Love....

lots of talk about love lately. i have been hanging out with a cool group of ppl on wed. nights and we have been talking about 1 & 2 john, and this week we will do 3 john, and it is largely about love. god's love for us, and our love for each other. I have a really hard time figuring out what love looks like. I mean, it seems simple, the whole "if someone is hungry feed them, if someone is thirsty give them a drink" thing. But how do we love ppl who don't have physical needs, and how do we love ppl when everything in us disagrees with what they are doing. it is easy to love ppl we approve of.
I haven't had alot of good examples of love in my life. Love has always felt like something i had to gain by doing something, acting a certain way, following the rules. Only just recently do i feel like i have really experienced love without conditions, and it is hard for me to grasp that i will continue to be loved even when my life is shitty.

I guess i just struggle with love on alot of levels. I desire so greatly to feel loved, to know i am loved, but so often i refuse to allow ppl to love me. I don't really know how to fix that right now.

SEX GOD

Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality And Spirituality by Rob Bell

i stumbled across a sample from this new book of rob's that won't be out til march. I don't know if i can wait til march to read it. the sample was the fist chapter (or part of it?) and it was amazing. a couple things that i REALLY needed to hear today....

And that’s Jesus’ point with the “gouge out your eye” teaching. His point isn’t
that you should mutilate your body if you find yourself lusting after someone.
His point is that something serious – sometimes hellish – happens when
people are treated as objects, and we should resist it at all costs.
-wow, yeah. there is alot of living proof as to how very true this is.

When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are
treated as less than human, these actions are actions against God. Because
how you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.
-i don't know that i have ever REALLY thought about it like this before.


so yeah, i really can't wait til this book is released in march. Velvet Elvis was marvelous, but this new book... it is coming at a time in my life where I really desire to heal from alot of the hurt that has happened. one review says
Sex God is about relationships revealed in a way that elevates the human condition and offers hope to those whose relationships are wounded.

um yeah...can't wait to read the whole book....

life is still really painful in my little section of the world... it's hard to be around ppl right now, especially alot of ppl. as of right now I have had no real human interaction since saturday night, and I think i am ok with that. Saturday was really overwhelming, I think I am still recovering from it, and my bed is the only place that feels safe enough to deal with all of this..... ugh... i know this isn't good but this is all i have right now...

overwhelmed

being in public is overwhelming.... it has alot to do with the fact that I 'know' alot of ppl, but in reality i don't know these ppl all that well, and they don't know me all that well. really, they are just acquaintances. The problem is they think they know me well enough to be my friend. they think they know me well enough to come up and hug me. when in reality, i only liked to be touch by safe ppl; ppl I trust with my life. There aren't many ppl like that in my life right now. all the hugging and touching makes me tense. I don't like it. I need to be seen and known before you start touching me. That takes more than just seeing me around. it takes alot more.

today I really have tried to be productive.. I haven't taken a nap all day (the first day in a while) i've been out of bed most of the day... but i still feel like I have accomplished nothing. i made a bunch of fruitless phone calls, got in touch with my lawyer, and now i am making soup. so the soup is the most productive thing all day, at least hopefully it will be. i feel like no matter how hard I try it just isn't enough. nothing i do is ever enough........

i think my life would be easier right now if i didn't believe in god.

i was talking to my friend and she said I cand be one of 2 ppl at this point. both are ppl that come from stories so I will tell both stories...

the first is sad.... a friend of my friends is a something (dean maybe) at a college in CA. a student just transfered there this semester (a couple weeks ago) and was excited to be there, it was his dream come true. last Thursday night, he was hanging out with some other students watching The Office, during a commercial they were chatting the guys leaned back in his chair, feel, broke his neck and died instantly.

the second story is hopeful, but scary... a 5 yr old boy woke up, opened a window, and stumbled out onto the fire escape. he ended up falling and grabbing onto the edge. he was dangling 5 stories in the air, hanging on to the edge of a the fire escape. 2 guys saw him and got underneath him and when the kid finally let go they caught him. he was unharmed except for a few scratches.

so I could be the person that dies suddenly and senselessly, or I could be the person who gets saved by seemingly random passers-by... I don't think god is kind enough to let me die, even a senseless death. but right now I feel like I am hanging from the fire escape and about to fall, but i' m just not sure there is anyone that is going to be there to catch me...... is there another option? isn't there something else?

I can't do this (again)

Life sucks. feels like the whole ilk thing all over again, but bigger. The milk thing... a few months ago i ran out of milk and didn't have any money to go buy more. it became a huge thing, I fell apart, and realized how not normal this life is. at this moment I do have milk... but there are other things i need, and I can't just go get them. i literally don't know how I am going to survive today, much less this whole week.
so where the hell is this good and merciful, loving god now? there are alot of ppl that believe you just have to 'be good' and 'do the right thing' so what is it that I'm not doing? Where the fuck are you god????

today was rough, I think I will be recovering from it for a while. reminders of the past were all too real again. nothing has been easy today. i haven't slept in over 30 hours... and it got fucking cold.

how long, oh lord?
how long will you forget me?
how long will you hid your face from me?
how long must i wrestle with my thoughts,
and every day have sorrow in my heart?

knitting

so, a couple months ago I took up knitting. I never thought I would get into it, but apperantly I was wrong... It is so freaking addictive. It is kinda therapeutic too. with the recent increase in free time in my life, I have been doing a couple different projects, one of them is a blanket. It feels like it is going to take forever to finish but I am ok with that right now. I'm making it for a friend and it is so much fun to work on. every time I pick it up I am flooded with memories of this friend, things we've done together, conversations we've had.... it's fun. When the blanket is finally done it will be so fun to see it. It will be so much more than just a blanket, it will contain our entire friendship, all the laughter and tears. It really reminds me that our lives are knitted together. not just mine and this friends, but all of our lives. I think it is cool. and as I make this blanket I occasionally pray for my friend, when I have the energy to do it. funny how praying can take so much energy....

7 musicals for 2007

ok so I was tagged. i think I am supposed to post my 7 favorite musicals for 2007, until recently I haven't been into musicals that much but there are some I wand to see so I will post those...

1. Rent (I have seen this one and I <3 it )
2. Chicago
3. West Side Story
4. Les Miserables
5. Ragtime
6. Hairspray
7. The Producers

so there ya go...

dreams....

so I've been having this dream for a few days now. every time I sleep, napping or at night, I have this fucking dream. maybe someone that reads my blog has the secret skill of interpreting dreams. if ya do let me know, seriously this is keeping me awake at night.... so the dream....

Pretty much what happens is that everyone I am connected to is physically attacking me. the attacks vary depending on the extent of the real life relationship I have with the person. However there is one person in this dream, someone I am connected to in real life, that isn't attacking me. In the dream, this person and I have a bizarre physically intimate relationship. This wouldn't be strange expect for the fact that this is someone that I would never have a physical relationship with.

all of this is driving me crazy, and the fact that all these ppl who are suppose to care about me are attacking me is scaring me. So anybody know anything about dreams? help me out here.....

