New years Day fetivities...

We are in luck.... Finding Neverland is still playing at several of our local theaters, so we will be going to see it Saturday Jan 1, 2005!!!!!!!! I don't care if I am half dead I am going to go..... so now we just have to figure out what time... here is when and where it is playing....

1. Lakeland.... 12:45, 3:45, 7:30, 10:15
2. Clinton.... 1:00, 4:00, 7:05, 9:45
3. Northpark...... 12:10, 3:00, 7:00, 9:40

Of course it can't be playing at Tinseltown, which is the theater closes to both of us.... but that is okay.... maybe we can grab something to eat before or after (no fast food) Hey, Debra, if you are free and want to come let us know, we can make it a fun girls night or something.... maybe we can go shopping too, just because we all like shopping.... so yeah .... I figure we will probably end up going to one of the 7ish shows as roo will need to sleep when she gets off work.... so yeah that is all

ycuk...

I still feel like crap... I think the headache from last night might be the beginning of a sickness... when he got home I had a fever so I went to bed... I slept for more than 12 hours.... the headache is gone but now I have a yuck feeling of wooziness and just general crapiness..... I don't feel like moving... I should go cook the little ppl lunch being that it is almost 1pm, but they are content right now and they just had cereal about an hour and a half ago... we are supposed to go out to forest for dinner and fireworks tonight, but it might rain... oh well.... I have to feel better tomorrow because roo and I are going to see Finding Nerverland!!!!!!!!!!!!! my living room is cluttered with little wooden blocks that would try to kill be if I walked to the kitchen to get more water, so I will just sit here.... I feel like I should be doing something, buti just can't get motivated.... maybe I will take a nap, but then the little ppl would destroy my house, so maybe I will just sit here.... yeah....


oh, by the way, happy last day of 2004.... Bring on 2005....

oh and one more thing... for those of you that know Megan R. be praying for her.... some crap going on that I will tell you all about in person if you ask, but I will not be putting it on the web for any random person to come across and read.... thanks....

my head is going to explode....

today is awful.... I just wish that my head would go ahead and explode so that I would not be in this pain.... and to make it worse the little ppl are not listening at all and are screaming at the top of their lungs.... he won't be home until after 8pm tonight and didn't seem to care when I called him... the only other person that I could think to call at the moment of pure insanity was shopping so couldn't talk to me............. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........................... I hate days like this.... I did get a few things done today.... mostly taking down my christmas tree... I need to take a video game back to blockbuster.... I got it with my mom's account and it is already a day late.... she is going to be pissed off... I just want to go crawl under a rock for a while.... and to top it all off it is still 65 degrees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the crap???????????? isn't is supposed to be winter already.... we had like one week of winter where like 2 snow flakes fell from the sky........ sometimes I really miss MA.... but for more reasons that the cold white weather.... that is another story that I don't care to share right now however..... mmmmmmm.... yeah anyways... I am going to go sedate some little ppl now so that maybe my head will stop hurting..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Christmas #4 and other random thngs

Well, since I haven't told you all about Christmas with the in-laws, and iI am sure you are dieing to hear, here it is.... it was pretty uneventful.... I got what I picked out the week before when I went shopping with MIL and so did everyone else.... we ate good food, as usual.... then we left.... A came home with us.... he stayed til mon.... other than that nothing happened...

in other news, my Christmas tree is down.... I have been informed that it should be left up until Jan 6 (Epiphany) but I just had to take it down... I also cleaned out the shed's attic today (yes our shed has an attic how cool is that) any ways.... now I am just sitting here thinking about how I should be cleaning a such.... so yeah...


Why is it that bandaids don't like to stick to the palm of your hand? I got a little cut on my palm and I put a band aid on it but it is not sticking for anything... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

so yeah

it is offical now.....

I am no longer a member of AOL.... yes I was still using aol until today... I am curently downloading AIM so I can still talk to all the the important ppl, but that will be the extent of my involvment with the wvil emipire of aol... also I have downloaded foxfire, so I am no longer using IE... I do have a question for all you computer geeks though...how do I make it so when I try to get on the web using Netzero (the thingy I am using instead of aol for now) it doesn't use IE? I have foxfire as my default and it still is using IE???? If you can help me out just leave me a note... yeah... so not too much else has happened today... just been cleanong up the compputer and all... so yeah ........

girls group...

so I still haven't told you all about Christmas #4 but that will come later... this is just a note to self and all others that need to be remided (or told as the case may be) our girls group is going to be at my house Tues night... it is just easier that way... If you need aride, debra, just let me know by like 5ish and I will come get you and we will get you home somehow... yeah...

Christmas #3...

yes, I realize it is a little odd to be numbering my Christmases, but that is the only way to keep them straight... didn't take many pics this morning cuz it was Christmas at our house with stockings and all so it was pretty crazy... I did get a really nice watch and 4 tickets to the Genny Ownes concert on jan 6th... So who wants to go with me??? the 3 highest bidders will get to go...lol anyways I also go some candles and other fun things.... soon we will be off to Christmas #4 at the in-laws... it will be fun even though I already know what everyone got because my mother in law can't go shopping without me... that is okay though cuz I got some cool stuff that I will tell you all about later... the kids are having fun playing with all their new stuff and he is taking a shower....

Oh I have happy news... tomorrow is our 2yr anniversery and we have a babysitter... A volunteered to watch the little ppl for a while so we could have dinner and such... then I am sure there will be role playing afterwards.... that is okay though because at least we will go out.... we still have a $50 gift card to wally world that grandaddy gave us for Christmas so we might go do some shopping too... well gotta get the little ppl ready to go to forest I am sure I will tell you all about it tonight... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Eve dinner...

Debra and I cooked our first holiday meal tonight... it was tastey and there were no catastrophies... Yippie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


me and Debra with our dinner



the dinner


the ham... it was yummy

Christmas # 2

this morning we did Christmas with my mom... here are the pics of that....


stacey under the tree


stacey and catlin with their new stuff


stacey with her bus


catlin with her baby stuff

Day 14

so you are wondering what day 14 means, right? well, it is the # of days since AR's car wreck... but it is also the number of days she was in a coma.... yes you read that right, WAS in a coma... she is awake now, and out of ICU... she is pretty alert when she isn't on pain meds, and very responsive to touch when she is... I didn't know that it would feel this good to see her moving her arms and legs around, trying to take off the things they have her hooked up to... I think I just smiled the whole time I was up there.... so happy right now... and relieved... God truely is good....

the dinner roll incident

so Friday we are going to eat dinner (supper, or what ever you call that night time meal) with Debra... we are going to cook at her house... it will be fun... last night I went out and got all the yummy food to cook... here is what I got:

• ham (yummy)
• sweet potatoes (which I don't eat but everyone else does. sure hope Debra knows how to cook them)
• green beans
• potatoes (to cook with the green beans)
• corn
• salad (debra do you guys have salad dressing at your house? I forgot to buy some but I can get some if you all don't have any... and I remembered that you don't like iceburg lettuce, that was you right?)
• baby carrots
• dinner rolls (the whole point of this post will soon be revealed)

so got home put it all away and life was dandy ( I think I left some stuff out but I can't think of what now) and today was going good... I put the girls to the table to eat lunch and I went to get something from the van... I was gone less than 3 mins... I come back in, walk to the table and see the dinner rolls on the floor under the table!!!!!!!!! each one had one bite taken out of it and my 3yr old little person was hiding in the bathroom... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... why can't I have anything in my house that doesn't get ruined by the little ppl? I am so mad.... yeah so now I have to go buy more dinner rolls, so if you think of anything else we need let me know and I will pick it up....

new clothes...

here Catlin is in her new outfit from poppy



tell me this isn't the cutest pic. ever


and here is my big girl... she looks so grown up

Pictures from Christmas at Poppy's

it is catlin with her new baby


and catlin with her huge carebear


stacey with her little mermaid


and stacey with her tigger

I know you are wondering where I have been...

