Reson # 568

so here is reason #568 why i hate being a stay-at -home mom (I don't really hate it but today hasn't been a good day, take what I say with only a grain of salt) When I need to talk there is no one around.... UGH I hate it.... I really want someone to be around (someone I trust not just some random person that wants to fight about things) but everyone is working, or sleeping, or having a life apart from me.... most days this really is okay, I know the world doesn't revolve around me.... but today I need to talk (even though I don't know about what) and there is no one..... UGH!!!!

seems to be the thing to do

so talking about the Scott Peterson verdict seems to be the thing to do, so I shall jump on the wagon... in case you have been leading a more of a sheltered life than me, he was sentenced to death today... my emotional side says kill the a**hole.... I mean he killed his wife and their child.... if he doesn't deserve death who does.... and then there is another part of me says that no one deserves death for anything, and he should be given a chance to repent and we should show him the grace and love that God showed us.... I am still so torn over the whole deth penalty issue...

as promised something insightful....

this is something that came out of a conversation I had the other night.... (I hope you don't mind me quoting you and yes I saved the conversation so I could re-read it and ponder)

Luckily, God said to stop trying to measure up and instead start trying to relate, to God and to each other.

I think that is what is all boils down to.... Relating.... We already know we are NEVER going to be perfect, so we shouldn't spend so much time worrying about not being perfect.... we need to instead spend time trying to understand and encourage each other, and then we might find that we learn to understand God better in the process...

Part of what went on in the New Testament church was confession... but they didn't confess their sins so that they could be looked down upon or shunned by those that were better than them.... they confessed their sins to each other so they could hole each other accountable and encourage each other.... so they could relate to each other....

Sadly we have, for the most part, lost that art. The art of confession and the art of relating have become things that are seldom practiced in the church today.... we are too worried about beating ppl up with the Bible, and how we interpret what God has to say, to even begin to think that we can relate to each others problems.... and we are too afraid to confess out sins because we don't want to be rejected by those we consider closest to us.... we don't want to be thought of as bad ppl.... so we stay stuck in our runt of not confessing and not relating.... something needs to change.... something HAS to change.... ppl think Christians are hypocrites because for the most part we ARE! we talk so lavishly about having a loving relationship with God, but we REFUSE to have loving relationships with each other......

phone numbers....

if you don't live in MS you probably won't care at all about this post (just thought I would warn all 2 of you) as of today to call anyone in the our local area (the 601 area code) you will have to dial 10 digits instead of just 7.... I promise I am not so lazy that dialing three extra digits is going to keep me from making phone call (not that I make many in the first place) but I do have a question... Are there really so many ppl in the 601 area code that they are running out of #'s so they have to add a new area code? (this is the reason stated for changing to 10 digit dialing, they are having to add another area code because they have run out of, or anticipate running out of soon, 601 #'s) I know that most states have tons of area codes and MS, until this point, has only had 2, but are there that many ppl here? I don't mind having to dial 3 more numbers (even though it was somewhat of a hassle this morning when I lost my dial up connection, yes I still have dial up, and it was after midnight so I had to go in and change the way the #'s are dialed so I could get back online and finish what I was doing) I am just wondering how necessary it all really is.... sorry for boring you all with this....

song lyric

I don't typically post song lyrics, but I feel like it tonight..... don't read too much into it, I didn't write the song, I just like it.....


Peice of Glass

Can't believe I did it again
wake me up from this nightmare
Cuz this monsters filling me up
filling me out
and everyday I live a bit less
one night leads to another.
Even if I went back they wouldn't recognize me
Criticize me.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I can't tell if your telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
after all you're just a peice of glass

Still this nightmare's all mine
When I call Him He answers
I can tell him when to com
when to stay
but sometimes I'm weaker than he is.
Is he just letting me win?
He can tell me when to com
when to stay.
Who are you that cries
when you stare in my face
telling me that I' m just a trace of the person I once was
cuz I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
on you I just can't rely
After all your just a peice of glass.

Don't talk
Listen.
Hold me
tighter.
Stay with me just for a while
until the sun shines stay with me
just give me one more day.
Who are you that lies
when you stare in my face
Telling me that I'm just a trace of the person you once knew
Cause we're not the same
you're just a piture of me
You're gone as soon as I leave
You've lived my life for me
and you're no more than just a peice of glass....



-Ceadmon's Call

Different lifetime

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.... to go back and read things I wrote 10 yrs ago... I don't remember 10 yrs ago, and I don't really care to... it was a whole different life, or at least that is how it seems when I go back and read the things that a scribbled on sheets of paper, napkins, and torn paper bags.... I guess that is what happens when you grow up, all the thngs from your past seem like a different life... it is tough reading about things that happened then.... It makes me cry to know who I was... and then there is the ocassional thing that makes me long to be in that life again... it was a different reality that I lived in.... and in some odd way I loved it there... But I can't go back... We can never really go back to the past... we can't redo our mistakes, or relive any of the greaat times.... they are all ust memories, even if only on paper, and not in our minds.... it is going to take a while to sift through the past 10 yrs of my life.... but when I finish I will let you know how it turned out....

thinking

I had this conversation with someone today about writing... it made me want to write again.. don't worry I didn't write anything new (cept for this post of course) but it got me thinking... maybe I really should write something.... I feel like I have alot to say.... so now I will spend the next week or two going through all the things I have written trying to decide what is crap and what is almost good... then I may post some of it over in my poetry blog....then I might write something new... wouldn't that be a treat... but for now all I have done is dig out the stack of all the stuff I have written that isn't in the comp yet and it is sitting on my desk and on the floor around my desk, and some of it has spilled over into the kitchen.... yes there is quite a bit of it... my writing was called edgy/real/transparent today.... why would anyone want to read my edgy/real/transparant crap when they are living there own? I have no doubt that I will never stop writing, but will I ever really write? okay it is 1:30 in the morning and I am making very little sense now, or maybe you understand completly.... if you do, thank you.... if you don't, I am sorry to have bothered you...

oh and thanks for getting me stared again, you mystirous friend.... I am always much happier when I write.... so thank you.... :)

new poetry

just thought I would let you guys know that there is a new poem here
yeah that is all for now....

why?

okay why do you ppl have to be rude in comments on my blog? I don't know if the anonymous poster meant to be rude or not, but the only reason I allow anonymous comments is b/c I do have friends that don't have blogs.... PLEASE don't go off assuming you know me in my comments when you don't, and if you do know me tell me who you are..... do you really need to know was your question, and maybe my friends do need to know....you however DON'T get the privilege of knowing because you didn't tell me who you are..... if rude anonymous comments continue I will be forced to not allow anonymous comments....

last nights drama

okay so I has already typed out my last post early yesterday afternoon (for those that I talked to that would have been right after I was crying so hard I thought I would throw up) anyways, so I posted it lastnight and completely for got about the events of the night that needed to be told... well the girls were playing as they usually do and C squatted down for a second and when she stood up she hit S in the chin causeing S to bite her tounge.... poor baby.... welll as it is gushing blood we are trying to figure out what to do so I call mom.... she says to bring her over and I do... after looking at it for all of 2 mins she says that I can take her to the hospital and they will make it stop bleeding or I can just go home and wait for it to stop on its own, but that they probably wouldn't stitch it.... so we go home, she gets some children's pain realiever stuff and is off to bed... that was our fun night.... and Roo was here so she got to experience the whole thing with us.... oh the fun... this morning it has stopped bleeding but still looks gross, we will have to keep an eye on it so it doesn't get infected, but she is going to be ok...

todays thoughts...

Let me start my saying that most days I love being a mom and I love being able to stay home with my adorable little girls, but there are the occasional days that I dream about doing other things…. Getting out and being someone else… that is what this is about….

