ok, so I have some hard decisions to make coming up. do I leave something I love so that I don't get hurt, or do I stay and risk not only being hurt but also becoming increadably jaded and more cynical, and possibly hurting other ppl? and if I do leave, how do I do it without bringing anyone else into it? just the thought of it all makes me cry. this past year I have lost so many relationships that I thought were good, but now realize they were hurting me. could this be another one of those cases? still the whole idea makes me sad....

watching ppl hurt...

i don't like to watch ppl hurt. I always want to do something about it. a friend of mine tells me that this is how most ppl feel, and that this is why there are very few ppl that can be around me right now. she says that no ones wants to see ppl hurt, and my pain is so intense and consistant right now that ppl don't know what to do with that or how to handle it, so it is easier for them not to be around it at all.
Anyways this post isn't about me hurting, it is about me seeing hurting ppl. this past week my life seems to have been flooded with hurting ppl. All those ppl have been hurting to varying degrees, and have been connected to me in varying ways. I have seen myself handling the hurt in a couple different ways. I either stand back and watch the hurt, completely confused and angry at how 'this' could happen to 'them' or I choose to enter into the hurt with them, with much the same result as just watching but the 'them' changes to 'us'.
I think the hardest part of this is that some of these ppl that I have seen hurting this week didn't just start hurting this week. they have spent a lifetime hurting, and I just have to ask 'why?' I've heard and said all the "right" answers to this question, but it still doesn't make sense to me. why is it that some ppl continue to have painful things happen to them, almost daily, for their entire lives.

All this brings me right back to the place where I ask "if god really was good and all-powerful why would he allow these things?"

so maybe this does have soemthing to do with me, but it isn't just me. and somehow that doesn't make it any easier.

thanksgiving

So tomorrow is thanksgiving. Looking back over the past year of my life I do see a few things to be thankful for, but right now I don't feel very thankful (does that make me ungrateful?) I guess alot of it has to do with the fact that it has been an icky kinda day. worked my butt off @ broad st. I don't recommend it to anyone. and the little ppl have been absolute demon children tonight (but I love my demons) I'm just wiped. tomorrow will be a day for new traditions. it will be fun. we will be watching the parade, because I do love that tradition. and then we will get to have thanksgiving with some pretty great ppl. i can't wait really. I am kinda sad that I won't be with my family, but I really think it just wasn't meant to be. too much working against me this year.

tomorrow I meet with the lawyer. I actually talked to her today. I'm tired and cold. I want some soup. blah.

so some ppl have been asking what they can do to help me. As the holidays rapidly approach (thanksgiving is next week!) I have come up with something VERY practical that ppl can do. I made a wishlist over at amazon for me and the girls. it's just to give ppl an idea of what we like/want/need. so there it is, if ya wanna do something, if not, ok.
edit: the link is fixed

today i hate ppl, especially christians..... I believe that what I am doing is the right thing, but this week it doesn't feel so right... fuck...

I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking that this is the worst thing I have ever done. It is easy to make myself believe that things will be better when it is just me that is hurting. but it isn't just me. The girls now realize this is a permanent situation. tonight they hated me because we don't live with daddy anymore. they want to live with daddy. they don't want anything to do with me. now I am here, sitting in the silence, trying to figure out what the hell I could have done to make my marriage work so they wouldn't have to go through this, so I wouldn't have to go through this. I can't keep doing this. and everything is so not ok. I feel like I have been crawling over glass for the past 7 months and every time I get to a place where I am out of the glass and the cuts are starting to heal I have to crawl through it again. I have too many wounds already, too many scars. and it seems like when I am hurting the most people don't want to be around me, but that is when I need them the most. I just wish someone would sit and hold me and allow me to cry. I don't get that though. instead I get a bunch of ppl that try to minimalize things.

It's pretty amazing how insecurities and low self-esteem can creep up on you and smack you in the face, leaving you laying in the ground hurt and alone. tonight is one of those times. I feel like she would have done anything to not have to sit there with me. I know that in reality this isn't true, but in my mind it is. in my mind no one wants to be around me. no one cares. part of me knows this isn't true (or at least that ppl will say it isn't) but right now it feels true. I just don't want to feel so unloved anymore. and I don't want to feel like everyone really has some secret agenda. i know she loves me, but then there is that part of me that feels like if she knew what I really thought and do she would not be my friend, she wouldn't even like me. I know she says /i'm wrong, but i can't bring myself to talk about it. maybe it is because admitting it might make me the crazy one

i'm depressed. (who didn't know that) and it feels like it is never going to end. i feel alone (even though I keep being told I'm not) i feel like I can't keep doing this. i've gotten to the point where I feel like I am just over-reacting. like maybe none of this is really what I am making it.


silence
lingering in every corner
penetrating my soul
and leaving me hopeless

random thoughts traped in my head

- I am sad that i won't be in Charlotte in a few weeks, I'm sure everyone in my life will get sick of hearing this, sorry. I was so looking forward to it, and now, I have lost all hope of being there. I will cry about it, and eventually I will get over it. it is pretty interesting how my motives for going have changed, and now I want to go more than before, because I want to be apart of it, not because of him....
- bleeding takes alot less energy than it used to. not such a great thing but it is ture. it also take alot less (almost no) conscious thought. these things scare me, but right now I have no desire to change them
- christmas is approaching way too rapidly. I don't like this at all, but there is nothing I can do about it. I like that even less.
- i am very sad right now and i'm just not so sure why. I mean, yes, I am sur there are a thousand reasons for me to be sad, none of them seem to fit right now though. just overwhelming sadness, and no one around to share it with (i'm sure your glad you aren't around right now.)
- I really need to reconnect with certain ppl. they are good for me. i miss them. I will work on that

I'm sure things aren't like I see them, but the way I see them is all I have right now. ppl want to know what they can do to be helpful, I tell them, and then the avoid me. yeah that's not so helpful. I think my circle of friends is in desperate need of some trimming. I think there are just too many ppl to keep up to date on my life. that takes too much energy most days, especially when I know that those ppl aren't going to be around for the long haul anyway. they will get tired, or bored, and find something else to do with their time. I'm tired oflosing friends because my life is too difficult for them to deal with. and I am tired of hearing "well, if they were real friends it wouldn't matter how hard things are" that's a lie. if I could I wouldn't be around me right now either. I understand the 'why' of ppl not being able to handle it, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

blah, blah, blah

I really wish there were something someone could do. At this point, though, there is nothing. it is now Nov. where the heck has this year gone? I hate all this. and I don't get anything else.