new years ever? what is going on this year guys? for the past few years there was no need to make plans, because it was always to the in laws house, but this year we aren't doing that, (mostly bc the inlaws live in ca now.) so what are we doing? come give me something to work with here!

I feel very disconnected right now. if I can just make it through this week I will be ok. then I can go to the dr, and find out what is wrong. but this week I just can't. I am kinda sad. and I feel icky. I have to go to work soon, so I should probably start trying to move now. this morning my alarm went off and I hit the snooze button. I must have passed out again, it seemed like an eternity before it went off again, but it was only 9 mins. I feel really lightheaded, so I ate, but now i just feel like I might throw up. everyone says I should go to the dr, NOW, but I think I can wait. just one more week. just til mon. I will be ok, really I will.

I think something is wrong, even more wrong than I could have ever imagined...... I've lost 23 pounds in just over 2 months, and I don't lose weight, especially when I am not trying. I passed out in walmart today. It was really scarry, especially since I had the little ppl with me. I don't know what is going on....

Happy Chistmas Eve!

here it is already the afternoon of christmas eve. where has the day gone. I even got up at 8 this morning. I have been reading Prozac Nation today, and I have to layed down after every chapter. maybe that is where my day has gone, to napping in between chapters of prozac nation what a way to spend christmas eve. soon I will be getting ready to go to the Christmas eve service, and then... I don't know. I think that somehow I was convinved that we should open presents tonight so we could sleep in tomorrow before going to my dad's. it is gonna be fun. I want to spend later tonight with my friends, once the girls are in bed, but I don't know if tim will be ok with that. I won't get to see them tomorrow because I will be at dad's house. but for some reason it feels important to spend time with them. they are a different kind of family. maybe I will get be with them for a while. I'm cold. and the girls need to eat.....

I need to be filling out last min. christmas cards (the ones that I do more than just sign for close friends. that I will be hand delivering tomorrow) and I need to be doing cleaning, but none of that is quiet too appealing right now. a friend asked me what my dream job is, it is no job at all. not that I don't want to work, but my dream job wouldn't even have to pay as long as I got to do it. if it did pay that would be good but not necessity. it is more of a vision than a job really. I might talk about it more later when I have it worked out more. I don't know.....

thinking out loud, for just a min.

hmmm... it has been another long week, but I have almost made it, not by anything I have done however. God is making me rely on him more. it is tough. but I know he is going to provide. it is like he has said, "ok you tried it your way, and it didn't work out so great, now let me tak over" but that is really hard. right now I am ok, but I think it is because I am so tired I can't even worry. last night was great. I got away for a while. and for the first time in a while, I felt like it was ok. not that life was ok, but that I was ok. sometimes I think me being ok isn't important, but maybe it is. the random thoughts that are running through my head are getting all jumbled right now. this is what makes ppl go crazy.

I feel like crap... there could be a couple reasons for this, but I think it is a UTI or kidney infection more likely, being that UTI's rarely faze me anymore.
so in good news the van will be fixed tomorrow. if it is done by lunch then we will go get it then, if not it will be Wed morning, because the stupid place closes at 5pm and I don't get off til 5.... ugh. but they do open at 7:30am. so by mid week I will have my lovely van back. I promise to take better care of her.(even though most of the problem is that I just drive way too much)
Christmas is on its way. I've already gotten the best thing ever. I have great friedns and I feel more loved than I have in a really long time.
I was thinking about christmas memories today. my favorite christmas growing up was my Sr. year. yea that is a bit weird since it was just a month be for that I that I got kicked out of my dad's house. but I got to experience Christmas in a completely different way that year. I went to the mountains in NM and spent christmas with some ppl that are still very dear to me. I didn't get alot of stuff, but it was great. I think this will be one of those christmases too. you know, the ones where what you learn is so much more important than what you get. I like those the best. and I have concluded that hugs are the best presents

the word wrapped in flesh, dwelling among us. that is what it is about. S talked about this tonight. about how when god has an important message for us he wrapps it in flesh and sends it to us. in the old testemant it was the angel of the Lord, and then god wrapped up is grace and his truth up in flesh, called it Jesus, and sent it to live among us. how amazing is that. and now god wrapps his grace and truth, and everything else that he is, up in us so that we can be that for ppl. I knew just what was being siad tonight. it has been happening to be alot lately. ppl being jesus in the flesh to me, and to my family. I love it. I still don't know that I can be that for anyone else, but maybe that is when it happens, when we don't even know it is happening. hmmmm.... I love having Jesus moments, no matter how small they are. like tonight, it was as small as k just putting her arm around me.
I'm trying to work out lots of things. anger, denial, worry, fear.... it all seems to come at once. and there are some things that I am convinced will never make since. I don't know...

A christmas story....

so with the van broke, and all the other random crap going on, we had decided that christmas wasn't going to be about presents this year (it isn't about presents anyway,but wth little kids it is hard.) so I had asked some friends to pray about the $$ situation, and one of them convinved me to make an amazon wishlist for the girls. so I did. and in less the 24 hours the list had been purchased, and now the presents have started arriving. there are a couple of things that are really special about this to me. the first being that it makes me feel really loved. I don't feel worthy to have friends this great. I don't deserve any of this, but that is kinda like God. We didn't deserve the wonderfully precious gift of his Son dying for our sins, but we get it, all be have to do is accept it. the other thing that was so great about this was that someone had amazon wrap the presents before they were shipped, and the gift tag on those presents says "Enjoy my birthday, Love Jesus" I read it to stacey the other day and now she is so excited that Jesus sent her a present. I am so greatful that there are ppl that are willing to be Jesus to my family. I didn't even think I wanted anything for Christmas, but I realize that I have gotten the only thing that I could want, I am happy and I feel loved.

sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it, only to find out that it is worth so much more....

I have great friends. all the ppl in my life are so amazing. thank you all for what you do, for what you have done, and for what I am sure you will do in the future. It all means the world to me. but thank you most of all for loving me, even when I am in the middle of not loving myself.

so there is alot going on, but most of it is internal and doesn't make much sense to me right now. I have amazing friends, great kids, a wonderful husband.... but I feel alone, and hurt. I don't know why. I am sure it is somthng I have created. I have alot to do today, but instead I am here. trying to figure out what is going on, and why. the house is a wreck, but I think it is just an outward reflection of my heart right now. it has been a long and rough week. I have seen the love of God in ppl like never before, but at the same time I feel so far from that place. I feel like I am so worthless. I know this isn't true, but that is how I feel. I just need to find a way to tranlate the knowledge from my head to my heart. I hear all the words ppl say, and they all sound so good, but it doesn't help.

so I need to blog about not blogging, or at the very least the whole online journal scene. I think I will post this on all my journals. let me explain what has happened. I have 3 online journals. this one, one at live journal, and one at xanga. they are all very different. this one is to keep me connected to my virtual world. all the ppl I know online, and a couple of ppl that cross over. it is random updates on life and stuff, sometimes deep, sometimes now. xanga (where I have been spending most of my time) is mostly kept for my community of physical ppl. the ones I see. I say things there that I don't say in real life for one reason or another. it is about me, but different than blogger. and live journal is a very small part of my online journaling life. I keep up with a select few ppl there that I love very much. I seldomly update there, but when I do I know that it will be read. it is all about audiance. not that I am a different person on each journal, but I share different parts of my life at different places. so there.

happiness.....

wow! I am really overwhelmed right now. this has been a big week. I feel so loved right now, and it rocks. I was so afraid that this was going to turn out bad, real bad. but instead it turned out better than I could have ever hoped for. how amazing is this? how great is it to feel so loved? I just want to hold onto this feeling forever. life isn't ok, but knowing how much I am loved makes it seem a little bit better. man this is so cool.

tomorrow is sunday. I have come to really like sunday alot. first of all I get to sleep in. that is always a good thing. then, I don't have to do anything when I wake up. sure the little ppl need tending to, but the are growing up, and they want to be independent, so I let them, for the most part. then on sunday nights I get to be with a ton of really great ppl that I love and worship God. what could be better? its not about going to church. going to church is something I have done most of my life. this is different. we don't go to church, we attempt to be church. not just on sunday night (we don't meet on sunday mornings at all) but all the time. we don't always succeed, but that is ok. it is all part of it. I love the fact that there are ppl that are ok with the fact that I screw up, because i do, ALOT. church is taking on a new meaning for me. church is ppl not places. church isn't somewhere you go, or even something you do, it is something we are.

