do alot of laundry tomorrow. ugh. I want to talk to someone. but not just any someone. a certain someone. someone that I miss. oh well. I doubt I will for a while. I miss alot of ppl right now. well, I think I am gone.

the weekend was good. it was mellow, but I needed it. roo and I went out to eat Sat night and then hung out at m and t's house. I saw my dad. and today was a nice Sabbath day. there were a couple of bizzare moments, but it was FUN. tomorrow I will be swimming at the Rez with some teenage girls and my little ppl. it should be fun. one more week til the 5 yr. mark.

breathing is good.

I feel good right now, I am really content. life is starting to look up. soon there will be new poetry here. so that means you should go catch up if you missed anything. Something good is in the works.

25 Years....

Yep I have been alive for 25 years now. i can remember when I didn't want to live past 16 or 18, man the things I would have missed out on. Today not much will be happening. just hanging out at the house for a while. Dad will be coming to see me sometime. Roo and I might do something tonight, but we will have to take the little ppl with us. not too eventful of a birthday. but thanks to some GREAT friends, I had a ton of birthday wishes in my inbox this morning, it made my day. now, I am off to make the house look decent.

ok so I missed a day an now it is my birthday. I will blog again later about the fact that it is my birthday but for now more interesting facts about 1980:

here are some random costs of things and such:
Federal debt: $909.1 billion
Median Household Income
(current dollars): $17,710
Unemployment: 7.1%
Cost of a gallon of regular gas: $1.25
Cost of a gallon of Milk: $2.16
Cost of a first-class stamp: $0.15

America's Top 10 TV Favorites:
1)Dallas
2)60 Minutes
3)The Dukes of Hazzard
4)Private Benjamin
5)M*A*S*H
6)The Love Boat
7)The NBC Tuesday Night Movie
8)House Calls
9)The Jeffersons
10)Little House on the Prairie
11)The Two of Us
12)Alice
13)Real People
14)Three's Company
15)The NBC Movie of the Week
16)One Day at a Time
17)Too Close for Comfort
18)Magnum P.I.
19)Diff'rent Strokes
20)NFL Monday Night Football

THE EMMY'S of 1980
Drama:
Best Drama -Hill Street Blues (NBC)
Best Actor -Daniel J. Travanti, Hill Street Blues
Best Actress -Barbara Babcock, Hill Street Blues: “Fecund Hand Rose”
Supporting Actor -Michael Conrad, Hill Street Blues
Supporting Actress -Nancy Marchand, Lou Grant

COMEDY:
Best Comedy -Taxi (ABC)
Best Actor -Judd Hirsch, Taxi
Best Actress -Isabel Sanford, The Jeffersons
Supporting Actor -Danny DeVito, Taxi
Supporting Actress -Eileen Brennan, Private Benjamin
Best Variety-Lily: Sold Out (CBS)

Other Randon facts about 1980:
Rubik's Cube Popular

'ghetto-blaster' is included in the English dictionary for the first time

Dutch company Philips launch 'Compact Disc'



So this will end out history lesson for the year. I hope that you all feel like you have learned something from this, and I hope that I didn't make anyone feel too old.

So what will I do for my birthday? I don't know. I will sleep in a little while, but after that I am unsure. My father is coming to see me at some point (that should be lots of fun.) and I really need to do some laundry, give the dog a bath, and clean house a bit. Hubby has to work so I won't be doing alot that involes going without kids, and I really have alot to do around the house, so I will probably do all that once I wake up, and then I will do fun stuff like shopping on Sunday. that really does sound like a good plan doesn't it.

today's history lesson.

okay today we are going to remember all those GREAT movies from 1980. unlike the music portion I have heard of most of these movies and even seen some of them...

