Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
The rules are:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest
"Rosie and Nimrod rubbed their flanks.
Alyosha and Jean-Pierre have lost their luggage.
Singular antecedents joined by or or nor take a pronoun that's also singular.
Neither Nimbus nor Quercus will present his rosebud to the queen." -The Deluxe Transitive Vampire: the ultimate Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed by Karen gordon...
yep. I'm a geek
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Anyways this post isn't about me hurting, it is about me seeing hurting ppl. this past week my life seems to have been flooded with hurting ppl. All those ppl have been hurting to varying degrees, and have been connected to me in varying ways. I have seen myself handling the hurt in a couple different ways. I either stand back and watch the hurt, completely confused and angry at how 'this' could happen to 'them' or I choose to enter into the hurt with them, with much the same result as just watching but the 'them' changes to 'us'.
I think the hardest part of this is that some of these ppl that I have seen hurting this week didn't just start hurting this week. they have spent a lifetime hurting, and I just have to ask 'why?' I've heard and said all the "right" answers to this question, but it still doesn't make sense to me. why is it that some ppl continue to have painful things happen to them, almost daily, for their entire lives.
All this brings me right back to the place where I ask "if god really was good and all-powerful why would he allow these things?"
so maybe this does have soemthing to do with me, but it isn't just me. and somehow that doesn't make it any easier.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
edit: the link is fixed
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
lingering in every corner
penetrating my soul
and leaving me hopeless
Monday, November 06, 2006
- bleeding takes alot less energy than it used to. not such a great thing but it is ture. it also take alot less (almost no) conscious thought. these things scare me, but right now I have no desire to change them
- christmas is approaching way too rapidly. I don't like this at all, but there is nothing I can do about it. I like that even less.
- i am very sad right now and i'm just not so sure why. I mean, yes, I am sur there are a thousand reasons for me to be sad, none of them seem to fit right now though. just overwhelming sadness, and no one around to share it with (i'm sure your glad you aren't around right now.)
- I really need to reconnect with certain ppl. they are good for me. i miss them. I will work on that
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
far too long
I need to let go
or at least hold
it more loosely
and you know
just how hard that is
but I'm too tired
grasping for things
I can not reach
and clinging to things
that were never mine
today's been tough. this week will be tough. I don't like this, not one bit....
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
"More often than not, even one divorce could leave a woman discarded like trash, homeless, without resources or support. But for some reason, men continue to pursue her. She continues to survive. Yes, she is provocative, amazing, and even secretly admired by men and women."
-- all I could think when I read that was that I want that to be said of me. I want to contunue to survie, I want to be pursued. I want to be provocative and amazing! but I feel alot more like trash, worthless, and unloveable.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
and I have a problem. there are a couple ppl in my life right now that are just not very helpful. it isn't their fault, I think they just don't understand. they want to be encouraging, but it comes across as arrogance, and it is just hurtful. it adds to the guilt and shame that I already have. I know the best thing is let them know that I hear what they are saying but I'm just not in a place where that is my reality. but that is alot easier said than done. right now it all just makes me angry. I recognize that very few ppl are going to be able to understand my pain and my reality right now, but I just wish the ppl that really can't understand it wouldn't try to pretend they do. is that too much to ask.
here is something I wrote a few days ago that might help...
I need you to...
...listen when I talk, and recognize that when I don't say anything that I am still hurting, but I just can't find any words to explain it.
...be ok with me venting and whining and being angry for what may seem like no good reason
...call me, just to say 'hi', I found out this week how much that really can chnage things
...not be convinced so easily that I am ok when I say I'm ok, most of the time that is just the easy thing to say, and what I think you want to hear
...sit with me while I cry. most of the people I cry with right now can't be physically present in my life right now, it would be nice to know that there are people locally that I can cry with.
I know that doesn't help alot. I know ppl want to know what they can physically do but really, I don't know. I mean-- food taken care of. got clothes, and a place to live. when I run across something I need I will let ya know, but really, I need emotional support more than anything. I feel like most of my really good friends are far away (either physically distant or just dealing with their own shit so they need space too) maybe that is hard to understand too though....
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
All that on top of the fact that I feel like a really big failure right now. it's all just confusing and it hurts alot
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I came across this quote this week. It stood out to me because of all the people that have filtered in and out of my life recently. since I came across this quote I have seen it played out many times in my life. lots of old friends have randomly re-entered my life. I like the way that happens when we need it most. It feels like a big hug when you feel alone. I love my friends, the old ones and the new ones. today has been a day full of friends, and I think it is just gonna keep going for a little while....
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Friday, June 09, 2006
Thursday, June 01, 2006
my life was broken
into a million pieces
and I stood alone in the wreckage
I was left
to pick up the pieces
and put them
back together again
only when they were back together
there were still holes
that I wonder
if ever existed
to begin with
And here I am
now six weeks later
still clinging to
and the fragments
that I was able to salvage.
