new years ever? what is going on this year guys? for the past few years there was no need to make plans, because it was always to the in laws house, but this year we aren't doing that, (mostly bc the inlaws live in ca now.) so what are we doing? come give me something to work with here!

I feel very disconnected right now. if I can just make it through this week I will be ok. then I can go to the dr, and find out what is wrong. but this week I just can't. I am kinda sad. and I feel icky. I have to go to work soon, so I should probably start trying to move now. this morning my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. I must have passed out again, it seemed like an eternity before it went off again, but it was only 9 mins. I feel really lightheaded, so I ate, but now i just feel like I might throw up. everyone says I should go to the dr, NOW, but I think I can wait. just one more week. just til mon. I will be ok, really I will.

I think something is wrong, even more wrong than I could have ever imagined...... I've lost 23 pounds in just over 2 months, and I don't lose weight, especially when I am not trying. I passed out in walmart today. It was really scarry, especially since I had the little ppl with me. I don't know what is going on....

Happy Chistmas Eve!

here it is already the afternoon of christmas eve. where has the day gone. I even got up at 8 this morning. I have been reading Prozac Nation today, and I have to layed down after every chapter. maybe that is where my day has gone, to napping in between chapters of prozac nation what a way to spend christmas eve. soon I will be getting ready to go to the Christmas eve service, and then... I don't know. I think that somehow I was convinved that we should open presents tonight so we could sleep in tomorrow before going to my dad's. it is gonna be fun. I want to spend later tonight with my friends, once the girls are in bed, but I don't know if tim will be ok with that. I won't get to see them tomorrow because I will be at dad's house. but for some reason it feels important to spend time with them. they are a different kind of family. maybe I will get be with them for a while. I'm cold. and the girls need to eat.....

I need to be filling out last min. christmas cards (the ones that I do more than just sign for close friends. that I will be hand delivering tomorrow) and I need to be doing cleaning, but none of that is quiet too appealing right now. a friend asked me what my dream job is, it is no job at all. not that I don't want to work, but my dream job wouldn't even have to pay as long as I got to do it. if it did pay that would be good but not necessity. it is more of a vision than a job really. I might talk about it more later when I have it worked out more. I don't know.....

thinking out loud, for just a min.

hmmm... it has been another long week, but I have almost made it, not by anything I have done however. God is making me rely on him more. it is tough. but I know he is going to provide. it is like he has said, "ok you tried it your way, and it didn't work out so great, now let me tak over" but that is really hard. right now I am ok, but I think it is because I am so tired I can't even worry. last night was great. I got away for a while. and for the first time in a while, I felt like it was ok. not that life was ok, but that I was ok. sometimes I think me being ok isn't important, but maybe it is. the random thoughts that are running through my head are getting all jumbled right now. this is what makes ppl go crazy.

I feel like crap... there could be a couple reasons for this, but I think it is a UTI or kidney infection more likely, being that UTI's rarely faze me anymore.
so in good news the van will be fixed tomorrow. if it is done by lunch then we will go get it then, if not it will be Wed morning, because the stupid place closes at 5pm and I don't get off til 5.... ugh. but they do open at 7:30am. so by mid week I will have my lovely van back. I promise to take better care of her.(even though most of the problem is that I just drive way too much)
Christmas is on its way. I've already gotten the best thing ever. I have great friedns and I feel more loved than I have in a really long time.
I was thinking about christmas memories today. my favorite christmas growing up was my Sr. year. yea that is a bit weird since it was just a month be for that I that I got kicked out of my dad's house. but I got to experience Christmas in a completely different way that year. I went to the mountains in NM and spent christmas with some ppl that are still very dear to me. I didn't get alot of stuff, but it was great. I think this will be one of those christmases too. you know, the ones where what you learn is so much more important than what you get. I like those the best. and I have concluded that hugs are the best presents

the word wrapped in flesh, dwelling among us. that is what it is about. S talked about this tonight. about how when god has an important message for us he wrapps it in flesh and sends it to us. in the old testemant it was the angel of the Lord, and then god wrapped up is grace and his truth up in flesh, called it Jesus, and sent it to live among us. how amazing is that. and now god wrapps his grace and truth, and everything else that he is, up in us so that we can be that for ppl. I knew just what was being siad tonight. it has been happening to be alot lately. ppl being jesus in the flesh to me, and to my family. I love it. I still don't know that I can be that for anyone else, but maybe that is when it happens, when we don't even know it is happening. hmmmm.... I love having Jesus moments, no matter how small they are. like tonight, it was as small as k just putting her arm around me.
I'm trying to work out lots of things. anger, denial, worry, fear.... it all seems to come at once. and there are some things that I am convinced will never make since. I don't know...