Top movie money makers in 1980:
The Empire Strikes Back $290,268,568
Superman II $108,185,706
9 To 5 $103,290,500
Stir Crazy $101,300,000
Airplane! $83,400,000

other new movies in 1980:
Breaker Morant
Caddyshack
Coal Miner's Daughter
Flash Gordon
Friday the 13th
Gloria
Herbie Goes Bananas
Mad Max
Ordinary People
Private Benjamin
Raging Bull
Stardust Memories
The Blue Lagoon
The Shining
Urban Cowboy


Best Actress: Sissy Spacek: Coal Miner's Daughter
Best Director: Robert Redford: Ordinary People
Best Picture: Ronald L. Schwary: Ordinary People
Best Actor: Robert De Niro: Raging Bull
Best Supporting Actor: Timothy Hutton: Ordinary People
Best Supporting Actress: Mary Steenburgen: Melvin and Howard


so there you have it... stay tuned for another exciting edition of 1980 (I promise it will be over soon)

Time for another installment of 1980

so for today's very informative blog on the year I was born I think we will talk about popular music during 1980 (sorry to all those that are older than me that this is making feel really old, it will only last a week, I promise)

the Billboard top 10 for 1980:
1.Call Me-Blondie
2. Fame- Irene Cara
3. Working My Way Back To You- Spinners
4. Funkytown- Lips Inc.
5. Little Jeannie- Elton John
6. Upside Down- Diana Ross
7. He's So Shy- Pointer Sisters
8. Please Don't Go- KC&The Sunshine Band
9. Do That To Me One More Time- Catain & Tennille
10. Take Your Time (Do It Right) Part 1- The S.O.S Band

Top Albums of 1980
Against the Wind- Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Damn the Torpedoes- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Eat to the Beat- Blondie
Glass House- Billy Joel
In the Heat of the Night- Pat Benatar
Off the Wall- Michael Jackson
The Wall- Pink Floyd

Grammy's
Album of the year: Christopher Cross, Christopher Cross
Best New Artist: Christopher Cross
Best Pop Duo or Group: "Guilty" Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
Bset Pop Female vocal: "The Rose" Bette Midler
Best Pop Male Vocal: "This Is It" Kenny Loggins
Best Rock Duo or Group: Against the Wind, Bob Seger and the Silver Bulet Band
Best Rock Female Vocal: Crimes of Passion, Pat Benatar
Best Rock Male Vocal: Glass House, Billy Joel
Record of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross
Song of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross


There you have it. Stay tuned for more useless facts about 1980 to make you feel really old...

the year of Dallas....

WARNING: this could possiblly be the most educational blog I have ever written. Please proceed with caution.

so my birthday is on Saturday. I will be a quater of a century old (25 for all of you that are a little slow) that means I was born in 1980, "The year of Dallas" according to some random website. I have decided to blog lots of important things that happened in 1980 this week (ok today could be the only day I do it, but I really am going to try)
so today's facts from 1980:

1.Summer Olympics in Moscow, USSR, The US boycotts

2.Post-It Notes are introduced by 3-M (this may be part of the reason for my addiction to the darn sticky notes. I love these things)

3.The first all news service started by Turner Cable Network begins

4.John Lennon is assassinated by Mark David Chapman

5.Who Shot JR? is talked about heavily from the TV show Dallas. On November 21, the conclusion draws more viewers than any other show in TV history up to that po

6.Brook Shields whispers, "You know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." the ad was banned.

7.Ronald Reagan is elected, defeating Jimmy Carter, and takes credit for freeing the Iranian hostages in his innaugural speech.

8.RU-486, the abortion pill is released in France.

9.The US Supreme Court allows patents on living organisms.

10. Mt. Saint Helens erupts, killing 60 people.

11. CNN is launched as the first all news network (oh joy. how did ppl ever live without CNN)

12.Richard Pryor gets badly burned trying to freebase cocaine.

13.Small pox is considered eradicated by the World Health Orginization.

14.Sadam Hussein launches war against Iran for close to a decade over oil rights.

15.Bill Gates licenses MS-DOS to IBM, makes next to nothing on the deal. The pair buys the rights to a simple operating system manufactured by Seattle Computer Products and use it as a template. The money is made later from licensing it to third party clone makers

16.Genetic Engineering of insulin began clinical trials.

17.US suspends grain sales to the Soviet Union in respond to their support of the war in Afghanistan.

18.President Carter attempted a helicopter rescue of the hostages in Iran, failing miserably.

19.US hockey team beat Russia for the gold in the Winter Olympics.

there are pictures from Friday night.... but if you want to see them you must email me and I will decided if you are worthy enough to see some, or all, of them....

I was thinking about posting something, but then I realized that it wasn't very important. so this is my update. I have nothing important to say. lots going on in my head, but it is stuck in there for now... maybe one day soon it will come out...

