Have you ever had one of those days that just sucked from the begining? That was how today started. I am still sick, I got no sleep at all last night, and the little ppl were up at 8am. Things got better though. I was thinking about a friend, and then I talked to them. It made me smile. I love suprise phone calls from ppl far away. I miss my friends that don't live close. I still feel like crap. I was a little better yesterday, I didn't throw up at all, but that was short lived. now I hurt, and I am puking again. YAY. Blah....I should take my temp again, but the only thermometer close it the crappy one that doesn't work well; it is supposed to be a "lighening" fast and accurate, but it always says everyone's temp is 97.1. It lies and does me no good. I will go get the other one.... okay now the temp has been taken with the slightly slower, but far more accurate thermometer. it was only 99.3. I don't think it has been that low in a few days. maybe I am getting better. One can only hope....

ick

yep I am still sick. and at this exact moment I feel worse than I have the whole time I have been sick. *pause to take temp* well it is 99.5 yay. this morning I felt okay. almost not sick at all even. but by early afternoon I thought I was going to die. I even woke up early this morning (early being before noon, remember I have to get used to staying up all night) but now I feel like crap again. I am irritated, hot, and tired. oh for anyone coming to my house for church tomorrow night I am NOT cooking. sorry. I feel like crap and I don't want to spend all day cooking something that I won't even be able to eat and keep down for more then 20 mins. today I have eaten like a handful of Cheez-Its and managed not to throw up. and I drank water. yep. at least I might lose some weight while I am sick and can't eat anything. did you know that one serving of Cheez-its is about 27 crackers? that is alot. I can only eat about 10 at a time without feeling like they are gonna come up. well, I think I am going to just lay on the couch all day tomorrow til time for church. sorry again about not cooking but I just don't think I will have the energy.

This weekend didn't turn out exactly as anticipated, but it was fun all the same. I did end up going to see my dad today, but that is a long story. I think I have felt the crappiest today, by far. I just wanted to sleep all day. I feel like I am never going to have my dream life, but maybe that is why it is a dream. maybe I just dream to big. I don't know. I feel like I should stop trying. I mean it isn't like I have a bad life, it just isn't exactly how I want it, and I don't know if it can ever be. I have always dreamed big. some of those dreams will never happen now, but some of them still could happen. who knows what will happen from here, but I do know that it can't be much worse than it is right at this moment. i feel like crap. tomorrow will be better though...

I should say something

I was going to write something yesterday, but then I decided that what I had to say wasn't as important as I thought at the time. We are broke, but that is begining to feel like the normal thing. I think that once we get to the other side of this I will not use the term broke so losely. I mean we are really BROKE now. I don't know why ppl say they are broke when they have $$ to buy things they don't need, but I did it to. I am going to try not to do it anymore. now that I have seen really broke I understand.
I am also sick, but can't go to the dr. no insurance and all that crap. I told mom that if my fever happened to get up above 100 I would go to the ER. I hope that doesn't occur, but if it does I will know that it is time to go, even if we can't pay for it. I don't want this to turn into something bad, which I am afraid it might be getting there, because I have felt crappy for the better part of 2 weeks now. and this is one of those things that doesn't just get better on its own with time. Thankfully it is also not one of those things that can be given to other ppl because life still must go on, no matter how crappy I feel. today was by far the worst. I laid around all day wanting to die. but then mom brought me some medicine when she got off work and it has made me feel a bit better.
so tomorrow I think I will stop by roo's house for the party, but I will obly stay for a bit as I have to go to a family thing on sunday and must be up early in the am. I wouldn't go but mom gave me gas money and said that I need to be there. so I am going.
other than that life in general is kinda crappy. I feel like most everything I have done for the past few years has been wrong, and not alot of ppl are helping the situation. I keep thinking "if I had just..." then things wouldn't be this way now. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I feel like most of it is my fault.
ok now I am just rambleing so I think I will go to bed now, after taking some more medicine that is....

Life.... Blah....

