the more time that passes, the worse things get...

The title line has little to do with the current mess I find my self in the middle of. well, ok it does have something to do with it because everything has something to do with it, but in recent days I've become painfully aware of how huge a part of my present my past is. small things, my attitude toward people, and how I interact in everyday life. All of it has so much to do with all the things that happened to me-- things I did to myself, and things others did. thing I never allowed myself to heal from. and now all those wounds have started to open again. All that pain is new and real. how can things that happened half a lifetime ago still have so much power over me, such an effect on who I am and how I live? and how can it still hurt so much, all made new by stupid things. I thought I was done with this. I guess things like this are things you are never really done with though.

Today
has lasted
far too long
I need to let go
or at least hold
it more loosely
and you know
just how hard that is
but I'm too tired
to continue
grasping for things
I can not reach
and clinging to things
that were never mine



today's been tough. this week will be tough. I don't like this, not one bit....

I need a hug

I'm tired of life hurting so much, and I'm tired of needing things no one can give me. I wonder if this situation is happening the way it is because of other situaions, and I now that that has to have something to do with it. I'm tired of being so alone no matter where I am or who I am with. and I am tired of being forgotten because I'm not in anyone elses physical space. just because I have my own place doesn't mean I don't need to know ppl love me. I hate this

Wow, I've been doing alot thinking about my life. the past year has been insane. This time last yr I would have never believed anyone if they told me this is where I would be now. most days I still don't believe this is where I am (yep I like to live in an altered reality) Just know that this is all still very new to me. I'm gonna screw up alot, and I'm gonna need alot of help. if you can't handle that, maybe now isn't the best time to be my friend. Also I'm gonna have alot od questions, and I'm gonna be angry alot. but today, I really do believe that this is gonna be over one day, and life is going to be better. no promises about what I will believe tomorrow. but I have some really great ppl believing for me consistantly. so that is good

a few months back a friend of mine sent me an article called "A Second Look" by Ronna J. Miller. it is a look at the story of the Samaritan women at the well and her encounter with Jesus. it is an amazing article that says alot about women. when I get some time I think I am gonna type up some of my thoughts here. for now this qiote from the article stuck out to me, especially in my current situation.

"More often than not, even one divorce could leave a woman discarded like trash, homeless, without resources or support. But for some reason, men continue to pursue her. She continues to survive. Yes, she is provocative, amazing, and even secretly admired by men and women."

-- all I could think when I read that was that I want that to be said of me. I want to contunue to survie, I want to be pursued. I want to be provocative and amazing! but I feel alot more like trash, worthless, and unloveable.

today was almost normal. other than being exhausted nothing traumatic happened, and there were even some good things. tonight reaffirmed my thoughts that I need a ladies only small group. and I got to have a good conversation with someone, it was much needed even if it didn't resolve anything... I hope that I get to go on "vacation" at the end of Nov. but I just don't see it happening. I won't have the money, and I just really don't see me being able to do it. it makes me sad to know that I will miss NYWC this year. it has been my retreat, my time to get away and refocus. even though I'm not doing youth ministry right now I know it is what I am supposed to do. and being with all those other ppl that share that passion is just a great time. not to mention getting to see my buddies, and have face time. it just makes me so sad that I don't get that this year. eveyone keeps telling me not to give up hope, something could work out and I could still go. I just don't see it happening, unless I run across a money tree. if any of you find one let me know though. I think more than anything I was hoping to go so I could get away for a little bit and relax, but relaxing just doesn't seem to bein my game plan right now. too much going on.

and I have a problem. there are a couple ppl in my life right now that are just not very helpful. it isn't their fault, I think they just don't understand. they want to be encouraging, but it comes across as arrogance, and it is just hurtful. it adds to the guilt and shame that I already have. I know the best thing is let them know that I hear what they are saying but I'm just not in a place where that is my reality. but that is alot easier said than done. right now it all just makes me angry. I recognize that very few ppl are going to be able to understand my pain and my reality right now, but I just wish the ppl that really can't understand it wouldn't try to pretend they do. is that too much to ask.

here is something I wrote a few days ago that might help...

