the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....

life just got insane. since I am working we have some friends watching the girls during the day. thus far it has been a good deal and worked out well. until today.... Fri night the grandmother of the babysitter had a heart attack (she lives with the babysitter) and we decided that things would be okay and the girls could still be watched there. today however grandma's kidney's started to fail. so now the babysitter is going to be at the hospital with her during the day. hence there is no babysitter until further notice. this wouldn't be much of a problem if it had been this weekend as my sis is coming to stay at our house while I am in nash. but as it is we are without a sitter Thurs, fri, and mon. ugh. Hubby is trying to find out if he can take a couple of vacation days, so he can stay home and still get paid. but we won't know til tomorrow. I am taking an entire week off so I would feel like crap if I had to take more time off. this is one of those situations that is completely out of our control and I hate it. I am sure there is a good lesson somewhere in this, but I don't know where right now.

Nashville is coming upon me very quickly. this time next week I will be busy packing and buying all the last min things for the trip, drinks for the road, and snacks. as I will have to work the 14th and will be leaving early in the am the 15th. I have to be there the 16th to start working on Registration stuff, but the 15th I will get into Nash at a decent hour and hang out with the debra. I can't wait to see her. there will be much fun had. I am finding it harder to get excited this year. there is so much to do that I just don't have the time to be excited. it will come, I am sure. but there are other things going on in life also. some that are not so blog worthy. others that I will blog about at some point.
Last night was fun. I got bored of being home cleaning so I called some ppl (brian and candi to be exact) and they were going to Hal & Mals so I decided to go along. Living better Electricly played. they were good. it was fun. glad I got to see Brian & candi again, it has been to long. we need to make it a habit to hang out with them more often.
I am working on a secret project. it might turn out well, took some time to talk to someone that I really want to be involved in it yesterday. I think they are on board. not much will happen with it until after christmas though. there just isn't the time.

I did add something new to the poetry blog, so if you like that sort of thing you should check it out. um.... yeah that is about all....

Disconnected.........

I don't feel very connected to anything... I don't know why. I have felt like crying for the last few days, but I still haven't. I did get really fusterated today and slammed my head into the desk at work. it almost felt good. that is scary... on the way home tonight my 4yr old was singing "free falling" it is creepy that she knew the words. I don't feel like doing anything. maybe I just won't...... goodnight

it's been a while. ONLY 2 WEEKS TIL I AM IN NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that rocks so hard. work is... going.... lots of stuff it a pain in the butt right now, but I get to get way and go to Nashville for a little bit!!!! it will be a nice vacation.

drowning in emotions
exhausted and overwhelmed...
not sure where I want to be
but I doubt it's anywhere
pain and doubt crowd my mind
I just feel like falling down,
and staying there for a while....

yeah that is where I am right now. I think I will go learn something right now. yep...