First let me apoligize to my ladies, I am so sorry that I didn't contact anyone and let them know I wasn't going to be around tonight... things kinda went crazy really quick and randomness happened...

now on to where I have been for the last 30 or so hours... well I was talking to Mrs. L on yahoo last night and K told her to ask me to come up there... I was hesitant at first but there has been alot going on so I thought it might be good to get away... so I called him and he said it was fine... oh and they asked if MR could ride with me if I came... so Icalled L & K to tell them I was coming, called MR and told her to get ready and I was off... all of this happened in a half hour time frame and with getting the little ppl ready that is quick.... we didn't arrive til 9:30pm but that was okay cuz no one was even close to sleepy... we hung out and played "Remember When..." for a while (stop racking your brain it isn't a real game we just sat around talking about all the things that happened when we where all together) then we decided to go have some fun... me, k, h, mr, and N (one of thier friends up there) went to wally world (a half hour away), bought spray paint, and the insanity began.... now this is the country so you don't get in much, if any, trouble for the insanity that began... then we got back to the house about 2:30am... hung out, put little ppl to sleep and went to sleep ourselves...

today was equally fun, and insane... we went to this creek in the woods behind the house, and hung out for about 2hrs this morning (no little ppl)... we built a little fire and sat around mostly.... then went home for lunch... then we went back on the 4 wheeler after lunch and took the little ppl. everyone ended up in the FREEZING cold creek cept for me and the little ppl...by the time we got back home it was time for me, the little ppl, and mr to head back to the city... we arrived home around 8:30pm and then I had to go grocery shopping... I feel bad that I just up and left but it was a blast... much needed fun and insanity... yeah it was great...

we aren't having group Thurs, but I will be at your house Fri. Debra!!!!! I got all the stuff tonight... it is going to be so fun... and I told roo she could come too... yippiee...

I am so exhausted but very refreshed.... spent alot of time just sitting admiring God's handywork and realizing that He truely is way bigger than I could ever fathom.... I am glad to be back in the city now though... the counrty is nice place to visit but it is nice to be back....

I do need to talk to everyone about girl's group.... I think that the new year is going to bring on some changes but we will talk more about that later... I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One down, three to go...

Well, we had Christmas today with my dad... the first of four for us this year... I got a great comfy pair of jamies... they are black and pink and shiney and they came with a robe :) I also go this cool picture that matches my black and gold curtians, a nifty tart candle thing, gift card to wally world, and some Curve... the girls got a ton of really cute stuff.. I will post pics later... some time this week we will be doing Christmas with mom, then we will go Christmas here on Christmas morning, and later in the day we will go to the in-laws for Christmas... so much to do... AR is doing better... they have started reducing the meds that are keeping her sedated and the pressure n her brain is doing good... maybe she will be able to wake up soon...

I got to see my S and L last night.. it was so fun, but too short as always... I wish we were closer so we could get together more often, but we aren't... so yeah...

I have some news but won't be sharing it til after Christmas... mostly because it isn't really my news and one of the main parties involved doesn't want it to ruin ppls holiday, but it might be affecting us too.... so yeah...

I can't wait til Christmas... it is going to be so much fun.... the girls are really into it this year... so yeah................

Sorry...

so guys, sorry I wasn't at small group tonight... I got lost in another world (almot literally) and then on my way back I decided that something someone said may be right so I didn't come to small group... I am sure I will be around, but tonight it was more important for me not to be there... and I am really glad now that I didn't go because his mother called me to let me know that they are just going to come here on Sat instead of us going there... so now I have to clean my entire house by 2pm Sat... grrrrrrrrr... I do think it makes more since for them to come here because we have to go shopping so that means we would just be coming right back to Jackson anyways, but couldn't they have decided this last week....anyways... oh for the somewhat daily update on AR... she has a fever of 102.4 so they have her under an ice blanket... if that doesn't work they will have to pack her in ice... but they clamped the drain tube for an hour today and then the pressure started to build so they unclamped it... they will try again tomorrow... it was a good sign that it took an hour for the pressure to start building though... her mom is starting to stress alot more... today made one week... I hurt for her and her family... mostly I hurt because I feel like she is my kid too... God, help her get through this...

Top Story?????

so I am confused and need help understanding this... Why is it that the most important thing they could find to be the "Top Story" on the news at 10pm was Ole Miss getting a new head coach? is it just me or is that really the most important thing that happened today? I almost chopped my finger off, maybe that can be tomorrow's top story... I just find it somewhat silly that on the 30 min news broadcast they spent almost half of their time talking about this guy... maybe it was a slow news day... or maybe ppl in MS just have their priorities all screwed up... so yeah... I am done ranting now...

where is everyone????

man it is quiet today.... no one is around and I am bored... oh well. I guess I will just go and do something productive... see what you guys have reduced me too...

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I haven't been around lately.... not too much going on... AR was in a wreck (not like you guys didn't know that) saw her tonight... it is hard to see her like that and not be able to do something... so Christmas is almost here... lots of fun... we will be venturing out to WEST on Sun to see my dad and all them and do our Christmas there, but before that we have to go to his parents on Sat because it has been 3 wks since they last saw us.... heavan forbid.... then we will be back there for Christmas day chaos... yippee... we are doing Christmas with mom sometime next week too... Christmas wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to go here and there and all... we get paid tomorrow (I say we but mean he because I never get paid...) yeah so nothing is going on right now other than one little person being almost sick and the other on not letting her sleep... yeah... OH but I do get to go out with S & L and whoever else Sat night... it will be fun...

not so angry...

tonight was good... I did find out some things that changed my attitude, still don't have all the answers but feeling better about the whole situation... J said that the thing that starts up in Jan is going to be me, C, and J (a J that I don't think many of you are farmiliar with, but he is a great guy) anyways... A is supposedly going to start talking to us all about it soon (better be soon Jan is runing up on us) I feel better now, but am still confused about some things, not angry with the whole situation anymore... just fustrated with how it has been handled... so yeah things will work out... I just need to not jump to conclusions and wait for all the details, which I am sure that someone has... anyway... so we will be moving the piano tomorrow, if anyone can help let me or roo know... other than that... oh I had a nervous breakdown today (only a small one though) now he and mom think I need to see a Dr. yeah... maybe they are right... who knows... we will see what happens... they think that I am stessed... I don't think that I am stressed, I have little to be stressed about... something is wrong, but I doubt that it is stress... so yeah... hey roo don't forget to call JS about his truck... night all

just thinking outloud....