Life has gotten to me. I don't want to do it anymore. I know that all the things going on are just temporary and that on the other side of it all things are gonna be wonderful, but right now it sucks. I think I am going to start writing. not just bloging, but really writing. I just don't know what or when I will find time to do it. I need to do something. maybe I will...

have you ever done a search using your name? I did so earlier and the results made me sad. There were tons of Lisa Alexander's that were sucsseful, important ppl. Doctors, lawyers, managers, writers, producers, ect. All ppl I will never be; ppl I once dreamed of being. I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like chasing my dreams has cost me everything, and trying to have a perfect world has made my world so imperfect. I have made decsions that have ment that I will never be the person I once dreamed of being. I don't want to regret the choices I have made, but at times like this I do. I feel like it is all my fault that things are this way. I made bad choices, I made decsions without thinking through the possible ramifications, and now this is what I have to show for it. I know what I want to do, but I also know that I will never get there. At one time it wasn't so far out of my reach, but now.... Now I have to live with the choices I have made. My life isn't all bad, but I can see that this next little while is going to be rough, rougher than almost anything I have gone through. I know that this too shall pass, but right now it seems only a distant hope.

I feel like a failure, and I hate that. more than anything I want to make everyone take notice and listen to what I have to say, but it seems that no one takes notice of someone that has spent the past four and a half years being a mom and nothing more. And no one listens to someone that doesn't have any fromal training on the subject at hand.

Experience... what is experience? I was filling out a job application once and I wondered if they would count all the hours I spent running myself into the ground, just to prove that love really did exisit to a 16 yr old girl, as experience. Or would the think that the fact that I over came unspeakable odds, to graduate at the top of my high school class, despite the fact that I had been kicked out of my father's house and was living on my own, as experience. then I realized that this wasn't the type of experience they were asking about, even though it was the type of experience that would be relevant to the job. they wanted to know where I had worked and what I had done there. I didn't get that job, or any others like it because I didn't have the experience they wanted, and I didn't have a degree. I finally gave up. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be the person they wanted me to be because I am a mom, and that experience isn't very benifical, apperently, in any line of work, because you don't recieve a degree or certification from it.

Ever feel like you are being punished for something you were given permission to do?



Just wondering...

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interviews at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interview with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interview's at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interveiw with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

the day that refuses to end...

it has been a long day. I can't sleep, but I need to.... for details on the fun filled adventures of the afternoon check this out.... the best part was throwing the stuff... anyways from there we went on the mission for mason (who by the way I don't even know, but I do know that he is serving in Iraq currenetly) it was long and very unorganized. no one knew what was going on and plans were changed frequently (this is to be expected most of the time with this circle of friends however). all is well now though and I think everything is taken care of. and I NEED to get some sleep.... maybe I will have better luck now...

thinking....

I was just thinking about the parts of my past that I really miss... nothing too moonumental came from this thought process. but I realized that I am horrible at keeping in touch with ppl. a little bit ago someone asked me if I knew where my ex-step sister was... this is something that I really should know. Not that we were ever all that close, but you would think that I would have tried to stay in touch in some way.... but I didn't... I do know where a few ppl from my past are, but there are many more that I regret losing contact with. but then I wonder if finding these ppl would make a difference. I mean some of these ppl contributed to the really bad parts of my life. If I went out of my way to go back and find them would it make my life better? I don't know. for now I think things are best left where they are. Except for the case of my step sister. it is important that I figure out where she is, not for me, but for a friend. it is important to her, so it has become important to me. I need to call dad back and see if he has had a chance to look for an adress or number or something...

uh sorry....

Okay it has come to my attention that I could have hurt several ppl without knowing it, just by posting my most previous post. Sorry. really I am. It wasn't truely about any one person, or even group of ppl. I do have some REALLY amazing friends, and I am blessed to be a part of several groups that could be considered communities. I also want to state publicly that I do LOVE my church, there are just times when I wish there were more to it. so if anyone got offended and mad or hurt, I am sorry, it isn't about YOU!!! Really it is about me, it is about stuff that I am going through, and questions that I am asking. if it were about you, I promise you would know... as for right now, I feel crappy. I am nauseous, and my head hurts... but that is for a different day I suppose. just know that I am sorry... and I love you all...

longing....

