Driving...

okay so the break is over, if just for the moment, because I really think I should share this with you all... first I should apologize to roo and debra... didn't mean to get all whatever tonight... it just happened... SORRY... now on to the topic at hand... as I was driving home something weird happened and I wonder if it has ever happened to any of you... be forewarned that this might end up being very graphic (as it was it my mind at the time) or not making any sense what so ever (as many things I write here lately do) so here goes...

So I was driving home and I saw the lights of an oncoming car in the distance.... I wondered what it would feel like to drift slowly into their lane and then finally collide with them head on... I wondered if I would feel the seatbelt lock and then cut through the flesh on my neck as my whole body tried not to fly forward... then I thought I would probally hit my head on the steering wheel and be knocked unconscious. I wondered if I would feel the glass from the windshield shatter over my unconscious body and slice through my clothes and then my flesh like a hot knife cutting butter.... then I wondered if it would feel good to be in so much pain.... then I wondered if I could survive such a thing...

I am not sure what made me wonder all of that... it was quite disturbing actually... maybe there is something wrong... while we were in Target I just got numb for some reason... again I am sorry you guys... I really don't know what it was... I am still numb... I don't expect you to understand... I don't even understand...

Too much of a good thing...

I think I am going to take a break from blogger for a little bit... I will still be keeping up with everyone here but just note posting anything for a while... it may only last a couple of days, or it could last longer... I don't know....I just think that too much of a good thing can be bad... so I am just going to quit for a while... just didn't want anyone to feel unloved or left out of my life while I'm gone... It is no one's fault... I just need to spend more time in the real world... When I come back I will try to explain more... yeah... and don't go abandoning all your blogs just because I am gone for a while... I will be back I promise... maybe sooner than you think... k, bye for now...

Taco Sauce...

For your reading pleasure... things that are written on the sauce from Taco Hell...

• mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Sauce
• You had me at taco
• Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future.
• Does a Grilled Stuffed Burrito qualify you for the car pool lane?
• Pick me! Pick ME!
• Open quickly.... I'm burning up in here.
• When I grow up I want to be a waterbed.

so there you have it.... deep thought from the taco sauce.... just thought I would share that with you all since roo and I went to Taco Hell and there were funny sayings on the sauce... so yeah now i am going to go and drink my sour apple martini... yeah... yummy...

..........

so blogger was being anal and unresponsive for a little bit on my end and wouldn't let me post something... so I just typed it up in Works and now I am going to copy/paste it here....


WTF!!! Why is blogger being so crappy… it just knows that I need to blog so it isn’t letting me… It can’t be normal to almost draw blood by digging your fingernails into the plam of your hand and not even feeling it… maybe that is what I need… to bleed… bleeding used to work really well… maybe it still would… but then there would be a multitude of people that were pissed of at me… and there would be the people that would say I am crazy… I thought I didn’t care about what people thought… I guess I am wrong… I hate this… I hate it all.. I’ve never wanted so badly to do something that I knew would piss so many people off and make so many people lose all respect for me…Why am I like this… why can’t I cope with every day life? Hmmm I will have to post this once blogger stops being anal…

so there it is... yeah...

the begining of a poem

Seeing you
makes me want to change
to try to be a little better
than what I've grown happy being...

Reflecting on what could have been
if ony I had tried harder...
Wanting things to be different
but crying because they are the same....

standing on the edge of reason
trying to decide
if I should just jump off...


...maybe I will finish this later

Thankksgiving...

Happy thanksgiving to all... today wasn't totally horrible as was expected... Got to hang out ith Bob for the first time in like ever... It was cool getting to talk to him... I am proud of the person he has become... so I am going to finally list the things I am thankful for... this probally won't be a complete list as I am exhausted and will forget how to type at some point...

roo- I love you and couldn't even begin to describe how thankful I am for you... we have had a very odd friendship over the years but I like where it is now... Lets agree never to let CRAP ruin our friendship, k?

mom- mostly because she moved out of my house so now we can go back to being friends again and not mother/daughter

dad- he really is a great dad even though he has made bad decisions in the past... I am also thankful that I am close enough to see him on the holidays but not close enough to see him every day

the little people- they really are fun and I know I will miss these times when they are gone... they keep me somewhat in touch with reality and have made me a little more responsible

tim- well he is my husband, you didn't expect me to leave him off the list did you??? he can be okay, but he has changed alot... we'll see what happens...

other family- they put up with me, which is more than some people... and the in-laws aren't that bad (most of the time)

BOB & Andrew- no they aren't included in the general family they are special... I was around them so much for a long time... I feel like they are my kids too... they have taught me more than they could ever know... I love you guys!!!