I am thinking about doing something to my hair this weekend. I guess you will just have to wait and see (and if I update as frequntly as I have been you might have to wait a while) In other news, I am starting to like new ppl alot. yeah it is weird, and so are they.
went to artmix last night. it was cool. there were ice sculptures. it rocked. if it doesn't rain tomorrow I might take the little ppl to the park. got to clean up the house too. ugh, I hate cleaning. but it has to be done. no insightful stuff today. maybe later my brain will feel more like working

the Jesus experience

ok so ppl want to know the Jesus experience. there wasn't just one, there were several. but there was one that I will remember for along time (ok so how do you really forget a Jesus experience?) so I got to meet alot of ppl over the week. I was mad. I was mad at myself, other ppl, and mostly God. I was sitting on the terrace trying to figure out how to not be so mad because there were things I needed to do, I had to be around ppl, and my anger doesn't always do well around other ppl. someone came out to the terrace. someone I had met earlier in the week. we had gotten to know each other pretty well. he came over to me and asked what was going on. I told him I was angry, I was angry that God allowed ppl to react the way they did (and do) and that He had allowed me to react the way I did. I thought that healing meant being free from this. he smiled. he said it was ok to be mad. he said that in time I would understand why it happened like this. he was right. but most of all, he didn't try to offer answers. he just sat with me until I was ready to face life again. over the week there were alot of moments like this. they were some of my favorite times. times when ppl realized that cliche answers weren't going to work. times when ppl realized that showing love was more important that telling about love. times when ppl really became Jesus.

so there it is... hope you like it. it may not be what you expected, but it was my jesus experience

finished reading Stumbling Toward Faith today. I liked it. I can relate to it alot. it is a really neat book. I like the way it is written. I like the fact that renee can verbalize her story so well. I enjoyed it alot and it has really made me think. thinking is good. I like to think. done alot of thinking lately.

I feel alone and discouraged. there isn't really any reason, I just do. Processing Nashville has proven to be way more emotionally trying than I expected. the highs of it were really high, and the lows were REALLY low. it is still all so new, I can relive it in my mind a million times, but I just don't have the emotions left. I am glad I wrote alot. the emotions still come across well on the paper. I love all of you that I got to meet. I am greatful for what you all mean to me. I was really selfish in nashville also. I don't like being selfish, but I was, alot. Sorry.
It was a good week, different than I exected, but good. thanks for all fun, hugs, and laughs. they were much needed. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with some ppl, but I guess that is how it was supposed to be. another time, another place. yeah. maybe it is just the holidays doing this to me. this really has little to do with anything
sorry if this post isn't very clear. I don't feel very clear right now

post nashville....

things need to change. things have to change. things will change. it hurts that I feel like this. it hurts that I hurt like this. it will change. I can't do this anymore. a really significant event occured while I was in nashville. someone was Jesus to me. When he did what he did it wasn't him, it was Jesus. and only looking back do I realize this. no one else saw it, it didn't change anyone elses life. only mine. and now I have to deal with that change. it is like I have re-entered a world I never knew was here. it is weird and makes no since right now. but it will...

nashville.

I am home.... there is alot to process... I don't really know where to start... it was an emotional week. It hurt alot, but it was good. had several of those moments, you know the ones, the whole world fades into the background and everything seems perfect for a few seconds. yeah, had a couple of those. got to hang with some great ppl. got to meet some ppl that have meant the world to me over this past year (thank you guys) there is so much that went on and I am not sure really were to begin, so I will leave it at that for now.
also I got to see Debra! that was great I miss her alot.

here I am sitting at registration waiting to start the day. right now all is quiet, but this is the calm before the storm. it is going to be insane and hectic today, but we have a great group that will take care of everyone. we get the privalige of being the first face of the convention. and my favorite part is we get to yell at the first timers....

life just got insane. since I am working we have some friends watching the girls during the day. thus far it has been a good deal and worked out well. until today.... Fri night the grandmother of the babysitter had a heart attack (she lives with the babysitter) and we decided that things would be okay and the girls could still be watched there. today however grandma's kidney's started to fail. so now the babysitter is going to be at the hospital with her during the day. hence there is no babysitter until further notice. this wouldn't be much of a problem if it had been this weekend as my sis is coming to stay at our house while I am in nash. but as it is we are without a sitter Thurs, fri, and mon. ugh. Hubby is trying to find out if he can take a couple of vacation days, so he can stay home and still get paid. but we won't know til tomorrow. I am taking an entire week off so I would feel like crap if I had to take more time off. this is one of those situations that is completely out of our control and I hate it. I am sure there is a good lesson somewhere in this, but I don't know where right now.

Nashville is coming upon me very quickly. this time next week I will be busy packing and buying all the last min things for the trip, drinks for the road, and snacks. as I will have to work the 14th and will be leaving early in the am the 15th. I have to be there the 16th to start working on Registration stuff, but the 15th I will get into Nash at a decent hour and hang out with the debra. I can't wait to see her. there will be much fun had. I am finding it harder to get excited this year. there is so much to do that I just don't have the time to be excited. it will come, I am sure. but there are other things going on in life also. some that are not so blog worthy. others that I will blog about at some point.
Last night was fun. I got bored of being home cleaning so I called some ppl (brian and candi to be exact) and they were going to Hal & Mals so I decided to go along. Living better Electricly played. they were good. it was fun. glad I got to see Brian & candi again, it has been to long. we need to make it a habit to hang out with them more often.
I am working on a secret project. it might turn out well, took some time to talk to someone that I really want to be involved in it yesterday. I think they are on board. not much will happen with it until after christmas though. there just isn't the time.

I did add something new to the poetry blog, so if you like that sort of thing you should check it out. um.... yeah that is about all....

Disconnected.........

I don't feel very connected to anything... I don't know why. I have felt like crying for the last few days, but I still haven't. I did get really fusterated today and slammed my head into the desk at work. it almost felt good. that is scary... on the way home tonight my 4yr old was singing "free falling" it is creepy that she knew the words. I don't feel like doing anything. maybe I just won't...... goodnight

it's been a while. ONLY 2 WEEKS TIL I AM IN NASHVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that rocks so hard. work is... going.... lots of stuff it a pain in the butt right now, but I get to get way and go to Nashville for a little bit!!!! it will be a nice vacation.

drowning in emotions
exhausted and overwhelmed...
not sure where I want to be
but I doubt it's anywhere
pain and doubt crowd my mind
I just feel like falling down,
and staying there for a while....

yeah that is where I am right now. I think I will go learn something right now. yep...

so we were supposed to do my hair last night. it didn't get done, but it will be done Saturday. tonight we are having a party at my house. yay! it is gonna rock. it is gonna be a busy weekend. but it is gonna be fun. just over 2 weeks til I get to go to nashville, see the Deb, and hang out with some really cool peeps. that is gonna rock too. lots going on, and I should be working but I don't feel like it...

and now for an update....

first off... DEBRA I have not forgotten about you I am just really busy but I will be emailing you soon and I will be seeing you in less than 3 weeks

so now for an update on life.... it is busy.... we are having a halloween party at my house. it is going to be fun... it is cold. I like cold. life is going. things are changing. yeah that is about all for now I need to sleep.

so an update on the random ear pain, it is still there, but not quite as bad. And the mysterious fever that came along with it seems to have gone away as of yesterday. I am feeling alot better, and I am sleeping better thanks to the muscle relaxers.

yesterday I had a fun adventure. when I left work I noticed that my back tire was a little flat so I put some air in it and went on my way to get the little ppl. I never made it however (Idid finally make it to the little ppl but my van did not) the tire decided it needed to die. it sucked. so I got someone to come get me so I could get my spare (it was at my house, not in my van, because that is the logical place for a spare to be) then we took the spare and put it on the van, only to realize the spare was flat as well, and it wouldn't even pretend to hold any air. so today will be spent getting a new tire and putting it on. then hopefully we will have time to go to the halloween carnival at the Rez. the girls will have fun doing that.


oh an debra I haven't forgotten about you, I will try to email you this weekend with the plans for when I am up there.... love ya lots

been a while

yep I have been slacking on my blog. partly because I have been working but mostly because I have been sick. I am still sick but go to the ENT in the morning. I go to nashville in less than a month. I can't wait to see my deb and meet up with some of the YS peeps. it is gonna rock. hopefully my sickness with be over by then. I will keep ya updated.

