a poem for my teenagers....

My words are not enough
to describe Your magnificence,
and there is no way to tell them
how much You really love them...

All I can do
is try to live my life
for You,
try to love them
like I know that You do,
and show them
what You've brought me through....

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friends

Looky that is roo with me.... and yes I do have boobs!!!!!!!!

me dressed up...

me all dressed up...

This was friday night... I really like this pic....

so this is the best shot of the car...

this is JS's car after the rolling....
I wish that I had gotten some better Pics of it because it looked so funny, but this is the onlyone that looked very good... I will always smile when I see that car now....

Reliving the high school days...

Okay so last night was soooooooooooo fun... we went to a party that was pretty boring because by the time we got there everyone was tired or drunk... so then we went to someone elses house to hang out for a while and about 2am we left to take K home... we got on the subject of TP and we decided to go TP JS&JL's yard... k decided to go with us cuz no one would want to miss this... so we get there, do the job, and are leaving when a car rolls up that we don't recognize, so we think that it is just someone turning around.... until they stop in the middle of the road and turn the car off... it was JL... We had been caught... we took k home and then back to their house and hung out with JL for a while... we ended up moving all the TP to JS's car... hope he didn't get too mad... it was all in good fun and to make him smile.... WE LOVE YOU, JS....

Hmmmm...

Last night was fun... I didn't think it was going to be but no one got in trouble.... I got to dress up and I felt pretty, and sexy and nice for the first time in a long while... there were alot of people that I didn't know there.... everyone said I was beautiful.... that made me feel special.. I don't know that there is any other word in the english language that makes me feel the way the word beautiful makes me feel... I just can't think of one...
anyway... I guess I will be taking the girls trick-or-treating tonite even though I really want to go to the symphony.... it will be okay... and tomorrow is the last Sunday was are going to be haveing church in the am... we are going to try a night service and see how that goes... i think it will work out great... having to get up there at 7:45 on Sunday mornings to set up is a pain... we won't have to be there til like 3pm once we switch to night service.... I think alot less people will oversleep too... things will be good....
I am worried about the kids... they all have alot going on right now and they are all depending on K ALOT.... I love k and all but I don't think that he is going to be around forever... he was talking about moving once he got his seltelment.... that is going to hurt the kids more than he could ever imagine... I remember the whole L incident.... that was a mess... I really hope this doesn't turn out like that....
and M... she has so much going on, with her dad in Iraq, her mom just doesn't care... her brother moved back home... she is responsible for all her dad's stuff, and she has crappy lick with guys... all the guys she likes treat her like CRAP and she just can't seem to stand up for herself... the drs. changed her meds and that seems to be helping her control her emotions at least... I have heard that she isn't drinking or getting high anymore, or at least that she is really trying this time...I pray that she is going to be okay... I was just like her at that age... I don't want her to have to go through all that crap I went through....
Man, i love these kids so much... I just wish I had all the answers for them....

better today...

Thanks to all who said happy things to me... hopefully you know who you are... things are better today, aside from being exhausted cuz I went and hung out with some friends last night... I am trying to figure out alot of things right now, but it seems like I have been so absorbed in my own yuckiness that I have forgotten what I was doing to begin with... I am trying to work on my book idea but right now there is just too much in my head... what with all this POMO talk I am not even sure where I stand on it all yet...I do think that leaders are on the same journey, but should they be held to a higher standard or is there only one standard... I like to drink on occasion, but I don't get drunk, is that okay or should I refrain from all alcohol because I am in a leadership postition... At least I am honest about it... I know that I srew up, but I also know that God is going to be there when I screw up just like He would be there if I didn't... There is nothing I can do to change His greatness either.... no matter how good or bad I am, God is still God.... wow that is a powerful realization... maybe if I am not so focused on being good all the time I wouldn't mess up so much... how would it look if all the people in leadership positions just stopped trying to be perfect and admitted that they didn't know what they were doing have the time and the screw up daily... maybe then people would be able to see past all our mistakes and carppiness and really see who God is... Could it happen???

GRRRRR... (just venting)

Why is it that everyone is more important than me... It doesn't matter if I am about to go insane or jump off a bridge because he has to work or he is tired or he just doesn't feel like dealing with anything, so I have to do it because if no one deals with it then... Crap let's not even go there... and then I stay up til 2am just so I can have some time to myself without screaming little people or other crap going on... and then I feel like crap the next day because I didn't get enough sleep... I HATE THIS!!!! why is it that all my posts, or at least the majority, over the past few weeks have been me whining.... maybe I just whine to much... maybe this is all my fault and I am just taking it all to the extreme... maybe I deserve all this because I am an aweful wife, mother, friend, person in general.... Now he has to study.... that is great... I don't need a break... I don't feel like crap... I haven't had a crappy day... I can handle all this and your crap too... LIFE SUCKS right now at least....

