Why...

There is a huge difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. i know in my head that God will never leave me, but right now somthing is being lost in the translation of that to my heart... I feel so lonely... I'm sure that I am not helping matters any by staying home and not going to hang out with anyone or anything... I just feel so drained and I can't make myself get out and go do things... that is probbaly why i should go to Dallas and be around people for a week, but there is no money for daycare for the kids, and I just can't put take anyone's $$$ or charity... I just don't know what to do about that... I hate all the crap... I am so depressed and want to give up... nothng helps because I can pretend to be all right and happy as long as I am around people and it isn't for too long... This sucks...

Just another day...

here is that link that I have been prmising for days. Maybe someone will get to read it that wouldn't have otherwise... I don't think I want to go to Dallas now... I just don't feel like it... I know if I tell roo that she will flip out and tell me that I have to go... I just don't feel good... I haven't eaten in 2 days... I just don't feel like I can do anything right anymore... this is all so stupid... I don't want to keep living in this crap... I talked to A today for a little while, but things were fine then... now I just feel like crap.... don't really know why... I am glad I talked to A though... he told me stories from past places and all... he said he didn't know why he was telling me, but it made him seem so much more human... he became a real person again... I had seen him as real beforebut it comes and it goes.... don't know....

Just need to blog...

I don't know why but I am really depressed.... Where is God tonite.... He is probally at all the churches that have services doing something amazing (or maybe not since it is 11:13) I just need something though... I would go see roo but one of the little people still isn't asleep and I just don't feel like leaving... I have been crying for the past hour... I just want to die and can't figure out what the problem is... I hate it when this happens... I just want to cry with someone... but there is no one now... I hate this... Why can't I just be happy...

Late revisited...

I should go to sleep. I still haven't posted that link to that article.... not that anyone reads this anyway so no one is losing sleep over it...cept maybe me, but I don't think that is why I am not sleeping.... just too much going on in my head I guess.... well, maybe I will get around to it tomorrow, so all you waiting around to read it will just have to wait another day.... SORRY

still today....

I need to go see roo... I hope she is awake... I have been working on my poetry some tonight... Tim is watching football... I hope the kids are sleeping now... I read something to day that was really cool... It was a re telling of the lost sheep... It made alot of sense to me... maybe I will post the link to it later... I would have to go back and find it now... Too much trouble... well, if I am going to catch roo before she leaves for work I really should go now... but I just feel like I have slipped out of reality for a while... maybe I will come back later... I know mom is going to be mad b/c I didn't tell her I was leaving... What does it really matter??? well I should be gone....

What is my value...

Am I really valuable? I am feeling like no one really needs me, everything I do could be done by someone else if I weren't here. I have feeling like I am despensible. I just don't know what to do about it. I just wish that people would let me know that i am appriciated sometimes.

M&M's and Other Sad Things

Normal everyday things
not so normal anymore
Happy things
make me say
and sad things
just make it worse
Crying over M&M's
and songs the radio forgot to play
Missing people from the past
and those who are far away
Loning for the life
I use to have
but with the subtle differences of today....

Almost Sunday...

Sunday is always weird for me... I do go to church, mostly because I have found the rare church that isn't just a building but it is a group of people that, for the most part, care about each other, more than on occasion... Now I recognize that many people find this hard to belive but just trust me on this one... Anyways that isn't why it is so weird... The real reason it is so weird is because I always have some sort of revilation about myself that makes me think alittle more than usual... see all week I am a mom, I am constantly suronded by the sights and sounds of the little people, but on sunday I am a normal human being that is capable of normal adult, human conversation... If you aren't a mom you probally don't understand and that is okay.... but when there is only one day a week that you feel normal, something BIG always happens... There is always somthing life changing that is going on when you get the oppertunity to feel like a normal person... anyway, that is why sunday is always an adventure for me...

yuck...

I feel like crap today... I have a fever and I am all stopped up... That is the good thing about having friends on the 'net, you can't catch anything from them.... I feel like I have been in my house for a week straight, but I know that isn't true....

My littlest baby is now 2 yeras old.... how time flies when they are little.... I don't want another one yet, maybe when they are both potty trained....

Well, tonight some people are going to preveiw the Forgotten ones at the theater... I hope I feel better cuz I really want to go... It is always so much fun hanging out with those people... Maybe I should take a nap so I feel better.....

HELP HAITI!!!!!

Now this is one of those times that you are going to get to see where my heart is and I hope you understand the severity of the situantion....

Haiti is one of the poorest counrties in the world, and over the past four months it has been hit by great devistaion in the form of multiple hurricanes.... Over 1600 people are dead and over 80% of the country is under water!!!! I am broken for the people of Haiti.... I wish that I could be there currently, but there are circumstances beyond my control that keep me safe and comfortable here in the United States.... Hopefully I will be going to Haiti in December though and there will still be alot of things to be done to restore the country to it's original state (even though that isn't very good either). I ask that if you come across my blog and read this far you do something to help.... There are many different organizations that you can donate to that will be providing relief in Haiti. If you would like more info on how to help let me know.... If you can go to Haiti PLEASE do. And if all you can do is pray for the people of Haiti and those providing relief then that is really a large thing... I know that God is going to provide for the people of Haiti, but I also know that God wants His people to be involved in the process.... If anyone needs more info. just let me know... THANKS

Why do people....

Why is it that pwoplw think that just because they live with you they have the right to control you and know where you are going all the time!?!?!?!?! I know that she has the best intentions but I just think that it isn't that important... I mean my husband knew where I was going and that is really the only thing that should have mattered.... then she made a big deal about it like I was trying to be mean to her. I just wanted to go see my friends and I thought she was busy.....
Well, she will be gone soon... I hope........

catching up on the weekend....

This weekend was long, but for the most part it was fun..... We went to the symphony Saturday and it was fun.... It was the 60th anniversary gala so there was champagne and cake after.... Then we stayed out talking til about 2am.... Just mostly talked about church and the new women's small group we are starting...... Sunday was busy after church we went to get new tires on Roo's car... Walmart tire center is always an aweful experience.... Small group was cool though cuz it was just 3 of us:) we got to have a real conversation about reall stuff, not just the normal structure of q&a..... Tomorrow night we are going to have the women's small group at roo's house.... Only 2 weeks til I go to Dallas... Things are pretty okay.... I just feel like poo right now... Catlin will be 2 on Tuesday... I don't know what I am going to be doing today.....

Late...

Feel great need to blog... so many thoughts in head... Very late, and sleepy.... Hope all this stays in my head till tomorrow.... Must sleep now.....

Saturday morning....

Well, well, well.... This is the first Saturday that my husband hasn't been working and look what we are doing... NOTHING!!! He is still asleep and I am just doing the same thing I always do, being a mommy. I don't know why this makes me so angery, but it does... If I go to the symphony tonite I am going to make an effort to stay out late... We will find something to do. I just hate feeling like this but it seems like I always do, or at least lately... Well, I will be going to the Big D in a couple of weeks so I will at least get a short vacation from all this crap... I just want to have a normal life just like everyone else, but then again what is normal....

i am going to go crazy soon... you're all invited along for the trip

Okay so I am a Stay-at-home mom to 2 little girls who think they are grown... Not only does my husband work at least 10 hours a day but, recently my mother has moved in with us so as you can see I am losing my mind very quickly. I am a reality tv addict so I will probally ramble on about that from time to time. *BB5 comes on tonight can't forget that* and I love to write random things that make no sense at all really. All my friends have real jobs so they are not around very often so I just sit around thinking of ways to take over the world. well, that is all for now the little people are trying to desrtoy my house....LATER