Well, we went to the state fair tonight. it was fun. it is always fun when you go somewhere that you know is going to be way to crowded. what is it that compells ppl to go somewhere when they know tons of other ppl are going to be there. I did run into an old friend though (I was truely suprised that I only saw one person I knew the whole time) Anyways this old friend was someone that I used to write poetry with when I was going to Holmes. it was good to see him again. It made me want to write again. I don't think this counts.

some things I should have blogged about....

so with the business of the past week I have been meaning to blog about some things but haven't gotten around to it. here are just a few of them:

- something was said last week that I really agree with The primary goal of the gospel is to reunite people with their Maker by way of the cross, but much of what the church does today only makes that seperation lager. I don't know where the quote origianlly came from but I like it and I have alot of thoughts on it that I hope to get around to posting later.
- also now that I just started working, there probably won't be a baby as soon as I would like one, but right now I am just going to leave all that up to God. After all He is the one in control anyway.
- the new church we are going to is growing on me alot. I took a huge step (for me at least) and went out to lunch with some ppl on Mon (some of the leadership) it was nice to see them as ppl and not just positions. they are some fun ppl too.
- I got the new DC*B cd at some point before the release date. it rocks and if I can swing it I am going to see them in concert on 10-27 (I think that is the date) and then I will be seeing them at NYWC as they are leading worship part of the time.
-Speaking of NYWC the boss said it was cool that I take the time off, being that it was a preivious engagment so I am all set.
-mom has moved to TX and she is liking it, I think. life will be very different without her around

and that is pretty much all, nothing too deep and profound right now. too much going on. once I get used to working things will get better. now I have to go finish house cleaning.

work was good this week. I think I am going to like it. and it is cool working with roo. she rocks. Stacey is sick (ugh) so she is just laying around on the couch. it doesn't really seem like she is getting much better. I guess if she isn't better by Mon I will call and make an appt. for her to see the dr. yay fun. she never gets sick so this sucks.

today.... man....

it was a great day, but I feel like it has been alot longer than just one day. God has been amazing! so fist I went to lunch with the Journey staff. this was a big step. it has alot to do with what happened with the last church, and the fact the I have a huge fear of it happening all over again. but today I got to see the ppl not the positions. it was cool.

then I came home (after making several stops.) got the mail and opened it before getting out of the car. The health insurance cards came, which I knew would mean they $$ would start coming out of hubby's check, which means I need to get a job NOW!!!
So I go inside, and start returning phone calls that had happened while I was out. Called roo to find out that I have a job, starting tomorrow!!!!!!!! how cool is that of God!!!!!!!!! I knew that the thing with roo would happen but I wasn't sure when, and god made it happen in his time. so I will be starting work and it will more than make up for what is taken out for insurance. and I have a great babysitter too!

here is my big girl on her birthday!!!! 

I thought I posted this already....

a couple days ago I ran into a blog that I like.... it had a quote on it that I liked. I took the quote with every intention of making a post on it, but just realized I still haven't so now I am...

the quote....
I believe that our understanding of God is deficient without the contribution of those who have a dependency on Christ that most of us only read about. Yet we write the books on ecclesiology (church), which is ironic since our culture provides us with a context that leaves community as an option, whereas community for them is often a means of survival.
shouldn’t they be invited into dialogues about church since they live what most of us attend? They really know what it means to "share all things in common" (Acts 2), we "sacrifice what we don't need, keep what we want" and then write about community while living in neighborly isolation.


I want what "they" have. I want that community so much. About a year ago I fist saw what really community means, and first realized I didn't have it. Last year I was somewhere with a bunch of ppl I didn't know. something happened and some of those ppl helped me out. they didn't care how it looked to the outside, they didn't care about what ppl where saying... They cared that I was hurting and that they could help. I came home from somewhere and tried to find that here. I couldn't, mostly because we live in neighborly isolation. we talked about community, but we weren't one. we still kept our distance outside of "church", but I don't know why.
With recent life events, conversations about where life is going, and just general 'stuff' I wonder if community really is an option for Christians. We weren't created to be solitary beings. if my life keeps going the way it is community won't be an option for me. I just hope I don't have to move to another country to find it.
I want to be part of a ppl that "share all things in common". I need that. I know God wouldn't put this desire in me if He didn't have a reason. I know that GREAT things are going to be happening soon... I just don't know what all this means right now.


oh... in life news...
my mom is moving to TX tomorrow.
my little girl turned 3.
and the secret is.... we are planning on having another baby, we thought we were pregnant, but it turned out that we weren't, but we will be soon, hopefully. :)

this cute thing is now 3 years old!!!!!!!!!!! 

yep as of yesterday my baby turned 3!!!!!!!!!! time flies...


2months 


1year 


2 years 

there will be 3 year pics soon, I just have to get them onto the computer from the camera. she got tons of stuff and is a happy camper right now!

(oh and just so you know I have been without a computer for 3 days because of a stupid power supply, but thanks to my daddy it is fixed and cost me nothing :) )

update on catlin

well, she is recovering fine. her gums are pretty beat up behind her 4 front teeth on the bottom, but only one tooth is loose. she is having some trouble eating however. looks like she will be on a mashed potatoe diet for a little while. the problem is that whenever she bites into anything it hurts and she cries out "mommy, my teeths hurts!" so that is no fun at all. it looks like she will loose the tooth that is loose fairly soon (long before baby teeth would normally start coming out) probably within the next month it will be out, yay. I can hear the screaming already.

in other news. we got a cake pan today for her birthday cake. it is a 3-D duck. there will be pictures as soon as it is made and decorated. all of which I am doing. yay.

tomorrow is Sunday. it will be a busy day. I am already planning a nap. we have partnership classes (like membership classes at most churches) in the morning, then church tomorrow night. there should be plenty of time for napping as hubby doesn't have to work. YAY!

MY CAR IS FIXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that is almost all I have accomplished today. I did get to the store to pick this nifty little think up for my littlest one's 3rd birthday! it rocks and she will love it. (almost as much as the toys grandma and grandpa sent her that I have yet to wrap) other than that the day has been uneventful. wait no! I take that back there was almost a catastrophe (maybe I am exagerating a bit but it sure seemed that way at the time) Catlin (the one that is almost 3) fell face first onto the ground and busted her mouth. we think what happened was it moved one of her front teeth on the bottom (as it is way more crooked now) and caused her gums to bleed really bad. most of the bleeding has now stopped, but I don't dare touch the tooth yet to see how loose it really is and if it can be pulled or just needs to stay, because she has fallen asleep and earlier when I touched the tooth she screamed like she was dieing. while I was typing that last sentence she woke up and was in alot of pain. we gave her some tynenol and put some orajel on her mouth. she didn't like it at all but she seems tonot be hurting now. hopefully things will settle down by in the morning as I have things to do that don't involve sitting with a screaming almost 3 yr old on my lap all day long. only time will tell

thoughts....

I've been thinking about alot of stuff lately.

Community- yep thinking about that again. about how I am afraid to get hurt but I feel like I am in a safe place now. When I first went to Journey about a year ago I thought it was comfotable, and so, even if I was in a place to chage churches (I wasn't just ask GOD) I couldn't go there. but now it feels safe. it feels like a place where I can heal. it feels like a place where I can be loved.

vulnerability- this is why we aren't going to the same small group. if I went to the same small group as him then I would not be as vulnerable, or open. I would let him talk while I just sat there nodding in agreement. I don't like to trust ppl unless I know them, or unless I have to trust them. there are some exceptions to this rule, but after the recent 'church' incidents not many of those exceptions are found within churches.

life- my life isn't bad, but it isn't where I thought it would be. I can remember being in highschool and thinking that life would be perfect by now. Little did I know that what I thought was perfect then would never become reality. I do like my life and where I am right now. it has taken alot to get to this place, but I don't think I would trade any of it for the whole world.

I know that I am a weak and messy person, and I know that soon I won't be able to hide that from them. But I feel like it will be met with comfort and love, not condemnation and hate. I just pray that I am not wrong, again.....

it has been a stressful couple of days, so I made a quiz. yeah I suck.
my car isn't very happy. the alternator is dying a slow death. it is gonna be like $300 to fix it, and that is with knowing someone. ugh. but I can drive it during the day if I have to. like tomorrow when I must go get an iron, because ours is dead. yes we killed our iron.
I still have hurricane thoughts tucked away somewhere, and I still have a secret that has yet to be revealed. the secret was put on hold by the hurricane. I didn't forget to tell you. just nothing has really been confirmed yet, and it could be a little bit still. don't worry I won't forget to tell you...

new poetry

As promised

so I told you I would post my thoughts. they seem to be abundent so I will just start at the begining. I didn't right down how I felt at first so I will just type it here.

Sunday night- we decided to go stay with some friends leave monday and come home tuesday if there was anything to come home to. so I started to pack things we would need then I realized that if I were to come home to nothing I would need to take what was important with me. so I packed up all my poetry, some books that are hard to find, and my pictures. then I went to bed.

monday morning- finished packing clothes, some more stuff I couldn't live without, mostly stuff my grandma gave me, stuff time wanted, and a few toys for the girls. then left out not knowing what I would come back to in 24 hours but fearing it would be nothing at all.
it was raining and so windy on the drive over. I had my dog in the front seat and the kids in the back. and everything I hold precious to me in life behind them. it was a long 14 miles.
finally go there, got unloaded and there was no power. all I could think was that it was going to be a long day. thankfully the hurricane cooled things off a bit so it wasn't balzing hot.

that was pretty much it til that night....

(here is where the paper journal picks up.)