I really wish I knew what to do, what to say.... I feel like anything I say or do will come across as being selfish, or trying to make myself look good... I know that I am a crappy person... I know that I am not as good as the other choice, but hey, at least I am honest.... I guess there is such a thing as too much honesty though... I have too many problems to be effective... is that it... am I too messy? is there such a thing at too messy, and if so where is the line... maybe it is okay to be messy, as long as no one else knows... they are all messy, but they try to hide it... by the way I am still angry but it is slowly going away... God has a plan, I just have to trust Him... sometimes I get really sad over all this... I just hope that some day they will be able to get past whatever it is that makes them like this... I pray they will have a change of heart... I hope they will listen to what God is saying... in a few years this is all going to be just a memory that has made me stronger, but right now in the middle of it all it really sucks... I do hope that what they are doing is going to make a difference... I honestly hope they are doing the righ thing... i just hate the situation, I know what the kids have said (yes, I know the kids say alot of things), and I also know that they trust me... how does he plan on earning their trust... Preaching to them for an hour once a week isn't going to help him out... I hope he has a plan... I know that he is working closly with A so hopefully A can prepare him for wht is going to happen... I wonder how he would have dealt with his car getting keyed 5 times in just 3 months? we would have reacted like a little kid.... he would have gotten angry and quit....I wonder what he would do if someone called him at 11pm and needed to talk... would he get out of bed, drive to their house, sit in the cold, and talk to them; or would he tell them he has to sleep? If he is prepared to be there, then go ahead, but if he thinks this is a one hour a week thing, he is in for a shock.... I will be there when he joins the majority and gives up on them... I will pick up those peices too... and then it will start all over again....

sorry...

I just wanted to add an explination to why the venting post is gone, as I know that a few of you enjoyed it greatly... there are a couple of reasons, the first being that I don't think he would have read it as he probably doesn't read my blog (unless someone sent him a link, which I hope no one did)... the second, and more important reason is that it felt very childish to post the letter for all the world to see, especailly knowing that I have no real intent on giving it to him... I have typed a letter that I might give to him, it seems someone harsh however and there are still some things I am unsure of... if you would like to read it you have my email address so just let me know and I will send you a copy... I was just going to delet the whole venting entry but I think that would also delete the comments that were left and I would not want to lose those so I just deleted the text and kept the entry.... just thought I would let you know.... thanks for all your love, this is a tough situation and I really do want to find the best way to handle it, I just don't think that was the best way....

venting...

this post hasbeen removed for various reasons, sorry

a little better...

So I am feeling a little bit better today... went shopping with roo and k. which reminds me that I need to do somthing as soon as I post this... anyway I am done with christmas shopping... thank God... we had fun... so yeah... I am really boring today with not much to talk about... oooooooooooooo Target has Jones soda... that was great!!! other than that nothing eventful.... yeah so that is all...

here I am...

okay so for those of you keeping track right now I am ANGRY!!!! I could go into it all but I don't feel like it... I am just going to rant to the person/people I am angry at and let you all read it so have fun...

Why do you have to lie? you tell me to find my passion and then do it but when I try you tell me to give up... I am sorry that you have given up, but I can't.... somewhere deep inside I know she is a good kid, I have seen it... why do you have to be like this... I thought we were on to something and we were going to make a difference, but if you just give up because it seems hard then we will never make anything happen... I am not going to give up because she needs someone... I don't care what you think....If it were up to you she would have been dead already, not that I expect you to know that... she trusts me... she knows that I will be there for her... she also knows that even I have my limits, but I would never give up on her... I was called to love her and to be real with her... seems like you were called to tell her ever time she screws up and to tell her she is a bad person... that isn't love... I was fusterated with her, but now I am fusterated with you... I really hate that you can act like you have things figured out and like you are good when you are really just as judgmental as anyone... I have thought about leaving, but I can't leave... if I left who would love her and all the others like her??? sure wouldn't be you... she would slip through the cracks and you would just notice that there is less drama... that isn't what it is all about though... it is about loving each other... i don't see you doing such a great job of that right now though... you are too concerned with other things... I am sorry she is such a bother to you... but you aren't going to keep me from loving her... you can't do that... I won't let you push her away... I don't agree with what she is doing, but that doesn't mean that I don't love her... I am going to be there... I am going to help her put her life back together, with or without your support...

yeah...

so according to bob I am not crazy... that makes me feel better... lets see... what to say.... so Roo and Debra are going to try to go to an event this weekend, but I can't go because I have to go to a Christmas party with him.... yeah fun..... so for the rest of the weekend I will be bored and whiney... but tonight I am going to see roo and we are going to make crazy notes for the boys (ROO DON"T FORGET!!!!) that will be fun...

so I bought Christmas cards and have promised to have them in the mail by Mon., but I realized that I don't have anyones adress or anything... so if you want a damn Christmas card send me your address or you won't get on,k.... so I just spent 2 hours painting plates with the girls that we are going to give to grand parents... I will post some pics when they dry and all...

Oh and I got my USB cable for my camera (stiupid Kodak) thanks to roo!!!! yippie ! so now I don't have to beg my mom to bring her camera over and what not.... so yeah... nothing much going on other than that... I did make some really awesome brownies the other night at like 11pm... they were tastey.... so I guess I am done for now....

Driving...

okay so the break is over, if just for the moment, because I really think I should share this with you all... first I should apologize to roo and debra... didn't mean to get all whatever tonight... it just happened... SORRY... now on to the topic at hand... as I was driving home something weird happened and I wonder if it has ever happened to any of you... be forewarned that this might end up being very graphic (as it was it my mind at the time) or not making any sense what so ever (as many things I write here lately do) so here goes...

So I was driving home and I saw the lights of an oncoming car in the distance.... I wondered what it would feel like to drift slowly into their lane and then finally collide with them head on... I wondered if I would feel the seatbelt lock and then cut through the flesh on my neck as my whole body tried not to fly forward... then I thought I would probally hit my head on the steering wheel and be knocked unconscious. I wondered if I would feel the glass from the windshield shatter over my unconscious body and slice through my clothes and then my flesh like a hot knife cutting butter.... then I wondered if it would feel good to be in so much pain.... then I wondered if I could survive such a thing...

I am not sure what made me wonder all of that... it was quite disturbing actually... maybe there is something wrong... while we were in Target I just got numb for some reason... again I am sorry you guys... I really don't know what it was... I am still numb... I don't expect you to understand... I don't even understand...

Too much of a good thing...

I think I am going to take a break from blogger for a little bit... I will still be keeping up with everyone here but just note posting anything for a while... it may only last a couple of days, or it could last longer... I don't know....I just think that too much of a good thing can be bad... so I am just going to quit for a while... just didn't want anyone to feel unloved or left out of my life while I'm gone... It is no one's fault... I just need to spend more time in the real world... When I come back I will try to explain more... yeah... and don't go abandoning all your blogs just because I am gone for a while... I will be back I promise... maybe sooner than you think... k, bye for now...

