here is one of the spiffy curtains I made...

There are acctually 4 curtains but this is the only one that I feel like posting right now... they are done and hanging now... no if I could only get the beds put together and made things would be wonderful... but that can wait until another day...

look at the fun party we had the other day

One of the many reasons I love having little ppl.... life is always fun and interseting... everything is always new... Man, if things were only as simple as playing with plastic ppl and eating fake mcdonald's good all the time... but unfortunatly we have to grow up and become responsible... but thankfully we can still see the world through the eyes of a child on occasion and it makes all the tough times way worth it...

happiness...

I am very happy because I have some really amazing freinds... you know who you are... see today I was sad because it seems as though roo will be working this weekend and the J thingy got cancled so I can't go tell him that I have him even. so it was looking like I was going to be bored all weekend (and it still looks that way but that is okay right now).. So I decided to go out for a while and on the way I checked the mail that hasn't been checked all week.... so I drug all the random peices of mail out of the box and went to the van to look it all over.... there were a couple things for mom (why on earth is her mail still coming to my house?), some silly little pearl newspaper, a couple of magazines that are for the ppl that used to live here (we have been here like 9mths why are we still getting their mail?), some junk mail, AND an nice brown envelope addressed to me:) how very exciting something for me that isn't a bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rip it opened and out comes a really cool playdough pen and a card.... it was from some of my wonderful friends from the internet... (yes my husband thinks I am crazy because I have friends online that I have never met...) anyways you guys are the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have made my day... thanks for the wonderful RAK!!!!

better

I am feeling a bit better tonight... I have done a little more than nothing today... I am almost done with the curtains and promise to take pics once they are complete and hung up.... so I am hoping to finish up the girls room this weekend so that I can move then into it and make the little room a playroom... I just have to get all these toys out of my living room before I lose my mind... so Spring Break is going to be fun as I am going to aquire some teenagers and I will be carting them around and such the whole week... I am acctually looking forward to it, as teenagers really are fun ppl. other than that nothing too much is happening... I am going to have some deep thoughts to post later.... right now the medicine prohibits me from thinking to deeply or operating heavy machinery... so yeah... hopefully this weekend will find me feeling much better so I can do fun things and be annoying to those that don't like me... that is always a blast...

ugh.

I don't feel any better today... I am still in a ton of pain... maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell the dr. that I could just deal with the pain... but I am sure if I were to have gotten anything it would make me sleep alot and then I would not get anything accomplished, not that I am getting much done now... I need to finish making curtians... and I need to get the weight bench moved... but I just feel like doing nothing... and I have to rest up so I can go tell J how much I hate him on friday (LOL).... yeah... blah...

here it is...

a post... for all that are wondering where I have been... I am still alive, but only slightly.... I have a kidney infection and feel like crap... I hope this medicine they gave me helps... I must be sick, I went to the dr. I HATE DOCTORS!!!
anyway, I am going to bed now...

the hair cut

so we got the little one's have cut a bit today and as promised there are pics.....


the before....

and here is what she looks like not
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the after

not it wasn't as bad as I had expected, but she was pretty pitiful when they put here in that chair... well, the first hair cut is finally behind us....

LOVE...

So I was chatting with someone tonight about being discontent with the church (yes I know when am I not talking about being discontent with the church) and we came to the conclusion that it all comes down to love... the real problem is that we REFUSE to love each other...

So I have a question for you... what is the place, in the traditional church, of a 24yr old stay-at-home mom that has been divorced and is remarried, has no degree, and has never been happy with the way church was being done or the way churches treat ppl? just thought I would ask since it came up in the chat I was having tonight....

well i think it is time to wind down and go to bed... I will post before and after pics of my littlest person tomorrow once the whole incedent is over and done with so you can see how beautiful she is...

I am going to do something weird....

so I just thought I would tell you all about the what I am going to do on Sunday.... I am going to get all dressed up, and go to a traditional church... I am guessing that it is probably going to be full of old ppl singing hymns... Now I have nothing against old ppl that sing hymns, that just isn't my style... so WHY, you ask, am I going to do this.... well it is all in the name of friendship... See I have this friend that I haven't seen in almost 10yrs that is now the minister of music at this church... so I thought I would drive out there (Edwards) and see him... now I'm not 100% sure it is him but I am almost there so I thought I would just drop in and enjoy the service, get out of my comfort zone for a little bit and hope that it is him and we can catch up a bit...

other than that we will be going to Forest tomorrow and getting some more stuff from the in-laws... oh the fun.... and we are going to get catlin's first hair cut tomorrow too... that will be an adventure I am sure but it has to be done... as she won't let us put anythin in it and it is in her eyes all the time...

hmmm...

I don’t know that I can handle the anger anymore… I don’t know that I can handle any emotion anymore… I feel like I am not real anymore… like I am just a figment of someone’s imagination… I’m depressed… I am overwhelmed… I am tired… nothing seems to make me feel any better… nothing that is except… never mind… I feel like I am on some sort of tainted drug… I feel very dazed… I don’t know what to do… I could go to the dr. but then I would have to find a sitter for the girls, and then I would have to figure out why I feel like this… it seems to be way to much trouble for now… I am sure it will pass, it always does eventually… nothing seems to make him happy… or maybe he is happy, but he just doesn’t care to let me in on it… I just want to be loved… to be shown that I am loved… I know the little ppl love me, but it is really hard when they refuse to listen to me, and only me… and I am sure he loves me, but he just thinks I want to be left alone… Alone that seems to be where I am spending a lot of time lately… I don’t even know when the last time I didn’t feel alone was… even in a group of ppl I am still alone… I feel invisible most of the time… today was nice…. some almost random person stopped me in Wal-Mart and started talking to me… I mean I have seen this person before, but I don’t remember ever having a conversation with them until now… made me feel a little more real… and then roo came to see me tonight… that made me smile for a minute, but I didn’t feel much better for long… my mom made her obligatory visit tonight also, since she hasn’t been over since Friday… that made me feel like CRAP! she has a way of doing that… she is good at it… blah….

What is Church...

so I thought I would share the list I found entitled "What Is Church" so that all of you could read it and see what you think... ummm yeah. and I don't remember where I got it so if anyone knows where it is from you can let me know so that I can credit whoever came up with it....

What Is Church?