The power has been out for 10 hours and counting. Katrina messed up life. Things you take for granted like ice and water are now reason for fights. Power, you think it is bad that you have to wait a few days til your AC is fixed? It would be weeks til we have electricity. We do have phone lines still but cell phones aren't working. Food. did you eat a nice dinner cooked on your electric stove? WE did get hot food today. we finally got the grill started (in wind gusts up to 90 mph) and had burgers, instant potatoes, and texas toast. So I guess I can't complain. we played some cards and made shadow puppets to pass the time. We should be able to get out and drive around tomorrow, but they aren't promising power for at least a week. we won't know about our house til tomorrow, when we can drive over there. I am praying it will still be there and in one piece. I am so thankful for all the ppl that are praying for us. I know God hears you. at one point the eye was heading straight for us, only about 60 miles from us. but it didn't make it here. it turned and went East, completely bypassing us. I totally know it was because god heard our pleas. Now we need to pray for the ppl on the coast. they will be cleaning up there lives for a while. Sitting here in the candle light listening to the radio it all seems so surreal. Did this rally happen today? Was it all a dream?how long is life going to be this way? I just heard that in rural areas it could be 3 wks til they get power. the whole city is black, most of the state. Over 50 deaths in one county alone. the roads are disasters, trees and power lines all over the place.
But God has been gracious to us today. We haven't been hurt, we have been with friends, and we have had a good day. hopefully life will be back to normal in a day or so, but I don't know if life will ever be back to normal again. 700,000 ppl are without power. that is alot of ppl. some ppl aren't going to be able to stay in their homes without power. and tomorrow the sun is going to come out, and it will be hot. Almost the entire state has been wrecked, and we are under a cerfew til 8am. nothing will be known til then.

there is more, but I can't type it right now. it will be coming soon.

overwhelmed

still no time to post hurricane thoughts, but they are written down and will be coming at some point in the future. at this point more ppl in the Jackson metro area don't have power than do. went down to the red cross and signed up to volunteer today. they need lots of help. more shelters still opening up. they are saying ppl could be in shelters for months. it is going to be a long time before things are normal.
DONATE time, moeny, blood... whatever you can do, do it.

the past few days....

well, the hurricane-ness is over now, and I have lots to say, unfortunatly it is late at night and I am exhausted. so soon I will let you all in on the wonderful thoughts that flooded my mind as katrina wreaked her havoc on my wonderful state. for now you will have to be satisfied with knowing I am alive and I have power. goodnight

LOL

Tonight was fun and refreshing. we went to the welcome week concert at MC. this is the second year in a row that I really wanted to go, wasn't going to, and then at the last minute ended up finding a way to go. all that aside it was fun. It was Hawk Nelson and Matthew West. it was me, roo, and koko. it was full of silliness and funny sayings. I love your converse and Earl the girl to name a couple. over all it was a much needed break from the norm. it made me giggle alot too.

oh and by the way I am still not telling the secret so you still have time to guess what it is. and remember that the winner (if there is one) will get something cool from me. so if you read the guess already. I have only had a couple ppl guess. it doesn't even have to be a good guess just anything.

on that note.

Peace out girl scout. And don't forget to eat your carrots!

so ppl don't like the fact that my last post was really vauge, but let me explain. this news I have may be no news at all. It could just be me dreaming up things in my head and it might not ever happen, so I am going to wait to talk about it until I know for sure what is going on (this should be a couple weeks at the most)

But I have come up with a fun way to pass the time until the secret is revealed. you can all guess what it is!!! the first person with the right guess will get a cool suprise once I reveal the secret. how is that for fun. okay, so start guessing now (and by the way I am not going to tell you if you are right or not until I reveal the secret so don't ask.) You can guess that there is no secret at all, and maybe you will be right, but you will have to wait a little bit to find out.
have fun!!!

I thought I might post something today, but I have since changed my mind. all that I can say now is that there might be some big news in a few weeks, or I might just be crazy. yeah, that is all I can say right now.

Church?

So today at some point I came to the conclusion that it isn't church that I don't like, it is the ppl. then I quickly realized the problem with that, church isn't a place it IS the ppl. UGH!!!! now I am back right where I started again. I know that whenever ppl are involved things are going to get messed up. but the thing I don't like it the lying, sneaky, underhanded, backstabbing ppl. I hate all the polotics, and how ppl think that leadership=power. The more I think about the more it hurts and the more I don't want to get into it all again. But also I know that I can't not get involved in church somewhere. I just don't know what to do or how to go about doing it.

Hurt....

I guess I just didn't realize how hurt I was by it all until tonight. all the things that have gone on in the past 5 or so months. They took away the one thing I loved most. It is getting better now. At first I couldn't even go into a church without being angry; mostly I was angry at church in general, and God for allowing it to happen the way it did. That was where I found a huge part of myself. We sacrificed so much to be here, and just because we didn't fit thier mold we weren't listened to or takend seriously. that wasn't just our church that was a huge part of our lives. it hurts alot, even more-so now that we are getting into another church. it is tough. I am afraid of it all happening again. I still need time. I can't just pour my entire life into this so quickly. I think this is a good place for the healing to start though. and there are other things that I am working on, things that are going to allow me to get away from everything to think it all over. something where I can just sit at the feet of God for a little while and let Him pour out His love on me. that is what I need right now. it is all going to be a long hard process, but I am sure that eventually it will hurt less.

GONE....

My great-grandmother died. she was 103. anyway that means my weekend will be busy with the funeral. I will be out of town from Friday til Saturday, but I may not be around again until sometime Sunday or maybe even monday. as Sunday will be another significant day in my life. (if you wanna know why ask, I just might tell you) I need to do alot of laundry tomorrow. ugh. I want to talk to someone. but not just any someone. a certain someone. someone that I miss. oh well. I doubt I will for a while. I miss alot of ppl right now. well, I think I am gone.

the weekend was good. it was mellow, but I needed it. roo and I went out to eat Sat night and then hung out at m and t's house. I saw my dad. and today was a nice Sabbath day. there were a couple of bizzare moments, but it was FUN. tomorrow I will be swimming at the Rez with some teenage girls and my little ppl. it should be fun. one more week til the 5 yr. mark.

breathing is good.

I feel good right now, I am really content. life is starting to look up. soon there will be new poetry here. so that means you should go catch up if you missed anything. Something good is in the works.

25 Years....

Yep I have been alive for 25 years now. i can remember when I didn't want to live past 16 or 18, man the things I would have missed out on. Today not much will be happening. just hanging out at the house for a while. Dad will be coming to see me sometime. Roo and I might do something tonight, but we will have to take the little ppl with us. not too eventful of a birthday. but thanks to some GREAT friends, I had a ton of birthday wishes in my inbox this morning, it made my day. now, I am off to make the house look decent.

ok so I missed a day an now it is my birthday. I will blog again later about the fact that it is my birthday but for now more interesting facts about 1980:

here are some random costs of things and such:
Federal debt: $909.1 billion
Median Household Income
(current dollars): $17,710
Unemployment: 7.1%
Cost of a gallon of regular gas: $1.25
Cost of a gallon of Milk: $2.16
Cost of a first-class stamp: $0.15

America's Top 10 TV Favorites:
1)Dallas
2)60 Minutes
3)The Dukes of Hazzard
4)Private Benjamin
5)M*A*S*H
6)The Love Boat
7)The NBC Tuesday Night Movie
8)House Calls
9)The Jeffersons
10)Little House on the Prairie
11)The Two of Us
12)Alice
13)Real People
14)Three's Company
15)The NBC Movie of the Week
16)One Day at a Time
17)Too Close for Comfort
18)Magnum P.I.
19)Diff'rent Strokes
20)NFL Monday Night Football

THE EMMY'S of 1980
Drama:
Best Drama -Hill Street Blues (NBC)
Best Actor -Daniel J. Travanti, Hill Street Blues
Best Actress -Barbara Babcock, Hill Street Blues: “Fecund Hand Rose”
Supporting Actor -Michael Conrad, Hill Street Blues
Supporting Actress -Nancy Marchand, Lou Grant

COMEDY:
Best Comedy -Taxi (ABC)
Best Actor -Judd Hirsch, Taxi
Best Actress -Isabel Sanford, The Jeffersons
Supporting Actor -Danny DeVito, Taxi
Supporting Actress -Eileen Brennan, Private Benjamin
Best Variety-Lily: Sold Out (CBS)

Other Randon facts about 1980:
Rubik's Cube Popular

'ghetto-blaster' is included in the English dictionary for the first time

Dutch company Philips launch 'Compact Disc'



So this will end out history lesson for the year. I hope that you all feel like you have learned something from this, and I hope that I didn't make anyone feel too old.

So what will I do for my birthday? I don't know. I will sleep in a little while, but after that I am unsure. My father is coming to see me at some point (that should be lots of fun.) and I really need to do some laundry, give the dog a bath, and clean house a bit. Hubby has to work so I won't be doing alot that involes going without kids, and I really have alot to do around the house, so I will probably do all that once I wake up, and then I will do fun stuff like shopping on Sunday. that really does sound like a good plan doesn't it.

today's history lesson.

okay today we are going to remember all those GREAT movies from 1980. unlike the music portion I have heard of most of these movies and even seen some of them...