That's right this whole ordeal has been going on for 6 weeks (well really it has been longer than that, but 6 weeks ago is a good place to start the timetable) To me it seems like it has been 6 years, or maybe 6 lifetimes. to most ppl it seems like it all just started yesterday, and to some ppl it seems nothing has changed at all...
Today was hard, maybe not so much because it made 6 full weeks, but just because I realized how little I had accomplished, and I feel like I am in the same place I was 5 years ago. I feel pretty alone and disconnected right now. nothing seems to help much. conversations never last long enough, and ppl are too far away...
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
I was thinking about how Jesus interacted with sinner during his life. With sinners he was never pushy or rude, so why is it that the church thinks they have a right to be pushy and rude? why is it that we can't learn from Jesus and be tender and gentle with sinners, after all they are the ones that need it most. we tend to do just the opposite of what Jesus did. We beat up sinners and we gentle with religious ppl... that just doesn't sit well with me. Thankfully I am not in a church that likes to beat up sinners, but I know alot of ppl that are or have been. Those ppl have consumed my thoughts today. I hope they find a church (or even just a random group of ppl) that is willing to be Jesus to them, because that is when healing will begin.
Last night M and I talked about asking for what we need. I don't think I do that very well. The ppl around me have been/are great about helping me out, and making sure I am taken care of, at least physically. but when they ask what I need I have trouble figuring it out. I think I realized last night that it is because I always assume they want to know what I physically need, and most of that is taken care of for the moment. So I think I am gonna spend sometime trying to figure out what I need that other ppl can give me. That leads to isseus too though. I don't want to ask for what I need because I don't want to become whiney or needy. I feel like I am both right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time before every one get tired of me, and my situation, and they will leave my life (or ask me to leave theirs.)
And there is another issue right now, something that I am just pretending isn't there in hopes that it will go away. At this point that isn't looking very likely thoguh. So maybe I should work on taking care of it today too.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
~i'm not convinced that it can happen at least not for me...
2. Do you bite your toenails?
~no, but I did until I was in high school
3. Are you a jealous person?
4. What are you allergic to?
~sour cream, and all those plants that make you itchy
5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
~lots of books make me cry the most recent was Blessed Are the Desperate For they Will Find Hope
6. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
~yes, but I have come to expect it from alot of ppl
7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
~cookie dough, or Cotton Candy Explosion from that one place by where I used to live
8. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
~I'd tell them that I didn't want to date them (but I don't think I will ever have that problem)
9. What would you rather be doing right now?
~sleeping, or maybe talking to someone
10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
~Gravity by Allison Krauss
12. What did you dress up as for last Halloween?
~last halloween, nothing
13. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
~haven't watched TV in over a month but I was an avid LOST fan
14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
~currently the same sex (Most men suck)
15. Can others make you cry easily?
~not really, there are a couple of ppl that can though
16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
~I think here lately I have been mostly pissed at myself
17. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
~not all that much
19. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
20. Were you a "planned" child?
21. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
~I currently have 4 pairs in my posession, but I own alot
22. What was the last thing to scare you?
23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
~about 6 to function most of the time, right now it is alot more though
24. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
~Southern Comfort and Diet coke, or good wine
25. When was the last time you slept on the floor? )
~a couple weeks ago....
26. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
~physical attractiveness is all relative anyway
27. What personality traits are a must-have in the opposite sex?
~loving, kind, patient, we could go on forever...
28. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
~only if I don't have to take 2 preschool kids alone on an airplane
29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
30. Have you ever dated someone out of your religion?
31. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
~if he asks...
32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
~yes, and hopefully soon....
33. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
~I wish more than I plan these days, but that is starting to change a bit
34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
~I can speak some french, I was only one semester away from having a minor in it
35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
36. What movies do you know every line to?
~Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and Fight Club
37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
39. When was the last time someone hit you?
~been a while
40. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
~depends on what it is of and who is in it
41. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
~do they make shoes that aren't flip-flops?
42. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~potatoes and something...
43. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
~one older sis
44. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
~I try to do sweet things all the time
45. When was your last road trip?
~does yesterday count?