Taco Sauce...

For your reading pleasure... things that are written on the sauce from Taco Hell...

• mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Sauce
• You had me at taco
• Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future.
• Does a Grilled Stuffed Burrito qualify you for the car pool lane?
• Pick me! Pick ME!
• Open quickly.... I'm burning up in here.
• When I grow up I want to be a waterbed.

so there you have it.... deep thought from the taco sauce.... just thought I would share that with you all since roo and I went to Taco Hell and there were funny sayings on the sauce... so yeah now i am going to go and drink my sour apple martini... yeah... yummy...

..........

so blogger was being anal and unresponsive for a little bit on my end and wouldn't let me post something... so I just typed it up in Works and now I am going to copy/paste it here....


WTF!!! Why is blogger being so crappy… it just knows that I need to blog so it isn’t letting me… It can’t be normal to almost draw blood by digging your fingernails into the plam of your hand and not even feeling it… maybe that is what I need… to bleed… bleeding used to work really well… maybe it still would… but then there would be a multitude of people that were pissed of at me… and there would be the people that would say I am crazy… I thought I didn’t care about what people thought… I guess I am wrong… I hate this… I hate it all.. I’ve never wanted so badly to do something that I knew would piss so many people off and make so many people lose all respect for me…Why am I like this… why can’t I cope with every day life? Hmmm I will have to post this once blogger stops being anal…

so there it is... yeah...

the begining of a poem

Seeing you
makes me want to change
to try to be a little better
than what I've grown happy being...

Reflecting on what could have been
if ony I had tried harder...
Wanting things to be different
but crying because they are the same....

standing on the edge of reason
trying to decide
if I should just jump off...


...maybe I will finish this later

Thankksgiving...

Happy thanksgiving to all... today wasn't totally horrible as was expected... Got to hang out ith Bob for the first time in like ever... It was cool getting to talk to him... I am proud of the person he has become... so I am going to finally list the things I am thankful for... this probally won't be a complete list as I am exhausted and will forget how to type at some point...

roo- I love you and couldn't even begin to describe how thankful I am for you... we have had a very odd friendship over the years but I like where it is now... Lets agree never to let CRAP ruin our friendship, k?

mom- mostly because she moved out of my house so now we can go back to being friends again and not mother/daughter

dad- he really is a great dad even though he has made bad decisions in the past... I am also thankful that I am close enough to see him on the holidays but not close enough to see him every day

the little people- they really are fun and I know I will miss these times when they are gone... they keep me somewhat in touch with reality and have made me a little more responsible

tim- well he is my husband, you didn't expect me to leave him off the list did you??? he can be okay, but he has changed alot... we'll see what happens...

other family- they put up with me, which is more than some people... and the in-laws aren't that bad (most of the time)

BOB & Andrew- no they aren't included in the general family they are special... I was around them so much for a long time... I feel like they are my kids too... they have taught me more than they could ever know... I love you guys!!!

Stacey- she has been one of my best friends for so long... I know that she is there for me when I need her and that she will tell me the truth, which is rare... I love you!!!

friends- If I listed you all I would be up for days... you may never know just how much you mean to me... You are the people who have kept me alive, and somewhat sane... I owe you my life...

my "kids"- you what gives my life meaning... I stive to be a better peron every day because of you... I would really do ANYTHING for you...

the internet- yes I am thankful for the internet... It is my source of life at times... it is the bridge that crosses the country so that I can be in contact with all my friends...without it I would be lost

RTPC- for the first time I have found somewhere that I really feel I belong... this is my family just as much as anyone else... I don't think I could describe where I would be without RTPC...

I am sure there are other people and things that I have neglected, and I will probally get hate mail for nameing some and not others... I am sorry... these are the people and things that are right at the front of my mind daily.... I didn't mean to leave anyone out... I love you all... there isn't enough time in my day to name everything that I am thankful for, so please understand...

wygbmb...

Well, roo and I have both neglected a topic that we promised to address a week ago so I will do the honors since I remembered now... Yes I am talking about the Wealthy, Yellow, Gelatinous, Blinging, Mouse Bug!!!!!!!!!!!! okay so it isn't as cool as you thought... I guess you just had to be there... maybe I should take a pic of it so you can see it.. but you probally still wouldn't understand how great it is...

here is another pic of it

I like this pic so I am letting you all see it...:)

this is my new hair color

so I said I would get the pics up for all to see and here they are... I really like it... maybe we will take some more pics of me with it up so you can see the underneath too (it is black).... so yeah there it is....

results....

okay here are the promised results... reading them again made me feel like crap again... so now that I am crying and really think I am crazy here ya go...

The following are areas of concern detected by the screening:

--You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be the product of many different disorders, both mental and physical.
--Your symptoms point to Major Depressive Disorder
--Your symptoms point to Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder
--You appear to suffer from Panic Disorder
--Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder

--You experience some symptoms of simple Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia
--You experience some symptoms of General anxiety Disorder
--You experience some symptoms of Panic disorder with Agoraphobia

now that you all know that I am crazy please don't just leave me comments like "Maybe you sohould see someone." because it I want to see someone I will and if I don't I won't... nothing you say will make me want to jump on the phone and find a 24 hour shrink to solve all my problems... K thanks...

oh and here is the link to the site before I get flooded with request for it.... these are the results from the "Do You Need Therapy" test I took some other ones but I don't feel like posting the results here...

Adventures in hair dying and other randomness

Well, the hair is dyed now... it is lovely and there will be pics soon... it was alot of fun, but there were times when all I could think was "what the hell am I letting them do to me?" the things you let your friends do... soon I will be posting some test results from this thing I took last night... have to go find where they are saved at first though... today has been busy with cleaning, cooking and hair stuff... I am going shopping with mom tomorrow... that is always great fun... then we get to spend thanksgiving with his family, maybe it won't be too bad... oh and I have to post my list of what I am thankful for too... will do that by Thurs for sure... anyway I am off to find those results so you can all see just how crazy I am....

I need a nap

I am so tired... I have been cleaning all day so that my house will look half way decent when my people come over... It is starting to look like a normal house now... I just need to finishe the laundry, and vacum my bedroom... you gus should feel special cuz normally I don't clean my room, but I figured we would probally be in there since we will be dying hair and all.. well, I should go start cooking soon so we will have food... but it is only 2 so I have a little while....

reply...

this is for you roo... I thought about replying in my comments section but then decided to just make it a hole entery on its own..

I am not really angry or at least not right now... I am feeling very dicouraged and apathetic... lots of things are contributing to this but I think most of all it is just me... don't worry about me though... I do know that happiness is just a state of mind, I just haven't been very enthusiastic about getting there lately... I feel like I spend so much of my time pretending to be happy that when I blog, or write anything for that matter, I have to get out all the unhappy stuff... I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is how it is... I really wish that I could act how I feel, but I really don't want to do that because it would piss someone off or people would really think I was going crazy... sometimes I think I am going crazy... Maybe I just try too hard... I don't know... I just want things to be okay... with me... with everyone... anyways... that is all...

what can I say...

