ok, so I have some hard decisions to make coming up. do I leave something I love so that I don't get hurt, or do I stay and risk not only being hurt but also becoming increadably jaded and more cynical, and possibly hurting other ppl? and if I do leave, how do I do it without bringing anyone else into it? just the thought of it all makes me cry. this past year I have lost so many relationships that I thought were good, but now realize they were hurting me. could this be another one of those cases? still the whole idea makes me sad....

watching ppl hurt...

i don't like to watch ppl hurt. I always want to do something about it. a friend of mine tells me that this is how most ppl feel, and that this is why there are very few ppl that can be around me right now. she says that no ones wants to see ppl hurt, and my pain is so intense and consistant right now that ppl don't know what to do with that or how to handle it, so it is easier for them not to be around it at all.
Anyways this post isn't about me hurting, it is about me seeing hurting ppl. this past week my life seems to have been flooded with hurting ppl. All those ppl have been hurting to varying degrees, and have been connected to me in varying ways. I have seen myself handling the hurt in a couple different ways. I either stand back and watch the hurt, completely confused and angry at how 'this' could happen to 'them' or I choose to enter into the hurt with them, with much the same result as just watching but the 'them' changes to 'us'.
I think the hardest part of this is that some of these ppl that I have seen hurting this week didn't just start hurting this week. they have spent a lifetime hurting, and I just have to ask 'why?' I've heard and said all the "right" answers to this question, but it still doesn't make sense to me. why is it that some ppl continue to have painful things happen to them, almost daily, for their entire lives.

All this brings me right back to the place where I ask "if god really was good and all-powerful why would he allow these things?"

so maybe this does have soemthing to do with me, but it isn't just me. and somehow that doesn't make it any easier.

thanksgiving

So tomorrow is thanksgiving. Looking back over the past year of my life I do see a few things to be thankful for, but right now I don't feel very thankful (does that make me ungrateful?) I guess alot of it has to do with the fact that it has been an icky kinda day. worked my butt off @ broad st. I don't recommend it to anyone. and the little ppl have been absolute demon children tonight (but I love my demons) I'm just wiped. tomorrow will be a day for new traditions. it will be fun. we will be watching the parade, because I do love that tradition. and then we will get to have thanksgiving with some pretty great ppl. i can't wait really. I am kinda sad that I won't be with my family, but I really think it just wasn't meant to be. too much working against me this year.

tomorrow I meet with the lawyer. I actually talked to her today. I'm tired and cold. I want some soup. blah.

so some ppl have been asking what they can do to help me. As the holidays rapidly approach (thanksgiving is next week!) I have come up with something VERY practical that ppl can do. I made a wishlist over at amazon for me and the girls. it's just to give ppl an idea of what we like/want/need. so there it is, if ya wanna do something, if not, ok.
edit: the link is fixed

today i hate ppl, especially christians..... I believe that what I am doing is the right thing, but this week it doesn't feel so right... fuck...

I can't stop crying, and I can't stop thinking that this is the worst thing I have ever done. It is easy to make myself believe that things will be better when it is just me that is hurting. but it isn't just me. The girls now realize this is a permanent situation. tonight they hated me because we don't live with daddy anymore. they want to live with daddy. they don't want anything to do with me. now I am here, sitting in the silence, trying to figure out what the hell I could have done to make my marriage work so they wouldn't have to go through this, so I wouldn't have to go through this. I can't keep doing this. and everything is so not ok. I feel like I have been crawling over glass for the past 7 months and every time I get to a place where I am out of the glass and the cuts are starting to heal I have to crawl through it again. I have too many wounds already, too many scars. and it seems like when I am hurting the most people don't want to be around me, but that is when I need them the most. I just wish someone would sit and hold me and allow me to cry. I don't get that though. instead I get a bunch of ppl that try to minimalize things.

