hmmm...

I don’t know that I can handle the anger anymore… I don’t know that I can handle any emotion anymore… I feel like I am not real anymore… like I am just a figment of someone’s imagination… I’m depressed… I am overwhelmed… I am tired… nothing seems to make me feel any better… nothing that is except… never mind… I feel like I am on some sort of tainted drug… I feel very dazed… I don’t know what to do… I could go to the dr. but then I would have to find a sitter for the girls, and then I would have to figure out why I feel like this… it seems to be way to much trouble for now… I am sure it will pass, it always does eventually… nothing seems to make him happy… or maybe he is happy, but he just doesn’t care to let me in on it… I just want to be loved… to be shown that I am loved… I know the little ppl love me, but it is really hard when they refuse to listen to me, and only me… and I am sure he loves me, but he just thinks I want to be left alone… Alone that seems to be where I am spending a lot of time lately… I don’t even know when the last time I didn’t feel alone was… even in a group of ppl I am still alone… I feel invisible most of the time… today was nice…. some almost random person stopped me in Wal-Mart and started talking to me… I mean I have seen this person before, but I don’t remember ever having a conversation with them until now… made me feel a little more real… and then roo came to see me tonight… that made me smile for a minute, but I didn’t feel much better for long… my mom made her obligatory visit tonight also, since she hasn’t been over since Friday… that made me feel like CRAP! she has a way of doing that… she is good at it… blah….