Sunday, January 28, 2007


lots of talk about love lately. i have been hanging out with a cool group of ppl on wed. nights and we have been talking about 1 & 2 john, and this week we will do 3 john, and it is largely about love. god's love for us, and our love for each other. I have a really hard time figuring out what love looks like. I mean, it seems simple, the whole "if someone is hungry feed them, if someone is thirsty give them a drink" thing. But how do we love ppl who don't have physical needs, and how do we love ppl when everything in us disagrees with what they are doing. it is easy to love ppl we approve of.
I haven't had alot of good examples of love in my life. Love has always felt like something i had to gain by doing something, acting a certain way, following the rules. Only just recently do i feel like i have really experienced love without conditions, and it is hard for me to grasp that i will continue to be loved even when my life is shitty.

I guess i just struggle with love on alot of levels. I desire so greatly to feel loved, to know i am loved, but so often i refuse to allow ppl to love me. I don't really know how to fix that right now.

Saturday, January 27, 2007


Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality And Spirituality by Rob Bell

i stumbled across a sample from this new book of rob's that won't be out til march. I don't know if i can wait til march to read it. the sample was the fist chapter (or part of it?) and it was amazing. a couple things that i REALLY needed to hear today....

And that’s Jesus’ point with the “gouge out your eye” teaching. His point isn’t
that you should mutilate your body if you find yourself lusting after someone.
His point is that something serious – sometimes hellish – happens when
people are treated as objects, and we should resist it at all costs.
-wow, yeah. there is alot of living proof as to how very true this is.

When a human being is mistreated, objectified, or neglected, when they are
treated as less than human, these actions are actions against God. Because
how you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator.
-i don't know that i have ever REALLY thought about it like this before.

so yeah, i really can't wait til this book is released in march. Velvet Elvis was marvelous, but this new book... it is coming at a time in my life where I really desire to heal from alot of the hurt that has happened. one review says
Sex God is about relationships revealed in a way that elevates the human condition and offers hope to those whose relationships are wounded.

um yeah...can't wait to read the whole book....

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

life is still really painful in my little section of the world... it's hard to be around ppl right now, especially alot of ppl. as of right now I have had no real human interaction since saturday night, and I think i am ok with that. Saturday was really overwhelming, I think I am still recovering from it, and my bed is the only place that feels safe enough to deal with all of this..... ugh... i know this isn't good but this is all i have right now...

Sunday, January 21, 2007


being in public is overwhelming.... it has alot to do with the fact that I 'know' alot of ppl, but in reality i don't know these ppl all that well, and they don't know me all that well. really, they are just acquaintances. The problem is they think they know me well enough to be my friend. they think they know me well enough to come up and hug me. when in reality, i only liked to be touch by safe ppl; ppl I trust with my life. There aren't many ppl like that in my life right now. all the hugging and touching makes me tense. I don't like it. I need to be seen and known before you start touching me. That takes more than just seeing me around. it takes alot more.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

today I really have tried to be productive.. I haven't taken a nap all day (the first day in a while) i've been out of bed most of the day... but i still feel like I have accomplished nothing. i made a bunch of fruitless phone calls, got in touch with my lawyer, and now i am making soup. so the soup is the most productive thing all day, at least hopefully it will be. i feel like no matter how hard I try it just isn't enough. nothing i do is ever enough........

i think my life would be easier right now if i didn't believe in god.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

i was talking to my friend and she said I cand be one of 2 ppl at this point. both are ppl that come from stories so I will tell both stories...

the first is sad.... a friend of my friends is a something (dean maybe) at a college in CA. a student just transfered there this semester (a couple weeks ago) and was excited to be there, it was his dream come true. last Thursday night, he was hanging out with some other students watching The Office, during a commercial they were chatting the guys leaned back in his chair, feel, broke his neck and died instantly.

the second story is hopeful, but scary... a 5 yr old boy woke up, opened a window, and stumbled out onto the fire escape. he ended up falling and grabbing onto the edge. he was dangling 5 stories in the air, hanging on to the edge of a the fire escape. 2 guys saw him and got underneath him and when the kid finally let go they caught him. he was unharmed except for a few scratches.

so I could be the person that dies suddenly and senselessly, or I could be the person who gets saved by seemingly random passers-by... I don't think god is kind enough to let me die, even a senseless death. but right now I feel like I am hanging from the fire escape and about to fall, but i' m just not sure there is anyone that is going to be there to catch me...... is there another option? isn't there something else?