I need a hug...

Today is really crappy... I feel very alone and isolated today... Seems like no one is around and the people that are don't want to talk... Why is it that everyone wants to not talk all on the same day??? I just want to cry.... I feel kinda sick today too... I just really want to know that I am loved today and it is not looking like that is going to happen today.... I just want to give up... on days like today it doesn't seem like anyone would really care, probally no one would notice... Why do I feel do crappy today??? where is everyone???

doing church different (or what happened this morning)

Today started out like anyother sunday with seting up the skating rink floor for church and putting together the sound system and all... church started like always.... prayer, good mornings, ect... then the band started playing (mind you we acctually have a rock band that leads worship) somewhere during the second song we lost ALL power in the skating rink so nothing was working, no sound no words on the video screen, NOTHING... the band looked a little bit stressed but the congrigation kept singing.... we sang a couple more songs (with no music and no loud voices in the mics.) then the preacher got up.... He said that he had prepared a sermon, but God showed up instead and he knew that God had somthing to say but he didn't know what it was.... So he opened the floor to anyone that felt God wanted them to talk... It was amazing... People shared praises, prayer requests, and just thoughts on what God is doing here.... IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!

Now my question is... should there be more of this in church??? this morning I saw REAL people REALLY loving a REAL God... isn't that what church is supposed to be about? the only way the "postmodern" generation is going to know the REAL God is if they see REAL followers, right?

We can't continue pretending our lives are great even when we are miserable, if we people to know God, or can we? does this make sense? Give me whatever feedback you have... mind you this service WAS NOT planed to happen this way in anyones mind other than God's. Could this type of thing happen if we planned for it????

all the things going on have made me forget about the blog...

This week has been busy... lots of talking to lots of people about lots of things.... not alot of conclusions made though.... I guess that I should try to put it all on paper, or at least on the net... but it is was too much right now.... hopefully it will all make sense in my head soon so that I can make it coherent here...gotta go take care of the little people for now....

good night

seeing how it is after midnight,and approaching one am rapidly I should go to sleep.... Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day... I got called an internet slut earlier cuz I have guy friends online... I thought it was funny considering the source and all... we tomorrow is monday... we'll see how it goes...

sounds oddly right

Which File Extension are You?

today has been...

Refreshing... It hasn't been the greatest day but I did get alot of venting done... that is the great thing about having such amazing friends... I talked about it alot... I think that was most helpful... I still feel all crappy but I know that I am going to make it... I guess the biggest thing that came out of today was alot of realization about things I learned in Dallas... I realized that I really did leave some of the things that fence me in on the fence in Dallas (sorry if you don't understand this)... I also realized that I am alot stronger than I think.... I went to Dallas alone NOT KNOWING ANYONE(!!!!) and I cam away with some great friendships... I really do think that I was ment to be in Dallas and that it was a blessing from GOD! I don't know where I am going from here but I do know that things are going to be changing alot... I can't just go back to the way things were before I left... but I have also invested too much time in this to just give up, right??? I am still confused about what to do... talking does help... I am so glad to be back home with my kids (all of them) but I miss all my new friends from Dallas... at some point I should go to sleep.... but it is still early....

more crap...

I am lonely... I am weak... I am broken.... I have been beat... I am unloved.... I am unappriciated... I am unworthy.... I am hated... I am tired... I am just clinging on ... I HATE THIS...

posting again...

I really should stop posting everytime I can't find someone to talk to... not like too many people are that interested in me, or what is going on in my life... I am kinda down today... mostly cuz there is no one to talk to... I am sitting at home not doing anything of importance, and everyone I know has a life except for me.... Okay enough of that cuz it is just making me feel worse... I have just been surfing the net cept when I was taking a bath... That was nice... just relaxing in the hot water not caring about anything... But then I got out and had to re-enter life... Don't we all just love the reality that is life... Well maybe I will go over and check out some message boards, see if anything is happening... I am sure I will end up back here at some point....

Morning again...

yes it is morning again.... and it is Saturday again too... last saturday I was in Dallas with a bunch of really cool people... now I am at home sitting on the computer wondering what everyone else from Dallas is doing... I might go take a bath in a little while... I haven't had a nice long hot bath in a while... tomorrow will be sunday.... I have been looking forward to sunday ever since I got home... I haven't really seen anyone but Roo because I have been taking time off... I will get to see all my kids tomorrow, and all the GUYS and everyone else... I am looking so forward to it...things are weird at my house right now... I guess things are always like this though.... Well, I will be around so I will probally blog some more latter.... *going to take a bath now*

Good night...

