I thought I might post something today, but I have since changed my mind. all that I can say now is that there might be some big news in a few weeks, or I might just be crazy. yeah, that is all I can say right now.

Church?

So today at some point I came to the conclusion that it isn't church that I don't like, it is the ppl. then I quickly realized the problem with that, church isn't a place it IS the ppl. UGH!!!! now I am back right where I started again. I know that whenever ppl are involved things are going to get messed up. but the thing I don't like it the lying, sneaky, underhanded, backstabbing ppl. I hate all the polotics, and how ppl think that leadership=power. The more I think about the more it hurts and the more I don't want to get into it all again. But also I know that I can't not get involved in church somewhere. I just don't know what to do or how to go about doing it.

Hurt....

I guess I just didn't realize how hurt I was by it all until tonight. all the things that have gone on in the past 5 or so months. They took away the one thing I loved most. It is getting better now. At first I couldn't even go into a church without being angry; mostly I was angry at church in general, and God for allowing it to happen the way it did. That was where I found a huge part of myself. We sacrificed so much to be here, and just because we didn't fit thier mold we weren't listened to or takend seriously. that wasn't just our church that was a huge part of our lives. it hurts alot, even more-so now that we are getting into another church. it is tough. I am afraid of it all happening again. I still need time. I can't just pour my entire life into this so quickly. I think this is a good place for the healing to start though. and there are other things that I am working on, things that are going to allow me to get away from everything to think it all over. something where I can just sit at the feet of God for a little while and let Him pour out His love on me. that is what I need right now. it is all going to be a long hard process, but I am sure that eventually it will hurt less.

GONE....

My great-grandmother died. she was 103. anyway that means my weekend will be busy with the funeral. I will be out of town from Friday til Saturday, but I may not be around again until sometime Sunday or maybe even monday. as Sunday will be another significant day in my life. (if you wanna know why ask, I just might tell you) I need to do alot of laundry tomorrow. ugh. I want to talk to someone. but not just any someone. a certain someone. someone that I miss. oh well. I doubt I will for a while. I miss alot of ppl right now. well, I think I am gone.

the weekend was good. it was mellow, but I needed it. roo and I went out to eat Sat night and then hung out at m and t's house. I saw my dad. and today was a nice Sabbath day. there were a couple of bizzare moments, but it was FUN. tomorrow I will be swimming at the Rez with some teenage girls and my little ppl. it should be fun. one more week til the 5 yr. mark.

breathing is good.

I feel good right now, I am really content. life is starting to look up. soon there will be new poetry here. so that means you should go catch up if you missed anything. Something good is in the works.

25 Years....

Yep I have been alive for 25 years now. i can remember when I didn't want to live past 16 or 18, man the things I would have missed out on. Today not much will be happening. just hanging out at the house for a while. Dad will be coming to see me sometime. Roo and I might do something tonight, but we will have to take the little ppl with us. not too eventful of a birthday. but thanks to some GREAT friends, I had a ton of birthday wishes in my inbox this morning, it made my day. now, I am off to make the house look decent.

ok so I missed a day an now it is my birthday. I will blog again later about the fact that it is my birthday but for now more interesting facts about 1980:

here are some random costs of things and such:
Federal debt: $909.1 billion
Median Household Income
(current dollars): $17,710
Unemployment: 7.1%
Cost of a gallon of regular gas: $1.25
Cost of a gallon of Milk: $2.16
Cost of a first-class stamp: $0.15

America's Top 10 TV Favorites:
1)Dallas
2)60 Minutes
3)The Dukes of Hazzard
4)Private Benjamin
5)M*A*S*H
6)The Love Boat
7)The NBC Tuesday Night Movie
8)House Calls
9)The Jeffersons
10)Little House on the Prairie
11)The Two of Us
12)Alice
13)Real People
14)Three's Company
15)The NBC Movie of the Week
16)One Day at a Time
17)Too Close for Comfort
18)Magnum P.I.
19)Diff'rent Strokes
20)NFL Monday Night Football

THE EMMY'S of 1980
Drama:
Best Drama -Hill Street Blues (NBC)
Best Actor -Daniel J. Travanti, Hill Street Blues
Best Actress -Barbara Babcock, Hill Street Blues: “Fecund Hand Rose”
Supporting Actor -Michael Conrad, Hill Street Blues
Supporting Actress -Nancy Marchand, Lou Grant

COMEDY:
Best Comedy -Taxi (ABC)
Best Actor -Judd Hirsch, Taxi
Best Actress -Isabel Sanford, The Jeffersons
Supporting Actor -Danny DeVito, Taxi
Supporting Actress -Eileen Brennan, Private Benjamin
Best Variety-Lily: Sold Out (CBS)

Other Randon facts about 1980:
Rubik's Cube Popular

'ghetto-blaster' is included in the English dictionary for the first time

Dutch company Philips launch 'Compact Disc'



So this will end out history lesson for the year. I hope that you all feel like you have learned something from this, and I hope that I didn't make anyone feel too old.

