Thoughts on Million Dollar Baby...

yes this is really going to be about Million Dollar Baby, not just the blurb that was in the last post.... this movie was very emotional, because it was so real, and i felt like I was there I was her....
some observations....
-He wasn't just her trainer, he was her savior, even to the point of freeing her into death.....

-She was me, she was you, she was us.... the normal everyday ppl with a dream. she fought hard, she gave her all, and in the end she got unfairly blindsided, and her dream was over just as quickly as it started... If we listen, and give our all, we too will live the lives we were intended to live, but it could always end with one harsh blow to the head when we aren't looking, we aren't promised anything more

-the priest was busy, to preoccupied with being holy and religious to see ppl. He believed what he wanted to believe. more times than not the church is to busy being holy to notice the ppl begging for answers right outside our doors.....

-her boxing name given to her by the trainer was beautiful, she truly was his darling. they became family to each other. she was his joy, his life, his accomplishment. We are the Darlings of Christ when we become all he knows we can be.

- his daughter was a mystery. she refused contact with him. maybe I missed it, but I don't remember hearing why this was. He tried to reach out to her, writing every day, but never with any response. Is this how God feels when he is trying to get our attention, but we are just too busy to hear or care what He is doing?

Million Dollar Baby

o went to see Million Dollar Baby yesterday and it was GREAT. I did cry but I bet you did too if you have seen the movie. I am still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. It was very painful to watch parts of it; I felt so helpless....

Today was Easter, and I decided to be all sacrilegious and not go to church. Really I overslept and so I didn't go, but that is okay as I wasn't going to my church, and I ended up have a great family day here at the house. We did read the crucifixion and resurrection story from the Bible, and it wasn't like we treated it just like any other day, we just didn't go to church.... I think this is the first year in my whole life I haven't gone to church and just been busy doing all things religious on Easter. It was really nice, and I had time to think about Easter, and not just "play" Easter....I think that so much of the time we get caught up in doing the "church" thing or at least trying to be religious, that we forget WHY we do things. This year was a nice break from religion....

this post has been deleted, it will soon be replaced by a much happier post on the movie I finally saw... Million Dollar Baby

GOOD FRIDAY

today has been great! I went to the Good Friday service at Journey tonight and it was amazing! Very powerful, and it was great to get to experience a different type of worship than what I have grown acustome to.. We are going to go to the Easter Celebration at Smith park on Sunday... it should be great as well. other than that I have spent today being somewhat productive. Finally got some summer clothes (it was 82 here today) and I also tried to blow up my house.... ok well I didn't really try to but it almost happened.... after shopping I came home and the whole place smelled of gas.... i opened some windows and then went in search of the porblem.... it was the stinkin pilot light on the stove. it had went out so there was gas leaking into my house.... I lit it and all was well, but ever since I have had the worst headache ever..... ugh... I think I will go to bed soon and hope the head ache goes away... oh and hubby has decided that I get the day off tomorrow !!!! :) I might catch a movie.... and suggestions? other than that I will probably just take the lap top out somewhere and write.... I like to do that....

Look it is me!!!

look it is a GOOD pic of me! thanks to my big sis!


so finally I have a pic that I acctually like! I think it is a miricale.... not that other pics of me are bad, just not as good as I wish they were... The funny thing about this pic is that my sister took it on Sunday and it was supposed to turn out crappy. we planned it that way but instead it was good, maybe I should plan for more picks to turn out bad. hmmmmmm just a thought

the long awaited shoes 

here is a closeup of the laces 

I should...

I should blog something so you ppl (what all 4 of you now) aren't bored when you come here...
I should sleep at some point....
I should do something productive....
I should keep in touch with ppl better...
I should be more encouraging....
I should eat more regularly....
I should be more honest....
I should work on the book....
I should read more....
I should be less apathetic...
I should get my sewing machine back....
I should RAK some ppl....
I should go shopping...
I should remember to make an eye appointment...
I should be more diligent...
I should be nicer...
I should stop this list and do soemthing....