Wow... it has been a long day... I tried to sleep but it didn't work too well... I should sleep... no one is around or awake or whatever... i wish I were somewhere else... It is the weekend... no plans... I think there is a concert on tues. that I want to go to... I guess I will ask RC on sunday... Sunday will be fun... I have taken the whole week off to recover from my trip... it will be good to see people again... I really should sleep.. good night...

concerned...

This article Concerned me alot... I have been thinking over the whole idea of community and I thought that I got a pretty good idea of what it was while I was in Dallas... Reading this article makes me wonder if it was just the group of people that was there. What is community? Is it really being nice to people for a few days because you happen to be in the same place for the same reason? or is it something way bigger than that... Is it really getting to know people over and extended period of time... Loving people who are raddically different form you, not just for a week but for a lifetime...Is it a family of people that support each other, or is it just a group of people that hang out sometimes... WHAT IS COMMUNITY???

God is good....

KOKO got to go home today.... They came over and ate lunch with us before they went home... I am so glad that she is okay... If she hadn't made it I would have been devistated... She still needs our prayers though... She isn't going to be going back to school, and I know that there is going to be crap because of that... She really does seem to be happier than I think I have ever seen her...
God, thank you for protecting KOKO... Thank you for letting me be a part of her life and for all the things I have learned from her... be with her as she starts again... Let her truely see you as the God who is going to provide all her needs... Thank you God....

Another poem

Broken
Not really sure why that is
hurting,
but not knowing what has happened.
Trying to hang on to God
in the midst of all the crap life throws my way...

Clinging to life,
to people
to all the things that seem to be ture....
but nothing seems real now...
Everything seems to be a false reality
only existing in my mind...

trying to love me
so that no one else matters.
but failing
because I have never known true love...

Good morning....

It is morning again... I am still overwhelmed with emotions... I want to talk to somebody, anybody... But no one seems to be around.... It is kind cold in my house... Maybe I should turn on the heat... God, what is going on? My mind is so full and I feel like I am going crazy.... I don;t understand what is going on, in my head... Or my heart... God, just remind me that you are in control... You have a bigger plan that I can't see right now... I know that you are going to protect me and You will not give me more than I can handle... Thank you God for all the things you have given me.... You are God and I am NOT!!!

Lonely now....

Lonely
Sitting here with no one...
Wish I were anywhere but here
and you were anywhere but there
Longing to talk to anyone,
but most of all to you....

Anyway that is just how I feel right now.... today has been a roller coaster of emotions... just trying to take it a little bit at a time, moment by moment... I am not sure what I feel right now... or maybe I know all the things that I am feeling and that is the problem... I just wish I had a little time to reflect... For now I will just write and try not to cry... I don't know what is going on... but if I ever do maybe I will let you all know.... bye...

I need....

I really need to blog just to get all these emotions out... but you can never tell who is going to be reading this... I am sure if I say anything someone will take it wrong and there will be more rumors.... Don't want to go there really.... Maybe a peom though

Happiness slips into my soul
and I am overwhelmed by emotions
I just don't understand
why things have happened this way
Is it wrong,
that you make me feel this good
and that you make me smile.

Always on my mind
even when you are no where to be found
wanting you to know
just how you have touched my soul
and changed the way I feel.

Even in the middle of this mess
I am still smiling
because I know that you are there for me
and that you really do care....

You know who you are and hopefully how I feel....
no more for now... I think I am going to cry....

Amazing people....

One of the greatest things about being in Dallas was meeting some amazong people. You all know who you are and some of you even know how you have touched my life in unforgettable ways.... I just wish that I had more time to spend with everyone, and a few certain people especially. I think I have made some life long friends and I know that you have already been such an encouragment to me.... I love all of my new found friends that were in Dallas and I hope we will get a chance to get together again, either in nashville next year or some other time... I will cherish you all forever and I thank God that He has placed you all in my life... You are all amazing people.....

Mark Matlock....

Mark was one of the speakers in Dallas that was high on my list.... He told a story about being the new guy in a church. He signed up to be a youth mentor and met with the kid once a week, did a lesson out of a book and went home... One night his phone rang a 2:30am and it was the kid he was mentoring.... The kid had gotten kick out of his house and was hanging out behind Albertson's... Mark said that he felt like calling the youth pastor and saying that he didn't sign up for 2:30 in the morning behind Albertson's; he signed up for once a week, doing a lesson from a book. Then he thought about what he was thinking.... If he didn't go show this kid love at 2:30am no one else would....