Being a mom is tough work…. I should know because that has been my primary occupation for the past 4 plus years….you don’t get sick days, or vacations… you have to be there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year… when you do happen to go away you can’t help but feel guilty about leaving, and in the back of your mind you know when you get home you will have to work twice as hard to get life back to the way it was before you left… Unless you die you work… now I know there are a lot of ppl that think being a mom isn’t work at all, you just play all day long and then you go to sleep only to wake up the next morning to do it all again… YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WRONG YOU ARE!!! Mom’s are not only the caregivers for the children at home the are also the disciplinarians during the day, the cook, the maid, the story teller, the chauffer, the all purpose what ever you need lady…. And when you aren’t doing one of those things you are thinking about doing those things…. No matter how sick or tired or stressed out you may be by the rest of life you have to go on because if you don’t, if won’t get done… if it doesn’t get done, then someone calls child protective services on you and your precious little ones are given to someone more competent than you…. This is way more stressful than being the CEO of a company, you can always get a new job, but you can’t always get back your little ones…. And one of the worst things is there is very rarely a thank you or anything…. At least in your everyday stressful job you get a compensation at the end of the week, not to mention a day off. But here as a mom you get nothing… you get none of the respect of someone that has gone to school, gotten a degree, and nice day job. You get none of the perks that go with leaving your work at work and your home at home. But occasionally you get a slobbery kiss or a hug from little arm… it almost makes up for all the rest…

just cuz I feel like reliving the horror...

Dec 2003...

Friday night we met up at the church to leave.... there where 8 kids and 3 adults mydelf being the only female..... I rode with L because I didn't know him and everyone else did... the first thing he says to me as we start the hour drive to the retreat place is "Do you know what you are getting into?" now at this point I thought I knew at least a couple of the kids pretty well, but what was to come I could have never expected.... L and I chatted for the next hour about the kids, life, and pretty much all the things that should be chatted about when you meet someone and 5 mins later get in the car with them.... we arrive at CH.... all the kids are still in one peice and we retrive out lugage from the van got settled and M and I left to get pizza.... upon arriving back the fun began... it was really all girls wanting to be the center of attnetion, but it sucked because they made the rest of the weekend HARD.... there was ODing on meds for depression and anxiety, there was running off into the woods, and there was just in general insanity all weekend long.... I didn't sleep at all and I had to take finals monday morning.... Sunday morning Finally came and we loaded up in the van and went home.... so sunday night I finally got to go home and sleep a bit... Monday morning came... I took my first final and then went to sit in the courtyard.... I wanted to have it out with God... Why did He make me go on this aweful trip? why didn't He do great things while we were there? so I sat there going over the weekend in my head trying to find something, anything that was remotly positive about the weekend.... and nothing came to mind. So right then and there I vowed to NEVER do anything with these kids again... by the end of the day I somehow understood what God did this weekend and that I would never not work with these kids.... I got home and had 3 calls from teens that were on that trip... the rest is history, but that is the trip where I found my passion, however hard it may be, this is what God made me to do....

happy memories...

hmmmmm.. where do I even start.... I remember walking in for the first time and feeling like I was at home.... Dec. 2003: central hills(it is a good memoriy in retrospect), need I say more... April 2004: central hills (that was fun).... mexico.... small groups... all the nights at the park... being mad... the artery... cups... man so many memories... it has been a crazy adventure, and it will continue... and who knows where we will be 2 yrs from now, cept for God....

today is the day..

well, today is the day.... the end of something, and the begining of another.... it is very bittersweet. for those of you that haven't been keeping up tonight will be our last meeting at RTPC before going to house churches.... I love the idea of house churches, but I will greatly miss RTPC as it is now... over the past week I have spent alot of time thinking about the past 2 yrs and how I have changed so much largly because of RTPC... It IS family! I think this is the first time I have really understood the real meaning of community. maybe it is because I am older now, or because this is the church I choose to go to, not one that I am told I have to go to... Or maybe it is because we have all made an effort to grso what community really is... now don't get me wrong, there are things that happened that I wish I could change, but I think they all happened to create this moment in time.... RTPC has been around for almost 3 yrs and I think that every second of that time, since the very first thought of RTPC, has worked together to create what is about to happen. It is going to be big! it may seem small, but it is going to be big in the ppls lives that continue to perserve through the trials with the rest of the house churches, here and across America.... things are changing, there will be tears and laughter, but at the end of the night I know that God is going to smile on us because we are doing what He has called us to do!

I really hate

I really hate how RUDE ppl can be.... sometimes it is because of thier ownd ignorance and I understand that but I really wish that ppl who don't know what they are talking about would just keep their mouths shut!!! I mean come on ppl... you don't always know all the circumstances suronding a stiuation so why on earth do you feel the need to judge the ppl involved and bad mouth them.... there are almost always exceptions to the rules...

And then there are ppl that are rude just for the sake of being rude.... what's up with that? you really shouldn't go around stomping on ppl just because you can...

yes i a refering to specific incidents here.... don't worry it probably wasn't something YOU did and if it is when I see you again you will know for sure.... there just seems to have been an outpouring of rude lately (and it wasn't even the I love you and I am just picking on you kinda rude that we all like from time to time), and really it wasn't even directed in my general direction, but it was still rude none the less.... I know I have let one of the offending parties know how I feel, and I am considering ways to let the other know how I feel.... It is just really annoying ...


Ignorance is NOT bliss!!!!!!!

for roo and some other stuff

first of all ROO--- I tried to leave another comment on your blog but it was being anal and wouldn't let me, so what time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow????

in other news, I feel like crap.... not really sick crap, but I have had a fever all week and I am tired... so it is kinds wearing me down....and tim asked if I got a phone call today... I did get a phone call or 2 today but nothing out of the ordinary that would make me wonder why in the world is this person calling me... he wouldn't tell me who it was that was supposed to call so now I have to wait til he gets home to find out.... hmmmmm..... and I finally got tim's tire patched so he will not have to put air in it every morning now... :) other than that I took a nap and did nothing.... just trying to rest for this weekends festivities...

times like this

it is times like this when I really hate life.... I wonder why I was allowed to live this long.... I know that everything happens for a reason but this sucks.... I just want to go away, somewhere that there are no ppl... just me.... thinking out loud.... this makes no sense to you, but that is okay.... I haven't done anything yet (so you can put your minds at ease for now) but I know this day is just going to get worse, so who knows what will happen.

I had an awful dream last night... basically he left and took the girls with him... then I killed myself... would this ever happen in real life.... who knows.... it makes me sad though....

more on house churches.....

okay so if we remember corectly it was back in like Nov or Dec that I started thinking, talking about house churches and now look where things are.... I know that I had nothing directly to do with this but it makes me smile and giggle a bit.... I think it is a great direction for us to go in... there is going to be a bit of confusion at the beginning I am sure, because that is how it always is when things change, but in the long run it is going to be GREAT. I think this is where RTPC is supposed to be.... anyways Sunday we will be eating (so what is everyone bringing) and we will be sharing memeories from the past years.... man the memories are abundent.... maybe I will share some here also.... some are good, some are less than good but they are all a part of who I am now.... they have shaped me and made me, ME!!!! I am sure there will be some around here soon

House Churches

okay so for those of you who don't know RTPC is going to go to House Churches.... this is such a God thing!!! I think He has been preparing us for this all along... but I may not be here to see it which makes me sad, but that is life... I have linked the new RTPC blog to up so you can check it out if you wish... there are so many things to say but I shall refrain for now as it is late and I have ALMOST died like 3 times today (lol) bt I am still alive.... I will let you all know that NEXT sunday is the last SERVICE at RTCP then house churches will start... so what do you guys think about house churches? I will post more later

Here they go again

Okay so while hanging out online today I came across something that was troubleing to me... basically it is the purpose driven life for infants and toddlers... First off let me say I have no problem with Rick Warren or Saddleback church... I do believe God is using Saddleback in huge wasys out in CA and hope to get to visit saddleback when I am in CA later this year... but all this purpose driven CRAP is going to far... the basic idea behing the whole thing is a good one, but now many ppl, non-Christan and Christian alike, see it all as a marketing ploy... really, would it have been so bad if they had stopped after the first book? okay I admit that I haven't read all of every book, I read most of one and glanced at the others, but I think that once you have the basic idea of what they are saying you can apply it to all aspects of your life and minisrty without having to buy and read all 19 billion books to make sure you are doing it right... maybe someone who has read all the books could tell me if I am wrong... this just seems like a never ending thing... I mean where will it stop? do we really need purpose driven house cleaning and purpose driven reading of purpose driven books? maybe somethings have a purpose that is easiy enough to figure out and we really don't need a book to tell us... and maybe there are some things in life that have no purpose at all... Purpose Driven Dust Bunnies anyone?

