I was thinking about posting something, but then I realized that it wasn't very important. so this is my update. I have nothing important to say. lots going on in my head, but it is stuck in there for now... maybe one day soon it will come out...

Let there be pictures

ok so instead of posting every single picture from the party I just put them in my webshots thing and I am posting a link. so here is the link Enjoy!
by the way they are the one's that say Roo's party...

IT....

*the it I am refering to in this post is very sepific, but I am not going to name it. some of you may know what it is but most of you don't and won't. if you would like to speculate you may, but don't do it in my comments please because I am not going to say what it is....

I've thought alot about it lately. Just thinking about doing it again makes me want to do it. I know that I have so little to gain from it, but there was a time when it was my life, and I have missed that time alot lately. things have just sucked pretty much. don't get me wrong, every second of every day hasn't sucked, but the over all feeling at the end of the day is one of major suckiness. so it has been on my mind alot lately. good thing I have at least a small amount of will power... I feel really alone right now. work has consumed him. and the boys aren't here. something about a tire falling off of corey's car... didn't seem much like anyone else wanted to hang out, so I just came home. now would be a good time to do it. I'm bored and feel alone and somewhat unloved. doing it would be nice, but it would cause lots of problems.... blah...

party

party at roo's house, Friday night. for all who need to know where she lives, come to my house and follow me or we can pack into the van.... bring pillows and blankets, as you will not be leaving Friday night. that is just how this works.....it is gonna rock!

I am still alive, but no longer working. but it will be okay. creepy things happened so I quit. this week I am trying to catch up with ppl and get my life back. it seems to be working ok. lots to think about, lots of things to figure out. but all will be good.

Am I invisible?

I feel like I am invisible. I feel like no one knows I am here. the boys have been here for a few days now, and it seems like I have stopped exsisting around here. And it isn't because I haven't tried to spend time with my husband. I really want to spend time with him, but when he is home the boys are hear and he doesn't seem to know I am alive anymore. He cooked supper tonight. I went for a drive right as he was starting it. I got home and it all smelled to good, but didn't look done yet so I went to lay down. when I came back out to the kitchen I asked if they had eaten already and he said yes. then I asked if there was anything left and he said no. so I guess it doesn't matter that I haven't eaten anything and I have to work tonight. none of that matters. all that matters is that he has fun. it doesn't matter that I want to feel loved, or that I need him. all that matters is that he is happy. it doesn't matter how much I hate this situation, or the fact that I never see my husband. oh well, I "only" have to do it until Sept, not for a whole year. unfortunatly I am already burnt out and hurting, and I don't know if I can take this for another couple of months even.....

today

it was fun. we went sight seeing Jackson, yeah it didn't take very long. we hung out for a while. now the boys and some of their friends are over. I don't mind, it was my idea, but the problem is that I don't get to spend any time with my husband. The boys have seen him more than I have. I love the boys really I do, but I would really like to see my husband, and spend time with him. I feel so unloved right now. I know he loves me but I just don't feel very loved right now. I feel like crap. I just feel so alone, even though there are so many ppl.

busy...

this weekend is going to be busy. the boys will be here this evening sometime (according to A who called right after lunch), Sat Mrs. L, K, H and Granny will be moving back. I have to work tonight, tomrrow, and Sat. but I will be off Sun and mon. Tim has to go into work really early Sun, but that means he should be off early too. lots going on... and I have to sleep at some point

today has sucked. I can't work and be a good mom. there is just no way. but then when I don't work ppl say I am lazy. I would like to see you do it. I would like to see you take care of 2 small kids, and run an entire house. I would also like to see you do what I am doing now. Take care of 2 kids, run a house, and work 8 hours a day. see how long you last. oh and you can't put the kids in daycare if you really want to understand my situation. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like crap all the time. at least I have tomorrow off. I hate all of this. I never see my husband, I am always cranky, and I cry all the time. this isn't me. this isn't who I am. this isn't who I want to be. only a year, what the fuck!! a year is a long time. it is almost forever in the lives of my kids. I have lost touch with all my friends. I never see anyone, and I feel so disconnected from everything. I hate this! I HATE this!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is one solution, it will suck but I will do it. I will do all the things I am expected to do as a wife and mother, and I will work, and soon, I will collapse from exhaustion. there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. but I will.

please tell me you will come visit me in the hospital...