have you ever done a search using your name? I did so earlier and the results made me sad. There were tons of Lisa Alexander's that were sucsseful, important ppl. Doctors, lawyers, managers, writers, producers, ect. All ppl I will never be; ppl I once dreamed of being. I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like chasing my dreams has cost me everything, and trying to have a perfect world has made my world so imperfect. I have made decsions that have ment that I will never be the person I once dreamed of being. I don't want to regret the choices I have made, but at times like this I do. I feel like it is all my fault that things are this way. I made bad choices, I made decsions without thinking through the possible ramifications, and now this is what I have to show for it. I know what I want to do, but I also know that I will never get there. At one time it wasn't so far out of my reach, but now.... Now I have to live with the choices I have made. My life isn't all bad, but I can see that this next little while is going to be rough, rougher than almost anything I have gone through. I know that this too shall pass, but right now it seems only a distant hope.

I feel like a failure, and I hate that. more than anything I want to make everyone take notice and listen to what I have to say, but it seems that no one takes notice of someone that has spent the past four and a half years being a mom and nothing more. And no one listens to someone that doesn't have any fromal training on the subject at hand.

Experience... what is experience? I was filling out a job application once and I wondered if they would count all the hours I spent running myself into the ground, just to prove that love really did exisit to a 16 yr old girl, as experience. Or would the think that the fact that I over came unspeakable odds, to graduate at the top of my high school class, despite the fact that I had been kicked out of my father's house and was living on my own, as experience. then I realized that this wasn't the type of experience they were asking about, even though it was the type of experience that would be relevant to the job. they wanted to know where I had worked and what I had done there. I didn't get that job, or any others like it because I didn't have the experience they wanted, and I didn't have a degree. I finally gave up. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be the person they wanted me to be because I am a mom, and that experience isn't very benifical, apperently, in any line of work, because you don't recieve a degree or certification from it.

Ever feel like you are being punished for something you were given permission to do?



Just wondering...

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interviews at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interview with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interview's at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interveiw with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

the day that refuses to end...

it has been a long day. I can't sleep, but I need to.... for details on the fun filled adventures of the afternoon check this out.... the best part was throwing the stuff... anyways from there we went on the mission for mason (who by the way I don't even know, but I do know that he is serving in Iraq currenetly) it was long and very unorganized. no one knew what was going on and plans were changed frequently (this is to be expected most of the time with this circle of friends however). all is well now though and I think everything is taken care of. and I NEED to get some sleep.... maybe I will have better luck now...

thinking....

I was just thinking about the parts of my past that I really miss... nothing too moonumental came from this thought process. but I realized that I am horrible at keeping in touch with ppl. a little bit ago someone asked me if I knew where my ex-step sister was... this is something that I really should know. Not that we were ever all that close, but you would think that I would have tried to stay in touch in some way.... but I didn't... I do know where a few ppl from my past are, but there are many more that I regret losing contact with. but then I wonder if finding these ppl would make a difference. I mean some of these ppl contributed to the really bad parts of my life. If I went out of my way to go back and find them would it make my life better? I don't know. for now I think things are best left where they are. Except for the case of my step sister. it is important that I figure out where she is, not for me, but for a friend. it is important to her, so it has become important to me. I need to call dad back and see if he has had a chance to look for an adress or number or something...

uh sorry....

Okay it has come to my attention that I could have hurt several ppl without knowing it, just by posting my most previous post. Sorry. really I am. It wasn't truely about any one person, or even group of ppl. I do have some REALLY amazing friends, and I am blessed to be a part of several groups that could be considered communities. I also want to state publicly that I do LOVE my church, there are just times when I wish there were more to it. so if anyone got offended and mad or hurt, I am sorry, it isn't about YOU!!! Really it is about me, it is about stuff that I am going through, and questions that I am asking. if it were about you, I promise you would know... as for right now, I feel crappy. I am nauseous, and my head hurts... but that is for a different day I suppose. just know that I am sorry... and I love you all...

longing....

I sit her broken hearted tonight. I realize that I don't have community, and I long so desperatly for it. the church I am at currently meets once a week for a couple of hours and we don't even talk the rest of the time... we aren't acessible to each other, and we only let the others see what we want them to see. I saw something that resembled community tonight. People intentionally getting to know each other, the real ppl not just the facade. I want that!!! I long for that so greatly. I am crushed by the realization that I have no clue where to start. I feel like I have had that before, but now I am just doing church, not being church. Church shouldn't be something I just do once a week for a couple of hours. I need something else, something more. I desire community, and I thought this new situation would help, bur so far it hasn't. maybe I have not given it enough time. maybe I am not doing my part. maybe.... I don't know.. I am torn over what to so... I am sad, and hurtting...

blah....

I got some shoking news today (no I am not pregnant, why do ppl always assume that when I say I have news???) the news itself isn't important, the important part is that it leaves all of life confused again... YAY! thankfully we are just coming out of our last confused life state, so maybe we will be able to keep sight of the really important things this time... I know that whatever happens will be for the best, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I am being forced to hold my breath for long periods of time. like I am going to pass out soon. Like the whole world is going to cave in around me. I just have to keep my focus. really I know things will be okay, I just don't know how....

in other news i think we will be having a ND party tomorrow night (firday) Roo let me know if this is still on.

Being that we are not moving, lots of things still need to be done around the house. things need to be taken to Goodwill or some such place. clothes need to be gone through. all that good stuff. Summer is rapidly approaching as well, so there will be lots of time spent outside.
My grandfather is getting remarried on the 28th. that should be a fun event, being that everyone within like 30 miles knows him or her. I am sure it will be fun though. I am glad he is happy....

still amazed!

Ok so as most anyone who has stumbled across this blog in the past month knows, we were supposed to be moving to Lexington MS, a poor middle of no where town, in the poorest county in the poorest state in the US. I was not happy about this but it looked like there was no way around it so I asumed that God had a plan. Boy did God have a plan, one bigger than I could have imagined. Monday we found a house up there and I was supposed to go up Thursday to look at it. It was a good deal, and we would be moving in at the end of the month as long as it wasn't uninhabitable. Tuesday I get a call from hubby saying he is having a bad day, boss man was at the office, ect. ect. Tuesday night I go to chill with my girl at her house. she asks when hubby will be home. I say WHAT? and she says she heard he would be back in Pearl effective Wednesday morning!!!! What the crap!!! so I call hubby and all is true. another office gained status in the Jackson area, needed a AM the AM from preal wanted to leave but stay in the Jackson area. so pearl was in need of an AM. hubby wanted to not have to move to Lexington. so all worked. God had a plan, part of wich was to scare the crap out of me and make me think I was going to have to live in the middle of nowhere. I am sure there is a reason for it all. I am still amazed by how God works.

Where will we go from here??? I have no clue, but I know it won't be to Lexington. What have I learned from all this??? God is God and he is going to take care of me, even if I don't see a way, He has made one!

So for now I am here, and I am happy, and life is good. I know that hubby will come home every night, and that I will have time for me, and that my kids will not think daddy lives at work.