WHY

why do I feel like everyone is better than me... they are all prettier, stronger, and happier (yes can you believe that there are ppl happier than me?) I feel very apathetic today... really don't care about much of anything... I just want to disapear, not die, just stop exsisting... the more I think about things the less I care... maybe it is because I don't know if there is a need to care, being that I don't know how much longer I am going to be here... maybe it is my minds way of preparing me to leave all that I have cared about for so long... maybe my mind has just simple gone on strike until we move and get settle and then it will start allowing me to care again and get attached to new ppl... who knows....

I may go to the zoo tomorrow with Debra, squishy, and debra's family that is in from Nashville... I really don't know if I want to go but I do want to spend time with debra before she leaves... just the thought of meeting new ppl is yucky... not that I think her family is ctazy or anything, just that I don't feel like meeting anyone new right now...

It doesn't seem like anything is going on this weekend.. roo will be sewing for the war, and well, who else do I hang out with... maybe I will catch up with B&C or maybe I will just spend some time alone... I need it after this week... BLAH....

I have watched ND 5 times since sunday... it is a great movie and it never gets old.... "You're just jealous because I have been chatting online with hot babes all day" yeah....

well, mom is off tomorrow, so maybe we will do something with her... who knows... I really want to take the girls to see the Heffelump movie... but I doubt that will happen... maybe I should do something productive.... I did dishes today, that was mildly productive....

WAITING

so I HATE waiting on things, especially whe n I know I have no control over the situation at all. I would rather you just not tell me anything until it happens...Unfortunately I did not get this option... Two weeks ago I was told that we would be moving, but told that we didn't know when or where!!!!! We were given the best guess estimate that it might be in about 2 weeks and it could be to NW Louisiana... And since then NOTHING!!!! so I am just sitting here waiting rather angry at this point that ppl feel that just because you work for them they can mess with your life like this... I mean I understand that they may really not know until 2 days before he is asked to be there, but WHY did they say anything to begin with... I feel like I should be packing, but what if they decided to keep him in this area (which I would love but that is not the point right now)... I have become semi okay with the idea of moving, I just want to go ahead and get it over with already, I don't want to sit around waiting anymore... I want to get on with my life... There are so many things that I can't plan for right now because I have no freakin clue where I am going to be a month from now! UGH! As you can tell this is really getting the best of me... I feel somewhat debilitated by the whole situation... I hate not knowing....

ND quiz

You are Tater Tots. Go get your own!!


Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

exhausted....

well, I don't know about having girly group tomorrow... I am just exhausted and I have alot that I really need to do... so if we do have it I will probably not be there... we still don't know when we are moving but that is okay right now because there is so much that I need to get done... I feel like I haven't slept in weeks, or maybe longer, even though I know I have... I think I am going to bed early tonight... I can barely keep my eyes opened now... good night

adventures in hair dying....

here is my new hair...

okay... so we were up til after 4am, and it was alot of work but here is the final result.... I like it... oh and there are some other pics here. it was a great night... I love you guys

busy and fun...

well all we are partying here tonight... anyone can come if you can get here, if you need directions email me, I will probably check it at least one more time before fun begins.... any ways, we watched the Grudge last night... I don't want to talk about it... well, I need to go stir the chili....
oh hair pics will be up by Monday for those of you who can't come see me....

It is done....

okay, I got it cut... and I will post a pick at some point, but not now as it is getting late... maybe I will wait a while to keep you all in suspense... by the way who is coming over tomorrow night. if anyone.... I know that there are ppl coming over Saturday, but what about tomorrow night? let me know... I love you guys

what do you guys think of this? it is a little shorter than I was thinking, but what do you think 

Hair

okay guys I need some imput, I want to get my hair cut (just how short I am not sure) so I want to know what you guys think I should do with it... I could just get a trim, or I could go all out and chop it off... I WILL NOT GET BANGS!!!!!!!!!!! other than that I don't know what I want.... so go ahead, give me some ideas.... Oh and make it quick I want to get it cut tomorrow afternoonish... if I don't do it soon I will never do it, so comment away.... (and for those who have no clue what my hair currently looks like I am sure you can dig up a pic in my archives, probably in November...) so suggest away

Tuesday?

so are we doing girls group? if so, same place same time? or should we go to roo's house to eat all the left overs from Sat night? or is everyone busy this week? let me know... love you guys...

the couch

so as promised here is our new couch...



the new couch


the couch again



stacey one the couch , and isn't her hair just cute... it doesn't look like a mullet today


catlin on the couch, she is eqully as cute

the weekend and other things

so the party was GREAT this weekend, many props to niza and roo!!! the rest of the weekend was someone insane... we got the couch (I really will pst pics soon I just haven't gotten around to taking them yet and currently the couch is under a pile of stuff) it is great.... we also got all the random stuff from forest that his parents gave us, and it was an ordeal getting it all here.... but now it is here and life is good...

SO this coming weekend (18-20) there will be a party at my house house all weekend!!! it is kinda an unoffical going away party... will start Friday night and end sunday... Sat we will be dying hair!!! and other than that we are just going to hang out, wtch movies, and stuff... all are invited, just email me for directions....

this weekend?

Okay gals we just have to do something fun this weekend.... I am really bummed out and need to have fun... Roo and I were talking about a anti valentines day party... watch movies, play games, and stuff. Sat night ..... who's up for it? come on lets have fun

sad things....

Well for all of those who know my hubby is awaiting his own office... he was told by the big man today that it would be soon. How soon you ask, well within the next couple of weeks more than likely. and we was told by, the not quite as big but almost, man that it was looking like NW LA (no not Los Angles, but louisiana) this is trumatic for me... I don't want to move to stinking NW LA... I don't want to move at all!!!!!!!!! and with everything else that is going on this is really the last thing I need... there are some good points but right now I am chosing to be tramatized by the whole thing... once he is moved they will put him up in a hotel for up to 60 days to give us a chance to figure out what to do and move.... so then it is looking like I will be moving in less than 3 months... I don't know that I can take this... I really don't... I am going to need lots of support and this screws everything up... I will move though and things will work out, but it is going to be hard!!!! I just want to cry, but I can't and I hate that... we haven't even been in this place for a whole year yet (we have been in pearl but not this house) I am tired of moving... I don't want to do it anymore... and now we are going to be going to somewhere that I don't know anyone... I am going to have to start all over... I can't do this again.... I need sleep... BLAH

I'm better, REALLY...

I am feeling better today, really! I don't feel as disconnected and crappy... still don't know what happened... I figure it was all just in my head... I don't know why I get like that... but now I am better so life will go back to normal until next time..

what the crap is going on....

sorry if this makes no sense to you guys just need to vent without saying too much....


I feel like shit... I don't remember alot of things that happened... what is going on with me? I woke up this morning and didn't know how I got into bed... last thing I remember was sitting here being online at like 11pm... then I woke up in bed... there were other strange things but I will leave out those details for now... I know it is all my fault... but why do I get like this... I just wish he would have stayed up so I could tell him what happened, but instead he got all mad and was in bed before I got home, which caused me to freak out and pretty much lose my mind for a while.... someone told me earlier that maybe I should think of doing some inpatient treatment somewhere... What the crap? I couldn't do that I have kids that need to be taken care of and a house that would never get clean... who cares if I am crazy anyways.... so that is what happened (kinda)

also mom did buy us a couch today but since it is raining we will not be picking it up until the weekend... that what I won't have to try to carry the thing inside by myself... or maybe I will have to do that anyway, but that is another story...

so what am I going to do? probably the same thing I always do, agonize over what to do until eventually I feel better and I don't think I need to do anything until this happens again...

babies and other things

now for the real post...

Okay so the topic of babies has been running in and invading alot of my conversations lately... how many babies is too many? am I going to have more babies? ppl are planning on having babies... and the topic of birth control has also been coming up alot lately.... so I thought that I would talk about it here amongst friends and total strangers alike....

so how many babies is too many? depends on who you are... I don't think I have reached too many yet, but I think I will know when I get there... for some ppl one is too many, but others can have like 6 or something...

am I going to have more babies? I think so... I don't know when, and I am not keeping anything fro you... it is just a thought... I will let you know when it happens though...