I sit her broken hearted tonight. I realize that I don't have community, and I long so desperatly for it. the church I am at currently meets once a week for a couple of hours and we don't even talk the rest of the time... we aren't acessible to each other, and we only let the others see what we want them to see. I saw something that resembled community tonight. People intentionally getting to know each other, the real ppl not just the facade. I want that!!! I long for that so greatly. I am crushed by the realization that I have no clue where to start. I feel like I have had that before, but now I am just doing church, not being church. Church shouldn't be something I just do once a week for a couple of hours. I need something else, something more. I desire community, and I thought this new situation would help, bur so far it hasn't. maybe I have not given it enough time. maybe I am not doing my part. maybe.... I don't know.. I am torn over what to so... I am sad, and hurtting...

blah....

I got some shoking news today (no I am not pregnant, why do ppl always assume that when I say I have news???) the news itself isn't important, the important part is that it leaves all of life confused again... YAY! thankfully we are just coming out of our last confused life state, so maybe we will be able to keep sight of the really important things this time... I know that whatever happens will be for the best, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I am being forced to hold my breath for long periods of time. like I am going to pass out soon. Like the whole world is going to cave in around me. I just have to keep my focus. really I know things will be okay, I just don't know how....

in other news i think we will be having a ND party tomorrow night (firday) Roo let me know if this is still on.

Being that we are not moving, lots of things still need to be done around the house. things need to be taken to Goodwill or some such place. clothes need to be gone through. all that good stuff. Summer is rapidly approaching as well, so there will be lots of time spent outside.
My grandfather is getting remarried on the 28th. that should be a fun event, being that everyone within like 30 miles knows him or her. I am sure it will be fun though. I am glad he is happy....

still amazed!

Ok so as most anyone who has stumbled across this blog in the past month knows, we were supposed to be moving to Lexington MS, a poor middle of no where town, in the poorest county in the poorest state in the US. I was not happy about this but it looked like there was no way around it so I asumed that God had a plan. Boy did God have a plan, one bigger than I could have imagined. Monday we found a house up there and I was supposed to go up Thursday to look at it. It was a good deal, and we would be moving in at the end of the month as long as it wasn't uninhabitable. Tuesday I get a call from hubby saying he is having a bad day, boss man was at the office, ect. ect. Tuesday night I go to chill with my girl at her house. she asks when hubby will be home. I say WHAT? and she says she heard he would be back in Pearl effective Wednesday morning!!!! What the crap!!! so I call hubby and all is true. another office gained status in the Jackson area, needed a AM the AM from preal wanted to leave but stay in the Jackson area. so pearl was in need of an AM. hubby wanted to not have to move to Lexington. so all worked. God had a plan, part of wich was to scare the crap out of me and make me think I was going to have to live in the middle of nowhere. I am sure there is a reason for it all. I am still amazed by how God works.

Where will we go from here??? I have no clue, but I know it won't be to Lexington. What have I learned from all this??? God is God and he is going to take care of me, even if I don't see a way, He has made one!

So for now I am here, and I am happy, and life is good. I know that hubby will come home every night, and that I will have time for me, and that my kids will not think daddy lives at work.

Looney Tunes....

So yesterday I was hanging out on the WWW and I came a cross this site... my 4 yr old happened to be looking on to see what I was doing and promptly asked me why bugs bunny looked so mean, or something like that. Now I like the Looney tunes just the way they are. why do ppl have to go changing things just because they are old? blah....


and here is the WB studio 

Dang it's hot...

It is 83 freaking degrees!!!!!!!!!! now normally this would not bother me in the slightest because I could sit on my porch in the shade of the large umbrella, and have something cold to drink while the little ppl ran around the yard.... but today is different... I decided that I would cut the grass so that while my hubby is home for a day and a half this weekend he won't have to do it... so I have been out in this blaxing heat WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!! He better realize how much I love him....

In all this I have found a GREAT way to cool down quickly,but not too fast.... BABY WIPES.... now I really already knew how cool baby wipes were from being pregnant in the summer... but if you place a baby wipe directly on your skin and leave it there til the wipe becomes warm, then remove it your skin is so much cooler.... i still need to weed eat the ditch and such but I thought I would take a short break and tell you all of these interesting things...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today my oldest little person turns 4!!! below are some pics of her, most of them from our vacation... She is growing up so fast

Stacey with Dora 

Eating ice cream at Disneyland