okay so the break is over, if just for the moment, because I really think I should share this with you all... first I should apologize to roo and debra... didn't mean to get all whatever tonight... it just happened... SORRY... now on to the topic at hand... as I was driving home something weird happened and I wonder if it has ever happened to any of you... be forewarned that this might end up being very graphic (as it was it my mind at the time) or not making any sense what so ever (as many things I write here lately do) so here goes...
So I was driving home and I saw the lights of an oncoming car in the distance.... I wondered what it would feel like to drift slowly into their lane and then finally collide with them head on... I wondered if I would feel the seatbelt lock and then cut through the flesh on my neck as my whole body tried not to fly forward... then I thought I would probally hit my head on the steering wheel and be knocked unconscious. I wondered if I would feel the glass from the windshield shatter over my unconscious body and slice through my clothes and then my flesh like a hot knife cutting butter.... then I wondered if it would feel good to be in so much pain.... then I wondered if I could survive such a thing...
I am not sure what made me wonder all of that... it was quite disturbing actually... maybe there is something wrong... while we were in Target I just got numb for some reason... again I am sorry you guys... I really don't know what it was... I am still numb... I don't expect you to understand... I don't even understand...
2 comments:
well. honestly i dont think its that wierd... it seems pretty normal to me... ive thought the car crash one through several several times.. and i dont always have to be depressed to think about it...
other things ive thought about/want to try:
walking in front of a car
jumping off of a building/out of my dorm room
getting stabbed
being burned alive
getting shot
the list goes on.. but.. yeah.. i dont think its that wierd.. the problem results when you actually go out and make these things happen... but yeah.. i also want to know what it feels like to die...without dying..but that one is a bit of a stretch...hmrnm...
I also know how it feels to desire to do those things. RC used to spend alot of time away from home, so, of course, I thought he was seeing someone. Whenever I would be driving I always thought of the concrete embankment under bridges. If I would die instantly, or lay there half squashed until the paramedics came and tore my car apart and gave me the worst news of my life, "Don't worry, you're going to live." That was always more than I could bear, and I would start crying and drive home as fast as I could. I will have to tell you later about all of my dreams from early in life.
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