there is a strong possibility that i could be divorced before my birthday.... I don't know how I really feel about that. Lots going on in my head right now. It is really easy to believe that everyone else's lives will work out, but it is really hard to believe that for me. I guess there are alot of things like that. things that I can see as true for other ppl, but i just can't recognize them as true for me. I guess that is one reason it is so important to be connected to ppl right now. We can hold on to truth for each other, until we can claim the truth for ourselves.

here it is 7pm and I haven't been out of my pj's all day. didn't get much accomplished that I had wanted to, even though most of it wasn't stuff that would be noticed by many ppl anyway. soon the little ppl will be in bed and I will have some time think and hopefully connect with some ppl. I really feel like I need to be connected right now, and I feel pretty disconnected.

I was thinking about how Jesus interacted with sinner during his life. With sinners he was never pushy or rude, so why is it that the church thinks they have a right to be pushy and rude? why is it that we can't learn from Jesus and be tender and gentle with sinners, after all they are the ones that need it most. we tend to do just the opposite of what Jesus did. We beat up sinners and we gentle with religious ppl... that just doesn't sit well with me. Thankfully I am not in a church that likes to beat up sinners, but I know alot of ppl that are or have been. Those ppl have consumed my thoughts today. I hope they find a church (or even just a random group of ppl) that is willing to be Jesus to them, because that is when healing will begin.

ok so right now I think I am on somewhat of a bloging binge. not a bad thing I guess, but there isn't anything all that important to write about.... it's memorial day, and most of the ppl I know (or at least care to associate with) are out of town :( M is in town, she came over last night and we had some wine and chatted for a bit. It was a nice break from the physical aloneness I had been feeling. The little ppl are good, but not the best at listening, and the long distance friends are amazing but there is always the knowledge that they aren't close enough to touch. I think one of the hardest things about physical lonliness is that you don't get to touch ppl. There isn't anyone to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you will get through this. I have ppl telling me that I will get through this, but it feels more promising when it is accompanied by a hug.
Last night M and I talked about asking for what we need. I don't think I do that very well. The ppl around me have been/are great about helping me out, and making sure I am taken care of, at least physically. but when they ask what I need I have trouble figuring it out. I think I realized last night that it is because I always assume they want to know what I physically need, and most of that is taken care of for the moment. So I think I am gonna spend sometime trying to figure out what I need that other ppl can give me. That leads to isseus too though. I don't want to ask for what I need because I don't want to become whiney or needy. I feel like I am both right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time before every one get tired of me, and my situation, and they will leave my life (or ask me to leave theirs.)

And there is another issue right now, something that I am just pretending isn't there in hopes that it will go away. At this point that isn't looking very likely thoguh. So maybe I should work on taking care of it today too.

100 questions

I need to do something to take my mind off some stuff so maybe this will work...

1. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
~i'm not convinced that it can happen at least not for me...

2. Do you bite your toenails?
~no, but I did until I was in high school

3. Are you a jealous person?
~sometimes

4. What are you allergic to?
~sour cream, and all those plants that make you itchy

5. What books, if any, have made you cry?
~lots of books make me cry the most recent was Blessed Are the Desperate For they Will Find Hope

6. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
~yes, but I have come to expect it from alot of ppl

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
~cookie dough, or Cotton Candy Explosion from that one place by where I used to live

8. If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest what would you do/say?
~I'd tell them that I didn't want to date them (but I don't think I will ever have that problem)

9. What would you rather be doing right now?
~sleeping, or maybe talking to someone

10. What song lyrics, if any, are stuck in your head at the moment?
~Gravity by Allison Krauss

12. What did you dress up as for last Halloween?
~last halloween, nothing

13. What's your favorite TV show, now or in the past?
~haven't watched TV in over a month but I was an avid LOST fan

14. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
~currently the same sex (Most men suck)

15. Can others make you cry easily?
~not really, there are a couple of ppl that can though

16. Who was the last person to piss you off?
~I think here lately I have been mostly pissed at myself

17. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
~no

18. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
~not all that much

19. If you could be any type of fruit what would you be?
~Kiwi

20. Were you a "planned" child?
~no

21. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
~I currently have 4 pairs in my posession, but I own alot

22. What was the last thing to scare you?
~my husband...

23. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
~about 6 to function most of the time, right now it is alot more though

24. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
~Southern Comfort and Diet coke, or good wine

25. When was the last time you slept on the floor? )
~a couple weeks ago....

26. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
~physical attractiveness is all relative anyway

27. What personality traits are a must-have in the opposite sex?
~loving, kind, patient, we could go on forever...

28. Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes?
~only if I don't have to take 2 preschool kids alone on an airplane

29. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
~probably not

30. Have you ever dated someone out of your religion?
~yeah

31. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
~if he asks...

32. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
~yes, and hopefully soon....

33. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
~I wish more than I plan these days, but that is starting to change a bit

34. Can you speak any languages other than English?
~I can speak some french, I was only one semester away from having a minor in it

35. What is your favorite salad dressing?
~rassberry vinigarette

36. What movies do you know every line to?
~Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, and Fight Club

37. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
~yeah

38. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
~yep

39. When was the last time someone hit you?
~been a while

40. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
~depends on what it is of and who is in it

41. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
~do they make shoes that aren't flip-flops?

42. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~potatoes and something...

43. How many siblings do you have, and where are you in the rank?
~one older sis

44. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
~I try to do sweet things all the time

45. When was your last road trip?
~does yesterday count?

46. Name 3 schools you went to:
~University of Southern MS, Warren Central High, Culkin Elementary

47. Name 3 things in your pockets/wallet:
~changes, lighter, paper with a phone # on it

48. Three names you go by:
~lisa, mommy, hey you

49. Who is in the house with you?
~the little ppl

50. Who are you thinking about right now?
I'm not telling

51. How tall are you barefoot?
5'8"

52. Have you ever smoked heroin?
~nope

53. Do you own a gun?
~nope

54. Do you have a crush on someone?
~If I told you I might have to kill you

55. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
~yeah, parents don't like me much

56. What do you think of hotdogs?
~they were ment to be dipped in batter and cooked til golden brown

57. What's your favorite Christmas song?
~the ones I haven't ever heard

58. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
~coffee or diet coke

59. Do you do push-ups?
~nope

60. Have you ever done ecstasy?
~nope

62. Do you like painkillers?
~not really

63. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
~well, whatever it is it only lures the wrong kinda guys so it must not be too good

64. Do you own a knife?
~yes

65. Do you have A.D.D.?
~nope

66. Middle Name?
~Gayle

67. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
~it's almost time to go, I am still tired, I need to figure this out

68. Name the last 3 things you have bought.
~a soda, dinner last night, stamps

69. Name five drinks you regularly drink?
~water, coffee, diet coke... those are the only things I drink regularly

70. What time did you wake up today?
~8:30am

71. Current worry?
~you would be here all day

72. Have you ever been in love?
~yes

73. Current hate?
~me

74. Favorite place to be?
~the beach or the mountains

75. Least favorite place to be?
~alive most days

76. Where do you want to be?
~with someone that loves me

77. Do you own slippers?
~nope

78. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
~I don't even know where I will be tomorrow

79. Do you burn or tan?
~burn

80. Favorite color?
~black and pink

81. Would you be a pirate?
~I don't think so

82. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
~night before last

83. What songs do you sing in the shower?
~most of the time I don't

84. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
~a monster

85. What's in your pockets right now?
~a lighter

86. Last thing that made you laugh?
~a conversation with my sweet friend

87. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
~any were fine

88. Worst injury you've ever had?
~broke my wrist in 6th grade and broke all my toes one summer

90. How many TVs do you have in your house?
~I don't have a house

91. Who is your loudest friend?
~most of my friends are pretty loud

92. Who is your most silent friend?
~mindi probably

93. Does someone have a crush on you?
~not sure

94. Do you wish on stars?
~no but I love to look at them

95. What is your favorite book?
~too many to name

96. What is your favorite candy?
~regular Hershey's bar

97. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
~doesn't matter anymore...

98. What song do you want played at your funeral?
~play whatever you want I will be gone

99. What were you doing 12AM last night?
~I was actually sleeping last night

100. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
~I should go back to sleep

Yesterday...

so it was a long exhausting day yesterday, but I did have 11 hours in a car, half of it completely alone, the other half with just the little ppl, so I had alot of time to think. I started thinking about relationships I'm in and the fact that I will always be in relationships with ppl no matter how much I don't want to be. I know there are a couple relationships in my life that need to be redefined (or maybe defined for the first time) so that there are no misunderstandings (ok so there will always be misunderstandings but there will be less this way) and so that we bot (or all) know where we are coming from and going. There need to be bounderies in some of my relationships that currently have none. For the most part all of this seems like normal life stuff to everyone else, but right now it is a huge deal. Over the past year I have lost every close friend I had with the exception of 1 and I think that is mostly due to lack of bounderies and deffinition. I miss those relationships alot sometimes, but other times I know that this is how things have to be. I don't want to make those same mistakes again though. I want to keep the ppl that are currently in my life. I don't want to lose them because we failed to do something that most ppl do naturally. I think my largest problem is that right now I am pretty relationally retarded. it will take time and practice learning how to be in functioning relationships with ppl, and I will probably lose more relationships before it gets better, but I have no doubt that it will get better