So what will I do for my birthday? I don't know. I will sleep in a little while, but after that I am unsure. My father is coming to see me at some point (that should be lots of fun.) and I really need to do some laundry, give the dog a bath, and clean house a bit. Hubby has to work so I won't be doing alot that involes going without kids, and I really have alot to do around the house, so I will probably do all that once I wake up, and then I will do fun stuff like shopping on Sunday. that really does sound like a good plan doesn't it.

today's history lesson.

okay today we are going to remember all those GREAT movies from 1980. unlike the music portion I have heard of most of these movies and even seen some of them...

Top movie money makers in 1980:
The Empire Strikes Back $290,268,568
Superman II $108,185,706
9 To 5 $103,290,500
Stir Crazy $101,300,000
Airplane! $83,400,000

other new movies in 1980:
Breaker Morant
Caddyshack
Coal Miner's Daughter
Flash Gordon
Friday the 13th
Gloria
Herbie Goes Bananas
Mad Max
Ordinary People
Private Benjamin
Raging Bull
Stardust Memories
The Blue Lagoon
The Shining
Urban Cowboy


Best Actress: Sissy Spacek: Coal Miner's Daughter
Best Director: Robert Redford: Ordinary People
Best Picture: Ronald L. Schwary: Ordinary People
Best Actor: Robert De Niro: Raging Bull
Best Supporting Actor: Timothy Hutton: Ordinary People
Best Supporting Actress: Mary Steenburgen: Melvin and Howard


so there you have it... stay tuned for another exciting edition of 1980 (I promise it will be over soon)

Time for another installment of 1980

so for today's very informative blog on the year I was born I think we will talk about popular music during 1980 (sorry to all those that are older than me that this is making feel really old, it will only last a week, I promise)

the Billboard top 10 for 1980:
1.Call Me-Blondie
2. Fame- Irene Cara
3. Working My Way Back To You- Spinners
4. Funkytown- Lips Inc.
5. Little Jeannie- Elton John
6. Upside Down- Diana Ross
7. He's So Shy- Pointer Sisters
8. Please Don't Go- KC&The Sunshine Band
9. Do That To Me One More Time- Catain & Tennille
10. Take Your Time (Do It Right) Part 1- The S.O.S Band

Top Albums of 1980
Against the Wind- Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Damn the Torpedoes- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Eat to the Beat- Blondie
Glass House- Billy Joel
In the Heat of the Night- Pat Benatar
Off the Wall- Michael Jackson
The Wall- Pink Floyd

Grammy's
Album of the year: Christopher Cross, Christopher Cross
Best New Artist: Christopher Cross
Best Pop Duo or Group: "Guilty" Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
Bset Pop Female vocal: "The Rose" Bette Midler
Best Pop Male Vocal: "This Is It" Kenny Loggins
Best Rock Duo or Group: Against the Wind, Bob Seger and the Silver Bulet Band
Best Rock Female Vocal: Crimes of Passion, Pat Benatar
Best Rock Male Vocal: Glass House, Billy Joel
Record of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross
Song of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross


There you have it. Stay tuned for more useless facts about 1980 to make you feel really old...

the year of Dallas....

WARNING: this could possiblly be the most educational blog I have ever written. Please proceed with caution.

so my birthday is on Saturday. I will be a quater of a century old (25 for all of you that are a little slow) that means I was born in 1980, "The year of Dallas" according to some random website. I have decided to blog lots of important things that happened in 1980 this week (ok today could be the only day I do it, but I really am going to try)
so today's facts from 1980:

1.Summer Olympics in Moscow, USSR, The US boycotts

2.Post-It Notes are introduced by 3-M (this may be part of the reason for my addiction to the darn sticky notes. I love these things)

3.The first all news service started by Turner Cable Network begins

4.John Lennon is assassinated by Mark David Chapman

5.Who Shot JR? is talked about heavily from the TV show Dallas. On November 21, the conclusion draws more viewers than any other show in TV history up to that po

6.Brook Shields whispers, "You know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." the ad was banned.

7.Ronald Reagan is elected, defeating Jimmy Carter, and takes credit for freeing the Iranian hostages in his innaugural speech.

8.RU-486, the abortion pill is released in France.

9.The US Supreme Court allows patents on living organisms.

10. Mt. Saint Helens erupts, killing 60 people.

11. CNN is launched as the first all news network (oh joy. how did ppl ever live without CNN)

12.Richard Pryor gets badly burned trying to freebase cocaine.

13.Small pox is considered eradicated by the World Health Orginization.

14.Sadam Hussein launches war against Iran for close to a decade over oil rights.