I really should say something... I don't feel like talking about it though... so I will talk about something else... the holidays are upon us... and we all know what that means, making ourselves crazy so that we can spend unwanted time with people that drive us crazy... okay not all the people I will be hanging with over the next month drive me crazy and I am looking forward to seeing a few people even... but not many... when too many people get together there is going to be DRAMA!!! I really hate drama... especially stupid high school drama... I have to deal with it all the time... I just don't think that they understand how hurtful their words can be... if they would just listen to each other then maybe they would know how much it hurts... GRRRRR... anyways... things are just going... I have to clean the house cuz everyone is coming over here tomorrow night, but first I have to go get the vacum from mom... yippie. I should think about cooking supper soon... blah...

this weekend was long, but I have recovered nicely... it was fun...

lots of stuff seems to be going on right now. very confused and disconected... there are lots of things going on in my head right now... angery at people for being stupid... feeling really alone right now... and I think I figured out what the problem is with me... I just want to feel like I am special... that is what the problem is... I just need to feel special... and he should make me feel special but he doesn't... most of the time he makes me feel like crap... anyways...

RAIN!!!

It is raining... I like the rain... it makes me smile.... it is still kinda early for anything to be happening... going shopping after he gets off work... must buy a Christmas tree and a few other things... Roo and I are going to create some sort of fun tonight... It seems like it has been a really slow past few days... haven't been doing much and now it is Sat and I just have this desire to do lots... hopefully things will work out for the best... if so we will have alot of fun:) but then we typically have alot of fun... hmmmm... yeah, anyways... the little people are being needed so I will go deal with them...

Wishing things were different...

Have you ever wished that you could go back in time and change something you did, or said? that is where I am right now on alot of different issues... I know that there is no use in entertaining these thoughts because the past is the past... I guess it is just one of the many ways I like to toture myself... i can think of dozens of times that i could have reacted differently to change the situation to my advantage... but then my whole life would be different... I may not know all the things I know... i may not have the friends I have now... I think if I could go back and change something I might... but if I had to pick only one thing that would be hard...

Well, this has been deep and it makes me want to smoke and cry so I will stop for now... I am planning on posting things that I am thankful for soon... maybe not til after Tues night though so it will be new to everyone... we will see... Goodnight...

Look it is a new day...

Well, here it is, and new day... just for you mr. President...(lol) not to much of any importance going on... trying to keep the little people from killing each other, or me... anyway... I was just thinking about how different I am now... not really sure what it is that is different but I know that I am different...

I wonder when roo is going to do my hair?

sorry random thoughts today... I really need to start Christmas shopping... Just not motivated... hopeing that I will go to sleep and wake up on New Year's, just skip the whole Christmas, family thing... so amyway what do you want for Christmas... I have no idea what to get anyone... Yeah... anyways... this isn't very entertaining.... nothing good going on... sorry....

driving me insane...

So I get home tonight before 9:30 and he is asleep!!! What the crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he didn't even stay up to make sure I got home, or to kiss the kids goodnight.... now it is almost 11:30 and I think that both of the little people are finally asleep.... why is it that whenever they go to the park they don't want to sleep? oh well, not like I had anything better to do than sit here waiting for them to finally pass out.... I could have gone to see roo, but I didn't.... I should probally eat something before bed... I don't think I have eaten anything since lunch yesterday... I am starting to get really hungery...
I feel like a slug this week... I haven't really read anything or accomplished anything for that matter... I did get the bills paid today... (yippee) so yeah.... this weekend should be fun... going to try to find something cool to do... maybe I will go christmas tree shopping... I would like to get one before thanksgiving so I can put it up Friday if there is time... we'll see.....

Am I really that insignificant....

After many different events of the still early day, I find myself asking if I really am so insignificant that people would just over look telling me somewhat important info? yes there is a reason for this, or a dozen reason, but no I am not going to go into any of them right now.... I feel very unimportant and unloved right now... (I know in reality that I am loved by a handful of people but right now I am in some other world so you will just have to indulge me on this one) It is driving me absolutly insane.... I jsut want to cry....

on a different note... I think that I almost figured something out last night.... (this may not make sense to anyone that doesn't know me real well but that is okay....) So here it is, my huge self revelation: I only feel really intense emotions, and most of the time that leaves me feeling numb because the emotion isn't intense enough for me to really feel it... anyway that was just one of those things that I finally figured out and now I don't know what to do with it so it will become a usless piece of info that will sit in my blog and rot.....

Anger

I really do hate being angery... but I really think that it is called for when someone breaks a promise... So many things are going on in my head and this doesn't help matters any... I just want to cry... am I really that unworthy of love? I really don't think that I ask for much, just do what you say you are going to do, and love me and I am good... but apparently that is too hard for some people to do... there is just too much going on and whatever.... CRAP, that is what it is it is all CRAP!!!! I hate when I get like this, mostly because there is nothing I can do to make anyone love me, or at least act like they love me.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..........

and in other news I have to go to my dad's on Sunday... now this wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that we are going to be celebrating Thanksgiving... that just brings up so many bad memories between me and my dad... I really wish that I didn't have to go... maybe I will come down with the flu or some other really bad illness between now and then.... probally not though and I will go up there and all will be well and then I will come home... that is how it always happens... I get so worked up over these things for nothing most of the time... anyway... I should go now...

life and stuff

life and stuff

and here is nizza's blog.... I can't believe so many of my friends are conforming like this... It makes me laugh and smile...

The Breast of Humanity: succumb to the winds of conformation...

The Breast of Humanity: succumb to the winds of conformation...

here is debra's blog....:)

really should say somthing...

I figure that I haven't posted in a while and I should really say something so that people that only have contact with me through my blog know I am still alive... Alot has been going on... I am trying really hard to figure stuff out that is happening, but I can't come up with anything... Last night we had a confession time... It made me say things that I never wanted to say... hearing them said made me feel sick... I don't know what to do... I hope our rules that we set up work.... I really hope they work...... but it is still really hard not to think somethings.... I can control my actions but it is much harder to control my thoughts....

this may not make alot of sense... sorry I just feel very chaotic right now...

tell me this isn't me...

So I usually don't post the results of these little quizes I take out of bordom... but this one seemed to be oddly true so I thought that I would share it with you... here it is and if you want to take the quiz it is the color quiz

Your Existing Situation
Unable to exert the efforts to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels rather isolated and alone, but is too reserved to allow herself to form deep attachments. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being
Your Desired Objective
Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

emmy's lovely blog

emmy's lovely blog
Look emily has a blog now too... I must be starting a fad or something among my friends... or maybe I am just introducing them to a fad that has been around for a while....

Journey of an Unfinished Work

Journey of an Unfinished Work
here is roo's blog... it makes me smile that she started a blog...