A church is a local expression of the global and historical body of Christ where:

• People intentionally share life together–A spiritual community where life’s resources are joined together, people are expected and are equipped to be vulnerable and accountable with one another and the community, and the needs of those inside and outside the community are met. (Acts 4:32-34, 2:42-47)

• Worship is experienced–God is central and God’s worth is lifted high and Jesus is worship as God. A place that brings people into the meeting of heaven and earth and call the believer to live life for the reality that awaits. (Romans 12:1-2, Rev.4:5-21)

• Ministry takes place–Ministry is a natural out pouring and result of the gathering of believers and non-believers. (Acts 5:12-25, 2 Cor. 5:18-20)

• Scripture is taught–The Biblical story is told and taught and the Gospel of Jesus Christ is lived out in the community. (Acts 2:42, 2 Tim 3:16)

• Sacraments are shared–The historical celebration and collective participation in Communion and Baptism. (Mt. 26:26-30, Eph. 4:3-6)

• People regularly gather together in a place–The joining together in collective experience is necessary for a community to be a church. (Acts 5)

• People are equipped for ministry–“Lay” people are the “priests” who are given and empowered to do the ministry. (1 Pet. 4:5,9)

• Non-believers come to faith–The church is the primary place where people come to faith and begin to live as Christians. (Acts 5:14)

• Power of the Gospel is displayed–Peoples lives are transformed and society is changed. (1 Cor. 6:9-21)

so there it is for you to all examine on your own... have fun....

Opinions

Okay so upon realizing that I haven't really voiced my opinions very much on the whole selling the building thing I thought I would do so... I know that most of you know my opinion so this is truly an unnecessary post but hey I have nothing better to post today...

upon hearing that the building might be sold I was a little sad... I do love the rock in it's physical and tangible form... I was having a conversation with a very lovely friend that is removed from the situation and I kept referencing it as the church was being sold (now in my mind I know that a church is more than a building but that wasn't making it to my heart just yet) and she had something very insightful to say that finally made the connection to my heart... She said "wait what did you just say... The church isn't being sold.. The church is God's and I am sure He isn't selling it... You may have to sell a building that is all" how simple is that? Yes the church is more than the building... The church is the ppl.... Now I see a far bigger problem with the building being sold... If it is sold then we might just have to start acting like a church to get ppl to believe we are one... I mean when you have a building it is pretty easy to make ppl believe you are a church, even if you really aren't... But now, without a building, we might actually have to love each other and rely on God... We might have to go to someone's house to meet and get out of out comfortable building... Man this is going to be hard if we don't have a building... And don't think that I am just pointing fingers at everyone else, I too am guilty of these very things I talk about... I don't love the ppl in my church, at best most of them are casual acquaintances... I hate that our church has become the thing we hate most... It is just like all those other exclusive "country club" churches... We are just as selfish and whine as all the things we claim to hate... We have the same problems we are trying to get away from.... If something is broken you don't just move it to another place and call it fixed you have to make fundamental changes to it... Maybe this is where we should start...

thinking....

okay so I have been thinking alot about what the church is supposed to be and what has gone wrong in us being that.... I came across a list of things the church should be (including biblical references for each point) and I have been going over it alot here latly... tonight something different stuck out while I was sharing the list with some ppl...

People regularly gather together in a place... (for those curious the scripture is Acts 5)

now this is only one of the things on the list so don't go on leaving me comments about how it takes more to be a church... I recognize that but I want to focus on this one point right now... so on with the thought process...

after I read this one of the ppl that I was sharing it with said "so does that mean we are a church, the 3 of us?" I didn't hesitate to answer yes... then I got to thinking about what Jesus said in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." If this statement was used to qualify something as church or not, then tonight was church.

this lead to even further thinking... many time I am gathered together with other belivers, but it is not in God's name... that would not be church... so when I go to church on Sunday because I feel obligated, or to look good, or to socialize, I am not there for church... I am there for some other reason... it is only when we come together in God's name does it make it church... maybe that is part of the reason churches in America and elsewhere are failing so much to live up to the standard God has set before us... somewhere along the what church stopped being about God and started being about us... it is more of a social club that a worship service to our ALMIGHTY KING!!! the more members we have the better we look, so we must lure ppl into out group by making it fun, and exciting, and different... but all along we are missing the whole point and we aren't being a church at all...

Girls group is back...

well tonight we will be having girls group for the first time since before Christmas... wow has it been that long... I think it is a much needed thing right now, with so much being up in the air, we really need to get together... we have however changed the time from 7pm to 6pm to accomidate our dear roo who has to be in bed at a decent hour because she now has a day job, and we will be meeting at America's Diner, being that it is right at time for the little ppl to eat and roo will be coming straight from work.... I am sure a good time will be had by all, as is typically the case... I have some errands to run before then, but I am just increadibly unmotivated... the girls are feeling a ton better so they are back to their normal, hyperactive selves... I feel like I have so much to do..... I think I will go run errands now...

something new...

okay, so I have decided to quit being mad at me for the time being and take up a more productive hobby.... I am doing research on house churches.... maybe it sounds all weird but that is okay... I have that one book that I still haven't finished reading (you know the one I got forever ago) that talks alot about house churches, and I am networking with some ppl to gey some more info on it... well if anyone that comes across this knows anything about it let me know... I've already gotten some good info on it, and I anticipate getting more over the next few days... we will see what happens... hmmmmm... this could get interesting, I'll let ya know...

forgiveness..

I realized today that I find it way earier to forgive other ppl and move on than to forgive myself... Why is it so hard to forgive me? why is it that I feel that nothing I do is good enough... ugh... it is way easier to know that other ppl screw up, and deal with it and move on... but when I screw up I just get so angry at me... I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it.... but that is alot easier said than done... my life really isn't all that crappy, and I have no reason for feeling like this, but I still do feel like this... being mad at myself just makes it all worse and I need to get over it and move on....


by the way, how did the new job go today, roo?

CRAP!

I am angry (seems to be a running theme in my life) I am fusterated with myself because I just can't seem to deal with my emotions... I really thought that I was doing good... but I guess I'm not... it just all kinda hit me tonight when I got home... so many things going on... I feel helpless in so many situation. I feel like I am just sitting by waiting for everything to crumble around me... and I am mad at myself for being the way I have been... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

tomorrow is a new day... I REFUSE to live it like I have lived today! I don't want to be like this... I don't want to feel like this...

I suck...

no really I do... I have great friends and we always have a blast together, except when I am bing crappy... so here is the story... me roo and em went out to the subway celebration thing... I started feeling like crap, and so I had a crappy time... i don't know what happened, I just started getting pains in my stomache... then it became a task just to stand up and breath at the same time... and to make matters worse my mind started drifting to other places, that made it harder to stand.... so I just stood in the corner for a while... I should sleep... but my mind is still drifting (thankfully I am sitting) I think I would have had fun under different circumstances... Sorry that I suck so much you guys... but at least it didn't look like it was hindering you too much from having fun.... maybe next time will be better...

whining (yes again)

I want to go hang out with roo... but everyone in my house is sick except for me and he doesn't want me to leave... so I will be here until they all go to bed... the little ppl are sleeping on the couch right now, but hopefully they will get transplanted to thier bed soon... I don't even care what we do I just don't want to sit here all night long.... I guess roo is still sleeping... I was supposed to go by her house at 7pm to wake her, but I didn't seeing how I can't go out... I did try to call MB but there was no answer.... I really don't want to sit here all night... I want to go have fun.... i have been stuck here all week except for last night.... I have stuff I could be doing here but I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like...