I need you to...
...listen when I talk, and recognize that when I don't say anything that I am still hurting, but I just can't find any words to explain it.
...be ok with me venting and whining and being angry for what may seem like no good reason
...call me, just to say 'hi', I found out this week how much that really can chnage things
...not be convinced so easily that I am ok when I say I'm ok, most of the time that is just the easy thing to say, and what I think you want to hear
...sit with me while I cry. most of the people I cry with right now can't be physically present in my life right now, it would be nice to know that there are people locally that I can cry with.

I know that doesn't help alot. I know ppl want to know what they can physically do but really, I don't know. I mean-- food taken care of. got clothes, and a place to live. when I run across something I need I will let ya know, but really, I need emotional support more than anything. I feel like most of my really good friends are far away (either physically distant or just dealing with their own shit so they need space too) maybe that is hard to understand too though....

today was good. some people were Jesus to me in pratical ways, which is really how Jesus was, right? I think I forget that so much because most be try to be Jesus to us by talking our ears off about how good god is, and how we should just trust god. but wwhen Jesus helped ppl is was pratical. someone was blind-- he gave them sight; someone was hungry-- he fed them. he very rarely went around preaching to people who were in need, he met the need, and then sometimes he 'preached' and sometimes he didn't. so where do we get off going up to hurting needy ppl trying to convince ppl that god loves them and is a good god with helping them? so yeah... just some thoughts....

small group and other random thoughts

so the way we do small groups at our church is done to follow the school calander, we do a semester at a time. this semester has been difficult for me. not real sure why (ok maybe that is a lie, but that's another story for another post) The thing is I just can't find a place that I really feel like I connect with ppl and the little ppl aren't causeing me stress. so I have been going back and forth, not really having a small group 'home' so to speak. this adds to tension that already exists in my life, and makes me feel even more alone. is there no safe place? anyway, tonight is small group night and I plan on going to a small group (even though I am exhausted and close to the end of myself) because I really need a forum to discuss some stuff going on and try to figure out how to live some things that only seem like theories right now. unfortunatly this conversation could come across as me just being pissed (Yep that is where I tend to find myself alot these days) or trying to start trouble. so the decision about which small group to go to has to be made very carefully. and as I sit here it occurs to me that maybe this shouldn't be this hard. maybe I just over anylize things too much, and I am making something out of nothing. all this could be ture, but it feels important.
All that on top of the fact that I feel like a really big failure right now. it's all just confusing and it hurts alot

so I've decided that I am just going to give up... pretending that is. I'm just going to sit and be pissed off at god for a while. I've been told this is ok, that god can handle it, and that there are enough ppl that are believing in god's grace ans mercy for me right now. so, on the advice of my great friends here I am, sitting, being pissed off. it doesn't change much, and it doesn't feel alot better than pretending to be ok when in reality I'm pissed off. but this is where I am right now...

sometimes emotions get the best of me and I just have to sit and cry. This weekend has been a fun weekend with lots of good connections and re-connections with ppl. nothing very emotionally charged. but today, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it is all the emotions I should have been feeling during the weekend. I realized that not only was the weekend not emotionally charged, I was pretty emotionally void. until today. since friday afternoon there have been several random events that should have had strong emotions attatched (should because we are humans and emotional beings, not should have because I am an emotional wreck and everything has strong emotions attatched) but at the time each of these events just felt like something to pass the time until the next thing happened. Today all those emotions bombarded me and I found myself crying until there were no more tears, feeling exteremely loves and hated, angry, hurt, and cared for all at the same time. that can make a person think they are crazy ya know. and just when I thought it was all over I got a visit from a friend and it was all brought back to the surface again, but this time there was someone to feel all that with me, and to tell me I wasn't crazy and that I am going to make it through this, somehow... I just wish I knew how....