15.Bill Gates licenses MS-DOS to IBM, makes next to nothing on the deal. The pair buys the rights to a simple operating system manufactured by Seattle Computer Products and use it as a template. The money is made later from licensing it to third party clone makers

16.Genetic Engineering of insulin began clinical trials.

17.US suspends grain sales to the Soviet Union in respond to their support of the war in Afghanistan.

18.President Carter attempted a helicopter rescue of the hostages in Iran, failing miserably.

19.US hockey team beat Russia for the gold in the Winter Olympics.

there are pictures from Friday night.... but if you want to see them you must email me and I will decided if you are worthy enough to see some, or all, of them....

I was thinking about posting something, but then I realized that it wasn't very important. so this is my update. I have nothing important to say. lots going on in my head, but it is stuck in there for now... maybe one day soon it will come out...

Let there be pictures

ok so instead of posting every single picture from the party I just put them in my webshots thing and I am posting a link. so here is the link Enjoy!
by the way they are the one's that say Roo's party...

IT....

*the it I am refering to in this post is very sepific, but I am not going to name it. some of you may know what it is but most of you don't and won't. if you would like to speculate you may, but don't do it in my comments please because I am not going to say what it is....

I've thought alot about it lately. Just thinking about doing it again makes me want to do it. I know that I have so little to gain from it, but there was a time when it was my life, and I have missed that time alot lately. things have just sucked pretty much. don't get me wrong, every second of every day hasn't sucked, but the over all feeling at the end of the day is one of major suckiness. so it has been on my mind alot lately. good thing I have at least a small amount of will power... I feel really alone right now. work has consumed him. and the boys aren't here. something about a tire falling off of corey's car... didn't seem much like anyone else wanted to hang out, so I just came home. now would be a good time to do it. I'm bored and feel alone and somewhat unloved. doing it would be nice, but it would cause lots of problems.... blah...

party

party at roo's house, Friday night. for all who need to know where she lives, come to my house and follow me or we can pack into the van.... bring pillows and blankets, as you will not be leaving Friday night. that is just how this works.....it is gonna rock!

I am still alive, but no longer working. but it will be okay. creepy things happened so I quit. this week I am trying to catch up with ppl and get my life back. it seems to be working ok. lots to think about, lots of things to figure out. but all will be good.

Am I invisible?

I feel like I am invisible. I feel like no one knows I am here. the boys have been here for a few days now, and it seems like I have stopped exsisting around here. And it isn't because I haven't tried to spend time with my husband. I really want to spend time with him, but when he is home the boys are hear and he doesn't seem to know I am alive anymore. He cooked supper tonight. I went for a drive right as he was starting it. I got home and it all smelled to good, but didn't look done yet so I went to lay down. when I came back out to the kitchen I asked if they had eaten already and he said yes. then I asked if there was anything left and he said no. so I guess it doesn't matter that I haven't eaten anything and I have to work tonight. none of that matters. all that matters is that he has fun. it doesn't matter that I want to feel loved, or that I need him. all that matters is that he is happy. it doesn't matter how much I hate this situation, or the fact that I never see my husband. oh well, I "only" have to do it until Sept, not for a whole year. unfortunatly I am already burnt out and hurting, and I don't know if I can take this for another couple of months even.....

today

it was fun. we went sight seeing Jackson, yeah it didn't take very long. we hung out for a while. now the boys and some of their friends are over. I don't mind, it was my idea, but the problem is that I don't get to spend any time with my husband. The boys have seen him more than I have. I love the boys really I do, but I would really like to see my husband, and spend time with him. I feel so unloved right now. I know he loves me but I just don't feel very loved right now. I feel like crap. I just feel so alone, even though there are so many ppl.

busy...

this weekend is going to be busy. the boys will be here this evening sometime (according to A who called right after lunch), Sat Mrs. L, K, H and Granny will be moving back. I have to work tonight, tomrrow, and Sat. but I will be off Sun and mon. Tim has to go into work really early Sun, but that means he should be off early too. lots going on... and I have to sleep at some point

today has sucked. I can't work and be a good mom. there is just no way. but then when I don't work ppl say I am lazy. I would like to see you do it. I would like to see you take care of 2 small kids, and run an entire house. I would also like to see you do what I am doing now. Take care of 2 kids, run a house, and work 8 hours a day. see how long you last. oh and you can't put the kids in daycare if you really want to understand my situation. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like crap all the time. at least I have tomorrow off. I hate all of this. I never see my husband, I am always cranky, and I cry all the time. this isn't me. this isn't who I am. this isn't who I want to be. only a year, what the fuck!! a year is a long time. it is almost forever in the lives of my kids. I have lost touch with all my friends. I never see anyone, and I feel so disconnected from everything. I hate this! I HATE this!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is one solution, it will suck but I will do it. I will do all the things I am expected to do as a wife and mother, and I will work, and soon, I will collapse from exhaustion. there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. but I will.

please tell me you will come visit me in the hospital...