Let there be pictures

ok so instead of posting every single picture from the party I just put them in my webshots thing and I am posting a link. so here is the link Enjoy!
by the way they are the one's that say Roo's party...

IT....

*the it I am refering to in this post is very sepific, but I am not going to name it. some of you may know what it is but most of you don't and won't. if you would like to speculate you may, but don't do it in my comments please because I am not going to say what it is....

I've thought alot about it lately. Just thinking about doing it again makes me want to do it. I know that I have so little to gain from it, but there was a time when it was my life, and I have missed that time alot lately. things have just sucked pretty much. don't get me wrong, every second of every day hasn't sucked, but the over all feeling at the end of the day is one of major suckiness. so it has been on my mind alot lately. good thing I have at least a small amount of will power... I feel really alone right now. work has consumed him. and the boys aren't here. something about a tire falling off of corey's car... didn't seem much like anyone else wanted to hang out, so I just came home. now would be a good time to do it. I'm bored and feel alone and somewhat unloved. doing it would be nice, but it would cause lots of problems.... blah...

party

party at roo's house, Friday night. for all who need to know where she lives, come to my house and follow me or we can pack into the van.... bring pillows and blankets, as you will not be leaving Friday night. that is just how this works.....it is gonna rock!

I am still alive, but no longer working. but it will be okay. creepy things happened so I quit. this week I am trying to catch up with ppl and get my life back. it seems to be working ok. lots to think about, lots of things to figure out. but all will be good.

Am I invisible?

I feel like I am invisible. I feel like no one knows I am here. the boys have been here for a few days now, and it seems like I have stopped exsisting around here. And it isn't because I haven't tried to spend time with my husband. I really want to spend time with him, but when he is home the boys are hear and he doesn't seem to know I am alive anymore. He cooked supper tonight. I went for a drive right as he was starting it. I got home and it all smelled to good, but didn't look done yet so I went to lay down. when I came back out to the kitchen I asked if they had eaten already and he said yes. then I asked if there was anything left and he said no. so I guess it doesn't matter that I haven't eaten anything and I have to work tonight. none of that matters. all that matters is that he has fun. it doesn't matter that I want to feel loved, or that I need him. all that matters is that he is happy. it doesn't matter how much I hate this situation, or the fact that I never see my husband. oh well, I "only" have to do it until Sept, not for a whole year. unfortunatly I am already burnt out and hurting, and I don't know if I can take this for another couple of months even.....

today

it was fun. we went sight seeing Jackson, yeah it didn't take very long. we hung out for a while. now the boys and some of their friends are over. I don't mind, it was my idea, but the problem is that I don't get to spend any time with my husband. The boys have seen him more than I have. I love the boys really I do, but I would really like to see my husband, and spend time with him. I feel so unloved right now. I know he loves me but I just don't feel very loved right now. I feel like crap. I just feel so alone, even though there are so many ppl.

busy...

this weekend is going to be busy. the boys will be here this evening sometime (according to A who called right after lunch), Sat Mrs. L, K, H and Granny will be moving back. I have to work tonight, tomrrow, and Sat. but I will be off Sun and mon. Tim has to go into work really early Sun, but that means he should be off early too. lots going on... and I have to sleep at some point

today has sucked. I can't work and be a good mom. there is just no way. but then when I don't work ppl say I am lazy. I would like to see you do it. I would like to see you take care of 2 small kids, and run an entire house. I would also like to see you do what I am doing now. Take care of 2 kids, run a house, and work 8 hours a day. see how long you last. oh and you can't put the kids in daycare if you really want to understand my situation. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like crap all the time. at least I have tomorrow off. I hate all of this. I never see my husband, I am always cranky, and I cry all the time. this isn't me. this isn't who I am. this isn't who I want to be. only a year, what the fuck!! a year is a long time. it is almost forever in the lives of my kids. I have lost touch with all my friends. I never see anyone, and I feel so disconnected from everything. I hate this! I HATE this!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is one solution, it will suck but I will do it. I will do all the things I am expected to do as a wife and mother, and I will work, and soon, I will collapse from exhaustion. there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. but I will.

please tell me you will come visit me in the hospital...