Reson # 568

so here is reason #568 why i hate being a stay-at -home mom (I don't really hate it but today hasn't been a good day, take what I say with only a grain of salt) When I need to talk there is no one around.... UGH I hate it.... I really want someone to be around (someone I trust not just some random person that wants to fight about things) but everyone is working, or sleeping, or having a life apart from me.... most days this really is okay, I know the world doesn't revolve around me.... but today I need to talk (even though I don't know about what) and there is no one..... UGH!!!!

seems to be the thing to do

so talking about the Scott Peterson verdict seems to be the thing to do, so I shall jump on the wagon... in case you have been leading a more of a sheltered life than me, he was sentenced to death today... my emotional side says kill the a**hole.... I mean he killed his wife and their child.... if he doesn't deserve death who does.... and then there is another part of me says that no one deserves death for anything, and he should be given a chance to repent and we should show him the grace and love that God showed us.... I am still so torn over the whole deth penalty issue...

as promised something insightful....

this is something that came out of a conversation I had the other night.... (I hope you don't mind me quoting you and yes I saved the conversation so I could re-read it and ponder)

Luckily, God said to stop trying to measure up and instead start trying to relate, to God and to each other.

I think that is what is all boils down to.... Relating.... We already know we are NEVER going to be perfect, so we shouldn't spend so much time worrying about not being perfect.... we need to instead spend time trying to understand and encourage each other, and then we might find that we learn to understand God better in the process...

Part of what went on in the New Testament church was confession... but they didn't confess their sins so that they could be looked down upon or shunned by those that were better than them.... they confessed their sins to each other so they could hole each other accountable and encourage each other.... so they could relate to each other....

Sadly we have, for the most part, lost that art. The art of confession and the art of relating have become things that are seldom practiced in the church today.... we are too worried about beating ppl up with the Bible, and how we interpret what God has to say, to even begin to think that we can relate to each others problems.... and we are too afraid to confess out sins because we don't want to be rejected by those we consider closest to us.... we don't want to be thought of as bad ppl.... so we stay stuck in our runt of not confessing and not relating.... something needs to change.... something HAS to change.... ppl think Christians are hypocrites because for the most part we ARE! we talk so lavishly about having a loving relationship with God, but we REFUSE to have loving relationships with each other......

phone numbers....

if you don't live in MS you probably won't care at all about this post (just thought I would warn all 2 of you) as of today to call anyone in the our local area (the 601 area code) you will have to dial 10 digits instead of just 7.... I promise I am not so lazy that dialing three extra digits is going to keep me from making phone call (not that I make many in the first place) but I do have a question... Are there really so many ppl in the 601 area code that they are running out of #'s so they have to add a new area code? (this is the reason stated for changing to 10 digit dialing, they are having to add another area code because they have run out of, or anticipate running out of soon, 601 #'s) I know that most states have tons of area codes and MS, until this point, has only had 2, but are there that many ppl here? I don't mind having to dial 3 more numbers (even though it was somewhat of a hassle this morning when I lost my dial up connection, yes I still have dial up, and it was after midnight so I had to go in and change the way the #'s are dialed so I could get back online and finish what I was doing) I am just wondering how necessary it all really is.... sorry for boring you all with this....

song lyric

I don't typically post song lyrics, but I feel like it tonight..... don't read too much into it, I didn't write the song, I just like it.....


Peice of Glass

Can't believe I did it again
wake me up from this nightmare
Cuz this monsters filling me up
filling me out
and everyday I live a bit less
one night leads to another.
Even if I went back they wouldn't recognize me
Criticize me.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I can't tell if your telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
after all you're just a peice of glass

Still this nightmare's all mine
When I call Him He answers
I can tell him when to com
when to stay
but sometimes I'm weaker than he is.
Is he just letting me win?
He can tell me when to com
when to stay.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
telling me that I' m just a trace of the person I once was
cuz I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
After all your just a peice of glass.

Don't talk
Listen.
Hold me
tighter.
Stay with me just for a while
until the sun shines stay with me
just give me one more day.
Who are you that lies
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person you once knew
Cause we're not the same
you're just a piture of me
You're gone as soon as I leave
You've lived my life for me
and you're no more than just a peice of glass....



-Ceadmon's Call

Different lifetime

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.... to go back and read things I wrote 10 yrs ago... I don't remember 10 yrs ago, and I don't really care to... it was a whole different life, or at least that is how it seems when I go back and read the things that a scribbled on sheets of paper, napkins, and torn paper bags.... I guess that is what happens when you grow up, all the thngs from your past seem like a different life... it is tough reading about things that happened then.... It makes me cry to know who I was... and then there is the ocassional thing that makes me long to be in that life again... it was a different reality that I lived in.... and in some odd way I loved it there... But I can't go back... We can never really go back to the past... we can't redo our mistakes, or relive any of the greaat times.... they are all ust memories, even if only on paper, and not in our minds.... it is going to take a while to sift through the past 10 yrs of my life.... but when I finish I will let you know how it turned out....

