Monday, May 29, 2006

ok so right now I think I am on somewhat of a bloging binge. not a bad thing I guess, but there isn't anything all that important to write about.... it's memorial day, and most of the ppl I know (or at least care to associate with) are out of town :( M is in town, she came over last night and we had some wine and chatted for a bit. It was a nice break from the physical aloneness I had been feeling. The little ppl are good, but not the best at listening, and the long distance friends are amazing but there is always the knowledge that they aren't close enough to touch. I think one of the hardest things about physical lonliness is that you don't get to touch ppl. There isn't anyone to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you will get through this. I have ppl telling me that I will get through this, but it feels more promising when it is accompanied by a hug.
Last night M and I talked about asking for what we need. I don't think I do that very well. The ppl around me have been/are great about helping me out, and making sure I am taken care of, at least physically. but when they ask what I need I have trouble figuring it out. I think I realized last night that it is because I always assume they want to know what I physically need, and most of that is taken care of for the moment. So I think I am gonna spend sometime trying to figure out what I need that other ppl can give me. That leads to isseus too though. I don't want to ask for what I need because I don't want to become whiney or needy. I feel like I am both right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time before every one get tired of me, and my situation, and they will leave my life (or ask me to leave theirs.)

And there is another issue right now, something that I am just pretending isn't there in hopes that it will go away. At this point that isn't looking very likely thoguh. So maybe I should work on taking care of it today too.

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