I just feel like writing... yep... not about anything in particular, just feel like writing... I have been spending alot of time going through my poetry this week.... trying to organize it and find the good stuff...yeah... it has been very draining at times... I hate the fact that I have to type it all into the computer... I wish I had done this before... but no... so now I have to take the time to type it all out so i can have it in my comp. oh the fun....

so I hope I get to go out with roo tonight... I need to call MB cuz roo wanted me too... I really have alot of things i need to do around here, but I also can't stand not getting out... I am going to go see AR today... and for those of you keeping track the girls are feeling much better... S still has a little fever but she is up playing today...yeah so that is it I think I will go write a new poem now..

Oh what a fun night...

Yummmy.... oh never mind you wouldn't understand...

anyways, last night I went to see C & B... they were getting ready to go me R at Hal & Mal's and see the Vamps... I went along... it was WAY more fun than expected... hadn't seem R since B & C's wedding... He got his hair cut, it looks way nice now... He has kidney stones, but still drove from Yazoo to hang out... poor thing was in pain most of the time... there were these drunk guys were throwing darts and we thought they were going to hit us a few times... then we went and stood near the front and finally some ppl left and we took their table... fun was had by all... I had 2 SoCo and cokes... they were nice... then we left to go get food as we were all starving... it was 1am so our choices where limited to Waffle house, or IHOP... so waffle house it was... but then we remembered that WHATABURGER was opened all night and you can go inside til like 3am so we did that instead.... we ate good burgers, and stayed there til like 3 talking... oh how I miss those guys... we have such a great time.... then went back to B & C's house and sat in the nice warm car for a while... then I cam home around 4am... fun was had by all.... and did I mention YUMMMY................ (you still don't understand, sorry)

I neer realized...

so I never realized how difficult it can be to type with one arm in a brace. why is one of my arms in a brace you ask... well it is because I have been typing all day and I can feel the pressure increasing in my right wrist already (carpal tunnel syndrome and all) but I instist on typing still, mostly because I am angry that I spent all day working on a book idea got 10 pages into it, went to get my brace to attmpt to finishs up a couple more pages came back only to find that my computer had froze and I had yet to save the last 5 pages.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... the anger is great... I just want to hit something, but I am sure that wouldn't help any so I just thougt I would let you all share in my anger....

just to let you know

I started a poetry blog... go here to check it out... most of it is gonna be older stuff that just needs a home... I was bored and lonly, what can I say... there is also a link on my blog roll thingy it is poetry and stuff...

I need...

I need something... i just don't know what... today has been really hard and it is just now half over... I long for the past today... something to take me to a different reality... I don't know where this is all coming from... it hasn't been this hard in a while... I know ppl... I could easily do it all again... but what would I gain from it? nothing, really.. but do you have to gain something... I am just tired... tired of all of the crap... i just want to slip away, to somewhere else... to another world, full of happiness... I know I can't... there is too much at stake and all.. Blah, blah, blah.... I've heard it all before, and I've said it all before... now I realizie none of it really helps when you are in the middle of it all... it doesn't make the desire any less... it doesn't make the pain go away... they are just words.... meaningless words.... I need to go do something...

4am and rambling...

yes it is 4am, yes i am still awake... I am not sure why... depression slipped up on me somewhere between 1am and now and has been fighting to keep me awake ever since... I found a nice safe place to sit for a while... and then I came back to reality to find it morning... no one is around... all is quiet... I feel very isolated this week... haven't left the house much except for short trips to pick up things I thought I needed... turns out I really didn't need them at all... and then I went and saw roo at the hotel... that turned into a bigger event than I expected when I locked myself out of the house and had to make a trip to see mom.. I should sleep now... maybe I will feel better when I wake up... maybe not...

Not sure why...

so over one this message board we got to talking about drugs (someone wanted facts, and stats and stuff) some good info came up and I felt compelled to share it here... not sure why... so here it is

• The use of drugs has been present in every society since the dawn of civilization.
• Nicotine is the most physically addictive substance-- more than heroin, more than cocaine, more than methamphetamines.
• Alcohol is the most acute and longterm toxic drug-- more than heroin, more than cocaine.

so yeah there it is.... there was one other thing that I didn't post for reasons that I will not say... but if you want to know what that fact was let me know... I will either tell you what it was or I will tell you that I don't think you can handle it... don't be offended... just don't think some ppl could handle that type of info... so while we are on the subject of drugs.... I don't do them anymore... except the smoking thing... but I am getting better... yeah.. if anyone stumbles across this that wants to talk about getting off drugs, just let me know... yeah I will do what I can... well I must go eat now...

It has come to my attention

so it has come to my attention that some ppl want to know WHY on earth I am not just going to leave RTPC and go somewhere else (or no where else but that is really a whole different issue all together) well it is simple really... God has made it clear that it is not time to move on yet... okay so maybe it isn't that clear to some of you... I don't really understand it either... but for some reason God wants me at RTPC still... over the past few months I have become increasingly uncomfortable at RTPC, and anywhere I go is more comfortable than there... so most ppl would take this as a sign to leave but not me... the fact that I am so uncomfortable there is why I stay... see if I were comfortable I would lose my focus... my focus isn't me, I don't go to church because it is about me.... it is about worshiping God.... with the level of discomfort I am forced to focus on God, not the music, or the ppl, but GOD!!! He is the reason I am there... some weeks worship looks nothing like a normal Sunday service... there was one week where I sat in the back room with a pen a nd a peice of paper and just wrote a letter to God... that was one of the most meaningful things I have done in a long time as worship, and it was all because I was uncomfortable... so I can't see the bigger picture right now.... I don't know why God wants me to continue staying at RTPC... but until I feel that HE wants me to leave I will be there... I don't hate it there... and I am becoming rather accustom to just being there for God and not everyone else...

oh and my thoughts on the circle thing... some weeks I really like it because I can see everyone... other weeks I really hate it because I realize everyone can see me... it makes things seem a little more transparent... the circle was NOT my idea, and I really have little control over it.... sorry if you don't like it.... I personally think we should all sit on the floor... but that is just me...

so I was thinking

so after my nice long nap I started thinking (statments like this always end up going in circles so just try to stay with me) about why I started going to RTPC... I mean what was it that was so different about RTPC? so I thought back to a year and a half-ish ago and then I remembered what it was.... it wasn't the band (even though they are starting to grow on me), it wasn't Pastor G. (good thing too or I would have left by now), and it wasn't A. (back then there was no A.)... It was the fact that God was doing stuff there, and it seemed like they really wanted ppl to be involved... and at first they really seemed supportive and all... but now it seems like they only want certain ppl to be involved.... only the educated, cool, or inattached can be involved now... I what you are thinking, "A. isn't educated, or that cool, and he is definatly attached... For some reason he is immune to this rule... for the rest of us however the only way we can be involved is to be single (I guess you and your spouse are both doing the same thing at all times then you might be allowed to be involved), be educated at the finest of colleges (or at least have a degree, it can be in under water basket weaving as long as it is a degree), and you have to be cool (however I am not sure who gets to define cool)... Oh and if you have kids then you should probably just show up on Sundays cuz kids require too much of your time and attention to be involved with anything here....

