Escaping Reality...

Dehydration is my current drug of choice....

I am depressed. I feel so... I don't even know. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good wife and mom, but I feel like I have failed. and I want to be who ppl think I am, but I can't. I guess I am just at one of those points right now. I am so mad at some of the stupid decisions I have made. I am mad that it took me 23 yrs to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, and I am mad that I can't do it. I hate that I am at this place again. I feel so helpless. and I hate that it is all my fault that I am here. I look back and I see that my whole life has pointed me to what I was made to do, but I was just to stupid to realize it. now I feel like it is to late. and now I feel like I have to settle for less than that because of the choices I have made.




escaping reality sounds real nice about right now.....

Is it worth it?

Over the pst 48 hours I've found myself asking is the $$ really worth it. I keep telling myself it is only a year, but every day I believe it less and less. Not that I think I will have to do it longer than a year, but it is so much more than JUST a year. It is on e ENTIRE year out of the short time they are little. It is the last year that my oldest will be home all the time. It is an entire year, wasted, lost. I will NEVER be able to get it back. It is 2080 hours that won;t be spent getting big bear hugs and sloppy little drool face kisses. All for what? some stupid money? Why the HELL is it so important! money doesn't even last. Time, that is what is important. and I feel like I am losing the precious little time I have....

today was crappy. I couldn't do anything right at all. I feel like crap. Hubby told me tonight that he really doesn't like his job as much as he has pretended. he doesn't want to stay there, but I think he will stay for a while longer. I think he wants to see what happens once he gets past the 90 day mark. from the sounds of it they want to promote him. he is good at what he is doing, he just doesn't like it. I don't know. I am too tired to think straight.

nothing

I've got nothing insightful to say. I very rarely have anything insightful to say anymore. The other night ruby and I were sitting around connecting some rather bizzare dots that have appeared over the last year. it is amazing what you can come up with when you aren't given all the information on a situation and are forced to come up with your own conclusion. we didn't have church last night, but ruby stopped by. It didn't seem like much of anyone cared that we didn't have church. it all seems so weird now. sorry for those of you that are left clueless by this post, it is really just a random attempt to find something worth talking about. it is almost July. not that that means much of anything special, cept bob and andrew will be in MS. and my birthday is close. well enough of the random posting, at least you all know I am still alive. thats something, right?

I need to sleep. but I feel very distracted right now. I don't really know why. I just can't focus on anything, not even sleep. how pathetic is that. I took some tynenol pm a little while ago (yes still in pain, but getting used to it now) so hopefully I will just pass out soon. this is going to be a long week. He is going to have to take the girls to mom's house in the morning and I will pick them up in the afternoon. I hope he desn't get too stressed out by the added hassle to his routine. well, off to be now, really!

maybe I should blog today. I don't have much to say. I feel like I am going to pass out. and I have to be awake at 5:30 in the morning. and on top of it all I have a little person sitting on the other side of the room screaming for no reason at all... blah

I'm tired... I think I should take a nap. but I am waiting for roo to get back so I can go with her to do some stuff. oh I was told to let everyone know that she (ROO) ate at a buffet last night. she isn't dead. and it was her idea to eat there. I just want to sleep right now. very tired... balh

today

I did something increadibly out of charater for me today, but I am glad I did it. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much you dislike someone you can put that behind you if it is really important, and it was. I also think Christians are increadibly to quick to judge ppl on their past mistakes. Part of being a Christian is forgiving ppl. I am sorry to those that I have judged because of things in their past. I think I will look at things differently now though.

Back here again...

I keep coming back to community. This can't be community. ppl don't even talk to each other. I don't think most of them even like each other. how on earth are we supposed to do this? we don't trust each other, we are prejudice of each other... we end up just sitting around looking at each other most of the time. and then there are the ppl that are really trying. but they just get seen as trying to be better than everyone else, not trying to be what this was ment to be. It all seems so forced. I just want what I have seen elsewhere, but I can't figure out,for the life of me, how to get that... maybe that is part of it. it isn't about doing it for me. maybe I am just being to selfish in all of this. Or maybe I am just not listening to what HE is saying... I think I know what I need to do... but knowing isn't the same as doing....

Hurt...

I hurt.... not only for me this time. it isn't just physical pain now. I hurt for nizza. I was just told, by roo , that her mom passed away around noon today. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this has to be on her. It was only a few months ago that they even found out she had cancer, now she is gone. I think they were expecting this, but how can you ever prepare yourself, emotionally, for the devistaion of it all. Please pray for nizza. I know she was VERY close to her mom, and the past few months have been HELL for her.

something fun...

want to waste a ton of time? go play this game. you will become addicted. don't say I didn't warn you....

I feel like crap. moatly I just hurt today. I have a little fever, but not much. and I am alone. well, the girls are here, but he is at work. it has been a long day already and it has no promise of coming to an end anytime soon. blah. it feels like it has been forever since I didn't feel like crap. and the fact that I went to the ER and still don't know what is wrong isn't helping. i need to do stuff, but I don't feel like it. I just want to sleep. blah.

a blood test, a urine test, a CT scan, and 3 hours later....

