Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Bi Polar and other random things

I think maybe i really am bipolar... maybe all those therapist where smarter than I thought... but I thought I could handle it... I'm not so sure anymore... all this crap just hit me tonight... Roo thinks I need to see someone... she didn't say that out right, but I know that is what she thinks... I miss my friends... I know I have friends here, now... but there are people that I wish were here that aren't... I was so happy at some point tonight and now I am crying... how did I get this way??? I just don't know that i can deal with all this right now... not with all the other crap that is going on... I just want to be okay... but I don't even know what that would consist of right now... I wish things were still easy... I wish that I had been smart enough to know what I was supposed to be doing 5 years ago instead of just messing up so much... I am never going to be able to do all the things I am dreaming of now... I don't have the aility anymore... my oppurtunity has passed me by... What am I going to do now... I want to do what I love, but no one has enough faith in me to let me do it, or at least no one here... i am just a mom, without a real job, that doesn't even have a degree.... How could I possibly know what I am talking about... You have to go to college and have a real job for that... I don't understand.... I just don't get it... Why can't they just trust me... I know that I am going to screw up, but so do they... That is part of living... but I guess I just screw up more, and worse than them... I will never be good enough for them... maybe they are right....

2 comments:

lamia said...

God, if i had a nickel for all the times that i wished i'd known 5 or 6 years ago what i did now, but you know we don't get to go back. when i wish that i always remind myself that had i just went off to college right after high school i'd have a philosophy degree now and i wouldn't know what it is that i want to do now, you know? i had to not go to college, have those failed relationships and the epiphanys that come with them to know what it is i want now....

sadly you do need a college degree. but just keep taking it little by little and eventually you'll have one.

lamia said...

ps~i can probably tell you whether or not you're bipolar if you send me your symptoms.

the main thing is mania, do you go through phases, and i'm not talking a couple hours but for weeks at a time where you feel a little "high", and out of control, and sometimes do really impulsive things like spending money you don't have, feeling like you need no sleep?