Stacey- she has been one of my best friends for so long... I know that she is there for me when I need her and that she will tell me the truth, which is rare... I love you!!!

friends- If I listed you all I would be up for days... you may never know just how much you mean to me... You are the people who have kept me alive, and somewhat sane... I owe you my life...

my "kids"- you what gives my life meaning... I stive to be a better peron every day because of you... I would really do ANYTHING for you...

the internet- yes I am thankful for the internet... It is my source of life at times... it is the bridge that crosses the country so that I can be in contact with all my friends...without it I would be lost

RTPC- for the first time I have found somewhere that I really feel I belong... this is my family just as much as anyone else... I don't think I could describe where I would be without RTPC...

I am sure there are other people and things that I have neglected, and I will probally get hate mail for nameing some and not others... I am sorry... these are the people and things that are right at the front of my mind daily.... I didn't mean to leave anyone out... I love you all... there isn't enough time in my day to name everything that I am thankful for, so please understand...

wygbmb...

Well, roo and I have both neglected a topic that we promised to address a week ago so I will do the honors since I remembered now... Yes I am talking about the Wealthy, Yellow, Gelatinous, Blinging, Mouse Bug!!!!!!!!!!!! okay so it isn't as cool as you thought... I guess you just had to be there... maybe I should take a pic of it so you can see it.. but you probally still wouldn't understand how great it is...

here is another pic of it

I like this pic so I am letting you all see it...:)

this is my new hair color

so I said I would get the pics up for all to see and here they are... I really like it... maybe we will take some more pics of me with it up so you can see the underneath too (it is black).... so yeah there it is....

results....

okay here are the promised results... reading them again made me feel like crap again... so now that I am crying and really think I am crazy here ya go...

The following are areas of concern detected by the screening:

--You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be the product of many different disorders, both mental and physical.
--Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder
--Your symptoms point to Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder
--You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder
--Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder

--You experience some symptoms of simple Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of General anxiety Disorder
--You experience some symptoms of Panic disorder with Agoraphobia

now that you all know that I am crazy please don't just leave me comments like "Maybe you sohould see someone." because it I want to see someone I will and if I don't I won't... nothing you say will make me want to jump on the phone and find a 24 hour shrink to solve all my problems... K thanks...

oh and here is the link to the site before I get flooded with request for it.... these are the results from the "Do You Need Therapy" test I took some other ones but I don't feel like posting the results here...

Adventures in hair dying and other randomness

Well, the hair is dyed now... it is lovely and there will be pics soon... it was alot of fun, but there were times when all I could think was "what the hell am I letting them do to me?" the things you let your friends do... soon I will be posting some test results from this thing I took last night... have to go find where they are saved at first though... today has been busy with cleaning, cooking and hair stuff... I am going shopping with mom tomorrow... that is always great fun... then we get to spend thanksgiving with his family, maybe it won't be too bad... oh and I have to post my list of what I am thankful for too... will do that by Thurs for sure... anyway I am off to find those results so you can all see just how crazy I am....

I need a nap

I am so tired... I have been cleaning all day so that my house will look half way decent when my people come over... It is starting to look like a normal house now... I just need to finishe the laundry, and vacum my bedroom... you gus should feel special cuz normally I don't clean my room, but I figured we would probally be in there since we will be dying hair and all.. well, I should go start cooking soon so we will have food... but it is only 2 so I have a little while....

reply...

this is for you roo... I thought about replying in my comments section but then decided to just make it a hole entery on its own..

I am not really angry or at least not right now... I am feeling very dicouraged and apathetic... lots of things are contributing to this but I think most of all it is just me... don't worry about me though... I do know that happiness is just a state of mind, I just haven't been very enthusiastic about getting there lately... I feel like I spend so much of my time pretending to be happy that when I blog, or write anything for that matter, I have to get out all the unhappy stuff... I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is how it is... I really wish that I could act how I feel, but I really don't want to do that because it would piss someone off or people would really think I was going crazy... sometimes I think I am going crazy... Maybe I just try too hard... I don't know... I just want things to be okay... with me... with everyone... anyways... that is all...

what can I say...