I have a question for those that are planning on having babies though, seeing how I have not planed the previous ones that I have acquired. is it easier planning them? also how is it emotionally and mentally when you plan to get pregnant? how do you plan emotionally for pregnancy? I was thinking that I might plan the next one but I also think it would be very emotionally taxing so let me know...

and now... BIRTH CONTROL... this conversation line was started on a message board the other day and it made me think of a conversation with a bunch of unmarried, ppl about a year ago... The question that started both dialogues was "What is God's take on birth control?" I still don't know that I have worked out all my feelings on this, and I think it is a personal decision that you and God and your spouse have to come to... I personally haven't taken birth control in a year and a half and I haven't gotten pregnant, but I think that is because God knows I am not ready for another kid... I conceived both of the kids I have while I was on birth control so I don't care for it much... plus it makes me all sick and stuff... I don't think there is anything morally wrong with most birth control... I am against abortions and the morning after pill... other than that it is a personal thing I guess... what do you guys think...

okay, so we have established that I will have another baby someday and I don't take birth control... anything else you guys want to know? now that I have rambled on and on I think I should stop now before I go into horror stories from pregnancies past...

flip-flops and rainy days

ok so this isn't the most interesting thing I have to post but it needs to be said... BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN WEARING FILP-FLOPS IF IT HAS BEEN RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean it, seriously. I would avoid filp-flops completely if it is raining... see today I was wearing y cool new filp-flops cuz my sneakers were in the van still and I was just going to mom's house and when I was leaving her house I fell on her wet porch and alost died, seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I think I will live... they might have to cut my foot off though... it hurts really bad... so yeah don't wear flip-flops in rain...

back

okay it is monday.... I got home last night in time for church.... seems like there is alot of catching up to do after being gone for one weekend, but I don't feel like it.... so I am just going to go on with life... It was a good weekend... lots of fun... well I need to clean the house now...

there will be church this sunday... A said that he didn't think that many ppl cared about football... did he read your blog Debra?

Finding church...

so here lately I have been finding church in the most unexpected places.... God never ceases to amaze me at how He makes himself know at the least expected times, in the least expected places... God is truely amazing....church is more than a building or even a group of ppl that get together once a week and pretend to like each other for an hour.. church is a family... they support each other... no matter where everyone is your church is there for you... Okay so maybe that isn't how church happens most of the time, but I have seen it happen like that here lately and I know that it is just what I needed... it is very refreshing to see ppl that can really can be a church, without a building or structured meeting time even...we just get together, hang out, start talking, and BAM church happens... we laugh together cry together, and encourage each other... I am so glad I have this... I wish everyone knew just what I was talking about... but in time... I just feel really loved right now, even though some ppl are stupid, and others a bit freaky, I know that I have family.... real church...

from the weird to the rude...

what is with ppl... first of all I got this insanely weird message from someone that I don't know.. then someone that I do know was increadably rude to me for no apperant reason. What the crap!!! oh well... I have gotten alot of nice little encouraging thoughts, in different forms, from many nice ppl.... that is what it is all about.... building each other up... it isn't about pretending to like ppl, or hanging out all the time, it is about being there when they need you... saying something helpful, not hurtful... loving each other...

some stuff...

well, I think there will be no girly group, as roo needs to get some stuff done, and I really don't think I will be getting out that late, as s. is coming doen with a cold, and it is all yucky... blah... and I really just don't feel like being all social and stuff... I know that I will have to be social this weekend so I am feeling the need to hybri nate for the week... alot is going on with me right now, and I know I should talk about it all, but it is all so draining... maybe next week... or maybe it will all be better by then...oh well... hope everyone has a good week...

Okay

so I didn't remember what I was going to say, but I will one day... I am kinda down today.... it is all rainy here and cold... I feel like just curling up in the bed and sleeping, but I can't!!!!! so instead I am having a tea party with the girls and working on some stuff... For all who don't know, we should know something about the building by Thursday. not that I will know anything then, because no one will think it is necessary to let me know anything... oh and did anyone hear what is going on next Sunday? tim said something about no church just small groups after the superbowl? anyone know what is going on, please let me know as it will help me in decideing when to come home on sunday.... anyways... are we doing girly group at AD tomorrow night? I will have the girls... if it is all rainy still I might not come.... just don't feel like getting out... I should make some more floor pillows... hey did anyone notice how much better MR looked last night? I talked to her after everyone left to go eat... she is doing alot better.... I am happy for her... there is so much I need to be doing... but I am just sitting here typing and drinking pretend tea from a small sparkley blue cup with disney princesses on it... the girls are watching Madame Blueberry... I like that one...


Oh Mandi and I had a great idea last night... if we aren't going to have a morning service on Easter we should all go out to breakfast together.... wouldn't that be fun!!! well, I need to go do stuff now....

something

so I should say something before ppl atart getting mad at me for never saying anything... ummmmm yeah.... NAPOLEON DYNAMITE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is a freaking sweet movie and I think everyone should watch it... we got the house rearanged this weekend... still got a little cleaning to do but it is all good for the most part....yeah... there was something else I was going to say but I forgotten now.... I will remember later and then I will let you all know...

here is one of the spiffy curtains I made...

There are acctually 4 curtains but this is the only one that I feel like posting right now... they are done and hanging now... no if I could only get the beds put together and made things would be wonderful... but that can wait until another day...

look at the fun party we had the other day

One of the many reasons I love having little ppl.... life is always fun and interseting... everything is always new... Man, if things were only as simple as playing with plastic ppl and eating fake mcdonald's good all the time... but unfortunatly we have to grow up and become responsible... but thankfully we can still see the world through the eyes of a child on occasion and it makes all the tough times way worth it...

happiness...

I am very happy because I have some really amazing freinds... you know who you are... see today I was sad because it seems as though roo will be working this weekend and the J thingy got cancled so I can't go tell him that I have him even. so it was looking like I was going to be bored all weekend (and it still looks that way but that is okay right now).. So I decided to go out for a while and on the way I checked the mail that hasn't been checked all week.... so I drug all the random peices of mail out of the box and went to the van to look it all over.... there were a couple things for mom (why on earth is her mail still coming to my house?), some silly little pearl newspaper, a couple of magazines that are for the ppl that used to live here (we have been here like 9mths why are we still getting their mail?), some junk mail, AND an nice brown envelope addressed to me:) how very exciting something for me that isn't a bill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rip it opened and out comes a really cool playdough pen and a card.... it was from some of my wonderful friends from the internet... (yes my husband thinks I am crazy because I have friends online that I have never met...) anyways you guys are the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have made my day... thanks for the wonderful RAK!!!!

better

I am feeling a bit better tonight... I have done a little more than nothing today... I am almost done with the curtains and promise to take pics once they are complete and hung up.... so I am hoping to finish up the girls room this weekend so that I can move then into it and make the little room a playroom... I just have to get all these toys out of my living room before I lose my mind... so Spring Break is going to be fun as I am going to aquire some teenagers and I will be carting them around and such the whole week... I am acctually looking forward to it, as teenagers really are fun ppl. other than that nothing too much is happening... I am going to have some deep thoughts to post later.... right now the medicine prohibits me from thinking to deeply or operating heavy machinery... so yeah... hopefully this weekend will find me feeling much better so I can do fun things and be annoying to those that don't like me... that is always a blast...

ugh.

I don't feel any better today... I am still in a ton of pain... maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell the dr. that I could just deal with the pain... but I am sure if I were to have gotten anything it would make me sleep alot and then I would not get anything accomplished, not that I am getting much done now... I need to finish making curtians... and I need to get the weight bench moved... but I just feel like doing nothing... and I have to rest up so I can go tell J how much I hate him on friday (LOL).... yeah... blah...

here it is...

a post... for all that are wondering where I have been... I am still alive, but only slightly.... I have a kidney infection and feel like crap... I hope this medicine they gave me helps... I must be sick, I went to the dr. I HATE DOCTORS!!!
anyway, I am going to bed now...

the hair cut

so we got the little one's have cut a bit today and as promised there are pics.....


the before....

and here is what she looks like not
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the after

not it wasn't as bad as I had expected, but she was pretty pitiful when they put here in that chair... well, the first hair cut is finally behind us....

