Friday, January 20, 2006

I thought I should update... I am in the middle of several things that aren't very fun, or easy right now. some days I am doing good just to survive. Others, I don't know that I am even surviving very well. There are days when I wonder if my life was ment to be lived in a cave, and there are day I cry because I know it isn't. There are relationships that are falling apart all over the place, and there are I am, standing in the middle of it all.
I think it all has alot to do with growing up, or at least realizing that I have responsibilities that don't go well with the not so grown up life style. And then I see all the fun things that I get out of it. all the happy little moments that seem so divinely appointed. these aren't the same things that would have made me a happy a few years ago, and I sometimes wonder if they are worth all that I fear losing. Sometimes I think they are, but other times I'm not so sure.
I am trying desperatly to cling to relationships that are far beyond dysfunctional. Relationships that should have been let go of along time ago, but loss is too hard, even when I know it is for the best for everyone involved. why the hell is change so fucking hard.....

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