so as you all can tell I am on a tangent this week... sorry for all of you who could care less... I know that I am sounding all whiney, but hey IT'S MY BLOG!!!! no one is forcing you to read it...I am sure I am just making things worse than they really are, and I will be okay in a few days... but until then I will continue to bore you all with my rants about RTPC and the IC in general.. so yeah....

something tottally unrelated but it made me mad.... Since when did the Pearl Post Office started closing at 4:30????? I went to mail something to someone today and it was like 4:32 and they were closed.... I was so angry.... I guess I will have to wait til tomorrw.... Grrrrrrrrrr.....

and for those of you keeping track I have slept for a total of 5 hours since returning from New Orleans... yes that is 5 hours since Sunday.... I feel like I am going to die any time now... the girls are doing a little better... well, not really but I am telling myself that cuz our insurance cards haven't come in the mail yet (they were supposed to be sent out right after the first) so taking the girls to the dr. would mean lot of bills that we just can't afford right now.... they are napping again right now though so that is good...

Church or Community

I realize that the church should be a community, but after a lengthy conversation with someone very removed from the situation I have come to the conclusion that our church is not a community. We are a bunch of ppl that like the idea of community in theroy, but we would just die if it were put into practice. If we acctually practiced community we would have to talk to ppl outside our own little worlds... we would have to make an effort to get to know ppl that we don't even really like... we would have to go out of our way to do nice things for ppl... we might even see some of these ppl more than just one day a week for an hour or so... man it would be hard.... Don't get me wrong some of us try to do this.... there are a few of us that try to meet up several times a week just to hang out and share our lives with each other... but for the most part our church lacks greatly in community... for the most part we could care less about the ppl that are in our building on Sundays.... and for the most part we all want to live in our own little worlds and only come in to contact with each other on Sundays.... the one exception that comes to mind is our girly group that meets on Tuesdays (but not this week because I am being antisocal and the others decided to cancel this week) We meet on Tuesdays and we get together at other random times also... but it still seems somewhat exclusive... we have tried to get others to come, but they don't... I guess they just don't like us... maybe they think that we are weird or something.... I mean no one wants to live in community with weird ppl, right?

so my question is how do you do it? I mean it is human nature to cling to the ppl you are comfortable and farmilar with, so how on earth do you get past that? how do you form a real community with a whole church full of different ppl? can it be done? I am sure it can, I hear about it being done all over the place... But how do we make it happen? how do we do it here in Pearl, MS? how do we get away from having cliques in our churchs? how do we get away from being a large group of seemingly exclusive clubs that come together one day a week? the reason I think that we are a church full of cliques and exclusive clubs is because I have been told that our leadership team is a clique and has to be that way!!!! does it really? why can't the leadership of a church just be ppl that are gifted in leading, and not a group of the cool, most holy, ppl in the church?

as you can tell I still have alot of questions... I don't have many answers at all... I hope to visit some of the churches that are doing community right in the near future... I want to figure this out... It has been bothering me alot more than usual lately.... sorry to bother those of you who don't care about this stuff...

so fusterated...

man, it is so hard when both of the little ppl are sick.. I think that this is the first time they have ever both been sick at the same time... stacey doesn't really ever get sick so when she is sick it is always bad... Catlin on the other hand gets sick rather frequently but it is just a cold usually... the problem is that even though they are only 2 & 3 they are usually very self sufficiant, as they think they are teenagers.... but when they are sick they go back to being 2 & 3, very whiny and needing me to do everything for them.... this is so fusterating, especially when it is 2am and I want to sleep but they need medicine or want me to lay with them in their tiny beds... oh I hope the sickness passes soon... I feel as though I am catching it now also, however. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........

its going to be a long night...

well catlin is sick, and she is having these coughing fits... so being the parinoid mother that I am I don't want to sleep all the way at the other end of the house in case something happens... I was going to stay awake for a while longer, but no one is around to talk to, or at least no one is talking to me, so I guess I will go lay on the floor next to her bed and try to fall asleep...I can tell it is going to be a long night now... I just need to sleep and now I am going to go sleep on the hard floor... if the girls don't have fevers tomorrow I think I will go with my mom... she wants me to go with her anyways, but if they are still all whiny I won't be able to handle a car ride that long... yeah... I feel very depressed and discouraged right now... and very alone... I just medicated the little ppl again and now they are quiet, except for the random coughing fits.... I usually like the wuiet at night, but tonight it is painful... I just want to disappear for a while... yeah maybe I will do that...

I think I am starting to figure out my problem with YOU

Clearification.... for the purpose of this post you refers to the institutionalized church... it is based on my experience with my curent institutionalized church... if this post comes across as general and is not true about your church I am sorry... also you may refer to my current church but it in no way refers to any specific person... I have been told that the things I am going to say are just further proof that I truely belong in the postmodern church....


so you say that you want us to be involved, but you know that isn't true... you only want us to be involved to the extent that you decided... you don't care about what gifts God has given us or what He has called us to do... No it is about what you want... it is about what suits your needs...there is so much you are missing out on because you are too caught up in looking good to the world... if you would just take a second and look at what is going on in the middle of you it would be obvious that there are ppl that can help, but you would have to let them be all that God ment for them to be... you wouldn't be able to hinder them from doing what God has called them to do... instead you tell ppl that you want them to find their purpose and do God's will, but the second they try to do that you start spouting off all the reasons that they can't do it... One day this will be your downfall... one day it will be evident that it isn't just the perfect and "holy" that lead you, but also the messy... hope I am still around to see that day... but I doubt I will be here...



okay so what does all this mean for my life... what application do my thoughts have on what I am going to do... well, thankfully I am in a wonderful online community, so I won't suffer in that aspect... I am going to do just what you want me to so though... I am going to stop.... I will be at service on Sunday, and I will still go to a small group whenever I can, but that will be the extent of my involvment in with you... no more bending over backwards just to prove to you that God can use me too... it is obvious that you don't care... it is more than obvious that you think that I am not good enough to be used by God.... so I will just continue to search until I find a physical community that believes me, and believes that God can use ppl no matter how messy the person....

Happy link...

hi all... I have a happy link to the pics from NO (or at least some of them as I do not have permission to post a certain one of roo and I will not be posting several of me) here it is...

a little story for you all

Okay so New Orleans was GREAT.... and I have a little story to tell you all now... I will most deffinatly tell you all more about the trip in the days to come but for now just one story.... so we wanted gnomes and we got them... I know your thinking that it isn't a good story but really it is... they just showed up outside our hotel room.... we went to sleep Sat afternoon, woke up about 10pm to knocking on our window.... we look outside and what do we find???


the gnomes....
No, REALLY... that is how we got out gnomes... Niza's was with them but they kept him restrained and he was on the floor... so yes now we have gnomes... roo's is named Darren Dervish (right?) and I think I have finally come up with a name for mine..... *insert drum roll here* He shall be called FITZ.... (short for fitzgerald)... Niza's is Beaudreax the cajun gnome... there are more pics than I could ever post on my blog so I will find somewhere to put them and let you all know where you can go to veiw them... I do however need roo's permission to put at least one of them on the web for the world to see... hopefully she knows what I am talking about and will let me know... also roo I need you g-mail adress again as it seems I have lost it and I want to send you some of the pics that will NOT be put on the web for the world to see... so I am off to find somewhere to put them now... I will let you all know

stormy night....