Top movie money makers in 1980:
The Empire Strikes Back $290,268,568
Superman II $108,185,706
9 To 5 $103,290,500
Stir Crazy $101,300,000
Airplane! $83,400,000

other new movies in 1980:
Breaker Morant
Caddyshack
Coal Miner's Daughter
Flash Gordon
Friday the 13th
Gloria
Herbie Goes Bananas
Mad Max
Ordinary People
Private Benjamin
Raging Bull
Stardust Memories
The Blue Lagoon
The Shining
Urban Cowboy


Best Actress: Sissy Spacek: Coal Miner's Daughter
Best Director: Robert Redford: Ordinary People
Best Picture: Ronald L. Schwary: Ordinary People
Best Actor: Robert De Niro: Raging Bull
Best Supporting Actor: Timothy Hutton: Ordinary People
Best Supporting Actress: Mary Steenburgen: Melvin and Howard


so there you have it... stay tuned for another exciting edition of 1980 (I promise it will be over soon)

Time for another installment of 1980

so for today's very informative blog on the year I was born I think we will talk about popular music during 1980 (sorry to all those that are older than me that this is making feel really old, it will only last a week, I promise)

the Billboard top 10 for 1980:
1.Call Me-Blondie
2. Fame- Irene Cara
3. Working My Way Back To You- Spinners
4. Funkytown- Lips Inc.
5. Little Jeannie- Elton John
6. Upside Down- Diana Ross
7. He's So Shy- Pointer Sisters
8. Please Don't Go- KC&The Sunshine Band
9. Do That To Me One More Time- Catain & Tennille
10. Take Your Time (Do It Right) Part 1- The S.O.S Band

Top Albums of 1980
Against the Wind- Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
Damn the Torpedoes- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Eat to the Beat- Blondie
Glass House- Billy Joel
In the Heat of the Night- Pat Benatar
Off the Wall- Michael Jackson
The Wall- Pink Floyd

Grammy's
Album of the year: Christopher Cross, Christopher Cross
Best New Artist: Christopher Cross
Best Pop Duo or Group: "Guilty" Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
Bset Pop Female vocal: "The Rose" Bette Midler
Best Pop Male Vocal: "This Is It" Kenny Loggins
Best Rock Duo or Group: Against the Wind, Bob Seger and the Silver Bulet Band
Best Rock Female Vocal: Crimes of Passion, Pat Benatar
Best Rock Male Vocal: Glass House, Billy Joel
Record of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross
Song of the Year: "Sailing" Christopher Cross


There you have it. Stay tuned for more useless facts about 1980 to make you feel really old...

the year of Dallas....

WARNING: this could possiblly be the most educational blog I have ever written. Please proceed with caution.

so my birthday is on Saturday. I will be a quater of a century old (25 for all of you that are a little slow) that means I was born in 1980, "The year of Dallas" according to some random website. I have decided to blog lots of important things that happened in 1980 this week (ok today could be the only day I do it, but I really am going to try)
so today's facts from 1980:

1.Summer Olympics in Moscow, USSR, The US boycotts

2.Post-It Notes are introduced by 3-M (this may be part of the reason for my addiction to the darn sticky notes. I love these things)

3.The first all news service started by Turner Cable Network begins

4.John Lennon is assassinated by Mark David Chapman

5.Who Shot JR? is talked about heavily from the TV show Dallas. On November 21, the conclusion draws more viewers than any other show in TV history up to that po

6.Brook Shields whispers, "You know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing." the ad was banned.

7.Ronald Reagan is elected, defeating Jimmy Carter, and takes credit for freeing the Iranian hostages in his innaugural speech.

8.RU-486, the abortion pill is released in France.

9.The US Supreme Court allows patents on living organisms.

10. Mt. Saint Helens erupts, killing 60 people.

11. CNN is launched as the first all news network (oh joy. how did ppl ever live without CNN)

12.Richard Pryor gets badly burned trying to freebase cocaine.

13.Small pox is considered eradicated by the World Health Orginization.

14.Sadam Hussein launches war against Iran for close to a decade over oil rights.

15.Bill Gates licenses MS-DOS to IBM, makes next to nothing on the deal. The pair buys the rights to a simple operating system manufactured by Seattle Computer Products and use it as a template. The money is made later from licensing it to third party clone makers

16.Genetic Engineering of insulin began clinical trials.

17.US suspends grain sales to the Soviet Union in respond to their support of the war in Afghanistan.

18.President Carter attempted a helicopter rescue of the hostages in Iran, failing miserably.

19.US hockey team beat Russia for the gold in the Winter Olympics.

there are pictures from Friday night.... but if you want to see them you must email me and I will decided if you are worthy enough to see some, or all, of them....

I was thinking about posting something, but then I realized that it wasn't very important. so this is my update. I have nothing important to say. lots going on in my head, but it is stuck in there for now... maybe one day soon it will come out...

Let there be pictures

ok so instead of posting every single picture from the party I just put them in my webshots thing and I am posting a link. so here is the link Enjoy!
by the way they are the one's that say Roo's party...

IT....

*the it I am refering to in this post is very sepific, but I am not going to name it. some of you may know what it is but most of you don't and won't. if you would like to speculate you may, but don't do it in my comments please because I am not going to say what it is....

I've thought alot about it lately. Just thinking about doing it again makes me want to do it. I know that I have so little to gain from it, but there was a time when it was my life, and I have missed that time alot lately. things have just sucked pretty much. don't get me wrong, every second of every day hasn't sucked, but the over all feeling at the end of the day is one of major suckiness. so it has been on my mind alot lately. good thing I have at least a small amount of will power... I feel really alone right now. work has consumed him. and the boys aren't here. something about a tire falling off of corey's car... didn't seem much like anyone else wanted to hang out, so I just came home. now would be a good time to do it. I'm bored and feel alone and somewhat unloved. doing it would be nice, but it would cause lots of problems.... blah...

party

party at roo's house, Friday night. for all who need to know where she lives, come to my house and follow me or we can pack into the van.... bring pillows and blankets, as you will not be leaving Friday night. that is just how this works.....it is gonna rock!

I am still alive, but no longer working. but it will be okay. creepy things happened so I quit. this week I am trying to catch up with ppl and get my life back. it seems to be working ok. lots to think about, lots of things to figure out. but all will be good.

Am I invisible?

I feel like I am invisible. I feel like no one knows I am here. the boys have been here for a few days now, and it seems like I have stopped exsisting around here. And it isn't because I haven't tried to spend time with my husband. I really want to spend time with him, but when he is home the boys are hear and he doesn't seem to know I am alive anymore. He cooked supper tonight. I went for a drive right as he was starting it. I got home and it all smelled to good, but didn't look done yet so I went to lay down. when I came back out to the kitchen I asked if they had eaten already and he said yes. then I asked if there was anything left and he said no. so I guess it doesn't matter that I haven't eaten anything and I have to work tonight. none of that matters. all that matters is that he has fun. it doesn't matter that I want to feel loved, or that I need him. all that matters is that he is happy. it doesn't matter how much I hate this situation, or the fact that I never see my husband. oh well, I "only" have to do it until Sept, not for a whole year. unfortunatly I am already burnt out and hurting, and I don't know if I can take this for another couple of months even.....

today

it was fun. we went sight seeing Jackson, yeah it didn't take very long. we hung out for a while. now the boys and some of their friends are over. I don't mind, it was my idea, but the problem is that I don't get to spend any time with my husband. The boys have seen him more than I have. I love the boys really I do, but I would really like to see my husband, and spend time with him. I feel so unloved right now. I know he loves me but I just don't feel very loved right now. I feel like crap. I just feel so alone, even though there are so many ppl.

busy...

this weekend is going to be busy. the boys will be here this evening sometime (according to A who called right after lunch), Sat Mrs. L, K, H and Granny will be moving back. I have to work tonight, tomrrow, and Sat. but I will be off Sun and mon. Tim has to go into work really early Sun, but that means he should be off early too. lots going on... and I have to sleep at some point

today has sucked. I can't work and be a good mom. there is just no way. but then when I don't work ppl say I am lazy. I would like to see you do it. I would like to see you take care of 2 small kids, and run an entire house. I would also like to see you do what I am doing now. Take care of 2 kids, run a house, and work 8 hours a day. see how long you last. oh and you can't put the kids in daycare if you really want to understand my situation. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like crap all the time. at least I have tomorrow off. I hate all of this. I never see my husband, I am always cranky, and I cry all the time. this isn't me. this isn't who I am. this isn't who I want to be. only a year, what the fuck!! a year is a long time. it is almost forever in the lives of my kids. I have lost touch with all my friends. I never see anyone, and I feel so disconnected from everything. I hate this! I HATE this!!! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is one solution, it will suck but I will do it. I will do all the things I am expected to do as a wife and mother, and I will work, and soon, I will collapse from exhaustion. there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. but I will.

please tell me you will come visit me in the hospital...

Escaping Reality...

Dehydration is my current drug of choice....