LOVE...

So I was chatting with someone tonight about being discontent with the church (yes I know when am I not talking about being discontent with the church) and we came to the conclusion that it all comes down to love... the real problem is that we REFUSE to love each other...

So I have a question for you... what is the place, in the traditional church, of a 24yr old stay-at-home mom that has been divorced and is remarried, has no degree, and has never been happy with the way church was being done or the way churches treat ppl? just thought I would ask since it came up in the chat I was having tonight....

well i think it is time to wind down and go to bed... I will post before and after pics of my littlest person tomorrow once the whole incedent is over and done with so you can see how beautiful she is...

I am going to do something weird....

so I just thought I would tell you all about the what I am going to do on Sunday.... I am going to get all dressed up, and go to a traditional church... I am guessing that it is probably going to be full of old ppl singing hymns... Now I have nothing against old ppl that sing hymns, that just isn't my style... so WHY, you ask, am I going to do this.... well it is all in the name of friendship... See I have this friend that I haven't seen in almost 10yrs that is now the minister of music at this church... so I thought I would drive out there (Edwards) and see him... now I'm not 100% sure it is him but I am almost there so I thought I would just drop in and enjoy the service, get out of my comfort zone for a little bit and hope that it is him and we can catch up a bit...

other than that we will be going to Forest tomorrow and getting some more stuff from the in-laws... oh the fun.... and we are going to get catlin's first hair cut tomorrow too... that will be an adventure I am sure but it has to be done... as she won't let us put anythin in it and it is in her eyes all the time...

hmmm...

I don’t know that I can handle the anger anymore… I don’t know that I can handle any emotion anymore… I feel like I am not real anymore… like I am just a figment of someone’s imagination… I’m depressed… I am overwhelmed… I am tired… nothing seems to make me feel any better… nothing that is except… never mind… I feel like I am on some sort of tainted drug… I feel very dazed… I don’t know what to do… I could go to the dr. but then I would have to find a sitter for the girls, and then I would have to figure out why I feel like this… it seems to be way to much trouble for now… I am sure it will pass, it always does eventually… nothing seems to make him happy… or maybe he is happy, but he just doesn’t care to let me in on it… I just want to be loved… to be shown that I am loved… I know the little ppl love me, but it is really hard when they refuse to listen to me, and only me… and I am sure he loves me, but he just thinks I want to be left alone… Alone that seems to be where I am spending a lot of time lately… I don’t even know when the last time I didn’t feel alone was… even in a group of ppl I am still alone… I feel invisible most of the time… today was nice…. some almost random person stopped me in Wal-Mart and started talking to me… I mean I have seen this person before, but I don’t remember ever having a conversation with them until now… made me feel a little more real… and then roo came to see me tonight… that made me smile for a minute, but I didn’t feel much better for long… my mom made her obligatory visit tonight also, since she hasn’t been over since Friday… that made me feel like CRAP! she has a way of doing that… she is good at it… blah….

What is Church...

so I thought I would share the list I found entitled "What Is Church" so that all of you could read it and see what you think... ummm yeah. and I don't remember where I got it so if anyone knows where it is from you can let me know so that I can credit whoever came up with it....

What Is Church?

A church is a local expression of the global and historical body of Christ where:

• People intentionally share life together–A spiritual community where life’s resources are joined together, people are expected and are equipped to be vulnerable and accountable with one another and the community, and the needs of those inside and outside the community are met. (Acts 4:32-34, 2:42-47)

• Worship is experienced–God is central and God’s worth is lifted high and Jesus is worship as God. A place that brings people into the meeting of heaven and earth and call the believer to live life for the reality that awaits. (Romans 12:1-2, Rev.4:5-21)

• Ministry takes place–Ministry is a natural out pouring and result of the gathering of believers and non-believers. (Acts 5:12-25, 2 Cor. 5:18-20)

• Scripture is taught–The Biblical story is told and taught and the Gospel of Jesus Christ is lived out in the community. (Acts 2:42, 2 Tim 3:16)

• Sacraments are shared–The historical celebration and collective participation in Communion and Baptism. (Mt. 26:26-30, Eph. 4:3-6)

• People regularly gather together in a place–The joining together in collective experience is necessary for a community to be a church. (Acts 5)

• People are equipped for ministry–“Lay” people are the “priests” who are given and empowered to do the ministry. (1 Pet. 4:5,9)

• Non-believers come to faith–The church is the primary place where people come to faith and begin to live as Christians. (Acts 5:14)

• Power of the Gospel is displayed–Peoples lives are transformed and society is changed. (1 Cor. 6:9-21)

so there it is for you to all examine on your own... have fun....

Opinions

Okay so upon realizing that I haven't really voiced my opinions very much on the whole selling the building thing I thought I would do so... I know that most of you know my opinion so this is truly an unnecessary post but hey I have nothing better to post today...

upon hearing that the building might be sold I was a little sad... I do love the rock in it's physical and tangible form... I was having a conversation with a very lovely friend that is removed from the situation and I kept referencing it as the church was being sold (now in my mind I know that a church is more than a building but that wasn't making it to my heart just yet) and she had something very insightful to say that finally made the connection to my heart... She said "wait what did you just say... The church isn't being sold.. The church is God's and I am sure He isn't selling it... You may have to sell a building that is all" how simple is that? Yes the church is more than the building... The church is the ppl.... Now I see a far bigger problem with the building being sold... If it is sold then we might just have to start acting like a church to get ppl to believe we are one... I mean when you have a building it is pretty easy to make ppl believe you are a church, even if you really aren't... But now, without a building, we might actually have to love each other and rely on God... We might have to go to someone's house to meet and get out of out comfortable building... Man this is going to be hard if we don't have a building... And don't think that I am just pointing fingers at everyone else, I too am guilty of these very things I talk about... I don't love the ppl in my church, at best most of them are casual acquaintances... I hate that our church has become the thing we hate most... It is just like all those other exclusive "country club" churches... We are just as selfish and whine as all the things we claim to hate... We have the same problems we are trying to get away from.... If something is broken you don't just move it to another place and call it fixed you have to make fundamental changes to it... Maybe this is where we should start...

thinking....

okay so I have been thinking alot about what the church is supposed to be and what has gone wrong in us being that.... I came across a list of things the church should be (including biblical references for each point) and I have been going over it alot here latly... tonight something different stuck out while I was sharing the list with some ppl...

People regularly gather together in a place... (for those curious the scripture is Acts 5)

now this is only one of the things on the list so don't go on leaving me comments about how it takes more to be a church... I recognize that but I want to focus on this one point right now... so on with the thought process...

after I read this one of the ppl that I was sharing it with said "so does that mean we are a church, the 3 of us?" I didn't hesitate to answer yes... then I got to thinking about what Jesus said in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." If this statement was used to qualify something as church or not, then tonight was church.

this lead to even further thinking... many time I am gathered together with other belivers, but it is not in God's name... that would not be church... so when I go to church on Sunday because I feel obligated, or to look good, or to socialize, I am not there for church... I am there for some other reason... it is only when we come together in God's name does it make it church... maybe that is part of the reason churches in America and elsewhere are failing so much to live up to the standard God has set before us... somewhere along the what church stopped being about God and started being about us... it is more of a social club that a worship service to our ALMIGHTY KING!!! the more members we have the better we look, so we must lure ppl into out group by making it fun, and exciting, and different... but all along we are missing the whole point and we aren't being a church at all...

Girls group is back...

well tonight we will be having girls group for the first time since before Christmas... wow has it been that long... I think it is a much needed thing right now, with so much being up in the air, we really need to get together... we have however changed the time from 7pm to 6pm to accomidate our dear roo who has to be in bed at a decent hour because she now has a day job, and we will be meeting at America's Diner, being that it is right at time for the little ppl to eat and roo will be coming straight from work.... I am sure a good time will be had by all, as is typically the case... I have some errands to run before then, but I am just increadibly unmotivated... the girls are feeling a ton better so they are back to their normal, hyperactive selves... I feel like I have so much to do..... I think I will go run errands now...

something new...

okay, so I have decided to quit being mad at me for the time being and take up a more productive hobby.... I am doing research on house churches.... maybe it sounds all weird but that is okay... I have that one book that I still haven't finished reading (you know the one I got forever ago) that talks alot about house churches, and I am networking with some ppl to gey some more info on it... well if anyone that comes across this knows anything about it let me know... I've already gotten some good info on it, and I anticipate getting more over the next few days... we will see what happens... hmmmmm... this could get interesting, I'll let ya know...

forgiveness..