I really should say something... I don't feel like talking about it though... so I will talk about something else... the holidays are upon us... and we all know what that means, making ourselves crazy so that we can spend unwanted time with people that drive us crazy... okay not all the people I will be hanging with over the next month drive me crazy and I am looking forward to seeing a few people even... but not many... when too many people get together there is going to be DRAMA!!! I really hate drama... especially stupid high school drama... I have to deal with it all the time... I just don't think that they understand how hurtful their words can be... if they would just listen to each other then maybe they would know how much it hurts... GRRRRR... anyways... things are just going... I have to clean the house cuz everyone is coming over here tomorrow night, but first I have to go get the vacum from mom... yippie. I should think about cooking supper soon... blah...

this weekend was long, but I have recovered nicely... it was fun...

lots of stuff seems to be going on right now. very confused and disconected... there are lots of things going on in my head right now... angery at people for being stupid... feeling really alone right now... and I think I figured out what the problem is with me... I just want to feel like I am special... that is what the problem is... I just need to feel special... and he should make me feel special but he doesn't... most of the time he makes me feel like crap... anyways...

RAIN!!!

It is raining... I like the rain... it makes me smile.... it is still kinda early for anything to be happening... going shopping after he gets off work... must buy a Christmas tree and a few other things... Roo and I are going to create some sort of fun tonight... It seems like it has been a really slow past few days... haven't been doing much and now it is Sat and I just have this desire to do lots... hopefully things will work out for the best... if so we will have alot of fun:) but then we typically have alot of fun... hmmmm... yeah, anyways... the little people are being needed so I will go deal with them...

Wishing things were different...

Have you ever wished that you could go back in time and change something you did, or said? that is where I am right now on alot of different issues... I know that there is no use in entertaining these thoughts because the past is the past... I guess it is just one of the many ways I like to toture myself... i can think of dozens of times that i could have reacted differently to change the situation to my advantage... but then my whole life would be different... I may not know all the things I know... i may not have the friends I have now... I think if I could go back and change something I might... but if I had to pick only one thing that would be hard...

Well, this has been deep and it makes me want to smoke and cry so I will stop for now... I am planning on posting things that I am thankful for soon... maybe not til after Tues night though so it will be new to everyone... we will see... Goodnight...

Look it is a new day...

Well, here it is, and new day... just for you mr. President...(lol) not to much of any importance going on... trying to keep the little people from killing each other, or me... anyway... I was just thinking about how different I am now... not really sure what it is that is different but I know that I am different...

I wonder when roo is going to do my hair?

sorry random thoughts today... I really need to start Christmas shopping... Just not motivated... hopeing that I will go to sleep and wake up on New Year's, just skip the whole Christmas, family thing... so amyway what do you want for Christmas... I have no idea what to get anyone... Yeah... anyways... this isn't very entertaining.... nothing good going on... sorry....

driving me insane...

So I get home tonight before 9:30 and he is asleep!!! What the crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he didn't even stay up to make sure I got home, or to kiss the kids goodnight.... now it is almost 11:30 and I think that both of the little people are finally asleep.... why is it that whenever they go to the park they don't want to sleep? oh well, not like I had anything better to do than sit here waiting for them to finally pass out.... I could have gone to see roo, but I didn't.... I should probally eat something before bed... I don't think I have eaten anything since lunch yesterday... I am starting to get really hungery...
I feel like a slug this week... I haven't really read anything or accomplished anything for that matter... I did get the bills paid today... (yippee) so yeah.... this weekend should be fun... going to try to find something cool to do... maybe I will go christmas tree shopping... I would like to get one before thanksgiving so I can put it up Friday if there is time... we'll see.....

Am I really that insignificant....

After many different events of the still early day, I find myself asking if I really am so insignificant that people would just over look telling me somewhat important info? yes there is a reason for this, or a dozen reason, but no I am not going to go into any of them right now.... I feel very unimportant and unloved right now... (I know in reality that I am loved by a handful of people but right now I am in some other world so you will just have to indulge me on this one) It is driving me absolutly insane.... I jsut want to cry....

on a different note... I think that I almost figured something out last night.... (this may not make sense to anyone that doesn't know me real well but that is okay....) So here it is, my huge self revelation: I only feel really intense emotions, and most of the time that leaves me feeling numb because the emotion isn't intense enough for me to really feel it... anyway that was just one of those things that I finally figured out and now I don't know what to do with it so it will become a usless piece of info that will sit in my blog and rot.....