I realized some things today.... I realized that I equate the physical presence of people (especially christians) in my life with the presence of god, and I equate how people respond and react to me with how god responds and reacts. now when ppl are abundantly present in my life and loving on me a ton then this isn't the worst thing. But at times, like right now, when ppl aren't very present, and the ppl that are present are responding in hurtful and negative ways, this becomes a vrey bad thing. I know that ppl aren't perfect, and that no one is going to be able to be present all the time (especially through alot of the shit going on in my life) and I know that god is perfect. but it is tough. I need tangible signs that he is in this with me. something to hold on to. I need him to make his presence known in a big way, and he just isn't that kind of god, at least not right now, for me. it sucks to be in this place, and it hurts more than I could ever explain...