thinking

I had this conversation with someone today about writing... it made me want to write again.. don't worry I didn't write anything new (cept for this post of course) but it got me thinking... maybe I really should write something.... I feel like I have alot to say.... so now I will spend the next week or two going through all the things I have written trying to decide what is crap and what is almost good... then I may post some of it over in my poetry blog....then I might write something new... wouldn't that be a treat... but for now all I have done is dig out the stack of all the stuff I have written that isn't in the comp yet and it is sitting on my desk and on the floor around my desk, and some of it has spilled over into the kitchen.... yes there is quite a bit of it... my writing was called edgy/real/transparent today.... why would anyone want to read my edgy/real/transparant crap when they are living there own? I have no doubt that I will never stop writing, but will I ever really write? okay it is 1:30 in the morning and I am making very little sense now, or maybe you understand completly.... if you do, thank you.... if you don't, I am sorry to have bothered you...

oh and thanks for getting me stared again, you mystirous friend.... I am always much happier when I write.... so thank you.... :)

new poetry

just thought I would let you guys know that there is a new poem here
yeah that is all for now....

why?

okay why do you ppl have to be rude in comments on my blog? I don't know if the anonymous poster meant to be rude or not, but the only reason I allow anonymous comments is b/c I do have friends that don't have blogs.... PLEASE don't go off assuming you know me in my comments when you don't, and if you do know me tell me who you are..... do you really need to know was your question, and maybe my friends do need to know....you however DON'T get the privilege of knowing because you didn't tell me who you are..... if rude anonymous comments continue I will be forced to not allow anonymous comments....

last nights drama

okay so I has already typed out my last post early yesterday afternoon (for those that I talked to that would have been right after I was crying so hard I thought I would throw up) anyways, so I posted it lastnight and completely for got about the events of the night that needed to be told... well the girls were playing as they usually do and C squatted down for a second and when she stood up she hit S in the chin causeing S to bite her tounge.... poor baby.... welll as it is gushing blood we are trying to figure out what to do so I call mom.... she says to bring her over and I do... after looking at it for all of 2 mins she says that I can take her to the hospital and they will make it stop bleeding or I can just go home and wait for it to stop on its own, but that they probably wouldn't stitch it.... so we go home, she gets some children's pain realiever stuff and is off to bed... that was our fun night.... and Roo was here so she got to experience the whole thing with us.... oh the fun... this morning it has stopped bleeding but still looks gross, we will have to keep an eye on it so it doesn't get infected, but she is going to be ok...

todays thoughts...

Let me start my saying that most days I love being a mom and I love being able to stay home with my adorable little girls, but there are the occasional days that I dream about doing other things…. Getting out and being someone else… that is what this is about….

Being a mom is tough work…. I should know because that has been my primary occupation for the past 4 plus years….you don’t get sick days, or vacations… you have to be there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year… when you do happen to go away you can’t help but feel guilty about leaving, and in the back of your mind you know when you get home you will have to work twice as hard to get life back to the way it was before you left… Unless you die you work… now I know there are a lot of ppl that think being a mom isn’t work at all, you just play all day long and then you go to sleep only to wake up the next morning to do it all again… YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WRONG YOU ARE!!! Mom’s are not only the caregivers for the children at home the are also the disciplinarians during the day, the cook, the maid, the story teller, the chauffer, the all purpose what ever you need lady…. And when you aren’t doing one of those things you are thinking about doing those things…. No matter how sick or tired or stressed out you may be by the rest of life you have to go on because if you don’t, if won’t get done… if it doesn’t get done, then someone calls child protective services on you and your precious little ones are given to someone more competent than you…. This is way more stressful than being the CEO of a company, you can always get a new job, but you can’t always get back your little ones…. And one of the worst things is there is very rarely a thank you or anything…. At least in your everyday stressful job you get a compensation at the end of the week, not to mention a day off. But here as a mom you get nothing… you get none of the respect of someone that has gone to school, gotten a degree, and nice day job. You get none of the perks that go with leaving your work at work and your home at home. But occasionally you get a slobbery kiss or a hug from little arm… it almost makes up for all the rest…

just cuz I feel like reliving the horror...

Dec 2003...

