Thursday, May 26, 2005

have you ever done a search using your name? I did so earlier and the results made me sad. There were tons of Lisa Alexander's that were sucsseful, important ppl. Doctors, lawyers, managers, writers, producers, ect. All ppl I will never be; ppl I once dreamed of being. I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like chasing my dreams has cost me everything, and trying to have a perfect world has made my world so imperfect. I have made decsions that have ment that I will never be the person I once dreamed of being. I don't want to regret the choices I have made, but at times like this I do. I feel like it is all my fault that things are this way. I made bad choices, I made decsions without thinking through the possible ramifications, and now this is what I have to show for it. I know what I want to do, but I also know that I will never get there. At one time it wasn't so far out of my reach, but now.... Now I have to live with the choices I have made. My life isn't all bad, but I can see that this next little while is going to be rough, rougher than almost anything I have gone through. I know that this too shall pass, but right now it seems only a distant hope.

I feel like a failure, and I hate that. more than anything I want to make everyone take notice and listen to what I have to say, but it seems that no one takes notice of someone that has spent the past four and a half years being a mom and nothing more. And no one listens to someone that doesn't have any fromal training on the subject at hand.

Experience... what is experience? I was filling out a job application once and I wondered if they would count all the hours I spent running myself into the ground, just to prove that love really did exisit to a 16 yr old girl, as experience. Or would the think that the fact that I over came unspeakable odds, to graduate at the top of my high school class, despite the fact that I had been kicked out of my father's house and was living on my own, as experience. then I realized that this wasn't the type of experience they were asking about, even though it was the type of experience that would be relevant to the job. they wanted to know where I had worked and what I had done there. I didn't get that job, or any others like it because I didn't have the experience they wanted, and I didn't have a degree. I finally gave up. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be the person they wanted me to be because I am a mom, and that experience isn't very benifical, apperently, in any line of work, because you don't recieve a degree or certification from it.

1 comment:

roo roo said...

i'm depressed and smitten. it's awful. all i've gone is loaf around since this weekend.