the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....

life just got insane. since I am working we have some friends watching the girls during the day. thus far it has been a good deal and worked out well. until today.... Fri night the grandmother of the babysitter had a heart attack (she lives with the babysitter) and we decided that things would be okay and the girls could still be watched there. today however grandma's kidney's started to fail. so now the babysitter is going to be at the hospital with her during the day. hence there is no babysitter until further notice. this wouldn't be much of a problem if it had been this weekend as my sis is coming to stay at our house while I am in nash. but as it is we are without a sitter Thurs, fri, and mon. ugh. Hubby is trying to find out if he can take a couple of vacation days, so he can stay home and still get paid. but we won't know til tomorrow. I am taking an entire week off so I would feel like crap if I had to take more time off. this is one of those situations that is completely out of our control and I hate it. I am sure there is a good lesson somewhere in this, but I don't know where right now.

Nashville is coming upon me very quickly. this time next week I will be busy packing and buying all the last min things for the trip, drinks for the road, and snacks. as I will have to work the 14th and will be leaving early in the am the 15th. I have to be there the 16th to start working on Registration stuff, but the 15th I will get into Nash at a decent hour and hang out with the debra. I can't wait to see her. there will be much fun had. I am finding it harder to get excited this year. there is so much to do that I just don't have the time to be excited. it will come, I am sure. but there are other things going on in life also. some that are not so blog worthy. others that I will blog about at some point.
Last night was fun. I got bored of being home cleaning so I called some ppl (brian and candi to be exact) and they were going to Hal & Mals so I decided to go along. Living better Electricly played. they were good. it was fun. glad I got to see Brian & candi again, it has been to long. we need to make it a habit to hang out with them more often.
I am working on a secret project. it might turn out well, took some time to talk to someone that I really want to be involved in it yesterday. I think they are on board. not much will happen with it until after christmas though. there just isn't the time.

I did add something new to the poetry blog, so if you like that sort of thing you should check it out. um.... yeah that is about all....

Disconnected.........

I don't feel very connected to anything... I don't know why. I have felt like crying for the last few days, but I still haven't. I did get really fusterated today and slammed my head into the desk at work. it almost felt good. that is scary... on the way home tonight my 4yr old was singing "free falling" it is creepy that she knew the words. I don't feel like doing anything. maybe I just won't...... goodnight

it's been a while. ONLY 2 WEEKS TIL I AM IN NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that rocks so hard. work is... going.... lots of stuff it a pain in the butt right now, but I get to get way and go to Nashville for a little bit!!!! it will be a nice vacation.

drowning in emotions
exhausted and overwhelmed...
not sure where I want to be
but I doubt it's anywhere
pain and doubt crowd my mind
I just feel like falling down,
and staying there for a while....

yeah that is where I am right now. I think I will go learn something right now. yep...

so we were supposed to do my hair last night. it didn't get done, but it will be done Saturday. tonight we are having a party at my house. yay! it is gonna rock. it is gonna be a busy weekend. but it is gonna be fun. just over 2 weeks til I get to go to nashville, see the Deb, and hang out with some really cool peeps. that is gonna rock too. lots going on, and I should be working but I don't feel like it...

and now for an update....

first off... DEBRA I have not forgotten about you I am just really busy but I will be emailing you soon and I will be seeing you in less than 3 weeks

so now for an update on life.... it is busy.... we are having a halloween party at my house. it is going to be fun... it is cold. I like cold. life is going. things are changing. yeah that is about all for now I need to sleep.

so an update on the random ear pain, it is still there, but not quite as bad. And the mysterious fever that came along with it seems to have gone away as of yesterday. I am feeling alot better, and I am sleeping better thanks to the muscle relaxers.

yesterday I had a fun adventure. when I left work I noticed that my back tire was a little flat so I put some air in it and went on my way to get the little ppl. I never made it however (Idid finally make it to the little ppl but my van did not) the tire decided it needed to die. it sucked. so I got someone to come get me so I could get my spare (it was at my house, not in my van, because that is the logical place for a spare to be) then we took the spare and put it on the van, only to realize the spare was flat as well, and it wouldn't even pretend to hold any air. so today will be spent getting a new tire and putting it on. then hopefully we will have time to go to the halloween carnival at the Rez. the girls will have fun doing that.


oh an debra I haven't forgotten about you, I will try to email you this weekend with the plans for when I am up there.... love ya lots

been a while

yep I have been slacking on my blog. partly because I have been working but mostly because I have been sick. I am still sick but go to the ENT in the morning. I go to nashville in less than a month. I can't wait to see my deb and meet up with some of the YS peeps. it is gonna rock. hopefully my sickness with be over by then. I will keep ya updated.

