so yeah.... sm groups start back this week. I am pretty excited. Wed night tim and I are gonna go to one together, we'll see how it works out. I think it will be good. then thurs night I am going to another one. I feel honored that I get to be a part of the thursday night group. it is going to be a small, safe group. I like that. there aren't alot of places in my life that are very safe right now.

saw Brokeback mountain Sat night. it was fun and spontaneous. I am glad I got invited, and I am glad I went. still forming thoughts on the movie itself. it was intense. I also created a me space yesterday, and used it last night for a while. it needs a lamp, I think I might go look for one today at some point. I also need some more candles so I don't have to relocate the other ones in my house. and I still need to find a belt for my vaccum cleaner so I can vacuum. my floors look so bad.

this week has lots of promise. I am pretty excited. I might get things accomplished and such. and I will most definitely get to have contact with other ppl. I guess I need to feed some little ppl and get to work on being productive....

so I have been back to being a stay-at-home mommy for almost a month now (seems like way longer) and for the past few days I have been trying to figure out why it is so hard this time. I did this for almost 5 years before. I have come to the conclusion that it has alot to do with the ppl. not the little ppl (even though they are getting older and more independent) but the ppl in my life. until last april, I knew someone else that stayed home (I still know her but she is too far away to visit when I need to talk about things) And for the most part the ppl in my life now all have lives. And tim isn't home much right now, so my one chance for adult time is gone. It has been a couple days since I saw another adult who wasn't sleeping. yeah that is fun. and I have become alot better at organizing and cleaning the house with limited time (or livining with it a mess) so it doesn't take me nearly as long to do things now.
I love being at home. I really love getting to see my kids grow up, and all the fun things they do. but at the same time I really want contact with the outside world.
maybe it has just been a bad week...

Monday again...

yep here it is monday again. hasn't been all that bad, a little disappointing, but not too bad. blah... Got to do a little theraputic shopping tonight. it was nice. hubby got a new job. he starts tomorrow, but he will still be working, at least part time, at the other job. yeah. that is gonna be lots of fun. anyways, I think my house is becoming a cave, and I think I will see how long I can go without leaving, or going crazy. doubt it will be very long....

I thought I should update... I am in the middle of several things that aren't very fun, or easy right now. some days I am doing good just to survive. Others, I don't know that I am even surviving very well. There are days when I wonder if my life was ment to be lived in a cave, and there are day I cry because I know it isn't. There are relationships that are falling apart all over the place, and there are I am, standing in the middle of it all.
I think it all has alot to do with growing up, or at least realizing that I have responsibilities that don't go well with the not so grown up life style. And then I see all the fun things that I get out of it. all the happy little moments that seem so divinely appointed. these aren't the same things that would have made me a happy a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth all that I fear losing. Sometimes I think they are, but other times I'm not so sure.
I am trying desperatly to cling to relationships that are far beyond dysfunctional. Relationships that should have been let go of along time ago, but loss is too hard, even when I know it is for the best for everyone involved. why the hell is change so fucking hard.....

there are things I need to be doing, but instead I am sitting here in alot of pain. it all started about this time last week. I finally went to the dr on friday. turns out it is a kidney infection (no real suprise there) but the severity was suprising. so I have been taking antibiotics and phenagran (sp) (so I don't throw up the antibiotics) all weekend. the dr didn't give me anything for pain, but said by today I should be feeling significantly less pain. um, WRONG! and I keep getting chills, and just pretty much feeling like death. I felt better yesterday, but last night I started feeling worse again. it feels like my heart is racing, but when I check my pulse it is normal. I'm kinda shakey. I don't think this is a good thing. I think I will call the dr and see what they say. hope I don't need to go back in, not today, I don't know if I can move that far, or for that long.

deja vu

so last week I started feeling this strange since of deja vu. it wasn't a good situation and I wanted to run really far away from it. but the more I find out about the situation (which I am not involved in really, but friends are) the more ok I am with it. I don't think it will turn out the same way as the last situation. and now I realize how different the 2 situations are, but it is still weird. almost like bad situations follow me around. yeah... I think the worst thing about it is the fact that ppl might still get hurt, or are being hurt already. it sucks...

Christmas pics.

so after forever I finally have christmas pics up. here they are

ok, so, I had a really weird thing happen today. I am still recovering from it. I was in target looking at candles. there was a little girl (later I would find out that she is 12) and her mom looking at candles also. well the mom was looking at candles but the little girl was looking at me. it wasn't the way most ppl look at me, ya know like I am weird or something. she was studying my like there was going to be a test once she got out of the store. after a few mins the girl said "Mom, can I dye my hair?" to which the mother quickly replied "NO!" the girl went back to looking at me some more. then she said "well then can I get a tatoo?" the mother's reply was "Have you gone crazy? of course you can't get a tatoo. you are only 12!"
the girl stood there for a min looking like she might cry soon and then she said "I'm almost a teenager, I just want to look cool like her" she was pointing to me. her mom looked at me, and then drug her to the other end of the candle aisle as if being another few feet away I wouldn't be able to hear their conversation. the mom said "you don't want to be like her. she can't be any older than 16 or 17, and she has 2 kids. she probably had to drop out of high school because she got pregnant by some boy who doesn't even like her. she isn't cool at all, she is probably a depressed drug addict"
WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to say so much, but I didn't say anything. I just walked away with my yummy rasberry candle and my little ppl. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she really shouldn't make assumtions about ppl. I wanted to tell her that I was 25, I graduated in the top 5 percent of my class, that I had been off drugs for almost 5 and a half years, that my kids have a dad that loves them very much..... but I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't look anything like this if I were all the things she thought I was, but I just took my candle and left.

so my question is, what did you think about me the first time you saw me?

Happy 2006!!!

so it is here, the new year. looks alot like last year. lots of dreams and hopes for this year. my oldest little person starts school this year. I think it is gonna be a good year. yep I do