I was just thinking about you... how we hadn't talked in a while... and how you always made me smile when we did talk... I was wondering how you are... and if you are thinking of me... I hope that you are well... and I wonder if you still love me... I wonder if you ever really did... I miss you... I wish that we could be close... I wish that I could just pick up the phone and call, or get in my car and drive to see you... I wonder if I could do anything to change the way things are... I wonder why I am drawn to you like this... I know that this is deep... and I know that if people read this they will think that I am an aweful person... but if that is what they think they don't know me.... and none of them know how YOU are... It is raining now... that makes me think of you even more... one day I know that I will wake up from this dream that I call life and I will be in your arms... until then... I will be here... thinking of you and remembering how wonderful you are... I LOVE YOU... I just wanted you to know that....

Sad...

Have you ever missed someone so much that just the thought of them made you cry uncontrollably? that is where I am now... There are few people that I am so attatched to but I miss both of those people right now... I was thinking of leaving today... everyone says that I shouldn't... that I should try to work things out... Blah blah blah.... I don't know that I want things to work out... I am tired of being tired... I am tired of all the crap... I am tired of my mom helping me more than him... I just want to leave... but I can't... not yet... I hate that I have put myself in this position... but it is no one's fault but my own... I really hate it... I feel like i am going to fall asleep but I can't because no one else is home to watch the little people... I help roo take some things to Yazoo today... it was fun but just made me want to go on a road trip... we are thinking of going in Feb... after all the holiday crap is over and we get readjusted... we are planing to go to see her bro... I think I will go stand out in the rain now... sometimes that helps....

Bi Polar and other random things

I think maybe i really am bipolar... maybe all those therapist where smarter than I thought... but I thought I could handle it... I'm not so sure anymore... all this crap just hit me tonight... Roo thinks I need to see someone... she didn't say that out right, but I know that is what she thinks... I miss my friends... I know I have friends here, now... but there are people that I wish were here that aren't... I was so happy at some point tonight and now I am crying... how did I get this way??? I just don't know that i can deal with all this right now... not with all the other crap that is going on... I just want to be okay... but I don't even know what that would consist of right now... I wish things were still easy... I wish that I had been smart enough to know what I was supposed to be doing 5 years ago instead of just messing up so much... I am never going to be able to do all the things I am dreaming of now... I don't have the aility anymore... my oppurtunity has passed me by... What am I going to do now... I want to do what I love, but no one has enough faith in me to let me do it, or at least no one here... i am just a mom, without a real job, that doesn't even have a degree.... How could I possibly know what I am talking about... You have to go to college and have a real job for that... I don't understand.... I just don't get it... Why can't they just trust me... I know that I am going to screw up, but so do they... That is part of living... but I guess I just screw up more, and worse than them... I will never be good enough for them... maybe they are right....

I don't know...

I just feel like I don't know anything anymore...I feel like crap... I don't feel like I can talk about this though... Not to anyone... where are all those people that I could tell anything? I hate this... I don't even know if I would have anything to say even if I had someone to talk to... I don't know what is wrong... I just don't feel like I can deal with any of this anymore... I love my life, outside of my house, but when I am in my house I just want to die... I know this can't be normal... I need something... I need to figure this out... What the crap is going on? I HATE THIS!!!!!

Why now...

I am depressed today... don't know why I just feel like crap... I don't want to keep doing this today... maybe something really is wrong... nothing happened to make me feel like this... It just happened... I just want to crawl under a rock somewhere and cry for a long time... I hate this... anyway.... maybe someone will be around later.... right now no one is around and I feel very alone.... I hate it when this happens... maybe I will try to call A just to talk...

church and other Sunday stuff...

Well, today is the first Sunday that we are not having a morning service and I am loving it!!! I got to sleep in til 10am (usually I am up and out of the house by 7:45 at the latest) and now I get to just chill for a while instead of going straight to "work" setting up.... I do have to be at the church at 2pm (4 hours before the service starts) but I can handle that... I am way excited about this change... Alot of things could work togather to make this a really GREAT thing... I guess we will just see how things go tonite. I wonder how having the service at night is going to change the dinamic of things? anyway, as for the other normal Sunday stuff, Lunch will be turned into dinner, and small groups will... well, I am not really sure what our small group is going to do right now.... we are just going to wait and see I guess.... well, I am going to go relax now....

Chips and soda....

Okay as promised a couple of days ago here are my thought on communion (the Lord's Supper, the Eucharist, ect.) so they used wine and unleaven bread, right? Why do you think that was? Was there something more holy about wine and bread? I think that the reason Jesus used wine and unleaven bread is because that is what the people of the day had... Jesus could have created any elements He wanted to perform this sacrament with but He chose to use something common... Now why do I think He chose to use something so common? I think that it has something to do with the fact that He said every time we drink the drink and eat the bead we are to remember Him... See back when Jesus was around it was nothing to have wine and bread with every meal.... So do you think that, maybe, just maybe Jesus knew what He was doing? Do you think that maybe He wanted people to remember Him more than the few times a year that the church decided to serve up wine (or grape juice) and bread (or crackers)? Do you think that maybe He wanted us to remember Him DAILY when we sat down to eat normal everyday foods, like chips and soda? Now I have gotten a lot of flack for this already so I am prepared... What would it mean if we changed the elements of communion? Is it sacrilegious? Is it okay? I know how I feel and I know that I chose to remember Jesus' sacrifice for me daily, not just when someone in my church decides it is a good idea...

today is almost over....

Sitting here in the quiet with no one to talk to has made me realize how much really has gone on this week... Lots of good conversation... Lots of sad times too though... Why is it that the people you want to talk to are never around when you want to talk to them... I don't know... The Melted Heart show was fun tonight.. I will post pics later... I think I got some good shots of all the girls... I also got pics of my kids playing hockey... they are so silly... well, i should go to bed now... maybe tomorrow I will get into the deep thoughts from this week some more...

Are you ready to die today...

Well, over the past few hours I have been thinking alot about what we as Christians need to be prepared to do.... When I first started thinking about this back in high school it was important to know if you would DIE for Jesus... I found this odd but then agian I found alot about Christians odd at that point... then at some point my thought process changed... maybe it wasn't all about die becaue you love Jesus, even though alot of people have.... maybe there was something more too it... I started with the word Christian... It means little Christ... so as Christians we should be like Christ.... Jesus didn't die for himself did He? Jesus died for people because he loved them.... SO instead of being willing to die for Jesus (who by the way doesn't need us to die for Him) shouldn't we be willing to die for people.... Shouldn't we love people so much that we would be willing to die if that would show them God? But now my thought process has turned yet again... Dying is easy, far easier than living most of the time.... there are alot of times that I would rather die than live.... maybe it isn't about losing our physical life, maybe it is about something more... Maybe to really show people God's love we don't have to die, but maybe we have to be willing to put our reputaion on the line.... Jesus did this.... He talked with a Samaritian woman at the well... What would people think? now this has been shown to me in real life recently... there have been people in my life that have put there reputaion aside to be there for me when I needed them... how will that look in my life.... I don't know just yet... but I do know that it won't look like me going around telling people that if someone was holding a gun to my head and told me to deny Jesus or die I would die.... I don't know that I would in all honesty.... I don't know that I will ever know for sure what I would do unless I was in that situation, but I do think I will stop caring so much about what people think and say about me , and start doing what God tells me, no matter what the personal cost may be...

my head is full...