I still don't know what is wrong. I was in so much pain that I finally went to the ER. they did alot of stuff and made me hurt worse than I did before, but still no clue. I do know now that I don't have a UTI, a kidney infection, or kidney stones. but the ER dr said he really didn't know what it was. the blood work was all fine as was everything else he did. he can't figure out why i have a fever and feel sick all the time. and yes he did a pregnancy test, no I am not pregnant. he said the pain could be from a strained muscle, but i have had strained muscles before and this isn't one. puls that doesn't account for all the other symptoms. and I haven't done anything at all to strain a muscle. so I get to continue feeling like crap.... yay.... just shoot me the next time I think about going to the ER. it took way to long for them to tell me they don't know what is wrong..... and i am sure they will send me a nice big bill being that I don't have insurance.....

Have you ever had one of those days that just sucked from the begining? That was how today started. I am still sick, I got no sleep at all last night, and the little ppl were up at 8am. Things got better though. I was thinking about a friend, and then I talked to them. It made me smile. I love suprise phone calls from ppl far away. I miss my friends that don't live close. I still feel like crap. I was a little better yesterday, I didn't throw up at all, but that was short lived. now I hurt, and I am puking again. YAY. Blah....I should take my temp again, but the only thermometer close it the crappy one that doesn't work well; it is supposed to be a "lighening" fast and accurate, but it always says everyone's temp is 97.1. It lies and does me no good. I will go get the other one.... okay now the temp has been taken with the slightly slower, but far more accurate thermometer. it was only 99.3. I don't think it has been that low in a few days. maybe I am getting better. One can only hope....

ick

yep I am still sick. and at this exact moment I feel worse than I have the whole time I have been sick. *pause to take temp* well it is 99.5 yay. this morning I felt okay. almost not sick at all even. but by early afternoon I thought I was going to die. I even woke up early this morning (early being before noon, remember I have to get used to staying up all night) but now I feel like crap again. I am irritated, hot, and tired. oh for anyone coming to my house for church tomorrow night I am NOT cooking. sorry. I feel like crap and I don't want to spend all day cooking something that I won't even be able to eat and keep down for more then 20 mins. today I have eaten like a handful of Cheez-Its and managed not to throw up. and I drank water. yep. at least I might lose some weight while I am sick and can't eat anything. did you know that one serving of Cheez-its is about 27 crackers? that is alot. I can only eat about 10 at a time without feeling like they are gonna come up. well, I think I am going to just lay on the couch all day tomorrow til time for church. sorry again about not cooking but I just don't think I will have the energy.

This weekend didn't turn out exactly as anticipated, but it was fun all the same. I did end up going to see my dad today, but that is a long story. I think I have felt the crappiest today, by far. I just wanted to sleep all day. I feel like I am never going to have my dream life, but maybe that is why it is a dream. maybe I just dream to big. I don't know. I feel like I should stop trying. I mean it isn't like I have a bad life, it just isn't exactly how I want it, and I don't know if it can ever be. I have always dreamed big. some of those dreams will never happen now, but some of them still could happen. who knows what will happen from here, but I do know that it can't be much worse than it is right at this moment. i feel like crap. tomorrow will be better though...

I should say something

I was going to write something yesterday, but then I decided that what I had to say wasn't as important as I thought at the time. We are broke, but that is begining to feel like the normal thing. I think that once we get to the other side of this I will not use the term broke so losely. I mean we are really BROKE now. I don't know why ppl say they are broke when they have $$ to buy things they don't need, but I did it to. I am going to try not to do it anymore. now that I have seen really broke I understand.
I am also sick, but can't go to the dr. no insurance and all that crap. I told mom that if my fever happened to get up above 100 I would go to the ER. I hope that doesn't occur, but if it does I will know that it is time to go, even if we can't pay for it. I don't want this to turn into something bad, which I am afraid it might be getting there, because I have felt crappy for the better part of 2 weeks now. and this is one of those things that doesn't just get better on its own with time. Thankfully it is also not one of those things that can be given to other ppl because life still must go on, no matter how crappy I feel. today was by far the worst. I laid around all day wanting to die. but then mom brought me some medicine when she got off work and it has made me feel a bit better.
so tomorrow I think I will stop by roo's house for the party, but I will obly stay for a bit as I have to go to a family thing on sunday and must be up early in the am. I wouldn't go but mom gave me gas money and said that I need to be there. so I am going.
other than that life in general is kinda crappy. I feel like most everything I have done for the past few years has been wrong, and not alot of ppl are helping the situation. I keep thinking "if I had just..." then things wouldn't be this way now. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I feel like most of it is my fault.
ok now I am just rambleing so I think I will go to bed now, after taking some more medicine that is....

Life.... Blah....

Life has gotten to me. I don't want to do it anymore. I know that all the things going on are just temporary and that on the other side of it all things are gonna be wonderful, but right now it sucks. I think I am going to start writing. not just bloging, but really writing. I just don't know what or when I will find time to do it. I need to do something. maybe I will...