46. Name 3 schools you went to:
~University of Southern MS, Warren Central High, Culkin Elementary
47. Name 3 things in your pockets/wallet:
~changes, lighter, paper with a phone # on it
48. Three names you go by:
~lisa, mommy, hey you
49. Who is in the house with you?
~the little ppl
50. Who are you thinking about right now?
I'm not telling
51. How tall are you barefoot?
52. Have you ever smoked heroin?
53. Do you own a gun?
54. Do you have a crush on someone?
~If I told you I might have to kill you
55. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
~yeah, parents don't like me much
56. What do you think of hotdogs?
~they were ment to be dipped in batter and cooked til golden brown
57. What's your favorite Christmas song?
~the ones I haven't ever heard
58. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
~coffee or diet coke
59. Do you do push-ups?
60. Have you ever done ecstasy?
62. Do you like painkillers?
63. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
~well, whatever it is it only lures the wrong kinda guys so it must not be too good
64. Do you own a knife?
65. Do you have A.D.D.?
66. Middle Name?
67. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
~it's almost time to go, I am still tired, I need to figure this out
68. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
~a soda, dinner last night, stamps
69. Name five drinks you regularly drink?
~water, coffee, diet coke... those are the only things I drink regularly
70. What time did you wake up today?
71. Current worry?
~you would be here all day
72. Have you ever been in love?
73. Current hate?
74. Favorite place to be?
~the beach or the mountains
75. Least favorite place to be?
~alive most days
76. Where do you want to be?
~with someone that loves me
77. Do you own slippers?
78. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
~I don't even know where I will be tomorrow
79. Do you burn or tan?
80. Favorite color?
~black and pink
81. Would you be a pirate?
~I don't think so
82. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
~night before last
83. What songs do you sing in the shower?
~most of the time I don't
84. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
85. What's in your pockets right now?
86. Last thing that made you laugh?
~a conversation with my sweet friend
87. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
~any were fine
88. Worst injury you've ever had?
~broke my wrist in 6th grade and broke all my toes one summer
90. How many TVs do you have in your house?
~I don't have a house
91. Who is your loudest friend?
~most of my friends are pretty loud
92. Who is your most silent friend?
93. Does someone have a crush on you?
94. Do you wish on stars?
~no but I love to look at them
95. What is your favorite book?
~too many to name
96. What is your favorite candy?
~regular Hershey's bar
97. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
~doesn't matter anymore...
98. What song do you want played at your funeral?
~play whatever you want I will be gone
99. What were you doing 12AM last night?
~I was actually sleeping last night
100. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
~I should go back to sleep
Friday, May 26, 2006
-reconnected with a friend that I haven't heard from in months. It is good to have this person in my life, good for both of us....
-I've been really supported by some unlikely ppl this week, one's that have been in the background for most of this ordeal, but have stepped up this week an shown they cared
-got to working on the plan, not just planing it (more to come on this in the near future)
-started believing God may like me just a little bit.
-Felt things (good things) that I haven't felt in a while
-haven't cut in 2 days now
ok, so right now that is all the good stuff I can think of. oh wait one more thing...Found out that I have gone down 3 pants sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (2 in the last month)
so tomorrow I will be taking a road trip to TX... still not sure how I feel about it. I am going alone, so it is going to be long, but I think it will be good. it will give me time to work some stuff out that is running around in my head. I never thought that I would be dealing with some of the thoughts, feelings, issues, ect. that I am right now. it makes everything harder. and God still seems pretty darn far away, and that makes it tough too. but I think I am moving in the right direction. That direction being toward Him and His love. nights like tonight make me feel like He might really love me. and it is the little things that make it feel like that, like conversations with friends and pink furry hats, and hamster key chains. that is where I am finding God's love these days...
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
any suggestions on how to get over this, or books that might help, are welcomed.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
right now I feel like this whole situation might me the direct result of me praying that God would allow me to see what true community is, how it looks, and how it functions in the midst of the disfunction of life. This really isn't what I had in mind when I asked for that. I didn't mean for my life to fall apart.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Right now I want to talk about Jesus. I think I have talked about "jesus experiences" here but this is almost more than that. For my whole life I alway thought something was missing from the churches I attened, now I am beginning to wonder if that thing has been Jesus, or at least the real Jesus. thinking about the past couple of week and how my community of faith has responded makes me see a really good picture (not perfect by any means but better than anything I have seen before) of who the Bible portrays Jesus as. I mean I have seen other ppl go through similar things inside a church environment and they come out more beaten up by the church than the situation. Jesus didn't go around beating up ppl that were already broken and wounded. He was there to give them comfort, not to condemn them. He was there to offer what he could, not tell them they aren't doing enough. he was there to love them, not judge them. He came for the sick and wounded not the rightous. anyways, the community that I have been blessed to be a part of for not even a full year has really come together to love on me. and I have no doubt that that love will continue. I just wish all churches could be Jesus to ppl like this. my wish is that everyone could have a community of amazing ppl like I have here.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
oh and for those that knew anything about the would-be internship, I emialed them and told them I no longer wanted to be considered. there was alot more to it than that (including several phone calls) and all is well. so that is where life is.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
so my thoughts on house churches a year later...