I realized today that I find it way earier to forgive other ppl and move on than to forgive myself... Why is it so hard to forgive me? why is it that I feel that nothing I do is good enough... ugh... it is way easier to know that other ppl screw up, and deal with it and move on... but when I screw up I just get so angry at me... I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and I shouldn't beat myself up over it.... but that is alot easier said than done... my life really isn't all that crappy, and I have no reason for feeling like this, but I still do feel like this... being mad at myself just makes it all worse and I need to get over it and move on....


by the way, how did the new job go today, roo?

CRAP!

I am angry (seems to be a running theme in my life) I am fusterated with myself because I just can't seem to deal with my emotions... I really thought that I was doing good... but I guess I'm not... it just all kinda hit me tonight when I got home... so many things going on... I feel helpless in so many situation. I feel like I am just sitting by waiting for everything to crumble around me... and I am mad at myself for being the way I have been... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

tomorrow is a new day... I REFUSE to live it like I have lived today! I don't want to be like this... I don't want to feel like this...

I suck...

no really I do... I have great friends and we always have a blast together, except when I am bing crappy... so here is the story... me roo and em went out to the subway celebration thing... I started feeling like crap, and so I had a crappy time... i don't know what happened, I just started getting pains in my stomache... then it became a task just to stand up and breath at the same time... and to make matters worse my mind started drifting to other places, that made it harder to stand.... so I just stood in the corner for a while... I should sleep... but my mind is still drifting (thankfully I am sitting) I think I would have had fun under different circumstances... Sorry that I suck so much you guys... but at least it didn't look like it was hindering you too much from having fun.... maybe next time will be better...

whining (yes again)

I want to go hang out with roo... but everyone in my house is sick except for me and he doesn't want me to leave... so I will be here until they all go to bed... the little ppl are sleeping on the couch right now, but hopefully they will get transplanted to thier bed soon... I don't even care what we do I just don't want to sit here all night long.... I guess roo is still sleeping... I was supposed to go by her house at 7pm to wake her, but I didn't seeing how I can't go out... I did try to call MB but there was no answer.... I really don't want to sit here all night... I want to go have fun.... i have been stuck here all week except for last night.... I have stuff I could be doing here but I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like...

I just feel like writing... yep... not about anything in particular, just feel like writing... I have been spending alot of time going through my poetry this week.... trying to organize it and find the good stuff...yeah... it has been very draining at times... I hate the fact that I have to type it all into the computer... I wish I had done this before... but no... so now I have to take the time to type it all out so i can have it in my comp. oh the fun....

so I hope I get to go out with roo tonight... I need to call MB cuz roo wanted me too... I really have alot of things i need to do around here, but I also can't stand not getting out... I am going to go see AR today... and for those of you keeping track the girls are feeling much better... S still has a little fever but she is up playing today...yeah so that is it I think I will go write a new poem now..

Oh what a fun night...

Yummmy.... oh never mind you wouldn't understand...

anyways, last night I went to see C & B... they were getting ready to go me R at Hal & Mal's and see the Vamps... I went along... it was WAY more fun than expected... hadn't seem R since B & C's wedding... He got his hair cut, it looks way nice now... He has kidney stones, but still drove from Yazoo to hang out... poor thing was in pain most of the time... there were these drunk guys were throwing darts and we thought they were going to hit us a few times... then we went and stood near the front and finally some ppl left and we took their table... fun was had by all... I had 2 SoCo and cokes... they were nice... then we left to go get food as we were all starving... it was 1am so our choices where limited to Waffle house, or IHOP... so waffle house it was... but then we remembered that WHATABURGER was opened all night and you can go inside til like 3am so we did that instead.... we ate good burgers, and stayed there til like 3 talking... oh how I miss those guys... we have such a great time.... then went back to B & C's house and sat in the nice warm car for a while... then I cam home around 4am... fun was had by all.... and did I mention YUMMMY................ (you still don't understand, sorry)

I neer realized...

so I never realized how difficult it can be to type with one arm in a brace. why is one of my arms in a brace you ask... well it is because I have been typing all day and I can feel the pressure increasing in my right wrist already (carpal tunnel syndrome and all) but I instist on typing still, mostly because I am angry that I spent all day working on a book idea got 10 pages into it, went to get my brace to attmpt to finishs up a couple more pages came back only to find that my computer had froze and I had yet to save the last 5 pages.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... the anger is great... I just want to hit something, but I am sure that wouldn't help any so I just thougt I would let you all share in my anger....

just to let you know

I started a poetry blog... go here to check it out... most of it is gonna be older stuff that just needs a home... I was bored and lonly, what can I say... there is also a link on my blog roll thingy it is poetry and stuff...

I need...

I need something... i just don't know what... today has been really hard and it is just now half over... I long for the past today... something to take me to a different reality... I don't know where this is all coming from... it hasn't been this hard in a while... I know ppl... I could easily do it all again... but what would I gain from it? nothing, really.. but do you have to gain something... I am just tired... tired of all of the crap... i just want to slip away, to somewhere else... to another world, full of happiness... I know I can't... there is too much at stake and all.. Blah, blah, blah.... I've heard it all before, and I've said it all before... now I realizie none of it really helps when you are in the middle of it all... it doesn't make the desire any less... it doesn't make the pain go away... they are just words.... meaningless words.... I need to go do something...

4am and rambling...

yes it is 4am, yes i am still awake... I am not sure why... depression slipped up on me somewhere between 1am and now and has been fighting to keep me awake ever since... I found a nice safe place to sit for a while... and then I came back to reality to find it morning... no one is around... all is quiet... I feel very isolated this week... haven't left the house much except for short trips to pick up things I thought I needed... turns out I really didn't need them at all... and then I went and saw roo at the hotel... that turned into a bigger event than I expected when I locked myself out of the house and had to make a trip to see mom.. I should sleep now... maybe I will feel better when I wake up... maybe not...

Not sure why...

so over one this message board we got to talking about drugs (someone wanted facts, and stats and stuff) some good info came up and I felt compelled to share it here... not sure why... so here it is

• The use of drugs has been present in every society since the dawn of civilization.
• Nicotine is the most physically addictive substance-- more than heroin, more than cocaine, more than methamphetamines.
• Alcohol is the most acute and longterm toxic drug-- more than heroin, more than cocaine.

so yeah there it is.... there was one other thing that I didn't post for reasons that I will not say... but if you want to know what that fact was let me know... I will either tell you what it was or I will tell you that I don't think you can handle it... don't be offended... just don't think some ppl could handle that type of info... so while we are on the subject of drugs.... I don't do them anymore... except the smoking thing... but I am getting better... yeah.. if anyone stumbles across this that wants to talk about getting off drugs, just let me know... yeah I will do what I can... well I must go eat now...