Well, we went to the state fair tonight. it was fun. it is always fun when you go somewhere that you know is going to be way to crowded. what is it that compells ppl to go somewhere when they know tons of other ppl are going to be there. I did run into an old friend though (I was truely suprised that I only saw one person I knew the whole time) Anyways this old friend was someone that I used to write poetry with when I was going to Holmes. it was good to see him again. It made me want to write again. I don't think this counts.

some things I should have blogged about....

so with the business of the past week I have been meaning to blog about some things but haven't gotten around to it. here are just a few of them:

- something was said last week that I really agree with The primary goal of the gospel is to reunite people with their Maker by way of the cross, but much of what the church does today only makes that seperation lager. I don't know where the quote origianlly came from but I like it and I have alot of thoughts on it that I hope to get around to posting later.
- also now that I just started working, there probably won't be a baby as soon as I would like one, but right now I am just going to leave all that up to God. After all He is the one in control anyway.
- the new church we are going to is growing on me alot. I took a huge step (for me at least) and went out to lunch with some ppl on Mon (some of the leadership) it was nice to see them as ppl and not just positions. they are some fun ppl too.
- I got the new DC*B cd at some point before the release date. it rocks and if I can swing it I am going to see them in concert on 10-27 (I think that is the date) and then I will be seeing them at NYWC as they are leading worship part of the time.
-Speaking of NYWC the boss said it was cool that I take the time off, being that it was a preivious engagment so I am all set.
-mom has moved to TX and she is liking it, I think. life will be very different without her around

and that is pretty much all, nothing too deep and profound right now. too much going on. once I get used to working things will get better. now I have to go finish house cleaning.

work was good this week. I think I am going to like it. and it is cool working with roo. she rocks. Stacey is sick (ugh) so she is just laying around on the couch. it doesn't really seem like she is getting much better. I guess if she isn't better by Mon I will call and make an appt. for her to see the dr. yay fun. she never gets sick so this sucks.

today.... man....

it was a great day, but I feel like it has been alot longer than just one day. God has been amazing! so fist I went to lunch with the Journey staff. this was a big step. it has alot to do with what happened with the last church, and the fact the I have a huge fear of it happening all over again. but today I got to see the ppl not the positions. it was cool.

then I came home (after making several stops.) got the mail and opened it before getting out of the car. The health insurance cards came, which I knew would mean they $$ would start coming out of hubby's check, which means I need to get a job NOW!!!
So I go inside, and start returning phone calls that had happened while I was out. Called roo to find out that I have a job, starting tomorrow!!!!!!!! how cool is that of God!!!!!!!!! I knew that the thing with roo would happen but I wasn't sure when, and god made it happen in his time. so I will be starting work and it will more than make up for what is taken out for insurance. and I have a great babysitter too!

here is my big girl on her birthday!!!! 

I thought I posted this already....

a couple days ago I ran into a blog that I like.... it had a quote on it that I liked. I took the quote with every intention of making a post on it, but just realized I still haven't so now I am...

the quote....
I believe that our understanding of God is deficient without the contribution of those who have a dependency on Christ that most of us only read about. Yet we write the books on ecclesiology (church), which is ironic since our culture provides us with a context that leaves community as an option, whereas community for them is often a means of survival.
shouldn’t they be invited into dialogues about church since they live what most of us attend? They really know what it means to "share all things in common" (Acts 2), we "sacrifice what we don't need, keep what we want" and then write about community while living in neighborly isolation.


I want what "they" have. I want that community so much. About a year ago I fist saw what really community means, and first realized I didn't have it. Last year I was somewhere with a bunch of ppl I didn't know. something happened and some of those ppl helped me out. they didn't care how it looked to the outside, they didn't care about what ppl where saying... They cared that I was hurting and that they could help. I came home from somewhere and tried to find that here. I couldn't, mostly because we live in neighborly isolation. we talked about community, but we weren't one. we still kept our distance outside of "church", but I don't know why.
With recent life events, conversations about where life is going, and just general 'stuff' I wonder if community really is an option for Christians. We weren't created to be solitary beings. if my life keeps going the way it is community won't be an option for me. I just hope I don't have to move to another country to find it.
I want to be part of a ppl that "share all things in common". I need that. I know God wouldn't put this desire in me if He didn't have a reason. I know that GREAT things are going to be happening soon... I just don't know what all this means right now.


oh... in life news...
my mom is moving to TX tomorrow.
my little girl turned 3.
and the secret is.... we are planning on having another baby, we thought we were pregnant, but it turned out that we weren't, but we will be soon, hopefully. :)