I can't do this (again)

Life sucks. feels like the whole ilk thing all over again, but bigger. The milk thing... a few months ago i ran out of milk and didn't have any money to go buy more. it became a huge thing, I fell apart, and realized how not normal this life is. at this moment I do have milk... but there are other things i need, and I can't just go get them. i literally don't know how I am going to survive today, much less this whole week.
so where the hell is this good and merciful, loving god now? there are alot of ppl that believe you just have to 'be good' and 'do the right thing' so what is it that I'm not doing? Where the fuck are you god????

Monday, January 15, 2007

today was rough, I think I will be recovering from it for a while. reminders of the past were all too real again. nothing has been easy today. i haven't slept in over 30 hours... and it got fucking cold.

how long, oh lord?
how long will you forget me?
how long will you hid your face from me?
how long must i wrestle with my thoughts,
and every day have sorrow in my heart?


so, a couple months ago I took up knitting. I never thought I would get into it, but apperantly I was wrong... It is so freaking addictive. It is kinda therapeutic too. with the recent increase in free time in my life, I have been doing a couple different projects, one of them is a blanket. It feels like it is going to take forever to finish but I am ok with that right now. I'm making it for a friend and it is so much fun to work on. every time I pick it up I am flooded with memories of this friend, things we've done together, conversations we've had.... it's fun. When the blanket is finally done it will be so fun to see it. It will be so much more than just a blanket, it will contain our entire friendship, all the laughter and tears. It really reminds me that our lives are knitted together. not just mine and this friends, but all of our lives. I think it is cool. and as I make this blanket I occasionally pray for my friend, when I have the energy to do it. funny how praying can take so much energy....

Saturday, January 13, 2007

7 musicals for 2007

ok so I was tagged. i think I am supposed to post my 7 favorite musicals for 2007, until recently I haven't been into musicals that much but there are some I wand to see so I will post those...

1. Rent (I have seen this one and I <3 it )
2. Chicago
3. West Side Story
4. Les Miserables
5. Ragtime
6. Hairspray
7. The Producers

so there ya go...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


so I've been having this dream for a few days now. every time I sleep, napping or at night, I have this fucking dream. maybe someone that reads my blog has the secret skill of interpreting dreams. if ya do let me know, seriously this is keeping me awake at night.... so the dream....

Pretty much what happens is that everyone I am connected to is physically attacking me. the attacks vary depending on the extent of the real life relationship I have with the person. However there is one person in this dream, someone I am connected to in real life, that isn't attacking me. In the dream, this person and I have a bizarre physically intimate relationship. This wouldn't be strange expect for the fact that this is someone that I would never have a physical relationship with.

all of this is driving me crazy, and the fact that all these ppl who are suppose to care about me are attacking me is scaring me. So anybody know anything about dreams? help me out here.....

Sunday, January 07, 2007

It's weird how relationships change. i had always thought that change came slowly, especially in the case of positive change. and that you didn't notice it for a long time. This idea has been proved wrong though. sometime change, even good change, can happen rapidly leaving you wondering what the hell went on. this has happened on several occasions lately. It baffles me to no end, but I don't think I am gonna start complaining about it...

on a different note... Went to see Children of Men yesterday. It is an amazingly intense movie. it definitely evokes lots of emotion. I recommend seeing it, but not alone.Personally I wouldn't have wanted to see it with anyone other than the ppl I was with....

Thursday, January 04, 2007

new year...

well, it's the new year, so I thought it would be a good time for a new post. the new year isn't being kind to me. it is day 4 of 2007 and day 4 of being sick. yay. no real resolutions this year, just gonna try to survive it, that might be tough. after looking back on 2006 and evaluating the relationships I had, lost, and/or acquired, there are alot of things I have realized about me. self-revelation, maybe it is a good thing, but it doesn't feel so great right now. hopefully I will have a new job, soon. should know about the job at DD tomorrow. after that planning more of life stuff will be underway, it will all depend on that job. i'm not really sure how january is gonna play out in my life. I mean, really, with what I worked at BS the past few weeks, it isn't gonna pay the bills, and being sick this week isn't helping at all. looks like this year is starting off by kicking my butt. Told a friend the other day that maybe this is god giving in, she didn't seem to think so. she wants things to be hopeful, but right now they just aren't at all.

so there ya have it, my happy new year's post. yay.