Well, it is a stormy night here in MS... it hasn't rained like this in a while...I like it

I did find a sitter for the morning, finally... it took much hard work, but now I am for sure going to NO and getting to leave with roo and her parents in the morning... I am going to be taking along my trusty laptop and hoping for a wifi connection that can be picked up in the hotel room, but I make no promises about it to anyone... there will be a full report along with a mulititude of pictures on monday if nothing esle... I am very excited, but I have much to do before I leave my house around 7:30am... i haven't even thought about packing, and I should clean some so the house isn't a total mess when I get hom sunday... this will be so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in other news, or fish died last night :( don't really know what happened, i did all the things you must do to keep a fish alive, but none the less when I got home last night he was dead.... I figured it was becasue he was a Walmmart fish, so when I went to get a new on I went to Pet Smart... hoping to find a rather in expensive gold fish I ended up leaving with 2... they were only 12 cents each.... and the guy gave me a free thing of food even though I insisted that i didn't need it... oh well... so now I have 2 cute little gold fish in a bowl on top of my tv..... hopefully they won't die too....

Well I am off to prepare for NO... I shall see you all when I return....

new orleans, gnomes, and maybe some other stufff

SO I am in the process of looking for a babysitter for tomorrow AM I still need to talk to my hubby about what time he has to be at work as he didn't know last night when I got home.... but if anyone wants to do it for me the earliest you would have to be here is 7:45am (but the kids won't wake up til 9am so you can sleep on somewhere around here til then....) and Tim will be home by 12:30.... anyways.... on to better things.... the reason I need a sitter is so that I can have a mini vacation to NEW ORLEANS with roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one of the first orders of business down there after checking into the hotel (or maybe before if we have a bit of time after the other things that must be done) willl be to go get Gnomes!!!!!!!!!!!! these little guys are supper cute... we must have them early on in the trip so that we can take them around New Orleans with us.... we will have much fun with our little gnomes..... now I haven't been to new orleans in like 9 years so there is much excitment about this trip for me.... I am sure it will be much fun.... I will let you all know when I get a babysitter.... yes.... there will also be many pictures of me, roo, and our gnomes posted monday, or maybe a link to a happy photo album or something as I am sure it will talk hours to get all the pics on here like I want them.... so yes, I should go so I can get some things done and search for a sitter now....

Ginny Owens...

okay so we went to the Ginny Owens concert.. it was way fun... all those who didn't go should be greatly depressed now... a good time was had by all 2 of us... and then we went to America's Diner... it was fun.... here are some pics...




Ginny :)


this one isn't that good...


here is Ginny and the drummer... his name was nate right?


here is one of them all... it is a little grainy but it is the best I could get


nice ginny and nate pic


they only pic of tony and the close up of his face is bad so I will not post it

I will post about all the excitment of going to NO, and the gnomes tomorrow as it is late now... goodnight

so I guess I should do this....

I told roo that I would post directions to the concert for her so here they are...

go down to lakeland (however you chose to get there will be fine...)
you will be going left on lakeland from just about anywhere you get onto lakeland at....
go all the way to the end (the stop light in front of cups in Fondern ya know)
take a right....
go through the first 2 stop lights
the church will be on the left....
it is WOODLAND HILLS BAPTIST CHURCH....

the concert starts at 6:30
Debra is going to meet me at my house... we will probably pick Kim up although I haven't talked to her being that it is her bday today and she is at Kelly's (remind me later and I will tell you what her dad said)
she is supposed to call me in the am.... and being that I didn't talk to her I still don't know about a babysitter for Sat... we will see...

we will be leaving my house no later than 5:45 so we should be at the church no later than 6:15 (that is giving us time to pick up Kim) so yeah.... afterwards we are thinking of going to Waffle House or something, but I know roo will have to be at work at 11pm so maybe we will bring you something if it is late.... that is all for now..

by the way Congrats roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I heard only great things about you when he got home from work.... you made quite an impression....

not much better...

have you ever had someone (well, okay just about everyone you know) telling you they loved you but still you felt very unloved.... I don't know why I feel like this... I guess it just seems like, with recent events and all, that there is always someone or something more improtant than me... I know that is really true, but sometimes it seems like it... there is also always someone better than me... grrrrrrrrrrrrr.... I hate feeling like this... it guess it will be okay... I will eventually be better... I guess it willjust take some time... yeah...

in other news I applied for some jobs out in CA today... we can't move til at least June, but hey I can start looking, right? none of them I really want that much, but hey, it is a start huh? I don't even know if we will move, but yeah... we will see what happens.... hmmmmmmmmmmm...

...

So I think I should blog now.... I don't really want go into it though.... Let's just say that I feel like a worthless piece of crap, and I think I did it all to myself... but hey, at least I was home before i said I would be, right? I hope that I didn't bruise his ego too much by telling him that I hated him... I don't hate him..... I don't really hate anyone (well there is one person but we won't go into that now will we...) so yeah now that I have successfully made myself feel crappy I think I will avoid ppl as much as possible this week... I know there is the concert on Thursday (debra, don't forget about that, i am sure I will remind you later) but other than that I don't think I will go out... There will be no Tuesday night girly group, unless you guys decided that you would like to get together, but I won't be there.... I just need some time to figure things out.... I feel like I have done everything wrong... I also feel like staying here is only makeing things worse... (don't know exactly what I mean by here, guess that is one of the things I need to figure out....) I am also still angery about the hole C/youth thing.... there is alot more too it though... it is another complex issue that still needs to be figured out in my head before it can make its way to the blog for the masses (all 2 of you) to read.... I just feel very unskilled right now.... Like I don't know what is going on anywhere and even if I did I could do nothing about it.... the only thing I know how to do is watch little ppl, and I don't even do a very good job at that... this is all very depressing, isn't it? I should stop now before all of you become depressed also....