Friday night we met up at the church to leave.... there where 8 kids and 3 adults mydelf being the only female..... I rode with L because I didn't know him and everyone else did... the first thing he says to me as we start the hour drive to the retreat place is "Do you know what you are getting into?" now at this point I thought I knew at least a couple of the kids pretty well, but what was to come I could have never expected.... L and I chatted for the next hour about the kids, life, and pretty much all the things that should be chatted about when you meet someone and 5 mins later get in the car with them.... we arrive at CH.... all the kids are still in one peice and we retrive out lugage from the van got settled and M and I left to get pizza.... upon arriving back the fun began... it was really all girls wanting to be the center of attnetion, but it sucked because they made the rest of the weekend HARD.... there was ODing on meds for depression and anxiety, there was running off into the woods, and there was just in general insanity all weekend long.... I didn't sleep at all and I had to take finals monday morning.... Sunday morning Finally came and we loaded up in the van and went home.... so sunday night I finally got to go home and sleep a bit... Monday morning came... I took my first final and then went to sit in the courtyard.... I wanted to have it out with God... Why did He make me go on this aweful trip? why didn't He do great things while we were there? so I sat there going over the weekend in my head trying to find something, anything that was remotly positive about the weekend.... and nothing came to mind. So right then and there I vowed to NEVER do anything with these kids again... by the end of the day I somehow understood what God did this weekend and that I would never not work with these kids.... I got home and had 3 calls from teens that were on that trip... the rest is history, but that is the trip where I found my passion, however hard it may be, this is what God made me to do....

happy memories...

hmmmmm.. where do I even start.... I remember walking in for the first time and feeling like I was at home.... Dec. 2003: central hills(it is a good memoriy in retrospect), need I say more... April 2004: central hills (that was fun).... mexico.... small groups... all the nights at the park... being mad... the artery... cups... man so many memories... it has been a crazy adventure, and it will continue... and who knows where we will be 2 yrs from now, cept for God....

today is the day..

well, today is the day.... the end of something, and the begining of another.... it is very bittersweet. for those of you that haven't been keeping up tonight will be our last meeting at RTPC before going to house churches.... I love the idea of house churches, but I will greatly miss RTPC as it is now... over the past week I have spent alot of time thinking about the past 2 yrs and how I have changed so much largly because of RTPC... It IS family! I think this is the first time I have really understood the real meaning of community. maybe it is because I am older now, or because this is the church I choose to go to, not one that I am told I have to go to... Or maybe it is because we have all made an effort to grso what community really is... now don't get me wrong, there are things that happened that I wish I could change, but I think they all happened to create this moment in time.... RTPC has been around for almost 3 yrs and I think that every second of that time, since the very first thought of RTPC, has worked together to create what is about to happen. It is going to be big! it may seem small, but it is going to be big in the ppls lives that continue to perserve through the trials with the rest of the house churches, here and across America.... things are changing, there will be tears and laughter, but at the end of the night I know that God is going to smile on us because we are doing what He has called us to do!

I really hate

I really hate how RUDE ppl can be.... sometimes it is because of thier ownd ignorance and I understand that but I really wish that ppl who don't know what they are talking about would just keep their mouths shut!!! I mean come on ppl... you don't always know all the circumstances suronding a stiuation so why on earth do you feel the need to judge the ppl involved and bad mouth them.... there are almost always exceptions to the rules...

And then there are ppl that are rude just for the sake of being rude.... what's up with that? you really shouldn't go around stomping on ppl just because you can...

yes i a refering to specific incidents here.... don't worry it probably wasn't something YOU did and if it is when I see you again you will know for sure.... there just seems to have been an outpouring of rude lately (and it wasn't even the I love you and I am just picking on you kinda rude that we all like from time to time), and really it wasn't even directed in my general direction, but it was still rude none the less.... I know I have let one of the offending parties know how I feel, and I am considering ways to let the other know how I feel.... It is just really annoying ...


Ignorance is NOT bliss!!!!!!!

for roo and some other stuff

first of all ROO--- I tried to leave another comment on your blog but it was being anal and wouldn't let me, so what time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow????

in other news, I feel like crap.... not really sick crap, but I have had a fever all week and I am tired... so it is kinds wearing me down....and tim asked if I got a phone call today... I did get a phone call or 2 today but nothing out of the ordinary that would make me wonder why in the world is this person calling me... he wouldn't tell me who it was that was supposed to call so now I have to wait til he gets home to find out.... hmmmmm..... and I finally got tim's tire patched so he will not have to put air in it every morning now... :) other than that I took a nap and did nothing.... just trying to rest for this weekends festivities...

times like this

it is times like this when I really hate life.... I wonder why I was allowed to live this long.... I know that everything happens for a reason but this sucks.... I just want to go away, somewhere that there are no ppl... just me.... thinking out loud.... this makes no sense to you, but that is okay.... I haven't done anything yet (so you can put your minds at ease for now) but I know this day is just going to get worse, so who knows what will happen.

I had an awful dream last night... basically he left and took the girls with him... then I killed myself... would this ever happen in real life.... who knows.... it makes me sad though....