trying to process all the things that have been said today is going to take a while... being in the gutter, what does it mean, and do I have to do it all the time... who do you minister to kids that you don't know and won't see agian.. would I have done anything if I were in the south tower in Dallas??? I doubt it... alot of crap happened to me in Dallas, and I was very self-absorbed... Even if it looked like I was serving everyone else, I was doing it for me... But even if I wasn't so wrapped up in me I probally wouldn't have done anything... I wouldn't have thought that I could have made a difference... I need to work on that... I can't make a difference but God can... there are alot of times that God used one person to make a difference.... I really should be more aware of the oppertunities that God gives me... I didn't know all the things that happened in Dallas, and I am not going to beat myself up for not doing anything, but I am going to try to be more observant of what is going on around me... I do want to make a difference... I don't know what all this is going to look like, but I know that it isn't going to look like what the rest of the world is doing... it isn't going to look like running away from sinners because I am afraid or uncomfortable... God never said that folloeing him was going to be easy or comfortable... I think that things will look different, but how....

anger....

how can he get so angry so quickly over nothing... he was fine and then I said that I could do something and didn't need him to help he go angry... It was scary... I have seen where anger can go and I don't want to be there again... he has never hit me, but there have been times I thought he was going to... I don't want to be here... now that the little people are in bed I feel alone... not that they really made me feel less alone, just safer... maybe this is all in my head... why is he so angry... and why won't he talk to me... I just want to be okay and feel like he loves me... I don't want to be scared....

Pics of my babies dressed up...

here are my babies

a poem for my teenagers....

My words are not enough
to describe Your magnificence,
and there is no way to tell them
how much You really love them...

All I can do
is try to live my life
for You,
try to love them
like I know that You do,
and show them
what You've brought me through....

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friends

Looky that is roo with me.... and yes I do have boobs!!!!!!!!

me dressed up...

me all dressed up...

This was friday night... I really like this pic....

so this is the best shot of the car...

this is JS's car after the rolling....
I wish that I had gotten some better Pics of it because it looked so funny, but this is the onlyone that looked very good... I will always smile when I see that car now....

Reliving the high school days...

Okay so last night was soooooooooooo fun... we went to a party that was pretty boring because by the time we got there everyone was tired or drunk... so then we went to someone elses house to hang out for a while and about 2am we left to take K home... we got on the subject of TP and we decided to go TP JS&JL's yard... k decided to go with us cuz no one would want to miss this... so we get there, do the job, and are leaving when a car rolls up that we don't recognize, so we think that it is just someone turning around.... until they stop in the middle of the road and turn the car off... it was JL... We had been caught... we took k home and then back to their house and hung out with JL for a while... we ended up moving all the TP to JS's car... hope he didn't get too mad... it was all in good fun and to make him smile.... WE LOVE YOU, JS....

Hmmmm...

Last night was fun... I didn't think it was going to be but no one got in trouble.... I got to dress up and I felt pretty, and sexy and nice for the first time in a long while... there were alot of people that I didn't know there.... everyone said I was beautiful.... that made me feel special.. I don't know that there is any other word in the english language that makes me feel the way the word beautiful makes me feel... I just can't think of one...
anyway... I guess I will be taking the girls trick-or-treating tonite even though I really want to go to the symphony.... it will be okay... and tomorrow is the last Sunday was are going to be haveing church in the am... we are going to try a night service and see how that goes... i think it will work out great... having to get up there at 7:45 on Sunday mornings to set up is a pain... we won't have to be there til like 3pm once we switch to night service.... I think alot less people will oversleep too... things will be good....
I am worried about the kids... they all have alot going on right now and they are all depending on K ALOT.... I love k and all but I don't think that he is going to be around forever... he was talking about moving once he got his seltelment.... that is going to hurt the kids more than he could ever imagine... I remember the whole L incident.... that was a mess... I really hope this doesn't turn out like that....
and M... she has so much going on, with her dad in Iraq, her mom just doesn't care... her brother moved back home... she is responsible for all her dad's stuff, and she has crappy lick with guys... all the guys she likes treat her like CRAP and she just can't seem to stand up for herself... the drs. changed her meds and that seems to be helping her control her emotions at least... I have heard that she isn't drinking or getting high anymore, or at least that she is really trying this time...I pray that she is going to be okay... I was just like her at that age... I don't want her to have to go through all that crap I went through....
Man, i love these kids so much... I just wish I had all the answers for them....

better today...

Thanks to all who said happy things to me... hopefully you know who you are... things are better today, aside from being exhausted cuz I went and hung out with some friends last night... I am trying to figure out alot of things right now, but it seems like I have been so absorbed in my own yuckiness that I have forgotten what I was doing to begin with... I am trying to work on my book idea but right now there is just too much in my head... what with all this POMO talk I am not even sure where I stand on it all yet...I do think that leaders are on the same journey, but should they be held to a higher standard or is there only one standard... I like to drink on occasion, but I don't get drunk, is that okay or should I refrain from all alcohol because I am in a leadership postition... At least I am honest about it... I know that I srew up, but I also know that God is going to be there when I screw up just like He would be there if I didn't... There is nothing I can do to change His greatness either.... no matter how good or bad I am, God is still God.... wow that is a powerful realization... maybe if I am not so focused on being good all the time I wouldn't mess up so much... how would it look if all the people in leadership positions just stopped trying to be perfect and admitted that they didn't know what they were doing have the time and the screw up daily... maybe then people would be able to see past all our mistakes and carppiness and really see who God is... Could it happen???

GRRRRR... (just venting)

Why is it that everyone is more important than me... It doesn't matter if I am about to go insane or jump off a bridge because he has to work or he is tired or he just doesn't feel like dealing with anything, so I have to do it because if no one deals with it then... Crap let's not even go there... and then I stay up til 2am just so I can have some time to myself without screaming little people or other crap going on... and then I feel like crap the next day because I didn't get enough sleep... I HATE THIS!!!! why is it that all my posts, or at least the majority, over the past few weeks have been me whining.... maybe I just whine to much... maybe this is all my fault and I am just taking it all to the extreme... maybe I deserve all this because I am an aweful wife, mother, friend, person in general.... Now he has to study.... that is great... I don't need a break... I don't feel like crap... I haven't had a crappy day... I can handle all this and your crap too... LIFE SUCKS right now at least....

I need a hug...

Today is really crappy... I feel very alone and isolated today... Seems like no one is around and the people that are don't want to talk... Why is it that everyone wants to not talk all on the same day??? I just want to cry.... I feel kinda sick today too... I just really want to know that I am loved today and it is not looking like that is going to happen today.... I just want to give up... on days like today it doesn't seem like anyone would really care, probally no one would notice... Why do I feel do crappy today??? where is everyone???

doing church different (or what happened this morning)

Today started out like anyother sunday with seting up the skating rink floor for church and putting together the sound system and all... church started like always.... prayer, good mornings, ect... then the band started playing (mind you we acctually have a rock band that leads worship) somewhere during the second song we lost ALL power in the skating rink so nothing was working, no sound no words on the video screen, NOTHING... the band looked a little bit stressed but the congrigation kept singing.... we sang a couple more songs (with no music and no loud voices in the mics.) then the preacher got up.... He said that he had prepared a sermon, but God showed up instead and he knew that God had somthing to say but he didn't know what it was.... So he opened the floor to anyone that felt God wanted them to talk... It was amazing... People shared praises, prayer requests, and just thoughts on what God is doing here.... IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!