Oh by the way, you should see Finding NeverLand.... it is the best movie... and if you have already seen it you should go see it again.... yes, that is all

new years Day....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

well it is a new year... time to reflect on all the things that have happened in the past year, and dream of all the things that you want to happen this year... so the past year has been crazy... we started things out living in Hattiesburg, then move in with Mrs. L in pearl, then we bought our house and moved in.... things have been insane.... it seems like too much has happened for it to have only been a year.... I got to go on my first road trip all alone, and I had a blast. Dallas and NYWC were so much fun, I am looking forward to Nashville in Nov.... I have also made some really amazing friends this year, and strengthened some great relationships... I Love YOU GUYS!!!!! maybe I will elaborate more on all of you later.... this year has been HUGE in my relationship with God.... I don't even know where to begin.... I have learned that God is way bigger than I could ever imagine, and so are His plans.... I've learned that relationships are way more improtant than I every thought before.... the kids have become little ppl and not just the babies... they are growing up so much... there were things that happened in 2004 that affected me more than I had expected... Bob going to college was weird... for the past few years I have felt partly like a parent, and partly like a big sister to him... I am glad he is doing well.... another thing that has been hard for me is trying to have balance... it is tough to blance all the things that are going on, but I think I am getting better at it...

so the things that I want to see 2005 bring.... I want to become more of who God wants me to be and less of who I want me to be... also I hope to get to meet some of my great internet friends this year (this may sound odd but if you knew all these guys it would sound alright, really) and I hope to continue to build relationships with the ppl that I live in community with... I also would like to see our community become stonger, more of a real community... and I hope to get to see some old friends and catch up.... I wish all of you a wonderful year, full of dreams that come true, and lots of fun....

so yeah... soon I will be off to go have fun celebrating the new year and watching Jonny Depp... I will post fireworks pics from last night sometime soon, and don't worry carlos, your pic will also be here then too...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New years Day fetivities...

We are in luck.... Finding Neverland is still playing at several of our local theaters, so we will be going to see it Saturday Jan 1, 2005!!!!!!!! I don't care if I am half dead I am going to go..... so now we just have to figure out what time... here is when and where it is playing....

1. Lakeland.... 12:45, 3:45, 7:30, 10:15
2. Clinton.... 1:00, 4:00, 7:05, 9:45
3. Northpark...... 12:10, 3:00, 7:00, 9:40

Of course it can't be playing at Tinseltown, which is the theater closes to both of us.... but that is okay.... maybe we can grab something to eat before or after (no fast food) Hey, Debra, if you are free and want to come let us know, we can make it a fun girls night or something.... maybe we can go shopping too, just because we all like shopping.... so yeah .... I figure we will probably end up going to one of the 7ish shows as roo will need to sleep when she gets off work.... so yeah that is all

ycuk...

I still feel like crap... I think the headache from last night might be the beginning of a sickness... when he got home I had a fever so I went to bed... I slept for more than 12 hours.... the headache is gone but now I have a yuck feeling of wooziness and just general crapiness..... I don't feel like moving... I should go cook the little ppl lunch being that it is almost 1pm, but they are content right now and they just had cereal about an hour and a half ago... we are supposed to go out to forest for dinner and fireworks tonight, but it might rain... oh well.... I have to feel better tomorrow because roo and I are going to see Finding Nerverland!!!!!!!!!!!!! my living room is cluttered with little wooden blocks that would try to kill be if I walked to the kitchen to get more water, so I will just sit here.... I feel like I should be doing something, buti just can't get motivated.... maybe I will take a nap, but then the little ppl would destroy my house, so maybe I will just sit here.... yeah....


oh, by the way, happy last day of 2004.... Bring on 2005....

oh and one more thing... for those of you that know Megan R. be praying for her.... some crap going on that I will tell you all about in person if you ask, but I will not be putting it on the web for any random person to come across and read.... thanks....

my head is going to explode....

today is awful.... I just wish that my head would go ahead and explode so that I would not be in this pain.... and to make it worse the little ppl are not listening at all and are screaming at the top of their lungs.... he won't be home until after 8pm tonight and didn't seem to care when I called him... the only other person that I could think to call at the moment of pure insanity was shopping so couldn't talk to me............. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........................... I hate days like this.... I did get a few things done today.... mostly taking down my christmas tree... I need to take a video game back to blockbuster.... I got it with my mom's account and it is already a day late.... she is going to be pissed off... I just want to go crawl under a rock for a while.... and to top it all off it is still 65 degrees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the crap???????????? isn't is supposed to be winter already.... we had like one week of winter where like 2 snow flakes fell from the sky........ sometimes I really miss MA.... but for more reasons that the cold white weather.... that is another story that I don't care to share right now however..... mmmmmmm.... yeah anyways... I am going to go sedate some little ppl now so that maybe my head will stop hurting..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Christmas #4 and other random thngs

Well, since I haven't told you all about Christmas with the in-laws, and iI am sure you are dieing to hear, here it is.... it was pretty uneventful.... I got what I picked out the week before when I went shopping with MIL and so did everyone else.... we ate good food, as usual.... then we left.... A came home with us.... he stayed til mon.... other than that nothing happened...

in other news, my Christmas tree is down.... I have been informed that it should be left up until Jan 6 (Epiphany) but I just had to take it down... I also cleaned out the shed's attic today (yes our shed has an attic how cool is that) any ways.... now I am just sitting here thinking about how I should be cleaning a such.... so yeah...


Why is it that bandaids don't like to stick to the palm of your hand? I got a little cut on my palm and I put a band aid on it but it is not sticking for anything... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

so yeah

it is offical now.....

I am no longer a member of AOL.... yes I was still using aol until today... I am curently downloading AIM so I can still talk to all the the important ppl, but that will be the extent of my involvment with the wvil emipire of aol... also I have downloaded foxfire, so I am no longer using IE... I do have a question for all you computer geeks though...how do I make it so when I try to get on the web using Netzero (the thingy I am using instead of aol for now) it doesn't use IE? I have foxfire as my default and it still is using IE???? If you can help me out just leave me a note... yeah... so not too much else has happened today... just been cleanong up the compputer and all... so yeah ........

girls group...

so I still haven't told you all about Christmas #4 but that will come later... this is just a note to self and all others that need to be remided (or told as the case may be) our girls group is going to be at my house Tues night... it is just easier that way... If you need aride, debra, just let me know by like 5ish and I will come get you and we will get you home somehow... yeah...

Christmas #3...

yes, I realize it is a little odd to be numbering my Christmases, but that is the only way to keep them straight... didn't take many pics this morning cuz it was Christmas at our house with stockings and all so it was pretty crazy... I did get a really nice watch and 4 tickets to the Genny Ownes concert on jan 6th... So who wants to go with me??? the 3 highest bidders will get to go...lol anyways I also go some candles and other fun things.... soon we will be off to Christmas #4 at the in-laws... it will be fun even though I already know what everyone got because my mother in law can't go shopping without me... that is okay though cuz I got some cool stuff that I will tell you all about later... the kids are having fun playing with all their new stuff and he is taking a shower....

Oh I have happy news... tomorrow is our 2yr anniversery and we have a babysitter... A volunteered to watch the little ppl for a while so we could have dinner and such... then I am sure there will be role playing afterwards.... that is okay though because at least we will go out.... we still have a $50 gift card to wally world that grandaddy gave us for Christmas so we might go do some shopping too... well gotta get the little ppl ready to go to forest I am sure I will tell you all about it tonight... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Eve dinner...