It has come to my attention

so it has come to my attention that some ppl want to know WHY on earth I am not just going to leave RTPC and go somewhere else (or no where else but that is really a whole different issue all together) well it is simple really... God has made it clear that it is not time to move on yet... okay so maybe it isn't that clear to some of you... I don't really understand it either... but for some reason God wants me at RTPC still... over the past few months I have become increasingly uncomfortable at RTPC, and anywhere I go is more comfortable than there... so most ppl would take this as a sign to leave but not me... the fact that I am so uncomfortable there is why I stay... see if I were comfortable I would lose my focus... my focus isn't me, I don't go to church because it is about me.... it is about worshiping God.... with the level of discomfort I am forced to focus on God, not the music, or the ppl, but GOD!!! He is the reason I am there... some weeks worship looks nothing like a normal Sunday service... there was one week where I sat in the back room with a pen a nd a peice of paper and just wrote a letter to God... that was one of the most meaningful things I have done in a long time as worship, and it was all because I was uncomfortable... so I can't see the bigger picture right now.... I don't know why God wants me to continue staying at RTPC... but until I feel that HE wants me to leave I will be there... I don't hate it there... and I am becoming rather accustom to just being there for God and not everyone else...

oh and my thoughts on the circle thing... some weeks I really like it because I can see everyone... other weeks I really hate it because I realize everyone can see me... it makes things seem a little more transparent... the circle was NOT my idea, and I really have little control over it.... sorry if you don't like it.... I personally think we should all sit on the floor... but that is just me...

so I was thinking

so after my nice long nap I started thinking (statments like this always end up going in circles so just try to stay with me) about why I started going to RTPC... I mean what was it that was so different about RTPC? so I thought back to a year and a half-ish ago and then I remembered what it was.... it wasn't the band (even though they are starting to grow on me), it wasn't Pastor G. (good thing too or I would have left by now), and it wasn't A. (back then there was no A.)... It was the fact that God was doing stuff there, and it seemed like they really wanted ppl to be involved... and at first they really seemed supportive and all... but now it seems like they only want certain ppl to be involved.... only the educated, cool, or inattached can be involved now... I what you are thinking, "A. isn't educated, or that cool, and he is definatly attached... For some reason he is immune to this rule... for the rest of us however the only way we can be involved is to be single (I guess you and your spouse are both doing the same thing at all times then you might be allowed to be involved), be educated at the finest of colleges (or at least have a degree, it can be in under water basket weaving as long as it is a degree), and you have to be cool (however I am not sure who gets to define cool)... Oh and if you have kids then you should probably just show up on Sundays cuz kids require too much of your time and attention to be involved with anything here....

so as you all can tell I am on a tangent this week... sorry for all of you who could care less... I know that I am sounding all whiney, but hey IT'S MY BLOG!!!! no one is forcing you to read it...I am sure I am just making things worse than they really are, and I will be okay in a few days... but until then I will continue to bore you all with my rants about RTPC and the IC in general.. so yeah....

something tottally unrelated but it made me mad.... Since when did the Pearl Post Office started closing at 4:30????? I went to mail something to someone today and it was like 4:32 and they were closed.... I was so angry.... I guess I will have to wait til tomorrw.... Grrrrrrrrrr.....

and for those of you keeping track I have slept for a total of 5 hours since returning from New Orleans... yes that is 5 hours since Sunday.... I feel like I am going to die any time now... the girls are doing a little better... well, not really but I am telling myself that cuz our insurance cards haven't come in the mail yet (they were supposed to be sent out right after the first) so taking the girls to the dr. would mean lot of bills that we just can't afford right now.... they are napping again right now though so that is good...

Church or Community

I realize that the church should be a community, but after a lengthy conversation with someone very removed from the situation I have come to the conclusion that our church is not a community. We are a bunch of ppl that like the idea of community in theroy, but we would just die if it were put into practice. If we acctually practiced community we would have to talk to ppl outside our own little worlds... we would have to make an effort to get to know ppl that we don't even really like... we would have to go out of our way to do nice things for ppl... we might even see some of these ppl more than just one day a week for an hour or so... man it would be hard.... Don't get me wrong some of us try to do this.... there are a few of us that try to meet up several times a week just to hang out and share our lives with each other... but for the most part our church lacks greatly in community... for the most part we could care less about the ppl that are in our building on Sundays.... and for the most part we all want to live in our own little worlds and only come in to contact with each other on Sundays.... the one exception that comes to mind is our girly group that meets on Tuesdays (but not this week because I am being antisocal and the others decided to cancel this week) We meet on Tuesdays and we get together at other random times also... but it still seems somewhat exclusive... we have tried to get others to come, but they don't... I guess they just don't like us... maybe they think that we are weird or something.... I mean no one wants to live in community with weird ppl, right?

so my question is how do you do it? I mean it is human nature to cling to the ppl you are comfortable and farmilar with, so how on earth do you get past that? how do you form a real community with a whole church full of different ppl? can it be done? I am sure it can, I hear about it being done all over the place... But how do we make it happen? how do we do it here in Pearl, MS? how do we get away from having cliques in our churchs? how do we get away from being a large group of seemingly exclusive clubs that come together one day a week? the reason I think that we are a church full of cliques and exclusive clubs is because I have been told that our leadership team is a clique and has to be that way!!!! does it really? why can't the leadership of a church just be ppl that are gifted in leading, and not a group of the cool, most holy, ppl in the church?

as you can tell I still have alot of questions... I don't have many answers at all... I hope to visit some of the churches that are doing community right in the near future... I want to figure this out... It has been bothering me alot more than usual lately.... sorry to bother those of you who don't care about this stuff...

so fusterated...

man, it is so hard when both of the little ppl are sick.. I think that this is the first time they have ever both been sick at the same time... stacey doesn't really ever get sick so when she is sick it is always bad... Catlin on the other hand gets sick rather frequently but it is just a cold usually... the problem is that even though they are only 2 & 3 they are usually very self sufficiant, as they think they are teenagers.... but when they are sick they go back to being 2 & 3, very whiny and needing me to do everything for them.... this is so fusterating, especially when it is 2am and I want to sleep but they need medicine or want me to lay with them in their tiny beds... oh I hope the sickness passes soon... I feel as though I am catching it now also, however. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........

its going to be a long night...

well catlin is sick, and she is having these coughing fits... so being the parinoid mother that I am I don't want to sleep all the way at the other end of the house in case something happens... I was going to stay awake for a while longer, but no one is around to talk to, or at least no one is talking to me, so I guess I will go lay on the floor next to her bed and try to fall asleep...I can tell it is going to be a long night now... I just need to sleep and now I am going to go sleep on the hard floor... if the girls don't have fevers tomorrow I think I will go with my mom... she wants me to go with her anyways, but if they are still all whiny I won't be able to handle a car ride that long... yeah... I feel very depressed and discouraged right now... and very alone... I just medicated the little ppl again and now they are quiet, except for the random coughing fits.... I usually like the wuiet at night, but tonight it is painful... I just want to disappear for a while... yeah maybe I will do that...

I think I am starting to figure out my problem with YOU

Clearification.... for the purpose of this post you refers to the institutionalized church... it is based on my experience with my curent institutionalized church... if this post comes across as general and is not true about your church I am sorry... also you may refer to my current church but it in no way refers to any specific person... I have been told that the things I am going to say are just further proof that I truely belong in the postmodern church....


so you say that you want us to be involved, but you know that isn't true... you only want us to be involved to the extent that you decided... you don't care about what gifts God has given us or what He has called us to do... No it is about what you want... it is about what suits your needs...there is so much you are missing out on because you are too caught up in looking good to the world... if you would just take a second and look at what is going on in the middle of you it would be obvious that there are ppl that can help, but you would have to let them be all that God ment for them to be... you wouldn't be able to hinder them from doing what God has called them to do... instead you tell ppl that you want them to find their purpose and do God's will, but the second they try to do that you start spouting off all the reasons that they can't do it... One day this will be your downfall... one day it will be evident that it isn't just the perfect and "holy" that lead you, but also the messy... hope I am still around to see that day... but I doubt I will be here...



okay so what does all this mean for my life... what application do my thoughts have on what I am going to do... well, thankfully I am in a wonderful online community, so I won't suffer in that aspect... I am going to do just what you want me to so though... I am going to stop.... I will be at service on Sunday, and I will still go to a small group whenever I can, but that will be the extent of my involvment in with you... no more bending over backwards just to prove to you that God can use me too... it is obvious that you don't care... it is more than obvious that you think that I am not good enough to be used by God.... so I will just continue to search until I find a physical community that believes me, and believes that God can use ppl no matter how messy the person....

Happy link...

hi all... I have a happy link to the pics from NO (or at least some of them as I do not have permission to post a certain one of roo and I will not be posting several of me) here it is...

a little story for you all

Okay so New Orleans was GREAT.... and I have a little story to tell you all now... I will most deffinatly tell you all more about the trip in the days to come but for now just one story.... so we wanted gnomes and we got them... I know your thinking that it isn't a good story but really it is... they just showed up outside our hotel room.... we went to sleep Sat afternoon, woke up about 10pm to knocking on our window.... we look outside and what do we find???


the gnomes....
No, REALLY... that is how we got out gnomes... Niza's was with them but they kept him restrained and he was on the floor... so yes now we have gnomes... roo's is named Darren Dervish (right?) and I think I have finally come up with a name for mine..... *insert drum roll here* He shall be called FITZ.... (short for fitzgerald)... Niza's is Beaudreax the cajun gnome... there are more pics than I could ever post on my blog so I will find somewhere to put them and let you all know where you can go to veiw them... I do however need roo's permission to put at least one of them on the web for the world to see... hopefully she knows what I am talking about and will let me know... also roo I need you g-mail adress again as it seems I have lost it and I want to send you some of the pics that will NOT be put on the web for the world to see... so I am off to find somewhere to put them now... I will let you all know

stormy night....