It's weird how relationships change. i had always thought that change came slowly, especially in the case of positive change. and that you didn't notice it for a long time. This idea has been proved wrong though. sometime change, even good change, can happen rapidly leaving you wondering what the hell went on. this has happened on several occasions lately. It baffles me to no end, but I don't think I am gonna start complaining about it...

on a different note... Went to see Children of Men yesterday. It is an amazingly intense movie. it definitely evokes lots of emotion. I recommend seeing it, but not alone.Personally I wouldn't have wanted to see it with anyone other than the ppl I was with....

new year...

well, it's the new year, so I thought it would be a good time for a new post. the new year isn't being kind to me. it is day 4 of 2007 and day 4 of being sick. yay. no real resolutions this year, just gonna try to survive it, that might be tough. after looking back on 2006 and evaluating the relationships I had, lost, and/or acquired, there are alot of things I have realized about me. self-revelation, maybe it is a good thing, but it doesn't feel so great right now. hopefully I will have a new job, soon. should know about the job at DD tomorrow. after that planning more of life stuff will be underway, it will all depend on that job. i'm not really sure how january is gonna play out in my life. I mean, really, with what I worked at BS the past few weeks, it isn't gonna pay the bills, and being sick this week isn't helping at all. looks like this year is starting off by kicking my butt. Told a friend the other day that maybe this is god giving in, she didn't seem to think so. she wants things to be hopeful, but right now they just aren't at all.

so there ya have it, my happy new year's post. yay.

artmix... it's one of my favorite things about jackson, seriously..... but tonight it was a painful experience. I remember last december's artmix very well. and tonight was drastically different. the fact that this is the first artmix that I have ventured out to with the little ppl alone didn't help.but it felt like there was more going on that my 4 year-old throwing her signature tantrum in public. I saw tons of ppl I know and no one was very friendly. ppl were almost cold toward me. maybe it has to do with where I am right now. maybe I am just reading too much into a situation that truly is the same, only I am different. it's tough to be in this place right now. it's tough to be in any place right now. oh and if you were wondering, we left artmix after only 15 or so mins. I couldn't take the tantrum anymore, or the really negative feelings I was having. I think there are gonna be alot of places that I leave early from now on....

still thinking about how I equate ppl and their actions to God and his actions... not sure where this all started, or how to fix it. in reality I want ppl to be like god. I mean, if ppl were a true reflection of god then god would be way easier to understand, or at least it would be easier to grasp the fact that god is real. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or if any of this helps me any. it all seems so jumbled in my head right now.

I realized some things today.... I realized that I equate the physical presence of people (especially christians) in my life with the presence of god, and I equate how people respond and react to me with how god responds and reacts. now when ppl are abundantly present in my life and loving on me a ton then this isn't the worst thing. But at times, like right now, when ppl aren't very present, and the ppl that are present are responding in hurtful and negative ways, this becomes a vrey bad thing. I know that ppl aren't perfect, and that no one is going to be able to be present all the time (especially through alot of the shit going on in my life) and I know that god is perfect. but it is tough. I need tangible signs that he is in this with me. something to hold on to. I need him to make his presence known in a big way, and he just isn't that kind of god, at least not right now, for me. it sucks to be in this place, and it hurts more than I could ever explain...

The rules are:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest

so I have a whole stack of books next to me and the one I grabbed might be the nerdiest book I own.... but here it is
"Rosie and Nimrod rubbed their flanks.
Alyosha and Jean-Pierre have lost their luggage.

Singular antecedents joined by or or nor take a pronoun that's also singular.
Neither Nimbus nor Quercus will present his rosebud to the queen." -The Deluxe Transitive Vampire: the ultimate Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed by Karen gordon...

yep. I'm a geek

ok, so I have some hard decisions to make coming up. do I leave something I love so that I don't get hurt, or do I stay and risk not only being hurt but also becoming increadably jaded and more cynical, and possibly hurting other ppl? and if I do leave, how do I do it without bringing anyone else into it? just the thought of it all makes me cry. this past year I have lost so many relationships that I thought were good, but now realize they were hurting me. could this be another one of those cases? still the whole idea makes me sad....

watching ppl hurt...

i don't like to watch ppl hurt. I always want to do something about it. a friend of mine tells me that this is how most ppl feel, and that this is why there are very few ppl that can be around me right now. she says that no ones wants to see ppl hurt, and my pain is so intense and consistant right now that ppl don't know what to do with that or how to handle it, so it is easier for them not to be around it at all.
Anyways this post isn't about me hurting, it is about me seeing hurting ppl. this past week my life seems to have been flooded with hurting ppl. All those ppl have been hurting to varying degrees, and have been connected to me in varying ways. I have seen myself handling the hurt in a couple different ways. I either stand back and watch the hurt, completely confused and angry at how 'this' could happen to 'them' or I choose to enter into the hurt with them, with much the same result as just watching but the 'them' changes to 'us'.
I think the hardest part of this is that some of these ppl that I have seen hurting this week didn't just start hurting this week. they have spent a lifetime hurting, and I just have to ask 'why?' I've heard and said all the "right" answers to this question, but it still doesn't make sense to me. why is it that some ppl continue to have painful things happen to them, almost daily, for their entire lives.

All this brings me right back to the place where I ask "if god really was good and all-powerful why would he allow these things?"

so maybe this does have soemthing to do with me, but it isn't just me. and somehow that doesn't make it any easier.

thanksgiving

So tomorrow is thanksgiving. Looking back over the past year of my life I do see a few things to be thankful for, but right now I don't feel very thankful (does that make me ungrateful?) I guess alot of it has to do with the fact that it has been an icky kinda day. worked my butt off @ broad st. I don't recommend it to anyone. and the little ppl have been absolute demon children tonight (but I love my demons) I'm just wiped. tomorrow will be a day for new traditions. it will be fun. we will be watching the parade, because I do love that tradition. and then we will get to have thanksgiving with some pretty great ppl. i can't wait really. I am kinda sad that I won't be with my family, but I really think it just wasn't meant to be. too much working against me this year.

tomorrow I meet with the lawyer. I actually talked to her today. I'm tired and cold. I want some soup. blah.

so some ppl have been asking what they can do to help me. As the holidays rapidly approach (thanksgiving is next week!) I have come up with something VERY practical that ppl can do. I made a wishlist over at amazon for me and the girls. it's just to give ppl an idea of what we like/want/need. so there it is, if ya wanna do something, if not, ok.
edit: the link is fixed

today i hate ppl, especially christians..... I believe that what I am doing is the right thing, but this week it doesn't feel so right... fuck...

I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking that this is the worst thing I have ever done. It is easy to make myself believe that things will be better when it is just me that is hurting. but it isn't just me. The girls now realize this is a permanent situation. tonight they hated me because we don't live with daddy anymore. they want to live with daddy. they don't want anything to do with me. now I am here, sitting in the silence, trying to figure out what the hell I could have done to make my marriage work so they wouldn't have to go through this, so I wouldn't have to go through this. I can't keep doing this. and everything is so not ok. I feel like I have been crawling over glass for the past 7 months and every time I get to a place where I am out of the glass and the cuts are starting to heal I have to crawl through it again. I have too many wounds already, too many scars. and it seems like when I am hurting the most people don't want to be around me, but that is when I need them the most. I just wish someone would sit and hold me and allow me to cry. I don't get that though. instead I get a bunch of ppl that try to minimalize things.

It's pretty amazing how insecurities and low self-esteem can creep up on you and smack you in the face, leaving you laying in the ground hurt and alone. tonight is one of those times. I feel like she would have done anything to not have to sit there with me. I know that in reality this isn't true, but in my mind it is. in my mind no one wants to be around me. no one cares. part of me knows this isn't true (or at least that ppl will say it isn't) but right now it feels true. I just don't want to feel so unloved anymore. and I don't want to feel like everyone really has some secret agenda. i know she loves me, but then there is that part of me that feels like if she knew what I really thought and do she would not be my friend, she wouldn't even like me. I know she says /i'm wrong, but i can't bring myself to talk about it. maybe it is because admitting it might make me the crazy one

i'm depressed. (who didn't know that) and it feels like it is never going to end. i feel alone (even though I keep being told I'm not) i feel like I can't keep doing this. i've gotten to the point where I feel like I am just over-reacting. like maybe none of this is really what I am making it.


silence
lingering in every corner
penetrating my soul
and leaving me hopeless

random thoughts traped in my head

- I am sad that i won't be in Charlotte in a few weeks, I'm sure everyone in my life will get sick of hearing this, sorry. I was so looking forward to it, and now, I have lost all hope of being there. I will cry about it, and eventually I will get over it. it is pretty interesting how my motives for going have changed, and now I want to go more than before, because I want to be apart of it, not because of him....
- bleeding takes alot less energy than it used to. not such a great thing but it is ture. it also take alot less (almost no) conscious thought. these things scare me, but right now I have no desire to change them
- christmas is approaching way too rapidly. I don't like this at all, but there is nothing I can do about it. I like that even less.
- i am very sad right now and i'm just not so sure why. I mean, yes, I am sur there are a thousand reasons for me to be sad, none of them seem to fit right now though. just overwhelming sadness, and no one around to share it with (i'm sure your glad you aren't around right now.)
- I really need to reconnect with certain ppl. they are good for me. i miss them. I will work on that

I'm sure things aren't like I see them, but the way I see them is all I have right now. ppl want to know what they can do to be helpful, I tell them, and then the avoid me. yeah that's not so helpful. I think my circle of friends is in desperate need of some trimming. I think there are just too many ppl to keep up to date on my life. that takes too much energy most days, especially when I know that those ppl aren't going to be around for the long haul anyway. they will get tired, or bored, and find something else to do with their time. I'm tired oflosing friends because my life is too difficult for them to deal with. and I am tired of hearing "well, if they were real friends it wouldn't matter how hard things are" that's a lie. if I could I wouldn't be around me right now either. I understand the 'why' of ppl not being able to handle it, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

blah, blah, blah

I really wish there were something someone could do. At this point, though, there is nothing. it is now Nov. where the heck has this year gone? I hate all this. and I don't get anything else.

the more time that passes, the worse things get...