Now my question is... should there be more of this in church??? this morning I saw REAL people REALLY loving a REAL God... isn't that what church is supposed to be about? the only way the "postmodern" generation is going to know the REAL God is if they see REAL followers, right?

We can't continue pretending our lives are great even when we are miserable, if we people to know God, or can we? does this make sense? Give me whatever feedback you have... mind you this service WAS NOT planed to happen this way in anyones mind other than God's. Could this type of thing happen if we planned for it????

all the things going on have made me forget about the blog...

This week has been busy... lots of talking to lots of people about lots of things.... not alot of conclusions made though.... I guess that I should try to put it all on paper, or at least on the net... but it is was too much right now.... hopefully it will all make sense in my head soon so that I can make it coherent here...gotta go take care of the little people for now....

good night

seeing how it is after midnight,and approaching one am rapidly I should go to sleep.... Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day... I got called an internet slut earlier cuz I have guy friends online... I thought it was funny considering the source and all... we tomorrow is monday... we'll see how it goes...

sounds oddly right

Which File Extension are You?

today has been...

Refreshing... It hasn't been the greatest day but I did get alot of venting done... that is the great thing about having such amazing friends... I talked about it alot... I think that was most helpful... I still feel all crappy but I know that I am going to make it... I guess the biggest thing that came out of today was alot of realization about things I learned in Dallas... I realized that I really did leave some of the things that fence me in on the fence in Dallas (sorry if you don't understand this)... I also realized that I am alot stronger than I think.... I went to Dallas alone NOT KNOWING ANYONE(!!!!) and I cam away with some great friendships... I really do think that I was ment to be in Dallas and that it was a blessing from GOD! I don't know where I am going from here but I do know that things are going to be changing alot... I can't just go back to the way things were before I left... but I have also invested too much time in this to just give up, right??? I am still confused about what to do... talking does help... I am so glad to be back home with my kids (all of them) but I miss all my new friends from Dallas... at some point I should go to sleep.... but it is still early....

more crap...

I am lonely... I am weak... I am broken.... I have been beat... I am unloved.... I am unappriciated... I am unworthy.... I am hated... I am tired... I am just clinging on ... I HATE THIS...

posting again...

I really should stop posting everytime I can't find someone to talk to... not like too many people are that interested in me, or what is going on in my life... I am kinda down today... mostly cuz there is no one to talk to... I am sitting at home not doing anything of importance, and everyone I know has a life except for me.... Okay enough of that cuz it is just making me feel worse... I have just been surfing the net cept when I was taking a bath... That was nice... just relaxing in the hot water not caring about anything... But then I got out and had to re-enter life... Don't we all just love the reality that is life... Well maybe I will go over and check out some message boards, see if anything is happening... I am sure I will end up back here at some point....

Morning again...

yes it is morning again.... and it is Saturday again too... last saturday I was in Dallas with a bunch of really cool people... now I am at home sitting on the computer wondering what everyone else from Dallas is doing... I might go take a bath in a little while... I haven't had a nice long hot bath in a while... tomorrow will be sunday.... I have been looking forward to sunday ever since I got home... I haven't really seen anyone but Roo because I have been taking time off... I will get to see all my kids tomorrow, and all the GUYS and everyone else... I am looking so forward to it...things are weird at my house right now... I guess things are always like this though.... Well, I will be around so I will probally blog some more latter.... *going to take a bath now*

Good night...

Wow... it has been a long day... I tried to sleep but it didn't work too well... I should sleep... no one is around or awake or whatever... i wish I were somewhere else... It is the weekend... no plans... I think there is a concert on tues. that I want to go to... I guess I will ask RC on sunday... Sunday will be fun... I have taken the whole week off to recover from my trip... it will be good to see people again... I really should sleep.. good night...

concerned...

This article Concerned me alot... I have been thinking over the whole idea of community and I thought that I got a pretty good idea of what it was while I was in Dallas... Reading this article makes me wonder if it was just the group of people that was there. What is community? Is it really being nice to people for a few days because you happen to be in the same place for the same reason? or is it something way bigger than that... Is it really getting to know people over and extended period of time... Loving people who are raddically different form you, not just for a week but for a lifetime...Is it a family of people that support each other, or is it just a group of people that hang out sometimes... WHAT IS COMMUNITY???

God is good....

KOKO got to go home today.... They came over and ate lunch with us before they went home... I am so glad that she is okay... If she hadn't made it I would have been devistated... She still needs our prayers though... She isn't going to be going back to school, and I know that there is going to be crap because of that... She really does seem to be happier than I think I have ever seen her...
God, thank you for protecting KOKO... Thank you for letting me be a part of her life and for all the things I have learned from her... be with her as she starts again... Let her truely see you as the God who is going to provide all her needs... Thank you God....

Another poem

Broken
Not really sure why that is
hurting,
but not knowing what has happened.
Trying to hang on to God
in the midst of all the crap life throws my way...

Clinging to life,
to people
to all the things that seem to be ture....
but nothing seems real now...
Everything seems to be a false reality
only existing in my mind...

trying to love me
so that no one else matters.
but failing
because I have never known true love...

Good morning....

It is morning again... I am still overwhelmed with emotions... I want to talk to somebody, anybody... But no one seems to be around.... It is kind cold in my house... Maybe I should turn on the heat... God, what is going on? My mind is so full and I feel like I am going crazy.... I don;t understand what is going on, in my head... Or my heart... God, just remind me that you are in control... You have a bigger plan that I can't see right now... I know that you are going to protect me and You will not give me more than I can handle... Thank you God for all the things you have given me.... You are God and I am NOT!!!

Lonely now....

Lonely
Sitting here with no one...
Wish I were anywhere but here
and you were anywhere but there
Longing to talk to anyone,
but most of all to you....

Anyway that is just how I feel right now.... today has been a roller coaster of emotions... just trying to take it a little bit at a time, moment by moment... I am not sure what I feel right now... or maybe I know all the things that I am feeling and that is the problem... I just wish I had a little time to reflect... For now I will just write and try not to cry... I don't know what is going on... but if I ever do maybe I will let you all know.... bye...

I need....

I really need to blog just to get all these emotions out... but you can never tell who is going to be reading this... I am sure if I say anything someone will take it wrong and there will be more rumors.... Don't want to go there really.... Maybe a peom though

Happiness slips into my soul
and I am overwhelmed by emotions
I just don't understand
why things have happened this way
Is it wrong,
that you make me feel this good
and that you make me smile.

Always on my mind
even when you are no where to be found
wanting you to know
just how you have touched my soul
and changed the way I feel.

Even in the middle of this mess
I am still smiling
because I know that you are there for me
and that you really do care....

You know who you are and hopefully how I feel....
no more for now... I think I am going to cry....