I still think they are deffinatly doable. it is a great concept. I think it does take alot of passion, & support. Last year there where 5 or 6 (I could go look it up but I don't feel like it) house church that came out of RTPC. I was excited., but it all came crashing down. there were too many ppl that thought they were in charge (or wanted to be) and no one wanted to care about the other ppl. it all became a power struggle.
we left the house churches for a couple of reasons. 1. it felt too exclusive. it was worse than a big church that felt like a country club. there was no way for an outsider to break into these groups. 2. I could take feeling inferior, whether or not it was intended to be that way, that is how it felt
3. the pain was way too much. even before the split to house churches happened there was alot of pain and house churches seemed to make that pain explode.
all in all I am now 100% sure that it was time to leave. we are now in a good place (not a perfect place)
Do I think house churches are bad. well no way. I have some friends who are very involved in the house church movement and amazingly great things are being done through their churches. But I don't think it is for everyone. I think that if you go into expecting to escape form the horrors of the institutional church, then it isn't going to work. I think that if you love ppl that have been beaten and abused by church to the point they refuse to go near a church building, then you may have something with house churches. I think it takes alot of dedication and suffering to see the fruit of house churches.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
I'm still thinking about it. it might consume me for a while. some more thoughts that came after re-reading the story today......
Jesus can only heal someone who lets him heal them.... they may not be looking for it, but they need to be willing. I think that is alot of my problem. I want to be the one that heals myself.
The woman wasn't looking to be healed, she wasn't expecting to be healed. She knew the laws about the Sabbath. but Jesus saw her, and healed her. Maybe healing doesn't always come from where we think it should. and this woman had lived like this for 18 years. she had learned to deal with her problem. she had learned how to live in spite of her problems. maybe that is where I need to start. maybe I need to learn how to live in spite of my faults, and problems.....
the other thing is that this lady was visible, her problems were visible. Jesus saw her. that is tough. making my issues visible. that seems way to hazardous to me. the whole rejection thing comes into play...
oh another thought on this.... I bet the lady didn't wake up that morning thinking she was going to be healed. she went to the synagogue because she was jewish and that is what she did. I think alot of times I go to church expecting something to happen, expecting to be healed, even if it is tiny bit of healing that I am expecting. alot of times I probably miss so much of what is going on because I am too busy saying "Ok God I'm here at church now fix this or that".
so... yeah... those are my thoughts. that is where I am.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
other than that, life has been uneventful. I am in the process of thinking about something... (yeah that was really descriptive) I don't think anything will come out of it for a while, but it is really where I want to go with life. time will tell I suppose. I just wish I knew for sure that it was what I was supposed to be spending any and all my time on. right now I feel kind of stuck, and disconnected. I don't know. lots of thinking going on, but doesn't seem like there is much doing....
Monday, February 13, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
saw Brokeback mountain Sat night. it was fun and spontaneous. I am glad I got invited, and I am glad I went. still forming thoughts on the movie itself. it was intense. I also created a me space yesterday, and used it last night for a while. it needs a lamp, I think I might go look for one today at some point. I also need some more candles so I don't have to relocate the other ones in my house. and I still need to find a belt for my vaccum cleaner so I can vacuum. my floors look so bad.
this week has lots of promise. I am pretty excited. I might get things accomplished and such. and I will most definitely get to have contact with other ppl. I guess I need to feed some little ppl and get to work on being productive....
Thursday, January 26, 2006
I love being at home. I really love getting to see my kids grow up, and all the fun things they do. but at the same time I really want contact with the outside world.
maybe it has just been a bad week...
Monday, January 23, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
I think it all has alot to do with growing up, or at least realizing that I have responsibilities that don't go well with the not so grown up life style. And then I see all the fun things that I get out of it. all the happy little moments that seem so divinely appointed. these aren't the same things that would have made me a happy a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth all that I fear losing. Sometimes I think they are, but other times I'm not so sure.
I am trying desperatly to cling to relationships that are far beyond dysfunctional. Relationships that should have been let go of along time ago, but loss is too hard, even when I know it is for the best for everyone involved. why the hell is change so fucking hard.....
Monday, January 16, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Monday, January 02, 2006
the girl stood there for a min looking like she might cry soon and then she said "I'm almost a teenager, I just want to look cool like her" she was pointing to me. her mom looked at me, and then drug her to the other end of the candle aisle as if being another few feet away I wouldn't be able to hear their conversation. the mom said "you don't want to be like her. she can't be any older than 16 or 17, and she has 2 kids. she probably had to drop out of high school because she got pregnant by some boy who doesn't even like her. she isn't cool at all, she is probably a depressed drug addict"
WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to say so much, but I didn't say anything. I just walked away with my yummy rasberry candle and my little ppl. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she really shouldn't make assumtions about ppl. I wanted to tell her that I was 25, I graduated in the top 5 percent of my class, that I had been off drugs for almost 5 and a half years, that my kids have a dad that loves them very much..... but I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't look anything like this if I were all the things she thought I was, but I just took my candle and left.
so my question is, what did you think about me the first time you saw me?