The title line has little to do with the current mess I find my self in the middle of. well, ok it does have something to do with it because everything has something to do with it, but in recent days I've become painfully aware of how huge a part of my present my past is. small things, my attitude toward people, and how I interact in everyday life. All of it has so much to do with all the things that happened to me-- things I did to myself, and things others did. thing I never allowed myself to heal from. and now all those wounds have started to open again. All that pain is new and real. how can things that happened half a lifetime ago still have so much power over me, such an effect on who I am and how I live? and how can it still hurt so much, all made new by stupid things. I thought I was done with this. I guess things like this are things you are never really done with though.

Today
has lasted
far too long
I need to let go
or at least hold
it more loosely
and you know
just how hard that is
but I'm too tired
to continue
grasping for things
I can not reach
and clinging to things
that were never mine



today's been tough. this week will be tough. I don't like this, not one bit....

I need a hug

I'm tired of life hurting so much, and I'm tired of needing things no one can give me. I wonder if this situation is happening the way it is because of other situaions, and I now that that has to have something to do with it. I'm tired of being so alone no matter where I am or who I am with. and I am tired of being forgotten because I'm not in anyone elses physical space. just because I have my own place doesn't mean I don't need to know ppl love me. I hate this

Wow, I've been doing alot thinking about my life. the past year has been insane. This time last yr I would have never believed anyone if they told me this is where I would be now. most days I still don't believe this is where I am (yep I like to live in an altered reality) Just know that this is all still very new to me. I'm gonna screw up alot, and I'm gonna need alot of help. if you can't handle that, maybe now isn't the best time to be my friend. Also I'm gonna have alot od questions, and I'm gonna be angry alot. but today, I really do believe that this is gonna be over one day, and life is going to be better. no promises about what I will believe tomorrow. but I have some really great ppl believing for me consistantly. so that is good

a few months back a friend of mine sent me an article called "A Second Look" by Ronna J. Miller. it is a look at the story of the Samaritan women at the well and her encounter with Jesus. it is an amazing article that says alot about women. when I get some time I think I am gonna type up some of my thoughts here. for now this qiote from the article stuck out to me, especially in my current situation.

"More often than not, even one divorce could leave a woman discarded like trash, homeless, without resources or support. But for some reason, men continue to pursue her. She continues to survive. Yes, she is provocative, amazing, and even secretly admired by men and women."

-- all I could think when I read that was that I want that to be said of me. I want to contunue to survie, I want to be pursued. I want to be provocative and amazing! but I feel alot more like trash, worthless, and unloveable.

today was almost normal. other than being exhausted nothing traumatic happened, and there were even some good things. tonight reaffirmed my thoughts that I need a ladies only small group. and I got to have a good conversation with someone, it was much needed even if it didn't resolve anything... I hope that I get to go on "vacation" at the end of Nov. but I just don't see it happening. I won't have the money, and I just really don't see me being able to do it. it makes me sad to know that I will miss NYWC this year. it has been my retreat, my time to get away and refocus. even though I'm not doing youth ministry right now I know it is what I am supposed to do. and being with all those other ppl that share that passion is just a great time. not to mention getting to see my buddies, and have face time. it just makes me so sad that I don't get that this year. eveyone keeps telling me not to give up hope, something could work out and I could still go. I just don't see it happening, unless I run across a money tree. if any of you find one let me know though. I think more than anything I was hoping to go so I could get away for a little bit and relax, but relaxing just doesn't seem to bein my game plan right now. too much going on.

and I have a problem. there are a couple ppl in my life right now that are just not very helpful. it isn't their fault, I think they just don't understand. they want to be encouraging, but it comes across as arrogance, and it is just hurtful. it adds to the guilt and shame that I already have. I know the best thing is let them know that I hear what they are saying but I'm just not in a place where that is my reality. but that is alot easier said than done. right now it all just makes me angry. I recognize that very few ppl are going to be able to understand my pain and my reality right now, but I just wish the ppl that really can't understand it wouldn't try to pretend they do. is that too much to ask.

here is something I wrote a few days ago that might help...

I need you to...
...listen when I talk, and recognize that when I don't say anything that I am still hurting, but I just can't find any words to explain it.
...be ok with me venting and whining and being angry for what may seem like no good reason
...call me, just to say 'hi', I found out this week how much that really can chnage things
...not be convinced so easily that I am ok when I say I'm ok, most of the time that is just the easy thing to say, and what I think you want to hear
...sit with me while I cry. most of the people I cry with right now can't be physically present in my life right now, it would be nice to know that there are people locally that I can cry with.

I know that doesn't help alot. I know ppl want to know what they can physically do but really, I don't know. I mean-- food taken care of. got clothes, and a place to live. when I run across something I need I will let ya know, but really, I need emotional support more than anything. I feel like most of my really good friends are far away (either physically distant or just dealing with their own shit so they need space too) maybe that is hard to understand too though....

today was good. some people were Jesus to me in pratical ways, which is really how Jesus was, right? I think I forget that so much because most be try to be Jesus to us by talking our ears off about how good god is, and how we should just trust god. but wwhen Jesus helped ppl is was pratical. someone was blind-- he gave them sight; someone was hungry-- he fed them. he very rarely went around preaching to people who were in need, he met the need, and then sometimes he 'preached' and sometimes he didn't. so where do we get off going up to hurting needy ppl trying to convince ppl that god loves them and is a good god with helping them? so yeah... just some thoughts....

small group and other random thoughts

so the way we do small groups at our church is done to follow the school calander, we do a semester at a time. this semester has been difficult for me. not real sure why (ok maybe that is a lie, but that's another story for another post) The thing is I just can't find a place that I really feel like I connect with ppl and the little ppl aren't causeing me stress. so I have been going back and forth, not really having a small group 'home' so to speak. this adds to tension that already exists in my life, and makes me feel even more alone. is there no safe place? anyway, tonight is small group night and I plan on going to a small group (even though I am exhausted and close to the end of myself) because I really need a forum to discuss some stuff going on and try to figure out how to live some things that only seem like theories right now. unfortunatly this conversation could come across as me just being pissed (Yep that is where I tend to find myself alot these days) or trying to start trouble. so the decision about which small group to go to has to be made very carefully. and as I sit here it occurs to me that maybe this shouldn't be this hard. maybe I just over anylize things too much, and I am making something out of nothing. all this could be ture, but it feels important.
All that on top of the fact that I feel like a really big failure right now. it's all just confusing and it hurts alot

so I've decided that I am just going to give up... pretending that is. I'm just going to sit and be pissed off at god for a while. I've been told this is ok, that god can handle it, and that there are enough ppl that are believing in god's grace ans mercy for me right now. so, on the advice of my great friends here I am, sitting, being pissed off. it doesn't change much, and it doesn't feel alot better than pretending to be ok when in reality I'm pissed off. but this is where I am right now...

sometimes emotions get the best of me and I just have to sit and cry. This weekend has been a fun weekend with lots of good connections and re-connections with ppl. nothing very emotionally charged. but today, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it is all the emotions I should have been feeling during the weekend. I realized that not only was the weekend not emotionally charged, I was pretty emotionally void. until today. since friday afternoon there have been several random events that should have had strong emotions attatched (should because we are humans and emotional beings, not should have because I am an emotional wreck and everything has strong emotions attatched) but at the time each of these events just felt like something to pass the time until the next thing happened. Today all those emotions bombarded me and I found myself crying until there were no more tears, feeling exteremely loves and hated, angry, hurt, and cared for all at the same time. that can make a person think they are crazy ya know. and just when I thought it was all over I got a visit from a friend and it was all brought back to the surface again, but this time there was someone to feel all that with me, and to tell me I wasn't crazy and that I am going to make it through this, somehow... I just wish I knew how....