A christmas story....

so with the van broke, and all the other random crap going on, we had decided that christmas wasn't going to be about presents this year (it isn't about presents anyway,but wth little kids it is hard.) so I had asked some friends to pray about the $$ situation, and one of them convinved me to make an amazon wishlist for the girls. so I did. and in less the 24 hours the list had been purchased, and now the presents have started arriving. there are a couple of things that are really special about this to me. the first being that it makes me feel really loved. I don't feel worthy to have friends this great. I don't deserve any of this, but that is kinda like God. We didn't deserve the wonderfully precious gift of his Son dying for our sins, but we get it, all be have to do is accept it. the other thing that was so great about this was that someone had amazon wrap the presents before they were shipped, and the gift tag on those presents says "Enjoy my birthday, Love Jesus" I read it to stacey the other day and now she is so excited that Jesus sent her a present. I am so greatful that there are ppl that are willing to be Jesus to my family. I didn't even think I wanted anything for Christmas, but I realize that I have gotten the only thing that I could want, I am happy and I feel loved.

sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it, only to find out that it is worth so much more....

I have great friends. all the ppl in my life are so amazing. thank you all for what you do, for what you have done, and for what I am sure you will do in the future. It all means the world to me. but thank you most of all for loving me, even when I am in the middle of not loving myself.

so there is alot going on, but most of it is internal and doesn't make much sense to me right now. I have amazing friends, great kids, a wonderful husband.... but I feel alone, and hurt. I don't know why. I am sure it is somthng I have created. I have alot to do today, but instead I am here. trying to figure out what is going on, and why. the house is a wreck, but I think it is just an outward reflection of my heart right now. it has been a long and rough week. I have seen the love of God in ppl like never before, but at the same time I feel so far from that place. I feel like I am so worthless. I know this isn't true, but that is how I feel. I just need to find a way to tranlate the knowledge from my head to my heart. I hear all the words ppl say, and they all sound so good, but it doesn't help.

so I need to blog about not blogging, or at the very least the whole online journal scene. I think I will post this on all my journals. let me explain what has happened. I have 3 online journals. this one, one at live journal, and one at xanga. they are all very different. this one is to keep me connected to my virtual world. all the ppl I know online, and a couple of ppl that cross over. it is random updates on life and stuff, sometimes deep, sometimes now. xanga (where I have been spending most of my time) is mostly kept for my community of physical ppl. the ones I see. I say things there that I don't say in real life for one reason or another. it is about me, but different than blogger. and live journal is a very small part of my online journaling life. I keep up with a select few ppl there that I love very much. I seldomly update there, but when I do I know that it will be read. it is all about audiance. not that I am a different person on each journal, but I share different parts of my life at different places. so there.

happiness.....

wow! I am really overwhelmed right now. this has been a big week. I feel so loved right now, and it rocks. I was so afraid that this was going to turn out bad, real bad. but instead it turned out better than I could have ever hoped for. how amazing is this? how great is it to feel so loved? I just want to hold onto this feeling forever. life isn't ok, but knowing how much I am loved makes it seem a little bit better. man this is so cool.

tomorrow is sunday. I have come to really like sunday alot. first of all I get to sleep in. that is always a good thing. then, I don't have to do anything when I wake up. sure the little ppl need tending to, but the are growing up, and they want to be independent, so I let them, for the most part. then on sunday nights I get to be with a ton of really great ppl that I love and worship God. what could be better? its not about going to church. going to church is something I have done most of my life. this is different. we don't go to church, we attempt to be church. not just on sunday night (we don't meet on sunday mornings at all) but all the time. we don't always succeed, but that is ok. it is all part of it. I love the fact that there are ppl that are ok with the fact that I screw up, because i do, ALOT. church is taking on a new meaning for me. church is ppl not places. church isn't somewhere you go, or even something you do, it is something we are.

I am thinking about doing something to my hair this weekend. I guess you will just have to wait and see (and if I update as frequntly as I have been you might have to wait a while) In other news, I am starting to like new ppl alot. yeah it is weird, and so are they.
went to artmix last night. it was cool. there were ice sculptures. it rocked. if it doesn't rain tomorrow I might take the little ppl to the park. got to clean up the house too. ugh, I hate cleaning. but it has to be done. no insightful stuff today. maybe later my brain will feel more like working

the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....