today was almost normal. other than being exhausted nothing traumatic happened, and there were even some good things. tonight reaffirmed my thoughts that I need a ladies only small group. and I got to have a good conversation with someone, it was much needed even if it didn't resolve anything... I hope that I get to go on "vacation" at the end of Nov. but I just don't see it happening. I won't have the money, and I just really don't see me being able to do it. it makes me sad to know that I will miss NYWC this year. it has been my retreat, my time to get away and refocus. even though I'm not doing youth ministry right now I know it is what I am supposed to do. and being with all those other ppl that share that passion is just a great time. not to mention getting to see my buddies, and have face time. it just makes me so sad that I don't get that this year. eveyone keeps telling me not to give up hope, something could work out and I could still go. I just don't see it happening, unless I run across a money tree. if any of you find one let me know though. I think more than anything I was hoping to go so I could get away for a little bit and relax, but relaxing just doesn't seem to bein my game plan right now. too much going on.

and I have a problem. there are a couple ppl in my life right now that are just not very helpful. it isn't their fault, I think they just don't understand. they want to be encouraging, but it comes across as arrogance, and it is just hurtful. it adds to the guilt and shame that I already have. I know the best thing is let them know that I hear what they are saying but I'm just not in a place where that is my reality. but that is alot easier said than done. right now it all just makes me angry. I recognize that very few ppl are going to be able to understand my pain and my reality right now, but I just wish the ppl that really can't understand it wouldn't try to pretend they do. is that too much to ask.

here is something I wrote a few days ago that might help...

I need you to...
...listen when I talk, and recognize that when I don't say anything that I am still hurting, but I just can't find any words to explain it.
...be ok with me venting and whining and being angry for what may seem like no good reason
...call me, just to say 'hi', I found out this week how much that really can chnage things
...not be convinced so easily that I am ok when I say I'm ok, most of the time that is just the easy thing to say, and what I think you want to hear
...sit with me while I cry. most of the people I cry with right now can't be physically present in my life right now, it would be nice to know that there are people locally that I can cry with.

I know that doesn't help alot. I know ppl want to know what they can physically do but really, I don't know. I mean-- food taken care of. got clothes, and a place to live. when I run across something I need I will let ya know, but really, I need emotional support more than anything. I feel like most of my really good friends are far away (either physically distant or just dealing with their own shit so they need space too) maybe that is hard to understand too though....