Freinds. The enter our lives unannounced, and then they re-enter randomly. The way they trickle in and through our lives is so cool. -terry esau

I came across this quote this week. It stood out to me because of all the people that have filtered in and out of my life recently. since I came across this quote I have seen it played out many times in my life. lots of old friends have randomly re-entered my life. I like the way that happens when we need it most. It feels like a big hug when you feel alone. I love my friends, the old ones and the new ones. today has been a day full of friends, and I think it is just gonna keep going for a little while....

something big is going on. something possibly really big. it will still be a long while before anything comes of it, but it is a big thing, so I thought you should know about it....

So it is a big big week. today I go for orientation at my new job!!! tomorrow I move into my apartment! I have to get SL registered from school here, get day care taken care of... holy crap! lots to do this week. then this weekend I will be "away" for a day or so and celebrating my bday!!!! lots of big stuff this week. hopefully things will settle down soon....

I feel the need to say things, most of which should not be put on the world wide web for all of the world to read. so I will refrain for now. just know that life is still going, even though some days I wish to God it would stop. this weekend is busy, and I have some of the greatest friends on earth, even though I forget to acknowledge it most of the time.

Life's still crazy, very little stability. Still kinda lonely too. I am working on it though

Lots has happened. I now have my own space, and it is good. still working on the job thing, but soon....

Six weeks ago....

Six weeks ago
today
my life was broken
into a million pieces
and I stood alone in the wreckage
I was left
to pick up the pieces
and put them
back together again
only when they were back together
there were still holes
missing pieces
that I wonder
if ever existed
to begin with
And here I am
now six weeks later
still clinging to
the brokenness
and the fragments
that I was able to salvage.

That's right this whole ordeal has been going on for 6 weeks (well really it has been longer than that, but 6 weeks ago is a good place to start the timetable) To me it seems like it has been 6 years, or maybe 6 lifetimes. to most ppl it seems like it all just started yesterday, and to some ppl it seems nothing has changed at all...
Today was hard, maybe not so much because it made 6 full weeks, but just because I realized how little I had accomplished, and I feel like I am in the same place I was 5 years ago. I feel pretty alone and disconnected right now. nothing seems to help much. conversations never last long enough, and ppl are too far away...

there is a strong possibility that i could be divorced before my birthday.... I don't know how I really feel about that. Lots going on in my head right now. It is really easy to believe that everyone else's lives will work out, but it is really hard to believe that for me. I guess there are alot of things like that. things that I can see as true for other ppl, but i just can't recognize them as true for me. I guess that is one reason it is so important to be connected to ppl right now. We can hold on to truth for each other, until we can claim the truth for ourselves.

here it is 7pm and I haven't been out of my pj's all day. didn't get much accomplished that I had wanted to, even though most of it wasn't stuff that would be noticed by many ppl anyway. soon the little ppl will be in bed and I will have some time think and hopefully connect with some ppl. I really feel like I need to be connected right now, and I feel pretty disconnected.

I was thinking about how Jesus interacted with sinner during his life. With sinners he was never pushy or rude, so why is it that the church thinks they have a right to be pushy and rude? why is it that we can't learn from Jesus and be tender and gentle with sinners, after all they are the ones that need it most. we tend to do just the opposite of what Jesus did. We beat up sinners and we gentle with religious ppl... that just doesn't sit well with me. Thankfully I am not in a church that likes to beat up sinners, but I know alot of ppl that are or have been. Those ppl have consumed my thoughts today. I hope they find a church (or even just a random group of ppl) that is willing to be Jesus to them, because that is when healing will begin.

ok so right now I think I am on somewhat of a bloging binge. not a bad thing I guess, but there isn't anything all that important to write about.... it's memorial day, and most of the ppl I know (or at least care to associate with) are out of town :( M is in town, she came over last night and we had some wine and chatted for a bit. It was a nice break from the physical aloneness I had been feeling. The little ppl are good, but not the best at listening, and the long distance friends are amazing but there is always the knowledge that they aren't close enough to touch. I think one of the hardest things about physical lonliness is that you don't get to touch ppl. There isn't anyone to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you will get through this. I have ppl telling me that I will get through this, but it feels more promising when it is accompanied by a hug.
Last night M and I talked about asking for what we need. I don't think I do that very well. The ppl around me have been/are great about helping me out, and making sure I am taken care of, at least physically. but when they ask what I need I have trouble figuring it out. I think I realized last night that it is because I always assume they want to know what I physically need, and most of that is taken care of for the moment. So I think I am gonna spend sometime trying to figure out what I need that other ppl can give me. That leads to isseus too though. I don't want to ask for what I need because I don't want to become whiney or needy. I feel like I am both right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time before every one get tired of me, and my situation, and they will leave my life (or ask me to leave theirs.)

And there is another issue right now, something that I am just pretending isn't there in hopes that it will go away. At this point that isn't looking very likely thoguh. So maybe I should work on taking care of it today too.

100 questions

I need to do something to take my mind off some stuff so maybe this will work...

1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
~i'm not convinced that it can happen at least not for me...

2. Do you bite your toenails?
~no, but I did until I was in high school

3. Are you a jealous person?
~sometimes

4. What are you allergic to?
~sour cream, and all those plants that make you itchy

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
~lots of books make me cry the most recent was Blessed Are the Desperate For they Will Find Hope

6. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
~yes, but I have come to expect it from alot of ppl

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
~cookie dough, or Cotton Candy Explosion from that one place by where I used to live

8. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
~I'd tell them that I didn't want to date them (but I don't think I will ever have that problem)

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
~sleeping, or maybe talking to someone

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
~Gravity by Allison Krauss

12. What did you dress up as for last Halloween?
~last halloween, nothing

13. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
~haven't watched TV in over a month but I was an avid LOST fan

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
~currently the same sex (Most men suck)

15. Can others make you cry easily?
~not really, there are a couple of ppl that can though

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
~I think here lately I have been mostly pissed at myself

17. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
~no

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
~not all that much

19. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
~Kiwi

20. Were you a "planned" child?
~no

21. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
~I currently have 4 pairs in my posession, but I own alot

22. What was the last thing to scare you?
~my husband...

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
~about 6 to function most of the time, right now it is alot more though

24. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
~Southern Comfort and Diet coke, or good wine

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor? )
~a couple weeks ago....

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
~physical attractiveness is all relative anyway

27. What personality traits are a must-have in the opposite sex?
~loving, kind, patient, we could go on forever...

28. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
~only if I don't have to take 2 preschool kids alone on an airplane

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
~probably not

30. Have you ever dated someone out of your religion?
~yeah

31. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
~if he asks...

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
~yes, and hopefully soon....

33. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
~I wish more than I plan these days, but that is starting to change a bit

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
~I can speak some french, I was only one semester away from having a minor in it

35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
~rassberry vinigarette

36. What movies do you know every line to?
~Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and Fight Club

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
~yeah

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
~yep

39. When was the last time someone hit you?
~been a while

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
~depends on what it is of and who is in it

41. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
~do they make shoes that aren't flip-flops?

42. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~potatoes and something...

43. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
~one older sis

44. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
~I try to do sweet things all the time

45. When was your last road trip?
~does yesterday count?

46. Name 3 schools you went to:
~University of Southern MS, Warren Central High, Culkin Elementary

47. Name 3 things in your pockets/wallet:
~changes, lighter, paper with a phone # on it

48. Three names you go by:
~lisa, mommy, hey you

49. Who is in the house with you?
~the little ppl

50. Who are you thinking about right now?
I'm not telling

51. How tall are you barefoot?
5'8"

52. Have you ever smoked heroin?
~nope

53. Do you own a gun?
~nope

54. Do you have a crush on someone?
~If I told you I might have to kill you

55. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
~yeah, parents don't like me much

56. What do you think of hotdogs?
~they were ment to be dipped in batter and cooked til golden brown

57. What's your favorite Christmas song?
~the ones I haven't ever heard

58. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
~coffee or diet coke

59. Do you do push-ups?
~nope

60. Have you ever done ecstasy?
~nope

62. Do you like painkillers?
~not really

63. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
~well, whatever it is it only lures the wrong kinda guys so it must not be too good

64. Do you own a knife?
~yes

65. Do you have A.D.D.?
~nope

66. Middle Name?
~Gayle

67. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
~it's almost time to go, I am still tired, I need to figure this out

68. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
~a soda, dinner last night, stamps

69. Name five drinks you regularly drink?
~water, coffee, diet coke... those are the only things I drink regularly

70. What time did you wake up today?
~8:30am

71. Current worry?
~you would be here all day

72. Have you ever been in love?
~yes

73. Current hate?
~me

74. Favorite place to be?
~the beach or the mountains

75. Least favorite place to be?
~alive most days

76. Where do you want to be?
~with someone that loves me

77. Do you own slippers?
~nope

78. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
~I don't even know where I will be tomorrow

79. Do you burn or tan?
~burn

80. Favorite color?
~black and pink

81. Would you be a pirate?
~I don't think so

82. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
~night before last

83. What songs do you sing in the shower?
~most of the time I don't

84. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
~a monster

85. What's in your pockets right now?
~a lighter

86. Last thing that made you laugh?
~a conversation with my sweet friend

87. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
~any were fine

88. Worst injury you've ever had?
~broke my wrist in 6th grade and broke all my toes one summer

90. How many TVs do you have in your house?
~I don't have a house

91. Who is your loudest friend?
~most of my friends are pretty loud

92. Who is your most silent friend?
~mindi probably

93. Does someone have a crush on you?
~not sure

94. Do you wish on stars?
~no but I love to look at them

95. What is your favorite book?
~too many to name

96. What is your favorite candy?
~regular Hershey's bar

97. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
~doesn't matter anymore...

98. What song do you want played at your funeral?
~play whatever you want I will be gone

99. What were you doing 12AM last night?
~I was actually sleeping last night

100. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
~I should go back to sleep

Yesterday...

so it was a long exhausting day yesterday, but I did have 11 hours in a car, half of it completely alone, the other half with just the little ppl, so I had alot of time to think. I started thinking about relationships I'm in and the fact that I will always be in relationships with ppl no matter how much I don't want to be. I know there are a couple relationships in my life that need to be redefined (or maybe defined for the first time) so that there are no misunderstandings (ok so there will always be misunderstandings but there will be less this way) and so that we bot (or all) know where we are coming from and going. There need to be bounderies in some of my relationships that currently have none. For the most part all of this seems like normal life stuff to everyone else, but right now it is a huge deal. Over the past year I have lost every close friend I had with the exception of 1 and I think that is mostly due to lack of bounderies and deffinition. I miss those relationships alot sometimes, but other times I know that this is how things have to be. I don't want to make those same mistakes again though. I want to keep the ppl that are currently in my life. I don't want to lose them because we failed to do something that most ppl do naturally. I think my largest problem is that right now I am pretty relationally retarded. it will take time and practice learning how to be in functioning relationships with ppl, and I will probably lose more relationships before it gets better, but I have no doubt that it will get better

This week has been a roller coaster. some really good things have happened and in an attempt to share my joy, not just my pain, I am going to post a few of those really good things...
-reconnected with a friend that I haven't heard from in months. It is good to have this person in my life, good for both of us....
-I've been really supported by some unlikely ppl this week, one's that have been in the background for most of this ordeal, but have stepped up this week an shown they cared
-got to working on the plan, not just planing it (more to come on this in the near future)
-started believing God may like me just a little bit.
-Felt things (good things) that I haven't felt in a while
-haven't cut in 2 days now

ok, so right now that is all the good stuff I can think of. oh wait one more thing...Found out that I have gone down 3 pants sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (2 in the last month)

so tomorrow I will be taking a road trip to TX... still not sure how I feel about it. I am going alone, so it is going to be long, but I think it will be good. it will give me time to work some stuff out that is running around in my head. I never thought that I would be dealing with some of the thoughts, feelings, issues, ect. that I am right now. it makes everything harder. and God still seems pretty darn far away, and that makes it tough too. but I think I am moving in the right direction. That direction being toward Him and His love. nights like tonight make me feel like He might really love me. and it is the little things that make it feel like that, like conversations with friends and pink furry hats, and hamster key chains. that is where I am finding God's love these days...

so recently I have been reading more books than one person should have time to read in such a short period of time. the other day someone asked me what the most helpful thing I have read has been. I was completely stumped. I'm supposed to be reading things that are helpful? I mean it isn't like I am reading trash, as a matter of fact, not one book I have read has been non-fiction. but most of the books are only making me madder, making me realize that God is sovereign and I am just stupid for not realizing this in the middle of the shit pile I am currently standing in, or that my life could be a hell of alot worse so I should be happy instead of miserable. so yeah all the books I am reading are only making me feel worse. I am sure on the other side of all this I will be like "yeah all those books that I read were right" but right now I feel like they might just be making me feel worse about the whole situation....
any suggestions on how to get over this, or books that might help, are welcomed.

A conversation with a friend...

So around lunch time the other day my friend comes in and, as usual, she is on the phone. she is tell the person on the other end of the phone about the shit that happened earlier in the day then she says "I think God hates me" to which I reply the only way I can "I think he hates me more" at this point the person on the other end of the phone becomes a bystander in our converstation. my friend agreed that God hates me more, or at least that my case is stronger than hers, and then decides that maybe that is why I am in her life. I say "Yep, that is why all this is happening to me, so ppl can look at me and say, 'God must love me at least a little bit because my life isn't as fucked up as her's'" we both laugh hysterically to keep from crying. that is how life has been for a little while now

today was lazy (when your in survival mode most days feel lazy) I didn't sleep well last night. so I slept off and on all day, mostly in one hour increments waking up due to random bad/weird dreams that seemed too real. sat on the back porch for a long time watching the birds and having random conversation with K. then we went to eat. K's bday is tomorrow and so we ate birthday dinner. I couldn't let her eat birthday dinner alone. it was a good time. we talked about relationships and the mess that we call life. I am so very glad she is in my life. Like I told her, I don't think I am doing amazingly well because of me, but mostly because of the amazing ppl in my life. thankfully there is lots of support. there are also lots of unsupportive ppl. sometimes it becomes hard to tell the truth from all the lies. thankfully today is not one of those days.


right now I feel like this whole situation might me the direct result of me praying that God would allow me to see what true community is, how it looks, and how it functions in the midst of the disfunction of life. This really isn't what I had in mind when I asked for that. I didn't mean for my life to fall apart.

so I am horrible about updating, but recent events in my life are just to draining and time consuming to type out after living them all day long. one day I will write it all down for those of you that aren't able to physically be around so you will know what happened in my absence from the world wide web.