I am depressed. I feel so... I don't even know. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good wife and mom, but I feel like I have failed. and I want to be who ppl think I am, but I can't. I guess I am just at one of those points right now. I am so mad at some of the stupid decisions I have made. I am mad that it took me 23 yrs to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, and I am mad that I can't do it. I hate that I am at this place again. I feel so helpless. and I hate that it is all my fault that I am here. I look back and I see that my whole life has pointed me to what I was made to do, but I was just to stupid to realize it. now I feel like it is to late. and now I feel like I have to settle for less than that because of the choices I have made.




escaping reality sounds real nice about right now.....

Is it worth it?

Over the pst 48 hours I've found myself asking is the $$ really worth it. I keep telling myself it is only a year, but every day I believe it less and less. Not that I think I will have to do it longer than a year, but it is so much more than JUST a year. It is on e ENTIRE year out of the short time they are little. It is the last year that my oldest will be home all the time. It is an entire year, wasted, lost. I will NEVER be able to get it back. It is 2080 hours that won;t be spent getting big bear hugs and sloppy little drool face kisses. All for what? some stupid money? Why the HELL is it so important! money doesn't even last. Time, that is what is important. and I feel like I am losing the precious little time I have....

today was crappy. I couldn't do anything right at all. I feel like crap. Hubby told me tonight that he really doesn't like his job as much as he has pretended. he doesn't want to stay there, but I think he will stay for a while longer. I think he wants to see what happens once he gets past the 90 day mark. from the sounds of it they want to promote him. he is good at what he is doing, he just doesn't like it. I don't know. I am too tired to think straight.

nothing

I've got nothing insightful to say. I very rarely have anything insightful to say anymore. The other night ruby and I were sitting around connecting some rather bizzare dots that have appeared over the last year. it is amazing what you can come up with when you aren't given all the information on a situation and are forced to come up with your own conclusion. we didn't have church last night, but ruby stopped by. It didn't seem like much of anyone cared that we didn't have church. it all seems so weird now. sorry for those of you that are left clueless by this post, it is really just a random attempt to find something worth talking about. it is almost July. not that that means much of anything special, cept bob and andrew will be in MS. and my birthday is close. well enough of the random posting, at least you all know I am still alive. thats something, right?

I need to sleep. but I feel very distracted right now. I don't really know why. I just can't focus on anything, not even sleep. how pathetic is that. I took some tynenol pm a little while ago (yes still in pain, but getting used to it now) so hopefully I will just pass out soon. this is going to be a long week. He is going to have to take the girls to mom's house in the morning and I will pick them up in the afternoon. I hope he desn't get too stressed out by the added hassle to his routine. well, off to be now, really!

maybe I should blog today. I don't have much to say. I feel like I am going to pass out. and I have to be awake at 5:30 in the morning. and on top of it all I have a little person sitting on the other side of the room screaming for no reason at all... blah

I'm tired... I think I should take a nap. but I am waiting for roo to get back so I can go with her to do some stuff. oh I was told to let everyone know that she (ROO) ate at a buffet last night. she isn't dead. and it was her idea to eat there. I just want to sleep right now. very tired... balh

today

I did something increadibly out of charater for me today, but I am glad I did it. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much you dislike someone you can put that behind you if it is really important, and it was. I also think Christians are increadibly to quick to judge ppl on their past mistakes. Part of being a Christian is forgiving ppl. I am sorry to those that I have judged because of things in their past. I think I will look at things differently now though.

Back here again...

I keep coming back to community. This can't be community. ppl don't even talk to each other. I don't think most of them even like each other. how on earth are we supposed to do this? we don't trust each other, we are prejudice of each other... we end up just sitting around looking at each other most of the time. and then there are the ppl that are really trying. but they just get seen as trying to be better than everyone else, not trying to be what this was ment to be. It all seems so forced. I just want what I have seen elsewhere, but I can't figure out,for the life of me, how to get that... maybe that is part of it. it isn't about doing it for me. maybe I am just being to selfish in all of this. Or maybe I am just not listening to what HE is saying... I think I know what I need to do... but knowing isn't the same as doing....

Hurt...

I hurt.... not only for me this time. it isn't just physical pain now. I hurt for nizza. I was just told, by roo , that her mom passed away around noon today. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this has to be on her. It was only a few months ago that they even found out she had cancer, now she is gone. I think they were expecting this, but how can you ever prepare yourself, emotionally, for the devistaion of it all. Please pray for nizza. I know she was VERY close to her mom, and the past few months have been HELL for her.

something fun...

want to waste a ton of time? go play this game. you will become addicted. don't say I didn't warn you....

I feel like crap. moatly I just hurt today. I have a little fever, but not much. and I am alone. well, the girls are here, but he is at work. it has been a long day already and it has no promise of coming to an end anytime soon. blah. it feels like it has been forever since I didn't feel like crap. and the fact that I went to the ER and still don't know what is wrong isn't helping. i need to do stuff, but I don't feel like it. I just want to sleep. blah.

a blood test, a urine test, a CT scan, and 3 hours later....

I still don't know what is wrong. I was in so much pain that I finally went to the ER. they did alot of stuff and made me hurt worse than I did before, but still no clue. I do know now that I don't have a UTI, a kidney infection, or kidney stones. but the ER dr said he really didn't know what it was. the blood work was all fine as was everything else he did. he can't figure out why i have a fever and feel sick all the time. and yes he did a pregnancy test, no I am not pregnant. he said the pain could be from a strained muscle, but i have had strained muscles before and this isn't one. puls that doesn't account for all the other symptoms. and I haven't done anything at all to strain a muscle. so I get to continue feeling like crap.... yay.... just shoot me the next time I think about going to the ER. it took way to long for them to tell me they don't know what is wrong..... and i am sure they will send me a nice big bill being that I don't have insurance.....

Have you ever had one of those days that just sucked from the begining? That was how today started. I am still sick, I got no sleep at all last night, and the little ppl were up at 8am. Things got better though. I was thinking about a friend, and then I talked to them. It made me smile. I love suprise phone calls from ppl far away. I miss my friends that don't live close. I still feel like crap. I was a little better yesterday, I didn't throw up at all, but that was short lived. now I hurt, and I am puking again. YAY. Blah....I should take my temp again, but the only thermometer close it the crappy one that doesn't work well; it is supposed to be a "lighening" fast and accurate, but it always says everyone's temp is 97.1. It lies and does me no good. I will go get the other one.... okay now the temp has been taken with the slightly slower, but far more accurate thermometer. it was only 99.3. I don't think it has been that low in a few days. maybe I am getting better. One can only hope....

ick

yep I am still sick. and at this exact moment I feel worse than I have the whole time I have been sick. *pause to take temp* well it is 99.5 yay. this morning I felt okay. almost not sick at all even. but by early afternoon I thought I was going to die. I even woke up early this morning (early being before noon, remember I have to get used to staying up all night) but now I feel like crap again. I am irritated, hot, and tired. oh for anyone coming to my house for church tomorrow night I am NOT cooking. sorry. I feel like crap and I don't want to spend all day cooking something that I won't even be able to eat and keep down for more then 20 mins. today I have eaten like a handful of Cheez-Its and managed not to throw up. and I drank water. yep. at least I might lose some weight while I am sick and can't eat anything. did you know that one serving of Cheez-its is about 27 crackers? that is alot. I can only eat about 10 at a time without feeling like they are gonna come up. well, I think I am going to just lay on the couch all day tomorrow til time for church. sorry again about not cooking but I just don't think I will have the energy.

This weekend didn't turn out exactly as anticipated, but it was fun all the same. I did end up going to see my dad today, but that is a long story. I think I have felt the crappiest today, by far. I just wanted to sleep all day. I feel like I am never going to have my dream life, but maybe that is why it is a dream. maybe I just dream to big. I don't know. I feel like I should stop trying. I mean it isn't like I have a bad life, it just isn't exactly how I want it, and I don't know if it can ever be. I have always dreamed big. some of those dreams will never happen now, but some of them still could happen. who knows what will happen from here, but I do know that it can't be much worse than it is right at this moment. i feel like crap. tomorrow will be better though...

I should say something

I was going to write something yesterday, but then I decided that what I had to say wasn't as important as I thought at the time. We are broke, but that is begining to feel like the normal thing. I think that once we get to the other side of this I will not use the term broke so losely. I mean we are really BROKE now. I don't know why ppl say they are broke when they have $$ to buy things they don't need, but I did it to. I am going to try not to do it anymore. now that I have seen really broke I understand.
I am also sick, but can't go to the dr. no insurance and all that crap. I told mom that if my fever happened to get up above 100 I would go to the ER. I hope that doesn't occur, but if it does I will know that it is time to go, even if we can't pay for it. I don't want this to turn into something bad, which I am afraid it might be getting there, because I have felt crappy for the better part of 2 weeks now. and this is one of those things that doesn't just get better on its own with time. Thankfully it is also not one of those things that can be given to other ppl because life still must go on, no matter how crappy I feel. today was by far the worst. I laid around all day wanting to die. but then mom brought me some medicine when she got off work and it has made me feel a bit better.
so tomorrow I think I will stop by roo's house for the party, but I will obly stay for a bit as I have to go to a family thing on sunday and must be up early in the am. I wouldn't go but mom gave me gas money and said that I need to be there. so I am going.
other than that life in general is kinda crappy. I feel like most everything I have done for the past few years has been wrong, and not alot of ppl are helping the situation. I keep thinking "if I had just..." then things wouldn't be this way now. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I feel like most of it is my fault.
ok now I am just rambleing so I think I will go to bed now, after taking some more medicine that is....