It's pretty amazing how insecurities and low self-esteem can creep up on you and smack you in the face, leaving you laying in the ground hurt and alone. tonight is one of those times. I feel like she would have done anything to not have to sit there with me. I know that in reality this isn't true, but in my mind it is. in my mind no one wants to be around me. no one cares. part of me knows this isn't true (or at least that ppl will say it isn't) but right now it feels true. I just don't want to feel so unloved anymore. and I don't want to feel like everyone really has some secret agenda. i know she loves me, but then there is that part of me that feels like if she knew what I really thought and do she would not be my friend, she wouldn't even like me. I know she says /i'm wrong, but i can't bring myself to talk about it. maybe it is because admitting it might make me the crazy one

i'm depressed. (who didn't know that) and it feels like it is never going to end. i feel alone (even though I keep being told I'm not) i feel like I can't keep doing this. i've gotten to the point where I feel like I am just over-reacting. like maybe none of this is really what I am making it.


silence
lingering in every corner
penetrating my soul
and leaving me hopeless

random thoughts traped in my head

- I am sad that i won't be in Charlotte in a few weeks, I'm sure everyone in my life will get sick of hearing this, sorry. I was so looking forward to it, and now, I have lost all hope of being there. I will cry about it, and eventually I will get over it. it is pretty interesting how my motives for going have changed, and now I want to go more than before, because I want to be apart of it, not because of him....
- bleeding takes alot less energy than it used to. not such a great thing but it is ture. it also take alot less (almost no) conscious thought. these things scare me, but right now I have no desire to change them
- christmas is approaching way too rapidly. I don't like this at all, but there is nothing I can do about it. I like that even less.
- i am very sad right now and i'm just not so sure why. I mean, yes, I am sur there are a thousand reasons for me to be sad, none of them seem to fit right now though. just overwhelming sadness, and no one around to share it with (i'm sure your glad you aren't around right now.)
- I really need to reconnect with certain ppl. they are good for me. i miss them. I will work on that

I'm sure things aren't like I see them, but the way I see them is all I have right now. ppl want to know what they can do to be helpful, I tell them, and then the avoid me. yeah that's not so helpful. I think my circle of friends is in desperate need of some trimming. I think there are just too many ppl to keep up to date on my life. that takes too much energy most days, especially when I know that those ppl aren't going to be around for the long haul anyway. they will get tired, or bored, and find something else to do with their time. I'm tired oflosing friends because my life is too difficult for them to deal with. and I am tired of hearing "well, if they were real friends it wouldn't matter how hard things are" that's a lie. if I could I wouldn't be around me right now either. I understand the 'why' of ppl not being able to handle it, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

blah, blah, blah

I really wish there were something someone could do. At this point, though, there is nothing. it is now Nov. where the heck has this year gone? I hate all this. and I don't get anything else.

the more time that passes, the worse things get...

The title line has little to do with the current mess I find my self in the middle of. well, ok it does have something to do with it because everything has something to do with it, but in recent days I've become painfully aware of how huge a part of my present my past is. small things, my attitude toward people, and how I interact in everyday life. All of it has so much to do with all the things that happened to me-- things I did to myself, and things others did. thing I never allowed myself to heal from. and now all those wounds have started to open again. All that pain is new and real. how can things that happened half a lifetime ago still have so much power over me, such an effect on who I am and how I live? and how can it still hurt so much, all made new by stupid things. I thought I was done with this. I guess things like this are things you are never really done with though.

Today
has lasted
far too long
I need to let go
or at least hold
it more loosely
and you know
just how hard that is
but I'm too tired
to continue
grasping for things
I can not reach
and clinging to things
that were never mine



today's been tough. this week will be tough. I don't like this, not one bit....

I need a hug

I'm tired of life hurting so much, and I'm tired of needing things no one can give me. I wonder if this situation is happening the way it is because of other situaions, and I now that that has to have something to do with it. I'm tired of being so alone no matter where I am or who I am with. and I am tired of being forgotten because I'm not in anyone elses physical space. just because I have my own place doesn't mean I don't need to know ppl love me. I hate this

Wow, I've been doing alot thinking about my life. the past year has been insane. This time last yr I would have never believed anyone if they told me this is where I would be now. most days I still don't believe this is where I am (yep I like to live in an altered reality) Just know that this is all still very new to me. I'm gonna screw up alot, and I'm gonna need alot of help. if you can't handle that, maybe now isn't the best time to be my friend. Also I'm gonna have alot od questions, and I'm gonna be angry alot. but today, I really do believe that this is gonna be over one day, and life is going to be better. no promises about what I will believe tomorrow. but I have some really great ppl believing for me consistantly. so that is good

a few months back a friend of mine sent me an article called "A Second Look" by Ronna J. Miller. it is a look at the story of the Samaritan women at the well and her encounter with Jesus. it is an amazing article that says alot about women. when I get some time I think I am gonna type up some of my thoughts here. for now this qiote from the article stuck out to me, especially in my current situation.