Right now I want to talk about Jesus. I think I have talked about "jesus experiences" here but this is almost more than that. For my whole life I alway thought something was missing from the churches I attened, now I am beginning to wonder if that thing has been Jesus, or at least the real Jesus. thinking about the past couple of week and how my community of faith has responded makes me see a really good picture (not perfect by any means but better than anything I have seen before) of who the Bible portrays Jesus as. I mean I have seen other ppl go through similar things inside a church environment and they come out more beaten up by the church than the situation. Jesus didn't go around beating up ppl that were already broken and wounded. He was there to give them comfort, not to condemn them. He was there to offer what he could, not tell them they aren't doing enough. he was there to love them, not judge them. He came for the sick and wounded not the rightous. anyways, the community that I have been blessed to be a part of for not even a full year has really come together to love on me. and I have no doubt that that love will continue. I just wish all churches could be Jesus to ppl like this. my wish is that everyone could have a community of amazing ppl like I have here.

still so much shit going on. I feel like my life has literally fallen apart around me and now I have to pick up the peices and go on. I'm not sure I can do that though. I feel like I just want a different life now. I keep hearing ppl say it is going to get better, I am just having trouble seeing it getting any better...

I thought I should break my blogging absence. so here I am. I am not in a good place right now. I am hurt, alone, weak, tired, and don't know what to do. I don't know what the next few weeks are gonna look like, but I have a feeling they won't be pretty. I want to be better, but I am afaid of what it is going to cost. I feel like I am trapped and the only way(s) out will turn out bad. maybe being trapped isn't such a bad thing? but I know in reality it is....

the past few days have been difficult in my little corner of the world. Everything in my life (including my life at times) seems to be broken. I can't focus, I just want to stay in bed. I don't feel safe anywhere (almost anywhere at least) It seems like life is against me right now, and I am losing what little energy I have to fight. blah

so I guess I should explain the new journey so ppl will stop asking me if I am pregnant (nope I'm not) I started a conversation about teenagers at the Journey. ever since then the question "do you know what your getting into" has been runing through my mind. um.... not really. we have a good starting point and I am excited, though. this week has been a huge rollercoaster for me. terrified, excited, balanced, depressed. yeah...

oh and for those that knew anything about the would-be internship, I emialed them and told them I no longer wanted to be considered. there was alot more to it than that (including several phone calls) and all is well. so that is where life is.

Something new....

so I am getting ready to embark on a new journey. I am scared to death at this current moment, but I am so excited too. soon, there will be a new blog. this one will still be around but the new one will document the new journey. good things are happening.....

House Churches revisited

ok so let talk about house churches. in an effort to make today seem worth while I surfed over to the Time website to read this article that has gotten alot of talk lately. several ppl pointed the article out to me, and I was interested, but didn't have the time.
so my thoughts on house churches a year later...
I still think they are deffinatly doable. it is a great concept. I think it does take alot of passion, & support. Last year there where 5 or 6 (I could go look it up but I don't feel like it) house church that came out of RTPC. I was excited., but it all came crashing down. there were too many ppl that thought they were in charge (or wanted to be) and no one wanted to care about the other ppl. it all became a power struggle.
we left the house churches for a couple of reasons. 1. it felt too exclusive. it was worse than a big church that felt like a country club. there was no way for an outsider to break into these groups. 2. I could take feeling inferior, whether or not it was intended to be that way, that is how it felt
3. the pain was way too much. even before the split to house churches happened there was alot of pain and house churches seemed to make that pain explode.
all in all I am now 100% sure that it was time to leave. we are now in a good place (not a perfect place)
Do I think house churches are bad. well no way. I have some friends who are very involved in the house church movement and amazingly great things are being done through their churches. But I don't think it is for everyone. I think that if you go into expecting to escape form the horrors of the institutional church, then it isn't going to work. I think that if you love ppl that have been beaten and abused by church to the point they refuse to go near a church building, then you may have something with house churches. I think it takes alot of dedication and suffering to see the fruit of house churches.

so I have been away from blogger for about a week now. most of that is due to the fact that my children tried to eat my computer (ok not the whole thing just the power cable, and not really eat just destroy) but all is better on that front. the van was sick again. it is better also. tomorrow there is a girls party, but I don't know that I will make it (sorry girls) mom is coming into town at some point, and there are a couple other things that have come up. tim also has to work. and I don't know that I am up for much partying.... I haven't felt all that great all week. not sure if it is a physical thing or a mental thing (or a combonation of the 2) I have read alot this week. some really good stuff and some not so good stuff. I have also watched a ton of tv. I think I watched more tv this week than I have in the past year combined. Thursday night I watched 5 hours of tv. I can still feel my mind rotting from it.

last night we talked about Luke 13:10-17....
I'm still thinking about it. it might consume me for a while. some more thoughts that came after re-reading the story today......
Jesus can only heal someone who lets him heal them.... they may not be looking for it, but they need to be willing. I think that is alot of my problem. I want to be the one that heals myself.
The woman wasn't looking to be healed, she wasn't expecting to be healed. She knew the laws about the Sabbath. but Jesus saw her, and healed her. Maybe healing doesn't always come from where we think it should. and this woman had lived like this for 18 years. she had learned to deal with her problem. she had learned how to live in spite of her problems. maybe that is where I need to start. maybe I need to learn how to live in spite of my faults, and problems.....
the other thing is that this lady was visible, her problems were visible. Jesus saw her. that is tough. making my issues visible. that seems way to hazardous to me. the whole rejection thing comes into play...
oh another thought on this.... I bet the lady didn't wake up that morning thinking she was going to be healed. she went to the synagogue because she was jewish and that is what she did. I think alot of times I go to church expecting something to happen, expecting to be healed, even if it is tiny bit of healing that I am expecting. alot of times I probably miss so much of what is going on because I am too busy saying "Ok God I'm here at church now fix this or that".


so... yeah... those are my thoughts. that is where I am.

I feel the need to blog something of substance, unfortunatly there isn't alot of that going on in my life right now.... I did get a new cell phone (finally) so if you feel the need to have the # and don't email me and I will get it to you (if I deem you worthy)
other than that, life has been uneventful. I am in the process of thinking about something... (yeah that was really descriptive) I don't think anything will come out of it for a while, but it is really where I want to go with life. time will tell I suppose. I just wish I knew for sure that it was what I was supposed to be spending any and all my time on. right now I feel kind of stuck, and disconnected. I don't know. lots of thinking going on, but doesn't seem like there is much doing....

oh... go here and do this, then make your own...

it has been a long week. lots of random crappy-ness, and I don't feel very well. I don't know... some of the crappy things seem almost funny now. but it has been a whole week of bad days, ones where I wish I would have just stayed in bed. the fact that it is saturday only eases the pain a bit. knowing that the week is almost over, and maybe next week will be slightly better. but knowing that he doesn't have a day off til friday doesn't make it all that great. I want time alone. not time alone with the little ppl. I do love them, but I want to be alone. to read in peace and quiet. to see my friends without having to worry about them being decent. ugh... I need to do things...

so yeah.... sm groups start back this week. I am pretty excited. Wed night tim and I are gonna go to one together, we'll see how it works out. I think it will be good. then thurs night I am going to another one. I feel honored that I get to be a part of the thursday night group. it is going to be a small, safe group. I like that. there aren't alot of places in my life that are very safe right now.

saw Brokeback mountain Sat night. it was fun and spontaneous. I am glad I got invited, and I am glad I went. still forming thoughts on the movie itself. it was intense. I also created a me space yesterday, and used it last night for a while. it needs a lamp, I think I might go look for one today at some point. I also need some more candles so I don't have to relocate the other ones in my house. and I still need to find a belt for my vaccum cleaner so I can vacuum. my floors look so bad.

this week has lots of promise. I am pretty excited. I might get things accomplished and such. and I will most definitely get to have contact with other ppl. I guess I need to feed some little ppl and get to work on being productive....

so I have been back to being a stay-at-home mommy for almost a month now (seems like way longer) and for the past few days I have been trying to figure out why it is so hard this time. I did this for almost 5 years before. I have come to the conclusion that it has alot to do with the ppl. not the little ppl (even though they are getting older and more independent) but the ppl in my life. until last april, I knew someone else that stayed home (I still know her but she is too far away to visit when I need to talk about things) And for the most part the ppl in my life now all have lives. And tim isn't home much right now, so my one chance for adult time is gone. It has been a couple days since I saw another adult who wasn't sleeping. yeah that is fun. and I have become alot better at organizing and cleaning the house with limited time (or livining with it a mess) so it doesn't take me nearly as long to do things now.
I love being at home. I really love getting to see my kids grow up, and all the fun things they do. but at the same time I really want contact with the outside world.
maybe it has just been a bad week...

