Tuesday, November 30, 2004
So I was driving home and I saw the lights of an oncoming car in the distance.... I wondered what it would feel like to drift slowly into their lane and then finally collide with them head on... I wondered if I would feel the seatbelt lock and then cut through the flesh on my neck as my whole body tried not to fly forward... then I thought I would probally hit my head on the steering wheel and be knocked unconscious. I wondered if I would feel the glass from the windshield shatter over my unconscious body and slice through my clothes and then my flesh like a hot knife cutting butter.... then I wondered if it would feel good to be in so much pain.... then I wondered if I could survive such a thing...
I am not sure what made me wonder all of that... it was quite disturbing actually... maybe there is something wrong... while we were in Target I just got numb for some reason... again I am sorry you guys... I really don't know what it was... I am still numb... I don't expect you to understand... I don't even understand...
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Saturday, November 27, 2004
- You had me at taco
- Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future.
- Does a Grilled Stuffed Burrito qualify you for the car pool lane?
- Pick me! Pick ME!
- Open quickly.... I'm burning up in here.
- When I grow up I want to be a waterbed.
so there you have it.... deep thought from the taco sauce.... just thought I would share that with you all since roo and I went to Taco Hell and there were funny sayings on the sauce... so yeah now i am going to go and drink my sour apple martini... yeah... yummy...
WTF!!! Why is blogger being so crappy… it just knows that I need to blog so it isn’t letting me… It can’t be normal to almost draw blood by digging your fingernails into the plam of your hand and not even feeling it… maybe that is what I need… to bleed… bleeding used to work really well… maybe it still would… but then there would be a multitude of people that were pissed of at me… and there would be the people that would say I am crazy… I thought I didn’t care about what people thought… I guess I am wrong… I hate this… I hate it all.. I’ve never wanted so badly to do something that I knew would piss so many people off and make so many people lose all respect for me…Why am I like this… why can’t I cope with every day life? Hmmm I will have to post this once blogger stops being anal…
so there it is... yeah...
Friday, November 26, 2004
makes me want to change
to try to be a little better
than what I've grown happy being...
Reflecting on what could have been
if ony I had tried harder...
Wanting things to be different
but crying because they are the same....
standing on the edge of reason
trying to decide
if I should just jump off...
...maybe I will finish this later
Thursday, November 25, 2004
roo- I love you and couldn't even begin to describe how thankful I am for you... we have had a very odd friendship over the years but I like where it is now... Lets agree never to let CRAP ruin our friendship, k?
mom- mostly because she moved out of my house so now we can go back to being friends again and not mother/daughter
dad- he really is a great dad even though he has made bad decisions in the past... I am also thankful that I am close enough to see him on the holidays but not close enough to see him every day
the little people- they really are fun and I know I will miss these times when they are gone... they keep me somewhat in touch with reality and have made me a little more responsible
tim- well he is my husband, you didn't expect me to leave him off the list did you??? he can be okay, but he has changed alot... we'll see what happens...
other family- they put up with me, which is more than some people... and the in-laws aren't that bad (most of the time)
BOB & Andrew- no they aren't included in the general family they are special... I was around them so much for a long time... I feel like they are my kids too... they have taught me more than they could ever know... I love you guys!!!
Stacey- she has been one of my best friends for so long... I know that she is there for me when I need her and that she will tell me the truth, which is rare... I love you!!!
friends- If I listed you all I would be up for days... you may never know just how much you mean to me... You are the people who have kept me alive, and somewhat sane... I owe you my life...
my "kids"- you what gives my life meaning... I stive to be a better peron every day because of you... I would really do ANYTHING for you...
the internet- yes I am thankful for the internet... It is my source of life at times... it is the bridge that crosses the country so that I can be in contact with all my friends...without it I would be lost
RTPC- for the first time I have found somewhere that I really feel I belong... this is my family just as much as anyone else... I don't think I could describe where I would be without RTPC...
I am sure there are other people and things that I have neglected, and I will probally get hate mail for nameing some and not others... I am sorry... these are the people and things that are right at the front of my mind daily.... I didn't mean to leave anyone out... I love you all... there isn't enough time in my day to name everything that I am thankful for, so please understand...
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
The following are areas of concern detected by the screening:
--You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be the product of many different disorders, both mental and physical.
--Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder
--Your symptoms point to Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder
--You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder
--Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder
--You experience some symptoms of simple Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of General anxiety Disorder
--You experience some symptoms of Panic disorder with Agoraphobia
now that you all know that I am crazy please don't just leave me comments like "Maybe you sohould see someone." because it I want to see someone I will and if I don't I won't... nothing you say will make me want to jump on the phone and find a 24 hour shrink to solve all my problems... K thanks...
oh and here is the link to the site before I get flooded with request for it.... these are the results from the "Do You Need Therapy" test I took some other ones but I don't feel like posting the results here...
I am not really angry or at least not right now... I am feeling very dicouraged and apathetic... lots of things are contributing to this but I think most of all it is just me... don't worry about me though... I do know that happiness is just a state of mind, I just haven't been very enthusiastic about getting there lately... I feel like I spend so much of my time pretending to be happy that when I blog, or write anything for that matter, I have to get out all the unhappy stuff... I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is how it is... I really wish that I could act how I feel, but I really don't want to do that because it would piss someone off or people would really think I was going crazy... sometimes I think I am going crazy... Maybe I just try too hard... I don't know... I just want things to be okay... with me... with everyone... anyways... that is all...
Monday, November 22, 2004
lots of stuff seems to be going on right now. very confused and disconected... there are lots of things going on in my head right now... angery at people for being stupid... feeling really alone right now... and I think I figured out what the problem is with me... I just want to feel like I am special... that is what the problem is... I just need to feel special... and he should make me feel special but he doesn't... most of the time he makes me feel like crap... anyways...
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Well, this has been deep and it makes me want to smoke and cry so I will stop for now... I am planning on posting things that I am thankful for soon... maybe not til after Tues night though so it will be new to everyone... we will see... Goodnight...
Friday, November 19, 2004
I wonder when roo is going to do my hair?
sorry random thoughts today... I really need to start Christmas shopping... Just not motivated... hopeing that I will go to sleep and wake up on New Year's, just skip the whole Christmas, family thing... so amyway what do you want for Christmas... I have no idea what to get anyone... Yeah... anyways... this isn't very entertaining.... nothing good going on... sorry....
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I feel like a slug this week... I haven't really read anything or accomplished anything for that matter... I did get the bills paid today... (yippee) so yeah.... this weekend should be fun... going to try to find something cool to do... maybe I will go christmas tree shopping... I would like to get one before thanksgiving so I can put it up Friday if there is time... we'll see.....
on a different note... I think that I almost figured something out last night.... (this may not make sense to anyone that doesn't know me real well but that is okay....) So here it is, my huge self revelation: I only feel really intense emotions, and most of the time that leaves me feeling numb because the emotion isn't intense enough for me to really feel it... anyway that was just one of those things that I finally figured out and now I don't know what to do with it so it will become a usless piece of info that will sit in my blog and rot.....
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
and in other news I have to go to my dad's on Sunday... now this wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that we are going to be celebrating Thanksgiving... that just brings up so many bad memories between me and my dad... I really wish that I didn't have to go... maybe I will come down with the flu or some other really bad illness between now and then.... probally not though and I will go up there and all will be well and then I will come home... that is how it always happens... I get so worked up over these things for nothing most of the time... anyway... I should go now...
here is debra's blog....:)
this may not make alot of sense... sorry I just feel very chaotic right now...
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the efforts to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels rather isolated and alone, but is too reserved to allow herself to form deep attachments. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being
Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.