"More often than not, even one divorce could leave a woman discarded like trash, homeless, without resources or support. But for some reason, men continue to pursue her. She continues to survive. Yes, she is provocative, amazing, and even secretly admired by men and women."

-- all I could think when I read that was that I want that to be said of me. I want to contunue to survie, I want to be pursued. I want to be provocative and amazing! but I feel alot more like trash, worthless, and unloveable.

today was almost normal. other than being exhausted nothing traumatic happened, and there were even some good things. tonight reaffirmed my thoughts that I need a ladies only small group. and I got to have a good conversation with someone, it was much needed even if it didn't resolve anything... I hope that I get to go on "vacation" at the end of Nov. but I just don't see it happening. I won't have the money, and I just really don't see me being able to do it. it makes me sad to know that I will miss NYWC this year. it has been my retreat, my time to get away and refocus. even though I'm not doing youth ministry right now I know it is what I am supposed to do. and being with all those other ppl that share that passion is just a great time. not to mention getting to see my buddies, and have face time. it just makes me so sad that I don't get that this year. eveyone keeps telling me not to give up hope, something could work out and I could still go. I just don't see it happening, unless I run across a money tree. if any of you find one let me know though. I think more than anything I was hoping to go so I could get away for a little bit and relax, but relaxing just doesn't seem to bein my game plan right now. too much going on.

and I have a problem. there are a couple ppl in my life right now that are just not very helpful. it isn't their fault, I think they just don't understand. they want to be encouraging, but it comes across as arrogance, and it is just hurtful. it adds to the guilt and shame that I already have. I know the best thing is let them know that I hear what they are saying but I'm just not in a place where that is my reality. but that is alot easier said than done. right now it all just makes me angry. I recognize that very few ppl are going to be able to understand my pain and my reality right now, but I just wish the ppl that really can't understand it wouldn't try to pretend they do. is that too much to ask.

here is something I wrote a few days ago that might help...

I need you to...
...listen when I talk, and recognize that when I don't say anything that I am still hurting, but I just can't find any words to explain it.
...be ok with me venting and whining and being angry for what may seem like no good reason
...call me, just to say 'hi', I found out this week how much that really can chnage things
...not be convinced so easily that I am ok when I say I'm ok, most of the time that is just the easy thing to say, and what I think you want to hear
...sit with me while I cry. most of the people I cry with right now can't be physically present in my life right now, it would be nice to know that there are people locally that I can cry with.

I know that doesn't help alot. I know ppl want to know what they can physically do but really, I don't know. I mean-- food taken care of. got clothes, and a place to live. when I run across something I need I will let ya know, but really, I need emotional support more than anything. I feel like most of my really good friends are far away (either physically distant or just dealing with their own shit so they need space too) maybe that is hard to understand too though....

today was good. some people were Jesus to me in pratical ways, which is really how Jesus was, right? I think I forget that so much because most be try to be Jesus to us by talking our ears off about how good god is, and how we should just trust god. but wwhen Jesus helped ppl is was pratical. someone was blind-- he gave them sight; someone was hungry-- he fed them. he very rarely went around preaching to people who were in need, he met the need, and then sometimes he 'preached' and sometimes he didn't. so where do we get off going up to hurting needy ppl trying to convince ppl that god loves them and is a good god with helping them? so yeah... just some thoughts....

small group and other random thoughts

so the way we do small groups at our church is done to follow the school calander, we do a semester at a time. this semester has been difficult for me. not real sure why (ok maybe that is a lie, but that's another story for another post) The thing is I just can't find a place that I really feel like I connect with ppl and the little ppl aren't causeing me stress. so I have been going back and forth, not really having a small group 'home' so to speak. this adds to tension that already exists in my life, and makes me feel even more alone. is there no safe place? anyway, tonight is small group night and I plan on going to a small group (even though I am exhausted and close to the end of myself) because I really need a forum to discuss some stuff going on and try to figure out how to live some things that only seem like theories right now. unfortunatly this conversation could come across as me just being pissed (Yep that is where I tend to find myself alot these days) or trying to start trouble. so the decision about which small group to go to has to be made very carefully. and as I sit here it occurs to me that maybe this shouldn't be this hard. maybe I just over anylize things too much, and I am making something out of nothing. all this could be ture, but it feels important.
All that on top of the fact that I feel like a really big failure right now. it's all just confusing and it hurts alot