Monday again...

yep here it is monday again. hasn't been all that bad, a little disappointing, but not too bad. blah... Got to do a little theraputic shopping tonight. it was nice. hubby got a new job. he starts tomorrow, but he will still be working, at least part time, at the other job. yeah. that is gonna be lots of fun. anyways, I think my house is becoming a cave, and I think I will see how long I can go without leaving, or going crazy. doubt it will be very long....

I thought I should update... I am in the middle of several things that aren't very fun, or easy right now. some days I am doing good just to survive. Others, I don't know that I am even surviving very well. There are days when I wonder if my life was ment to be lived in a cave, and there are day I cry because I know it isn't. There are relationships that are falling apart all over the place, and there are I am, standing in the middle of it all.
I think it all has alot to do with growing up, or at least realizing that I have responsibilities that don't go well with the not so grown up life style. And then I see all the fun things that I get out of it. all the happy little moments that seem so divinely appointed. these aren't the same things that would have made me a happy a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth all that I fear losing. Sometimes I think they are, but other times I'm not so sure.
I am trying desperatly to cling to relationships that are far beyond dysfunctional. Relationships that should have been let go of along time ago, but loss is too hard, even when I know it is for the best for everyone involved. why the hell is change so fucking hard.....

there are things I need to be doing, but instead I am sitting here in alot of pain. it all started about this time last week. I finally went to the dr on friday. turns out it is a kidney infection (no real suprise there) but the severity was suprising. so I have been taking antibiotics and phenagran (sp) (so I don't throw up the antibiotics) all weekend. the dr didn't give me anything for pain, but said by today I should be feeling significantly less pain. um, WRONG! and I keep getting chills, and just pretty much feeling like death. I felt better yesterday, but last night I started feeling worse again. it feels like my heart is racing, but when I check my pulse it is normal. I'm kinda shakey. I don't think this is a good thing. I think I will call the dr and see what they say. hope I don't need to go back in, not today, I don't know if I can move that far, or for that long.

deja vu

so last week I started feeling this strange since of deja vu. it wasn't a good situation and I wanted to run really far away from it. but the more I find out about the situation (which I am not involved in really, but friends are) the more ok I am with it. I don't think it will turn out the same way as the last situation. and now I realize how different the 2 situations are, but it is still weird. almost like bad situations follow me around. yeah... I think the worst thing about it is the fact that ppl might still get hurt, or are being hurt already. it sucks...

Christmas pics.

so after forever I finally have christmas pics up. here they are

ok, so, I had a really weird thing happen today. I am still recovering from it. I was in target looking at candles. there was a little girl (later I would find out that she is 12) and her mom looking at candles also. well the mom was looking at candles but the little girl was looking at me. it wasn't the way most ppl look at me, ya know like I am weird or something. she was studying my like there was going to be a test once she got out of the store. after a few mins the girl said "Mom, can I dye my hair?" to which the mother quickly replied "NO!" the girl went back to looking at me some more. then she said "well then can I get a tatoo?" the mother's reply was "Have you gone crazy? of course you can't get a tatoo. you are only 12!"
the girl stood there for a min looking like she might cry soon and then she said "I'm almost a teenager, I just want to look cool like her" she was pointing to me. her mom looked at me, and then drug her to the other end of the candle aisle as if being another few feet away I wouldn't be able to hear their conversation. the mom said "you don't want to be like her. she can't be any older than 16 or 17, and she has 2 kids. she probably had to drop out of high school because she got pregnant by some boy who doesn't even like her. she isn't cool at all, she is probably a depressed drug addict"
WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to say so much, but I didn't say anything. I just walked away with my yummy rasberry candle and my little ppl. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she really shouldn't make assumtions about ppl. I wanted to tell her that I was 25, I graduated in the top 5 percent of my class, that I had been off drugs for almost 5 and a half years, that my kids have a dad that loves them very much..... but I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't look anything like this if I were all the things she thought I was, but I just took my candle and left.

so my question is, what did you think about me the first time you saw me?

Happy 2006!!!

so it is here, the new year. looks alot like last year. lots of dreams and hopes for this year. my oldest little person starts school this year. I think it is gonna be a good year. yep I do

new years ever? what is going on this year guys? for the past few years there was no need to make plans, because it was always to the in laws house, but this year we aren't doing that, (mostly bc the inlaws live in ca now.) so what are we doing? come give me something to work with here!

I feel very disconnected right now. if I can just make it through this week I will be ok. then I can go to the dr, and find out what is wrong. but this week I just can't. I am kinda sad. and I feel icky. I have to go to work soon, so I should probably start trying to move now. this morning my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. I must have passed out again, it seemed like an eternity before it went off again, but it was only 9 mins. I feel really lightheaded, so I ate, but now i just feel like I might throw up. everyone says I should go to the dr, NOW, but I think I can wait. just one more week. just til mon. I will be ok, really I will.

I think something is wrong, even more wrong than I could have ever imagined...... I've lost 23 pounds in just over 2 months, and I don't lose weight, especially when I am not trying. I passed out in walmart today. It was really scarry, especially since I had the little ppl with me. I don't know what is going on....

Happy Chistmas Eve!

here it is already the afternoon of christmas eve. where has the day gone. I even got up at 8 this morning. I have been reading Prozac Nation today, and I have to layed down after every chapter. maybe that is where my day has gone, to napping in between chapters of prozac nation what a way to spend christmas eve. soon I will be getting ready to go to the Christmas eve service, and then... I don't know. I think that somehow I was convinved that we should open presents tonight so we could sleep in tomorrow before going to my dad's. it is gonna be fun. I want to spend later tonight with my friends, once the girls are in bed, but I don't know if tim will be ok with that. I won't get to see them tomorrow because I will be at dad's house. but for some reason it feels important to spend time with them. they are a different kind of family. maybe I will get be with them for a while. I'm cold. and the girls need to eat.....

I need to be filling out last min. christmas cards (the ones that I do more than just sign for close friends. that I will be hand delivering tomorrow) and I need to be doing cleaning, but none of that is quiet too appealing right now. a friend asked me what my dream job is, it is no job at all. not that I don't want to work, but my dream job wouldn't even have to pay as long as I got to do it. if it did pay that would be good but not necessity. it is more of a vision than a job really. I might talk about it more later when I have it worked out more. I don't know.....

thinking out loud, for just a min.

hmmm... it has been another long week, but I have almost made it, not by anything I have done however. God is making me rely on him more. it is tough. but I know he is going to provide. it is like he has said, "ok you tried it your way, and it didn't work out so great, now let me tak over" but that is really hard. right now I am ok, but I think it is because I am so tired I can't even worry. last night was great. I got away for a while. and for the first time in a while, I felt like it was ok. not that life was ok, but that I was ok. sometimes I think me being ok isn't important, but maybe it is. the random thoughts that are running through my head are getting all jumbled right now. this is what makes ppl go crazy.