Well, it is a stormy night here in MS... it hasn't rained like this in a while...I like it

I did find a sitter for the morning, finally... it took much hard work, but now I am for sure going to NO and getting to leave with roo and her parents in the morning... I am going to be taking along my trusty laptop and hoping for a wifi connection that can be picked up in the hotel room, but I make no promises about it to anyone... there will be a full report along with a mulititude of pictures on monday if nothing esle... I am very excited, but I have much to do before I leave my house around 7:30am... i haven't even thought about packing, and I should clean some so the house isn't a total mess when I get hom sunday... this will be so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in other news, or fish died last night :( don't really know what happened, i did all the things you must do to keep a fish alive, but none the less when I got home last night he was dead.... I figured it was becasue he was a Walmmart fish, so when I went to get a new on I went to Pet Smart... hoping to find a rather in expensive gold fish I ended up leaving with 2... they were only 12 cents each.... and the guy gave me a free thing of food even though I insisted that i didn't need it... oh well... so now I have 2 cute little gold fish in a bowl on top of my tv..... hopefully they won't die too....

Well I am off to prepare for NO... I shall see you all when I return....

new orleans, gnomes, and maybe some other stufff

SO I am in the process of looking for a babysitter for tomorrow AM I still need to talk to my hubby about what time he has to be at work as he didn't know last night when I got home.... but if anyone wants to do it for me the earliest you would have to be here is 7:45am (but the kids won't wake up til 9am so you can sleep on somewhere around here til then....) and Tim will be home by 12:30.... anyways.... on to better things.... the reason I need a sitter is so that I can have a mini vacation to NEW ORLEANS with roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one of the first orders of business down there after checking into the hotel (or maybe before if we have a bit of time after the other things that must be done) willl be to go get Gnomes!!!!!!!!!!!! these little guys are supper cute... we must have them early on in the trip so that we can take them around New Orleans with us.... we will have much fun with our little gnomes..... now I haven't been to new orleans in like 9 years so there is much excitment about this trip for me.... I am sure it will be much fun.... I will let you all know when I get a babysitter.... yes.... there will also be many pictures of me, roo, and our gnomes posted monday, or maybe a link to a happy photo album or something as I am sure it will talk hours to get all the pics on here like I want them.... so yes, I should go so I can get some things done and search for a sitter now....

Ginny Owens...

okay so we went to the Ginny Owens concert.. it was way fun... all those who didn't go should be greatly depressed now... a good time was had by all 2 of us... and then we went to America's Diner... it was fun.... here are some pics...




Ginny :)


this one isn't that good...


here is Ginny and the drummer... his name was nate right?


here is one of them all... it is a little grainy but it is the best I could get


nice ginny and nate pic


they only pic of tony and the close up of his face is bad so I will not post it

I will post about all the excitment of going to NO, and the gnomes tomorrow as it is late now... goodnight

so I guess I should do this....

I told roo that I would post directions to the concert for her so here they are...

go down to lakeland (however you chose to get there will be fine...)
you will be going left on lakeland from just about anywhere you get onto lakeland at....
go all the way to the end (the stop light in front of cups in Fondern ya know)
take a right....
go through the first 2 stop lights
the church will be on the left....
it is WOODLAND HILLS BAPTIST CHURCH....

the concert starts at 6:30
Debra is going to meet me at my house... we will probably pick Kim up although I haven't talked to her being that it is her bday today and she is at Kelly's (remind me later and I will tell you what her dad said)
she is supposed to call me in the am.... and being that I didn't talk to her I still don't know about a babysitter for Sat... we will see...

we will be leaving my house no later than 5:45 so we should be at the church no later than 6:15 (that is giving us time to pick up Kim) so yeah.... afterwards we are thinking of going to Waffle House or something, but I know roo will have to be at work at 11pm so maybe we will bring you something if it is late.... that is all for now..

by the way Congrats roo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I heard only great things about you when he got home from work.... you made quite an impression....

not much better...

have you ever had someone (well, okay just about everyone you know) telling you they loved you but still you felt very unloved.... I don't know why I feel like this... I guess it just seems like, with recent events and all, that there is always someone or something more improtant than me... I know that is really true, but sometimes it seems like it... there is also always someone better than me... grrrrrrrrrrrrr.... I hate feeling like this... it guess it will be okay... I will eventually be better... I guess it willjust take some time... yeah...

in other news I applied for some jobs out in CA today... we can't move til at least June, but hey I can start looking, right? none of them I really want that much, but hey, it is a start huh? I don't even know if we will move, but yeah... we will see what happens.... hmmmmmmmmmmm...

...

So I think I should blog now.... I don't really want go into it though.... Let's just say that I feel like a worthless piece of crap, and I think I did it all to myself... but hey, at least I was home before i said I would be, right? I hope that I didn't bruise his ego too much by telling him that I hated him... I don't hate him..... I don't really hate anyone (well there is one person but we won't go into that now will we...) so yeah now that I have successfully made myself feel crappy I think I will avoid ppl as much as possible this week... I know there is the concert on Thursday (debra, don't forget about that, i am sure I will remind you later) but other than that I don't think I will go out... There will be no Tuesday night girly group, unless you guys decided that you would like to get together, but I won't be there.... I just need some time to figure things out.... I feel like I have done everything wrong... I also feel like staying here is only makeing things worse... (don't know exactly what I mean by here, guess that is one of the things I need to figure out....) I am also still angery about the hole C/youth thing.... there is alot more too it though... it is another complex issue that still needs to be figured out in my head before it can make its way to the blog for the masses (all 2 of you) to read.... I just feel very unskilled right now.... Like I don't know what is going on anywhere and even if I did I could do nothing about it.... the only thing I know how to do is watch little ppl, and I don't even do a very good job at that... this is all very depressing, isn't it? I should stop now before all of you become depressed also....


Oh by the way, you should see Finding NeverLand.... it is the best movie... and if you have already seen it you should go see it again.... yes, that is all

new years Day....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

well it is a new year... time to reflect on all the things that have happened in the past year, and dream of all the things that you want to happen this year... so the past year has been crazy... we started things out living in Hattiesburg, then move in with Mrs. L in pearl, then we bought our house and moved in.... things have been insane.... it seems like too much has happened for it to have only been a year.... I got to go on my first road trip all alone, and I had a blast. Dallas and NYWC were so much fun, I am looking forward to Nashville in Nov.... I have also made some really amazing friends this year, and strengthened some great relationships... I Love YOU GUYS!!!!! maybe I will elaborate more on all of you later.... this year has been HUGE in my relationship with God.... I don't even know where to begin.... I have learned that God is way bigger than I could ever imagine, and so are His plans.... I've learned that relationships are way more improtant than I every thought before.... the kids have become little ppl and not just the babies... they are growing up so much... there were things that happened in 2004 that affected me more than I had expected... Bob going to college was weird... for the past few years I have felt partly like a parent, and partly like a big sister to him... I am glad he is doing well.... another thing that has been hard for me is trying to have balance... it is tough to blance all the things that are going on, but I think I am getting better at it...

so the things that I want to see 2005 bring.... I want to become more of who God wants me to be and less of who I want me to be... also I hope to get to meet some of my great internet friends this year (this may sound odd but if you knew all these guys it would sound alright, really) and I hope to continue to build relationships with the ppl that I live in community with... I also would like to see our community become stonger, more of a real community... and I hope to get to see some old friends and catch up.... I wish all of you a wonderful year, full of dreams that come true, and lots of fun....

so yeah... soon I will be off to go have fun celebrating the new year and watching Jonny Depp... I will post fireworks pics from last night sometime soon, and don't worry carlos, your pic will also be here then too...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!