Life.... Blah....

Life has gotten to me. I don't want to do it anymore. I know that all the things going on are just temporary and that on the other side of it all things are gonna be wonderful, but right now it sucks. I think I am going to start writing. not just bloging, but really writing. I just don't know what or when I will find time to do it. I need to do something. maybe I will...

have you ever done a search using your name? I did so earlier and the results made me sad. There were tons of Lisa Alexander's that were sucsseful, important ppl. Doctors, lawyers, managers, writers, producers, ect. All ppl I will never be; ppl I once dreamed of being. I feel like I have failed myself. I feel like chasing my dreams has cost me everything, and trying to have a perfect world has made my world so imperfect. I have made decsions that have ment that I will never be the person I once dreamed of being. I don't want to regret the choices I have made, but at times like this I do. I feel like it is all my fault that things are this way. I made bad choices, I made decsions without thinking through the possible ramifications, and now this is what I have to show for it. I know what I want to do, but I also know that I will never get there. At one time it wasn't so far out of my reach, but now.... Now I have to live with the choices I have made. My life isn't all bad, but I can see that this next little while is going to be rough, rougher than almost anything I have gone through. I know that this too shall pass, but right now it seems only a distant hope.

I feel like a failure, and I hate that. more than anything I want to make everyone take notice and listen to what I have to say, but it seems that no one takes notice of someone that has spent the past four and a half years being a mom and nothing more. And no one listens to someone that doesn't have any fromal training on the subject at hand.

Experience... what is experience? I was filling out a job application once and I wondered if they would count all the hours I spent running myself into the ground, just to prove that love really did exisit to a 16 yr old girl, as experience. Or would the think that the fact that I over came unspeakable odds, to graduate at the top of my high school class, despite the fact that I had been kicked out of my father's house and was living on my own, as experience. then I realized that this wasn't the type of experience they were asking about, even though it was the type of experience that would be relevant to the job. they wanted to know where I had worked and what I had done there. I didn't get that job, or any others like it because I didn't have the experience they wanted, and I didn't have a degree. I finally gave up. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be the person they wanted me to be because I am a mom, and that experience isn't very benifical, apperently, in any line of work, because you don't recieve a degree or certification from it.

Ever feel like you are being punished for something you were given permission to do?



Just wondering...

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interviews at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interview with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

just stuff

I was thinking I should post something. I miss my Debra... she is far far away... but I might go see her in Nov. that would be nice. I also miss some other ppl that I probably won't get to go see...
Crap, I just realized that my grandad's wedding is next weekend. I hope I have something that I can wear. tomorrow I am going to Yazoo with roo (at least I think I am, I haven't been able to get in touch with her tonight though)
Tim's aunt has a tumor in her brain. it is benignt but it is really big. it is in her sinus cavity and her eye socket, and it is causing pressure on her brain. they are going to do surgery on Tuesday to try to clean it out some.
other than that nothing is going on. nope nothing at all. I guess I am going to get a job working nights (11p to 7a or something) we need $$ and I will only have to work for a year. by then we should have saved some and so we should be ok. so I will be doing something normal with my hair. I got some black dye so I could just do it all black this weekend and then start looking for a job on Monday.
Hubby has had 3 interview's at one place now. he should hear something by thursday, but it could just be for another interveiw. they told him that he would have to interveiw with all the department managers. he is excited about it though.
but not as excited as he is about the possibility of working at the insurance place. I just don't want to have to work more than a year, cuz next summer Stacey will be getting ready to go to school, which means lots of changes... and the longer I work the more behind I will get with my writing. I know that if I am working I won't want to write much. I really want to write now, and I do quite frequently. but when I am working that will get put on the shelf again. but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. blah

the day that refuses to end...

it has been a long day. I can't sleep, but I need to.... for details on the fun filled adventures of the afternoon check this out.... the best part was throwing the stuff... anyways from there we went on the mission for mason (who by the way I don't even know, but I do know that he is serving in Iraq currenetly) it was long and very unorganized. no one knew what was going on and plans were changed frequently (this is to be expected most of the time with this circle of friends however). all is well now though and I think everything is taken care of. and I NEED to get some sleep.... maybe I will have better luck now...

thinking....

I was just thinking about the parts of my past that I really miss... nothing too moonumental came from this thought process. but I realized that I am horrible at keeping in touch with ppl. a little bit ago someone asked me if I knew where my ex-step sister was... this is something that I really should know. Not that we were ever all that close, but you would think that I would have tried to stay in touch in some way.... but I didn't... I do know where a few ppl from my past are, but there are many more that I regret losing contact with. but then I wonder if finding these ppl would make a difference. I mean some of these ppl contributed to the really bad parts of my life. If I went out of my way to go back and find them would it make my life better? I don't know. for now I think things are best left where they are. Except for the case of my step sister. it is important that I figure out where she is, not for me, but for a friend. it is important to her, so it has become important to me. I need to call dad back and see if he has had a chance to look for an adress or number or something...

uh sorry....

Okay it has come to my attention that I could have hurt several ppl without knowing it, just by posting my most previous post. Sorry. really I am. It wasn't truely about any one person, or even group of ppl. I do have some REALLY amazing friends, and I am blessed to be a part of several groups that could be considered communities. I also want to state publicly that I do LOVE my church, there are just times when I wish there were more to it. so if anyone got offended and mad or hurt, I am sorry, it isn't about YOU!!! Really it is about me, it is about stuff that I am going through, and questions that I am asking. if it were about you, I promise you would know... as for right now, I feel crappy. I am nauseous, and my head hurts... but that is for a different day I suppose. just know that I am sorry... and I love you all...

longing....

I sit her broken hearted tonight. I realize that I don't have community, and I long so desperatly for it. the church I am at currently meets once a week for a couple of hours and we don't even talk the rest of the time... we aren't acessible to each other, and we only let the others see what we want them to see. I saw something that resembled community tonight. People intentionally getting to know each other, the real ppl not just the facade. I want that!!! I long for that so greatly. I am crushed by the realization that I have no clue where to start. I feel like I have had that before, but now I am just doing church, not being church. Church shouldn't be something I just do once a week for a couple of hours. I need something else, something more. I desire community, and I thought this new situation would help, bur so far it hasn't. maybe I have not given it enough time. maybe I am not doing my part. maybe.... I don't know.. I am torn over what to so... I am sad, and hurtting...

blah....

I got some shoking news today (no I am not pregnant, why do ppl always assume that when I say I have news???) the news itself isn't important, the important part is that it leaves all of life confused again... YAY! thankfully we are just coming out of our last confused life state, so maybe we will be able to keep sight of the really important things this time... I know that whatever happens will be for the best, but I hate feeling like this. I feel like I am being forced to hold my breath for long periods of time. like I am going to pass out soon. Like the whole world is going to cave in around me. I just have to keep my focus. really I know things will be okay, I just don't know how....

in other news i think we will be having a ND party tomorrow night (firday) Roo let me know if this is still on.

Being that we are not moving, lots of things still need to be done around the house. things need to be taken to Goodwill or some such place. clothes need to be gone through. all that good stuff. Summer is rapidly approaching as well, so there will be lots of time spent outside.
My grandfather is getting remarried on the 28th. that should be a fun event, being that everyone within like 30 miles knows him or her. I am sure it will be fun though. I am glad he is happy....

still amazed!

Ok so as most anyone who has stumbled across this blog in the past month knows, we were supposed to be moving to Lexington MS, a poor middle of no where town, in the poorest county in the poorest state in the US. I was not happy about this but it looked like there was no way around it so I asumed that God had a plan. Boy did God have a plan, one bigger than I could have imagined. Monday we found a house up there and I was supposed to go up Thursday to look at it. It was a good deal, and we would be moving in at the end of the month as long as it wasn't uninhabitable. Tuesday I get a call from hubby saying he is having a bad day, boss man was at the office, ect. ect. Tuesday night I go to chill with my girl at her house. she asks when hubby will be home. I say WHAT? and she says she heard he would be back in Pearl effective Wednesday morning!!!! What the crap!!! so I call hubby and all is true. another office gained status in the Jackson area, needed a AM the AM from preal wanted to leave but stay in the Jackson area. so pearl was in need of an AM. hubby wanted to not have to move to Lexington. so all worked. God had a plan, part of wich was to scare the crap out of me and make me think I was going to have to live in the middle of nowhere. I am sure there is a reason for it all. I am still amazed by how God works.