Debra and I cooked our first holiday meal tonight... it was tastey and there were no catastrophies... Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


me and Debra with our dinner



the dinner


the ham... it was yummy

Christmas # 2

this morning we did Christmas with my mom... here are the pics of that....


stacey under the tree


stacey and catlin with their new stuff


stacey with her bus


catlin with her baby stuff

Day 14

so you are wondering what day 14 means, right? well, it is the # of days since AR's car wreck... but it is also the number of days she was in a coma.... yes you read that right, WAS in a coma... she is awake now, and out of ICU... she is pretty alert when she isn't on pain meds, and very responsive to touch when she is... I didn't know that it would feel this good to see her moving her arms and legs around, trying to take off the things they have her hooked up to... I think I just smiled the whole time I was up there.... so happy right now... and relieved... God truely is good....

the dinner roll incident

so Friday we are going to eat dinner (supper, or what ever you call that night time meal) with Debra... we are going to cook at her house... it will be fun... last night I went out and got all the yummy food to cook... here is what I got:

• ham (yummy)
• sweet potatoes (which I don't eat but everyone else does. sure hope Debra knows how to cook them)
• green beans
• potatoes (to cook with the green beans)
• corn
• salad (debra do you guys have salad dressing at your house? I forgot to buy some but I can get some if you all don't have any... and I remembered that you don't like iceburg lettuce, that was you right?)
• baby carrots
• dinner rolls (the whole point of this post will soon be revealed)

so got home put it all away and life was dandy ( I think I left some stuff out but I can't think of what now) and today was going good... I put the girls to the table to eat lunch and I went to get something from the van... I was gone less than 3 mins... I come back in, walk to the table and see the dinner rolls on the floor under the table!!!!!!!!! each one had one bite taken out of it and my 3yr old little person was hiding in the bathroom... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... why can't I have anything in my house that doesn't get ruined by the little ppl? I am so mad.... yeah so now I have to go buy more dinner rolls, so if you think of anything else we need let me know and I will pick it up....

new clothes...

here Catlin is in her new outfit from poppy



tell me this isn't the cutest pic. ever


and here is my big girl... she looks so grown up

Pictures from Christmas at Poppy's

it is catlin with her new baby


and catlin with her huge carebear


stacey with her little mermaid


and stacey with her tigger

I know you are wondering where I have been...

First let me apoligize to my ladies, I am so sorry that I didn't contact anyone and let them know I wasn't going to be around tonight... things kinda went crazy really quick and randomness happened...

now on to where I have been for the last 30 or so hours... well I was talking to Mrs. L on yahoo last night and K told her to ask me to come up there... I was hesitant at first but there has been alot going on so I thought it might be good to get away... so I called him and he said it was fine... oh and they asked if MR could ride with me if I came... so Icalled L & K to tell them I was coming, called MR and told her to get ready and I was off... all of this happened in a half hour time frame and with getting the little ppl ready that is quick.... we didn't arrive til 9:30pm but that was okay cuz no one was even close to sleepy... we hung out and played "Remember When..." for a while (stop racking your brain it isn't a real game we just sat around talking about all the things that happened when we where all together) then we decided to go have some fun... me, k, h, mr, and N (one of thier friends up there) went to wally world (a half hour away), bought spray paint, and the insanity began.... now this is the country so you don't get in much, if any, trouble for the insanity that began... then we got back to the house about 2:30am... hung out, put little ppl to sleep and went to sleep ourselves...

today was equally fun, and insane... we went to this creek in the woods behind the house, and hung out for about 2hrs this morning (no little ppl)... we built a little fire and sat around mostly.... then went home for lunch... then we went back on the 4 wheeler after lunch and took the little ppl. everyone ended up in the FREEZING cold creek cept for me and the little ppl...by the time we got back home it was time for me, the little ppl, and mr to head back to the city... we arrived home around 8:30pm and then I had to go grocery shopping... I feel bad that I just up and left but it was a blast... much needed fun and insanity... yeah it was great...

we aren't having group Thurs, but I will be at your house Fri. Debra!!!!! I got all the stuff tonight... it is going to be so fun... and I told roo she could come too... yippiee...

I am so exhausted but very refreshed.... spent alot of time just sitting admiring God's handywork and realizing that He truely is way bigger than I could ever fathom.... I am glad to be back in the city now though... the counrty is nice place to visit but it is nice to be back....

I do need to talk to everyone about girl's group.... I think that the new year is going to bring on some changes but we will talk more about that later... I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One down, three to go...

Well, we had Christmas today with my dad... the first of four for us this year... I got a great comfy pair of jamies... they are black and pink and shiney and they came with a robe :) I also go this cool picture that matches my black and gold curtians, a nifty tart candle thing, gift card to wally world, and some Curve... the girls got a ton of really cute stuff.. I will post pics later... some time this week we will be doing Christmas with mom, then we will go Christmas here on Christmas morning, and later in the day we will go to the in-laws for Christmas... so much to do... AR is doing better... they have started reducing the meds that are keeping her sedated and the pressure n her brain is doing good... maybe she will be able to wake up soon...

I got to see my S and L last night.. it was so fun, but too short as always... I wish we were closer so we could get together more often, but we aren't... so yeah...

I have some news but won't be sharing it til after Christmas... mostly because it isn't really my news and one of the main parties involved doesn't want it to ruin ppls holiday, but it might be affecting us too.... so yeah...

I can't wait til Christmas... it is going to be so much fun.... the girls are really into it this year... so yeah................

Sorry...

so guys, sorry I wasn't at small group tonight... I got lost in another world (almot literally) and then on my way back I decided that something someone said may be right so I didn't come to small group... I am sure I will be around, but tonight it was more important for me not to be there... and I am really glad now that I didn't go because his mother called me to let me know that they are just going to come here on Sat instead of us going there... so now I have to clean my entire house by 2pm Sat... grrrrrrrrr... I do think it makes more since for them to come here because we have to go shopping so that means we would just be coming right back to Jackson anyways, but couldn't they have decided this last week....anyways... oh for the somewhat daily update on AR... she has a fever of 102.4 so they have her under an ice blanket... if that doesn't work they will have to pack her in ice... but they clamped the drain tube for an hour today and then the pressure started to build so they unclamped it... they will try again tomorrow... it was a good sign that it took an hour for the pressure to start building though... her mom is starting to stress alot more... today made one week... I hurt for her and her family... mostly I hurt because I feel like she is my kid too... God, help her get through this...

Top Story?????

so I am confused and need help understanding this... Why is it that the most important thing they could find to be the "Top Story" on the news at 10pm was Ole Miss getting a new head coach? is it just me or is that really the most important thing that happened today? I almost chopped my finger off, maybe that can be tomorrow's top story... I just find it somewhat silly that on the 30 min news broadcast they spent almost half of their time talking about this guy... maybe it was a slow news day... or maybe ppl in MS just have their priorities all screwed up... so yeah... I am done ranting now...

where is everyone????

man it is quiet today.... no one is around and I am bored... oh well. I guess I will just go and do something productive... see what you guys have reduced me too...