I feel like crap... there could be a couple reasons for this, but I think it is a UTI or kidney infection more likely, being that UTI's rarely faze me anymore.
so in good news the van will be fixed tomorrow. if it is done by lunch then we will go get it then, if not it will be Wed morning, because the stupid place closes at 5pm and I don't get off til 5.... ugh. but they do open at 7:30am. so by mid week I will have my lovely van back. I promise to take better care of her.(even though most of the problem is that I just drive way too much)
Christmas is on its way. I've already gotten the best thing ever. I have great friedns and I feel more loved than I have in a really long time.
I was thinking about christmas memories today. my favorite christmas growing up was my Sr. year. yea that is a bit weird since it was just a month be for that I that I got kicked out of my dad's house. but I got to experience Christmas in a completely different way that year. I went to the mountains in NM and spent christmas with some ppl that are still very dear to me. I didn't get alot of stuff, but it was great. I think this will be one of those christmases too. you know, the ones where what you learn is so much more important than what you get. I like those the best. and I have concluded that hugs are the best presents

the word wrapped in flesh, dwelling among us. that is what it is about. S talked about this tonight. about how when god has an important message for us he wrapps it in flesh and sends it to us. in the old testemant it was the angel of the Lord, and then god wrapped up is grace and his truth up in flesh, called it Jesus, and sent it to live among us. how amazing is that. and now god wrapps his grace and truth, and everything else that he is, up in us so that we can be that for ppl. I knew just what was being siad tonight. it has been happening to be alot lately. ppl being jesus in the flesh to me, and to my family. I love it. I still don't know that I can be that for anyone else, but maybe that is when it happens, when we don't even know it is happening. hmmmm.... I love having Jesus moments, no matter how small they are. like tonight, it was as small as k just putting her arm around me.
I'm trying to work out lots of things. anger, denial, worry, fear.... it all seems to come at once. and there are some things that I am convinced will never make since. I don't know...

A christmas story....

so with the van broke, and all the other random crap going on, we had decided that christmas wasn't going to be about presents this year (it isn't about presents anyway,but wth little kids it is hard.) so I had asked some friends to pray about the $$ situation, and one of them convinved me to make an amazon wishlist for the girls. so I did. and in less the 24 hours the list had been purchased, and now the presents have started arriving. there are a couple of things that are really special about this to me. the first being that it makes me feel really loved. I don't feel worthy to have friends this great. I don't deserve any of this, but that is kinda like God. We didn't deserve the wonderfully precious gift of his Son dying for our sins, but we get it, all be have to do is accept it. the other thing that was so great about this was that someone had amazon wrap the presents before they were shipped, and the gift tag on those presents says "Enjoy my birthday, Love Jesus" I read it to stacey the other day and now she is so excited that Jesus sent her a present. I am so greatful that there are ppl that are willing to be Jesus to my family. I didn't even think I wanted anything for Christmas, but I realize that I have gotten the only thing that I could want, I am happy and I feel loved.

sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it, only to find out that it is worth so much more....

I have great friends. all the ppl in my life are so amazing. thank you all for what you do, for what you have done, and for what I am sure you will do in the future. It all means the world to me. but thank you most of all for loving me, even when I am in the middle of not loving myself.

so there is alot going on, but most of it is internal and doesn't make much sense to me right now. I have amazing friends, great kids, a wonderful husband.... but I feel alone, and hurt. I don't know why. I am sure it is somthng I have created. I have alot to do today, but instead I am here. trying to figure out what is going on, and why. the house is a wreck, but I think it is just an outward reflection of my heart right now. it has been a long and rough week. I have seen the love of God in ppl like never before, but at the same time I feel so far from that place. I feel like I am so worthless. I know this isn't true, but that is how I feel. I just need to find a way to tranlate the knowledge from my head to my heart. I hear all the words ppl say, and they all sound so good, but it doesn't help.

so I need to blog about not blogging, or at the very least the whole online journal scene. I think I will post this on all my journals. let me explain what has happened. I have 3 online journals. this one, one at live journal, and one at xanga. they are all very different. this one is to keep me connected to my virtual world. all the ppl I know online, and a couple of ppl that cross over. it is random updates on life and stuff, sometimes deep, sometimes now. xanga (where I have been spending most of my time) is mostly kept for my community of physical ppl. the ones I see. I say things there that I don't say in real life for one reason or another. it is about me, but different than blogger. and live journal is a very small part of my online journaling life. I keep up with a select few ppl there that I love very much. I seldomly update there, but when I do I know that it will be read. it is all about audiance. not that I am a different person on each journal, but I share different parts of my life at different places. so there.

happiness.....

wow! I am really overwhelmed right now. this has been a big week. I feel so loved right now, and it rocks. I was so afraid that this was going to turn out bad, real bad. but instead it turned out better than I could have ever hoped for. how amazing is this? how great is it to feel so loved? I just want to hold onto this feeling forever. life isn't ok, but knowing how much I am loved makes it seem a little bit better. man this is so cool.

tomorrow is sunday. I have come to really like sunday alot. first of all I get to sleep in. that is always a good thing. then, I don't have to do anything when I wake up. sure the little ppl need tending to, but the are growing up, and they want to be independent, so I let them, for the most part. then on sunday nights I get to be with a ton of really great ppl that I love and worship God. what could be better? its not about going to church. going to church is something I have done most of my life. this is different. we don't go to church, we attempt to be church. not just on sunday night (we don't meet on sunday mornings at all) but all the time. we don't always succeed, but that is ok. it is all part of it. I love the fact that there are ppl that are ok with the fact that I screw up, because i do, ALOT. church is taking on a new meaning for me. church is ppl not places. church isn't somewhere you go, or even something you do, it is something we are.

I am thinking about doing something to my hair this weekend. I guess you will just have to wait and see (and if I update as frequntly as I have been you might have to wait a while) In other news, I am starting to like new ppl alot. yeah it is weird, and so are they.
went to artmix last night. it was cool. there were ice sculptures. it rocked. if it doesn't rain tomorrow I might take the little ppl to the park. got to clean up the house too. ugh, I hate cleaning. but it has to be done. no insightful stuff today. maybe later my brain will feel more like working

the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....

life just got insane. since I am working we have some friends watching the girls during the day. thus far it has been a good deal and worked out well. until today.... Fri night the grandmother of the babysitter had a heart attack (she lives with the babysitter) and we decided that things would be okay and the girls could still be watched there. today however grandma's kidney's started to fail. so now the babysitter is going to be at the hospital with her during the day. hence there is no babysitter until further notice. this wouldn't be much of a problem if it had been this weekend as my sis is coming to stay at our house while I am in nash. but as it is we are without a sitter Thurs, fri, and mon. ugh. Hubby is trying to find out if he can take a couple of vacation days, so he can stay home and still get paid. but we won't know til tomorrow. I am taking an entire week off so I would feel like crap if I had to take more time off. this is one of those situations that is completely out of our control and I hate it. I am sure there is a good lesson somewhere in this, but I don't know where right now.

Nashville is coming upon me very quickly. this time next week I will be busy packing and buying all the last min things for the trip, drinks for the road, and snacks. as I will have to work the 14th and will be leaving early in the am the 15th. I have to be there the 16th to start working on Registration stuff, but the 15th I will get into Nash at a decent hour and hang out with the debra. I can't wait to see her. there will be much fun had. I am finding it harder to get excited this year. there is so much to do that I just don't have the time to be excited. it will come, I am sure. but there are other things going on in life also. some that are not so blog worthy. others that I will blog about at some point.
Last night was fun. I got bored of being home cleaning so I called some ppl (brian and candi to be exact) and they were going to Hal & Mals so I decided to go along. Living better Electricly played. they were good. it was fun. glad I got to see Brian & candi again, it has been to long. we need to make it a habit to hang out with them more often.
I am working on a secret project. it might turn out well, took some time to talk to someone that I really want to be involved in it yesterday. I think they are on board. not much will happen with it until after christmas though. there just isn't the time.

I did add something new to the poetry blog, so if you like that sort of thing you should check it out. um.... yeah that is about all....

Disconnected.........

I don't feel very connected to anything... I don't know why. I have felt like crying for the last few days, but I still haven't. I did get really fusterated today and slammed my head into the desk at work. it almost felt good. that is scary... on the way home tonight my 4yr old was singing "free falling" it is creepy that she knew the words. I don't feel like doing anything. maybe I just won't...... goodnight

it's been a while. ONLY 2 WEEKS TIL I AM IN NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that rocks so hard. work is... going.... lots of stuff it a pain in the butt right now, but I get to get way and go to Nashville for a little bit!!!! it will be a nice vacation.

drowning in emotions
exhausted and overwhelmed...
not sure where I want to be
but I doubt it's anywhere
pain and doubt crowd my mind
I just feel like falling down,
and staying there for a while....

yeah that is where I am right now. I think I will go learn something right now. yep...