Where will we go from here??? I have no clue, but I know it won't be to Lexington. What have I learned from all this??? God is God and he is going to take care of me, even if I don't see a way, He has made one!

So for now I am here, and I am happy, and life is good. I know that hubby will come home every night, and that I will have time for me, and that my kids will not think daddy lives at work.

Looney Tunes....

So yesterday I was hanging out on the WWW and I came a cross this site... my 4 yr old happened to be looking on to see what I was doing and promptly asked me why bugs bunny looked so mean, or something like that. Now I like the Looney tunes just the way they are. why do ppl have to go changing things just because they are old? blah....


and here is the WB studio 

Dang it's hot...

It is 83 freaking degrees!!!!!!!!!! now normally this would not bother me in the slightest because I could sit on my porch in the shade of the large umbrella, and have something cold to drink while the little ppl ran around the yard.... but today is different... I decided that I would cut the grass so that while my hubby is home for a day and a half this weekend he won't have to do it... so I have been out in this blaxing heat WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!! He better realize how much I love him....

In all this I have found a GREAT way to cool down quickly,but not too fast.... BABY WIPES.... now I really already knew how cool baby wipes were from being pregnant in the summer... but if you place a baby wipe directly on your skin and leave it there til the wipe becomes warm, then remove it your skin is so much cooler.... i still need to weed eat the ditch and such but I thought I would take a short break and tell you all of these interesting things...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today my oldest little person turns 4!!! below are some pics of her, most of them from our vacation... She is growing up so fast

Stacey with Dora 

Eating ice cream at Disneyland 

my baby sleeping 

stacey on the couch 

stacey dancing some more 

Stacey about to pass out at the wiggle's concert 

Stacey at Universal studio's 

Stacey at the beach 

my baby working hard 

HI

I am home! (okay for those of you that have been keeping up I have been home since Thursday, but I have been a slacker and haven't posted a darn thing) home is just as I left it, still here and all. I have been/will be quiet busy for the next little bit however. We need to move by the first of June (giving us just over a month) so if anyone knows of anything for rent closer to Lexington, MS than we are now, PLEASE let me know. we have a couple of leads on some places, but don't know what will happen.

In other news, my grandfather is getting remairried! I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy and not alone.
And also, my oldest little person will be 4 tomorrow. that means the potential of Pre-Kindigarten in the fall (depending on where we live) and only one more year til school for sure. WOW how time flies. Hubby is staying in a hotel closer to work during the week and only coming home on the weekends... that sucks. and I need to start packing, so that when we find a place we can move. I have just been generally unmotivated though. Maybe we can have a packing party one night in a few weeks. that would be fun, right???

Just whining...

I am ready to go home. Things have been fun here, but I miss home. I miss my friends, and my routine. I miss all the boring things I hated 2 weeks ago. Only one more day here though, and it will be spent mostly packing, and I think we are going to go down to the beach too! I have some cool stuff for some cool ppl that I am bringing back, and some of the cool things I am bringing home will need explination. I will talk about that later though. I just want Thursday to get here so I can get home. I miss hubby, and my friends. I miss my house. Unfortunatly this weekend isn't going to be fun; we have family reunion crap to do, but I think we are only going to go one day (Sat probably) instead of all weekend. It would just be too much. Well, hopefully life will be back to normal next week and I will get caught up with everyone and everything, and then I will need to start looking for somewhere to live soon. (that story will also come later) goodnight

Pics... finally

okay I know there are a couple of you who are just dying for pics... I got some for ya here... there... be happy now. I have more, but these will have to do ya for a bit as I am busy right now... must go soon to have more fun

ugh

really I am going to get pics up soon... we are still having problems with the network, or at least my comp on the network....and my pics are on my comp so it might be a little longer til the pics are up, but there are some good ones:) today was long, and there are lots of pics.... hopefully they will be up soon...

here

Well I am here, and having a great time. we were having some problems with getting the computers oline together, but we think we have it worked out now.... there should be pics up tomorrow sometime.... Had a great time at Disneyland today... I am really sun burned though, and exhausted.... balh

my bags are packed....

and the final count is..... 4 checked bags and 3 carry-ons plus the umbrella stroller and a car seat that will be carried onto the plane with us..... and the 2 kids.... man tomorrow is going to be a fun day.... but the work is done now... all I have left to do is wash up the dishes and the kids, and sleep some, and I still have 11 and a half hours.... YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

only 17 hours til I leave

I leave for CA in 17 hours!!!! I have started packing!!! still have alot to do though.... the little ppl are greatly hindering my packing abilities... so I am going to be keeping you all updated on the trip here in my lovely blog. there will be pics (or at links to pics) and stories of all the fun. Friday we will just be resting from the flight (we have to get up at 4am) but Saturday we will be off to disney so there will be fun pics!!! and we will be seeing the Wiggles Live on sunday, so there will be pics of Austrialian guys acting goofy! it will be so fun, and I will do my best to make you all feel like you are there with us. I am sure you will all be awaiting word on our daily adventure.... I must finish packiing NOW

This week....

so I thought I would let you all know what I have to get done this week, before leaving at 6am on friday..... so here is the list....

- clean the house (this is a never ending battle that will never br done)
-laundry (but I got caught up this weekend so just have to stay caught up)
- get snack stuff for the flight
- get batteries
- pick up glasses
- get new contacts
- finish my hair
- pack (for trip)
- start packing (for move)
- clean out the fridge


and all this while taking care of the little ppl, and normal daily stuff.... yeah it is going to be a long few days.....

well after almost a week of insanity here at bogger things seem to be back to normal. was anyone else haveing problems with blogger? like it posting things that you just saved as a draft, or it not posting things that you published? Well, 5 days til we leave for CA. things will be busy, and on top of that I will be trying to pack some for the move. it seems like there is so much to do... but I am sure it will all get done, I just don't know how at this point. the little ppl are getting excited about seeing Grnma, granpa, and uncle A. and riding on an air plane. I am looking forward to CA, but not the trip out there. it will be a long day in airports and on planes, but I can do, really I can. I just hope the girls don't freak out on the plane, or while we are in the Dallas airport for 3 freakin hours....

next week...

Next week is going to be busy with preparation for CA!!! one week from today I will be leaving for CA and I will be there for 13 days. it will be a time to relax, have fun, and see some really cool ppl!!! but I still have so much to do before then. I need to do laundry so bad it isn't even funny and all that other stuff that goes along with vacationing. And on top of all this I feel that the impending move is drawing near. He was told yesterday that new offices would be opening in April. 4 of them, all in LA. one will be his, no doubt. so not only do I need to get all things ready to go to CA I also need to try to start getting things in order here to be ready to move not long after getting back home. at least I will be able to see better.... I am expecting to arrive home on April 21 to an empty house, my husband being gone to his new office somewhere in LA. 3 of the offices will be in South LA and one will be near Shreveport.... Who knows which one he will get. I am sad, excited, and overwhelmed....

Thoughts on Million Dollar Baby...

yes this is really going to be about Million Dollar Baby, not just the blurb that was in the last post.... this movie was very emotional, because it was so real, and i felt like I was there I was her....
some observations....
-He wasn't just her trainer, he was her savior, even to the point of freeing her into death.....

-She was me, she was you, she was us.... the normal everyday ppl with a dream. she fought hard, she gave her all, and in the end she got unfairly blindsided, and her dream was over just as quickly as it started... If we listen, and give our all, we too will live the lives we were intended to live, but it could always end with one harsh blow to the head when we aren't looking, we aren't promised anything more

-the priest was busy, to preoccupied with being holy and religious to see ppl. He believed what he wanted to believe. more times than not the church is to busy being holy to notice the ppl begging for answers right outside our doors.....

-her boxing name given to her by the trainer was beautiful, she truly was his darling. they became family to each other. she was his joy, his life, his accomplishment. We are the Darlings of Christ when we become all he knows we can be.

- his daughter was a mystery. she refused contact with him. maybe I missed it, but I don't remember hearing why this was. He tried to reach out to her, writing every day, but never with any response. Is this how God feels when he is trying to get our attention, but we are just too busy to hear or care what He is doing?

Million Dollar Baby

o went to see Million Dollar Baby yesterday and it was GREAT. I did cry but I bet you did too if you have seen the movie. I am still trying to sort out my thoughts on it. It was very painful to watch parts of it; I felt so helpless....

Today was Easter, and I decided to be all sacrilegious and not go to church. Really I overslept and so I didn't go, but that is okay as I wasn't going to my church, and I ended up have a great family day here at the house. We did read the crucifixion and resurrection story from the Bible, and it wasn't like we treated it just like any other day, we just didn't go to church.... I think this is the first year in my whole life I haven't gone to church and just been busy doing all things religious on Easter. It was really nice, and I had time to think about Easter, and not just "play" Easter....I think that so much of the time we get caught up in doing the "church" thing or at least trying to be religious, that we forget WHY we do things. This year was a nice break from religion....