That really struck me. there are so many times that I feel like I can't go on. I find myself thnking "God, this isn't what I signed up for." but he always comes back telling me that if I don't show these kids His love no one else will...

Mark also said that Jesus has Called us to push the envelope on loving each other.... We have to love each other... sometimes that is the only way we can show people the love of God.

Wow there is so much info that came out of this... My head is still so full of info... more to come later....

Dallas....

Okay now that I have had time to prcess some stuff and put my head back on straightI can give you some Dallas info... so many great things were said that it may take me a little bit to get it all here. There were alot of great speakers that had alot to say.... here are some highlights and I will do an individual posts for the ones that I have good notes from....

"Christianity isn't about making bad people good; it is about making dead people alive." -D. Nesser

"People need the gospel of LIFE not the Culture of DEATH!" - MSGR. Dale

"Don't be concerned with the latest, greatest thing; we need to be concerned with the oldest thing: LOVE" -Mark Matlock

"There is a champion in you!" -Bishop Ulmer

These are just a few of the great quotes from the week... there is more to come... but for now I must go.....

Sunday in Dallas....

Okay so I haven't been bloging as much as I wanted to but things have been okay.... Just really busy. The theme is WIDE OPEN.... I will for sure expond on that more once I get home or sometime,right now there are more important issues on my mind... KOKO tired to kill herself again and she apperantly came pretty close... She was in ICU for a couple of days and then they transfered her to an inpatiant facility.... They are discussing long term, which isn't such a bad idea in my opinion... I love her but we can not keep going through this over and over again.... My plea to anyone that reads this is just to pray for her and her family.... I feel crappy because I can't do anything about it right now... I have asked alot of people to pray for them... but I wish I could do more.... WEll, tomorrow is the last day..... I prosmise more will come about the convention just I have to clear my head right now........

Thurs in Dallas....

Well, We've been registering people all morning.... things are going pretty god.... We are having alot of fun.... Things really start tomorrow... there is a concert tonight and there are alot of people here.... this is really fun.... I wish I had more time so I could blog about all the stuff that happened at the "meeting" I had last night (you know what I am talk ing about).... But I need to go now.....

Crappy, crappy, crap, crap....

I feel like poo.... today has been not so normal... I went to Journey tonight because J said we should just go somewhere else since it would just be the 2 of us in our small group... don't know that that is exactly what he ment but it was cool... I like it there alot.... not like RTPC though.... I think I figured out why I have stayed at RTPC even through all the crap, it isn't always comfortable... now I know you are thinking that that is why I should have left, but I think that God wants us to be uncomfortable.... I think that the problem comes when we get comfortable with what we are doing... Journey was very comfortable to me.... the people were nice to.... there was one weird thing but it shows how we should be.... See there were these 3 guys sitting near me and at the begining of the 'service' we were asked to get into groups and pray together.... well, I got with these guys cuz they were right there.... They wreaked of cheap beer.... It was so gross... but the whole time people were coming up to them saying that they were glad they were there.... no one cared that they smelled of beer... WOW!!!! that is just how Jesus was... I will surely go back some... Also Journey does a homeless ministry... they feed the homeless at smith park on Monday nights.... I want to talk about doing something like this when I get back... maybe we can do it another night and we can get some other churches involved and it can end up being that someone goes ever night of the week.... how cool would that be... Well, tomorrow is going to be busy so I should go try to sleep soon... only one more day and then I leave for Big D

this sucks...

Everyone in my house needs to sleep but I am all awake and stuff... I don't want to go to bed yet but since my hubby is sick and sleeping in our room, and my mom is still sleeping in our living room, there isn't anywhere for me to be that I am not keeping anyone awake... maybe I will take my book and go sit in the bathroom... I should go to sleep soon because I have to be up in the morning, but I am not tired... Maybe I will go see if roo is awake, but I doubt she is... she is probally sleeping anyway.... Don't know what will be going on tomorrow, but then again I never know what Sunday holds... maybe I will just come home and hang out between church and small group... watch a movie or something... Well, I leave for dallas in 3 days and then I will be busy busy busy so I should enjoy not doing anything while I can..... night

drgging....

Look, it is staturday.... and it is October already.... I have one sick kid, and one not sick kid.... hope the sick one gets better and the well one doesn't get sick.... I will be leaving on tuesday.... for all the people who don't read this I will be updating from my vacation, mostly because if I don't I will have too much info in my head and I might explode before I can get home and tell everyone... I have done pretty good at not telling people what I am going to be doing... I don't know why I just don't want anyone to know.... well, gottat go take care of kids...