This week has been a roller coaster. some really good things have happened and in an attempt to share my joy, not just my pain, I am going to post a few of those really good things...
-reconnected with a friend that I haven't heard from in months. It is good to have this person in my life, good for both of us....
-I've been really supported by some unlikely ppl this week, one's that have been in the background for most of this ordeal, but have stepped up this week an shown they cared
-got to working on the plan, not just planing it (more to come on this in the near future)
-started believing God may like me just a little bit.
-Felt things (good things) that I haven't felt in a while
-haven't cut in 2 days now

ok, so right now that is all the good stuff I can think of. oh wait one more thing...Found out that I have gone down 3 pants sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (2 in the last month)

so tomorrow I will be taking a road trip to TX... still not sure how I feel about it. I am going alone, so it is going to be long, but I think it will be good. it will give me time to work some stuff out that is running around in my head. I never thought that I would be dealing with some of the thoughts, feelings, issues, ect. that I am right now. it makes everything harder. and God still seems pretty darn far away, and that makes it tough too. but I think I am moving in the right direction. That direction being toward Him and His love. nights like tonight make me feel like He might really love me. and it is the little things that make it feel like that, like conversations with friends and pink furry hats, and hamster key chains. that is where I am finding God's love these days...

so recently I have been reading more books than one person should have time to read in such a short period of time. the other day someone asked me what the most helpful thing I have read has been. I was completely stumped. I'm supposed to be reading things that are helpful? I mean it isn't like I am reading trash, as a matter of fact, not one book I have read has been non-fiction. but most of the books are only making me madder, making me realize that God is sovereign and I am just stupid for not realizing this in the middle of the shit pile I am currently standing in, or that my life could be a hell of alot worse so I should be happy instead of miserable. so yeah all the books I am reading are only making me feel worse. I am sure on the other side of all this I will be like "yeah all those books that I read were right" but right now I feel like they might just be making me feel worse about the whole situation....
any suggestions on how to get over this, or books that might help, are welcomed.

A conversation with a friend...

So around lunch time the other day my friend comes in and, as usual, she is on the phone. she is tell the person on the other end of the phone about the shit that happened earlier in the day then she says "I think God hates me" to which I reply the only way I can "I think he hates me more" at this point the person on the other end of the phone becomes a bystander in our converstation. my friend agreed that God hates me more, or at least that my case is stronger than hers, and then decides that maybe that is why I am in her life. I say "Yep, that is why all this is happening to me, so ppl can look at me and say, 'God must love me at least a little bit because my life isn't as fucked up as her's'" we both laugh hysterically to keep from crying. that is how life has been for a little while now

today was lazy (when your in survival mode most days feel lazy) I didn't sleep well last night. so I slept off and on all day, mostly in one hour increments waking up due to random bad/weird dreams that seemed too real. sat on the back porch for a long time watching the birds and having random conversation with K. then we went to eat. K's bday is tomorrow and so we ate birthday dinner. I couldn't let her eat birthday dinner alone. it was a good time. we talked about relationships and the mess that we call life. I am so very glad she is in my life. Like I told her, I don't think I am doing amazingly well because of me, but mostly because of the amazing ppl in my life. thankfully there is lots of support. there are also lots of unsupportive ppl. sometimes it becomes hard to tell the truth from all the lies. thankfully today is not one of those days.


right now I feel like this whole situation might me the direct result of me praying that God would allow me to see what true community is, how it looks, and how it functions in the midst of the disfunction of life. This really isn't what I had in mind when I asked for that. I didn't mean for my life to fall apart.

so I am horrible about updating, but recent events in my life are just to draining and time consuming to type out after living them all day long. one day I will write it all down for those of you that aren't able to physically be around so you will know what happened in my absence from the world wide web.

Right now I want to talk about Jesus. I think I have talked about "jesus experiences" here but this is almost more than that. For my whole life I alway thought something was missing from the churches I attened, now I am beginning to wonder if that thing has been Jesus, or at least the real Jesus. thinking about the past couple of week and how my community of faith has responded makes me see a really good picture (not perfect by any means but better than anything I have seen before) of who the Bible portrays Jesus as. I mean I have seen other ppl go through similar things inside a church environment and they come out more beaten up by the church than the situation. Jesus didn't go around beating up ppl that were already broken and wounded. He was there to give them comfort, not to condemn them. He was there to offer what he could, not tell them they aren't doing enough. he was there to love them, not judge them. He came for the sick and wounded not the rightous. anyways, the community that I have been blessed to be a part of for not even a full year has really come together to love on me. and I have no doubt that that love will continue. I just wish all churches could be Jesus to ppl like this. my wish is that everyone could have a community of amazing ppl like I have here.