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I haven't been around lately.... not too much going on... AR was in a wreck (not like you guys didn't know that) saw her tonight... it is hard to see her like that and not be able to do something... so Christmas is almost here... lots of fun... we will be venturing out to WEST on Sun to see my dad and all them and do our Christmas there, but before that we have to go to his parents on Sat because it has been 3 wks since they last saw us.... heavan forbid.... then we will be back there for Christmas day chaos... yippee... we are doing Christmas with mom sometime next week too... Christmas wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go here and there and all... we get paid tomorrow (I say we but mean he because I never get paid...) yeah so nothing is going on right now other than one little person being almost sick and the other on not letting her sleep... yeah... OH but I do get to go out with S & L and whoever else Sat night... it will be fun...

not so angry...

tonight was good... I did find out some things that changed my attitude, still don't have all the answers but feeling better about the whole situation... J said that the thing that starts up in Jan is going to be me, C, and J (a J that I don't think many of you are farmiliar with, but he is a great guy) anyways... A is supposedly going to start talking to us all about it soon (better be soon Jan is runing up on us) I feel better now, but am still confused about some things, not angry with the whole situation anymore... just fustrated with how it has been handled... so yeah things will work out... I just need to not jump to conclusions and wait for all the details, which I am sure that someone has... anyway... so we will be moving the piano tomorrow, if anyone can help let me or roo know... other than that... oh I had a nervous breakdown today (only a small one though) now he and mom think I need to see a Dr. yeah... maybe they are right... who knows... we will see what happens... they think that I am stessed... I don't think that I am stressed, I have little to be stressed about... something is wrong, but I doubt that it is stress... so yeah... hey roo don't forget to call JS about his truck... night all

just thinking outloud....

I really wish I knew what to do, what to say.... I feel like anything I say or do will come across as being selfish, or trying to make myself look good... I know that I am a crappy person... I know that I am not as good as the other choice, but hey, at least I am honest.... I guess there is such a thing as too much honesty though... I have too many problems to be effective... is that it... am I too messy? is there such a thing at too messy, and if so where is the line... maybe it is okay to be messy, as long as no one else knows... they are all messy, but they try to hide it... by the way I am still angry but it is slowly going away... God has a plan, I just have to trust Him... sometimes I get really sad over all this... I just hope that some day they will be able to get past whatever it is that makes them like this... I pray they will have a change of heart... I hope they will listen to what God is saying... in a few years this is all going to be just a memory that has made me stronger, but right now in the middle of it all it really sucks... I do hope that what they are doing is going to make a difference... I honestly hope they are doing the righ thing... i just hate the situation, I know what the kids have said (yes, I know the kids say alot of things), and I also know that they trust me... how does he plan on earning their trust... Preaching to them for an hour once a week isn't going to help him out... I hope he has a plan... I know that he is working closly with A so hopefully A can prepare him for wht is going to happen... I wonder how he would have dealt with his car getting keyed 5 times in just 3 months? we would have reacted like a little kid.... he would have gotten angry and quit....I wonder what he would do if someone called him at 11pm and needed to talk... would he get out of bed, drive to their house, sit in the cold, and talk to them; or would he tell them he has to sleep? If he is prepared to be there, then go ahead, but if he thinks this is a one hour a week thing, he is in for a shock.... I will be there when he joins the majority and gives up on them... I will pick up those peices too... and then it will start all over again....

sorry...

I just wanted to add an explination to why the venting post is gone, as I know that a few of you enjoyed it greatly... there are a couple of reasons, the first being that I don't think he would have read it as he probably doesn't read my blog (unless someone sent him a link, which I hope no one did)... the second, and more important reason is that it felt very childish to post the letter for all the world to see, especailly knowing that I have no real intent on giving it to him... I have typed a letter that I might give to him, it seems someone harsh however and there are still some things I am unsure of... if you would like to read it you have my email address so just let me know and I will send you a copy... I was just going to delet the whole venting entry but I think that would also delete the comments that were left and I would not want to lose those so I just deleted the text and kept the entry.... just thought I would let you know.... thanks for all your love, this is a tough situation and I really do want to find the best way to handle it, I just don't think that was the best way....

venting...

this post hasbeen removed for various reasons, sorry

a little better...

So I am feeling a little bit better today... went shopping with roo and k. which reminds me that I need to do somthing as soon as I post this... anyway I am done with christmas shopping... thank God... we had fun... so yeah... I am really boring today with not much to talk about... oooooooooooooo Target has Jones soda... that was great!!! other than that nothing eventful.... yeah so that is all...

here I am...

okay so for those of you keeping track right now I am ANGRY!!!! I could go into it all but I don't feel like it... I am just going to rant to the person/people I am angry at and let you all read it so have fun...

Why do you have to lie? you tell me to find my passion and then do it but when I try you tell me to give up... I am sorry that you have given up, but I can't.... somewhere deep inside I know she is a good kid, I have seen it... why do you have to be like this... I thought we were on to something and we were going to make a difference, but if you just give up because it seems hard then we will never make anything happen... I am not going to give up because she needs someone... I don't care what you think....If it were up to you she would have been dead already, not that I expect you to know that... she trusts me... she knows that I will be there for her... she also knows that even I have my limits, but I would never give up on her... I was called to love her and to be real with her... seems like you were called to tell her ever time she screws up and to tell her she is a bad person... that isn't love... I was fusterated with her, but now I am fusterated with you... I really hate that you can act like you have things figured out and like you are good when you are really just as judgmental as anyone... I have thought about leaving, but I can't leave... if I left who would love her and all the others like her??? sure wouldn't be you... she would slip through the cracks and you would just notice that there is less drama... that isn't what it is all about though... it is about loving each other... i don't see you doing such a great job of that right now though... you are too concerned with other things... I am sorry she is such a bother to you... but you aren't going to keep me from loving her... you can't do that... I won't let you push her away... I don't agree with what she is doing, but that doesn't mean that I don't love her... I am going to be there... I am going to help her put her life back together, with or without your support...

yeah...

so according to bob I am not crazy... that makes me feel better... lets see... what to say.... so Roo and Debra are going to try to go to an event this weekend, but I can't go because I have to go to a Christmas party with him.... yeah fun..... so for the rest of the weekend I will be bored and whiney... but tonight I am going to see roo and we are going to make crazy notes for the boys (ROO DON"T FORGET!!!!) that will be fun...

so I bought Christmas cards and have promised to have them in the mail by Mon., but I realized that I don't have anyones adress or anything... so if you want a damn Christmas card send me your address or you won't get on,k.... so I just spent 2 hours painting plates with the girls that we are going to give to grand parents... I will post some pics when they dry and all...

Oh and I got my USB cable for my camera (stiupid Kodak) thanks to roo!!!! yippie ! so now I don't have to beg my mom to bring her camera over and what not.... so yeah... nothing much going on other than that... I did make some really awesome brownies the other night at like 11pm... they were tastey.... so I guess I am done for now....